Feel like it's so hard to find anyone even at 33

[CoralWasp]

Well I'm 33 in about 2 weeks. I was supposed to attend a single's night last night that I'd paid £20 for but I ended up with a dodgy stomach, just my luck.

I've only been single for 5 months, but I'm feeling the age-related pressures, if I want to have a child. I'm not even 100% sure I want a child, or even immediately, but I know I don't have forever.
If I were under 30 I wouldn't care about finding someone.

My last relationship ended after 4 years because he didn't want commitment. Still friends and I'm still sad but definitely did the right thing.
A couple of months back I liked someone, it seemed he did too but then went funny literally from one day to the next, I do think it's more him than me but it did knock my confidence.

I joined a dating app and I've recently been let down by 2 flaky men who clearly just wanted a penpal.
I do parkrun but men there either turn up with their girlfriend or finish the run in about 6 minutes so by the time I've finished they're long gone.

I do art, went to a drawing class but the average age group was twice my age even though they were lovely.
The ones I like at work are either taken or look in their 20s, so I'd just seem like a predator.
The other women in my team are largely under 25 and essentially just have to exist and that's all it takes.

Of course this sound like a boast but I get told I'm beautiful, pretty, nice figure and so on and I get my fair share of pervy men so I can't be that awful surely.
I don't think my personality is that terrible either. Everyone else seems to have someone around me and nobody's got the 'perfect' personality, not that there is such a thing.

People say I'm funny, I think I'm smart, I speak other languages, I have a lot of hobbies, I suppose I am quite geeky. People say I'm 'sweet' which I'm not sure how I feel about.
I'm not really into drinking, pubbing and partying tbh. I think I'm good at one-to-one or small groups and there are certain people I can talk to for hours.

I live where the uni halls are and keep seeing 20-something girls with gorgeous boyfriends! There's a lovely man at work but I'm too scared to ask our mutual friend if he's single without looking creepy.
Anyway, rant over. Feel unattractive and unwanted. Any advice pls?

There's nothing more off putting than the scent of desperation.

You probably want the same sort of guy many other women want and maybe you need to revise your wishlist ie consider shorter men, relocate, different ethnicities, earns less money. Alternatively, just keep looking and trying.

The best 'catches' in men who want a family and kids have been snapped up from uni by clever girlfriends who saw his ambitious potential so I disagree on not needing to find a husband material in your 20s if your ultimate aim is a marriage and family. Yeah, this is the sad reality of competition, there are attractive younger women who aren't on a tight schedule to commit.

Realistically, great as you are, there are many other equally great or greater women than you out there. what makes you stand out and what are you willing to compromise on that the other women aren't? Women gassing each other up with delusions regarding their attractiveness and realistic chances of getting the man they want hinder not help.

Pervs hitting on you out and about and getting checked out is meaningless when it comes to actual marriage because men will have sex with anything, commitment is entirely different.

I understand that, but I'm not desperate at all. If I were, I'd just be going for anyone. It's not desperate to be interested in meeting someone, it's a normal human feeling..

Oh trust me, I'm hardly going for Brad Pitt types!
I'm 5'7 and most guys I've dated or been interested in have been about 5'10 at most, I'm certainly not going for strapping model-types, not high earners! I earn more than them most of the time anyway, money is not something I'm looking for.

I do think I've got plenty going for me. I find it hard to believe that every single attractive, decent bloke is snapped up though it does feel that way sometimes, sadly!
The thing is, most relationships in your 20s do not last. I can hardly think of anyone who met their partner at uni and they're still together now. Most men don't want to consider marriage until well after 30.
I don't mind dating a bit younger, down to around 28
I just don't know what the solution is!

That comment about you being desperate was actual nonsense, if she were desperate she would have stuck with Mr non-commitment

You sound like really lovely OP, no answers for you unfortunately. My mum didn't meet Mr Right until she was 38 (I was the product of a Mr no commitment type at 28) so it's not like it's not going to happen, it more than likely will. I guess you just need to roll with it

5ft 7 barefoot, if you wear heals that's intimidating. Then you earn more, that's emasculating a lot of men. It's sad and insecure of men to be intimidated by height and wages but this is a real thing with men.
I'd wear flats and playdown my job and earnings.

I think I feel old compared to a lot of my female colleagues, and it's stupid to say that I know!
I don't think they're doing or saying anything remarkable either, but they've all got men they're dating. I'm not putting them down, they've done nothing wrong I'm just saying it seems easier and I'm wondering if it's attributed to age
.

That's very kind of you thank you, maybe I just need to relax, 38 isn't too late for sure and maybe I need to be more positive.

