Feel like it's so hard to find anyone even at 33

[CoralWasp]

Well I'm 33 in about 2 weeks. I was supposed to attend a single's night last night that I'd paid £20 for but I ended up with a dodgy stomach, just my luck.

I've only been single for 5 months, but I'm feeling the age-related pressures, if I want to have a child. I'm not even 100% sure I want a child, or even immediately, but I know I don't have forever.
If I were under 30 I wouldn't care about finding someone.

My last relationship ended after 4 years because he didn't want commitment. Still friends and I'm still sad but definitely did the right thing.
A couple of months back I liked someone, it seemed he did too but then went funny literally from one day to the next, I do think it's more him than me but it did knock my confidence.

I joined a dating app and I've recently been let down by 2 flaky men who clearly just wanted a penpal.
I do parkrun but men there either turn up with their girlfriend or finish the run in about 6 minutes so by the time I've finished they're long gone.

I do art, went to a drawing class but the average age group was twice my age even though they were lovely.
The ones I like at work are either taken or look in their 20s, so I'd just seem like a predator.
The other women in my team are largely under 25 and essentially just have to exist and that's all it takes.

Of course this sound like a boast but I get told I'm beautiful, pretty, nice figure and so on and I get my fair share of pervy men so I can't be that awful surely.
I don't think my personality is that terrible either. Everyone else seems to have someone around me and nobody's got the 'perfect' personality, not that there is such a thing.

People say I'm funny, I think I'm smart, I speak other languages, I have a lot of hobbies, I suppose I am quite geeky. People say I'm 'sweet' which I'm not sure how I feel about.
I'm not really into drinking, pubbing and partying tbh. I think I'm good at one-to-one or small groups and there are certain people I can talk to for hours.

I live where the uni halls are and keep seeing 20-something girls with gorgeous boyfriends! There's a lovely man at work but I'm too scared to ask our mutual friend if he's single without looking creepy.
Anyway, rant over. Feel unattractive and unwanted. Any advice pls?

When you meet the right person it will most likley be when you least expect it and are not looking.

Not true in my experience. People say this often but I don't think it's helpful. Like anything else in life (work promotion, house purchase, weight loss etc) you need to be proactive, you can't just sit in your living room waiting on the perfect man chapping the door.

Well in my experience no one has ever sat in their living room waiting on the perfect man chapping the door. Unless of corse they are you, quite odd behaviour and even more odd your making up some wierd senario I never mentioned.

Must be something in the air tonight 😂

It is indeed difficult these days when all is online.

So you feel old compared to the girls in their 20's. I'm in my 40's and girl, you are not old at all!

No advice really but I do sympathise, it is hard to meet nice available men.

Totally disagree with this, and agree with OP.

I married my partner from uni when I was 25 after 6 years together.... and filed for divorce 12 months later. No cheating or anything but who you are / what you want 10 years after uni can be wildly different. I don't know of any couples that are still together post uni....

I met someone and remarried at 35 (he was 36) and we have a little rainbow baby.

OP, there is nothing wrong with you, and it's not a rare situation. No advice unfortunately

Not my experience
Most rich short men are with taller women.
The issue with high earning women is that both then are career focused so there is not time for the relationship. High earning women don't trust low earning men either .

Its a numbers game. You only need one. Do stuff you like, be you and just attract the men you like.

Don't worry about other peoples relationships. The amount to hit the decks when people got to their late 40's was bonkers.

Get yourself back online lass. As pp have said, it’s a numbers game. In a weeks time there could be 6 new potential matches for you that currently aren’t even registered and you don’t know exist. They could be the one.

Realistically, great as you are, there are many other equally great or greater women than you out there. what makes you stand out and what are you willing to compromise on that the other women aren't? Women gassing each other up with delusions regarding their attractiveness and realistic chances of getting the man they want hinder not help.

This is not how it works!!

Attraction is more arbitrary then you think. No one wants a smelly, alcoholic bloke do they...until you look at dodgy rock stars who are never short of a girlfriend.

Real relationships are chemistry. You like who who like.

I used to feel like you do but I'd actually stopped looking to meet anyone. And then I went out for a casual drink with a guy I'd known through work for a few years but never thought of him romantically. I'd just turned 33, and we started dating from that first time out together away from work. That was 27 years ago and two children later (that I didn't know I wanted).

It will happen, probably when you least expect it.

genuinely think attractive people at any age won’t struggle with having suitors or finding people who want to commit. there’s lots of stunning women on instagram who are your age and manage to get in new relationships - social media as opposed to dating apps is the easiest way to meet people. I don’t think your height or job is an issue. It’s a cost of living crisis - so people who can afford to date and everything else are not as common. I’m short and there’s definitely men out there who think I’m too short - so they’d be looking for someone your height!

I think with respect, it could be worth spending some time focusing on yourself and whether you are ready. For example I am younger than you and during my last relationship put on a bit of weight and wasn’t toned. I wasn’t focusing my energy on anything else other than work - when I started to pencil in things like regular exercise the rest fell into place as I was also improving my view of myself and mental health. If you’re genuinely on top of your game as you say, I can’t see what the issue is.

@CoralWasp

There's still sooo much time to find the right guy and settle down! I've got so many gorgeous, successful friends who met their partners in their mid to late thirties and had babies later in life.

It's sometimes a matter of luck re. when it happens, but it sounds like you're doing all the right things to socialise and meet people. Second the running club suggestion, perhaps a tennis club too?

But most of all, online dating. Aim for two dates per week, quick drink post work, no dinners for first date. No back and forth chatting for weeks, 2 or 3 messages to see if they can spell/have some chat, and then ask them for a date. Treat it like a hobby, never get attached until you actually meet them and see how you go!! That's how I met mine ;).