Sadly I do wonder if it's that. Even with shoes/boots on I'm the same height as a few men I've liked or they're only about an inch taller . I don't even wear heels, I don't like them 🤣 the reason I earn more than the last man I liked is because I do overtime and he never wanted to, otherwise we'd have earned the same.
But I don't think I've ever dated a guy or been into one who earns a very good salary.

What about joining a running club if you do parkrun?

That's a good idea, thanks :)

I'd wear flats and playdown my job and earnings

Don't do that, be yourself and if blokes don't like it tough shit.

I totally disagree with this advice. You don't need to pretend to be something you're not, you might meet someone short term this way but they won't be a keeper (I mean, wearing flats isn't a big deal, most people don't wear heels often now anyway and certainly not on a casual first date). I think you just need to persevere with the apps, 5 months isn't long, and being let down by 2 men online is par for the course. Thick skin and keep going. You say you'd consider younger men but are you looking older too?

Thank you, I agree and as I say I literally never wear heels anyway 🤣
Maybe I'm not giving the apps a chance.. I just feel unattractive and I'm like, what are men looking for? What's so off-putting about me? I'm really not that bad.

You seem fabulous.

I met my DP on an app and was embarrassed about telling people. But then when the girls from my antenatal class were talking about how their met their husbands it turns out 5/8 had met online!! I was really shocked. They’re all married and now all have babies around 8 months. Most late 30s.

You're putting too much pressure on yourself.

You've only been single for 5mos and I'm sure you didn't start dating on day one!

Blimey. I'm 5'9" and wear what I like and so should you. Any man who is intimidated by a woman having a job amd earning money is someone you don't want to be with anyway, so problem solved.

Please stop panicking. I agree about the running club - any sports club will have more opportunity to get to know people than parkrun. But missing one speed dating event isn't fatal either. Just keep being open to meeting someone.

At 33 I was gloomily preparing to have my 75 year old dad to live with me as I thought I'd never have another relationship, but my dad met someone and moved in with her. So did I, and I had a child with him a year later. Your life and choices are still wide open.

You can't second guess it like that. Some of them are just looking for sex, some are looking for validation, some don't know what they're looking for, some aren't over their ex, etc etc. And then there are some that are looking for the same as you, but it does take a bit of time and effort to find them. I have sympathy, I have a couple of single friends a similar age and it is grim out there. I met DH on Tinder a few years ago so it can work (oh and I earned more, absolute non-issue).

It's probably worth sticking with online as well as sports, hobbies and events. It's not like it's two completely different groups of people - it's the same blokes who are looking to date.

Thank you everyone this has helped me to feel better. It does seem that perseverance is the key.
I'd like to find out about the guy at work, but not sure how to in a way that doesn't come across as desperate!

@CoralWasp I'm the same age as you (33 in 2 weeks) and I know what you mean about feeling old. Just remind yourself it's better to be single than with someone rubbish. Lots of women are with men that aren't great, that's the truth.

My teacher didn't meet her now husband until she was in her late 30s and then she had her DS early 40s. I think my mum could have had more children tbh but by that point she didn't really want to.

You have time.

Also, I know this sounds a bit dramatic, but it's worth looking into egg freezing it really isn't as expensive as you'd think and it's better to do it younger.

Sorry bit random talking about my teacher, but the reason I mention her is her DS is the same age as my DD

You've only been single five months! I really think you ought to relax about this a bit.

May I ask where you live and what your circle is like? Apart from a small minority who paired off in uni, everyone (literally EVERYONE) I know met their partner/spouse via an app, whilst in their 30’s. We all spent our 20’s building up careers and drinking too much, met our ‘person’ in our 30’s, got married and moved to the suburbs to have babies.

So, if you were my friend, you’d be pretty much on schedule. This might only be applicable to my specific London bubble, but I don’t think it’s that unusual.

You are right, 5 months is nothing. I'm only feeling like this because of being 33, if I were younger I'd care way less I think. It's sad really.

Agreed, I don't know that many who are still with their partners from uni! Literally 2 or 3.
I know quite a few who are just not happy or now divorced.
I'm in Liverpool :)

i HONESTLY could have written your post. It took over 2 years to meet my DH we now have the house, 2 children and a dog. Prekids i was on the fence about them and agreed to 1 for my dh. now i would like a third but am getting a bit old for it 😅

Serious Advice:
just get online and treat it like a part time job by that i mean treat:
your profile, your screening process, the venues, your red flags, when to call time on men, your outfits
optimise and review them all on an ongoing basis. Treat is as if it were your work.

I "logged" 12-20 hours per week most weeks.
Search & initial chat on sunday late afternoon to evening, 2-3 dates tue-thu, rinse repeat.
After 3 dates i either cut them lose or we were exclusive.
I didnt mess around and was really clear i wanted a LT relationship/ life partner