Also, some of these messages about working on yourself, lowering standards, or that attractive women can find a man easily are horrendous.

Personally, looking at my friends, the ones who have the most going for them took by far the longest to find the right person!! When you have a good career, personality and hobbies, you naturally have higher standards and why would you want to settle for someone you're not fully attracted to?

Thank you for all the feedback :)
However, some people, please stop telling me to lower my standards and then I might find someone. Trust me when I say that I've never dated a very 'high standard ' guy, ever.
5'10 is not gigantically tall for a man.
Men are not kinder or better partners in any way because they're less physically attractive or earn more.
Honestly, in my experience they're actually far more critical if anything.
I've not gone for rich, gorgeous and so on. I do not need to lower my standards!! They are not even that high to begin with and maybe there's the issue.

32 is a baby! I'm excited for you.

I actually wonder if you need to process the break up, rather than try and find a replacement ASAP.

Five months isn't a long time. If you're immediately thinking 'how can I meet another boyfriend" and on dating apps, it probably isn't emotionally great for you.

Why not think about just building up your social network and meeting new people for 1-2 years?

Do some levelling up and glowing up in terms of other aspects of your life.

I can't comment on the Liverpool social scene as I don't really know it (loved my visit there though, nice canals and the Tate - you're very lucky!).

Maybe you could investigate groups in neighbouring cities? You're about 1 or 1.5 hours train from Manchester or Leeds, so that's another couple of big cities for you to expand your networks into.

I've found with Meetups, social groups, there's often a lot of trial and error (so I've been to ones which are damp squibs and ones which have ok contacts in them).

If you're interested in art and like going out a bit and can allocate a reasonable going out budget, there's really plenty to see and do.

I was in Leeds for only 2-3 days a few years ago, and randomly joined a "dining out" group as I wanted to eat out.

Group was crammed with interesting chatty intelligent people with good jobs in my age range. I think the local doctors and nurses liked the group!

so even if you didn't hit it off with one of them, once you were "in" you might get invited to their friends events...and then that expands things more...

Of course, you can also end up sitting making awkward conversations with two old men.

But it is a numbers game.

You just have to keep trying but with low expectations. I was newly divorced at 33. Many married ‘friends’ dropped me, seemingly thinking that getting divorced was somehow catching. I remember a lot of weddings at that age too… with many now divorced a decade later. I met my DH at 38 and I had our one and only at 40. It does feel like a ticking clock but you can meet someone. 5 months is not long to be single. I cringe when I think of how many dates I went on but the more you go on, the more you will be able to spot good guys quicker. Don’t get discouraged, it really is a numbers game.

No don’t lower your standards! You just need to meet more men. That’s it. More chances to connect.

Absolute nonsense. I'm over 6ft barefoot and never had any issues. I also had a good job and good pay. If men do feel emasculated by any of that, they're not worth it anyway!

Hi OP I can relate to how you feel as I felt this way too and I'm a similar age. I think you need to persevere with online dating. You need thick skin, to weed out the losers and put effort into the conversations with the seemingly good ones. I did this and got lucky enough to meet my partner. Be positive but be honest about what you want. He is a normal guy, no crazy ex, no children, a good job and a stable home. These were all on my list. He treats me so well, the last year has been incredible. There are good men out there.

Join a gym? Like a nice one, not PureGym. I’m at a gym and there’s loads of guys of all different age ranges and I know lots of people who have got together from getting to know each other at the gym.

You seem to be asking how to approach the man at work. I would say use it as an opportunity to directly ask. What is the worst that could happen? He says no and you smile and move on.

Hi Op, I met my current partner on Bumble of all places! We've now been together almost 2.5 years and I was 33. Don't give up hope.

Agree. I'm 5' 11" and not one man I spoke to while using OLD saw it as a negative!

I think dating apps and being ruthless are the way to go, sadly.

I'm 32, recently divorced and with a 3YO whose father isn't very hands on. I dated one guy for a month or so, didn't work out and took it hard. Went back on the apps about six weeks later and was quite strict with my parameters. I ideally wanted someone 35-40 and if they had a child so they got single parent life, great. I was also looking for someone self aware, emotionally intelligent, financially independent and who had a professional career. Pretty quickly met the guy I'm now with, we've been together just over three months. He's actually 41, no DC, but has a professional career and I think that's made a big difference for me in terms of people I was matching with. My ex cheated on me, earned less than me and I think felt pretty intimidated over the years as I continued to do well and he didn't progress as such (which was his choice, and I supported).

Even after the guy I dated in Nov, I couldn't imagine finding someone and being this happy! You don't know what's around the corner. The apps filled me with dread but I do think they're a decent place to start. We live over 20 miles away, him in an area I've never been to and probably wouldn't and the same vice versa. Based on industries never would have crossed paths otherwise. All thanks to Hinge!

Fuck me this thread is depressing.

Telling the op that she's desperate because she wants a partner. Telling her she should lower her standards before she's even stated what her criteria is. Jesus!!

Op. I'm sure you are lovely and don't need to do anything differently. The sad reality is that the majority of men are absolute dross! It's definitely not you, it's them!

I'm 45 now and after a failed marriage pretty much resigned to being alone. The dating pool is more of a cess pit these days!

I will have been married for 25 years soon and met my DH at work. There is nothing wrong with finding out if that man at work is single. It would only be wrong if he was not single and you pursued him.

I met my DH online when I was 37 so I think you are definitely not too old at 33. You just have to have a strategy if you do online dating. Take it as a part time job. You need to know what kind of man you want. Just move on if you don't feel it or there's a red flag. Don't try to understand this and that. Chat with someone for a short time, have a phone call to see how it flows before you agree on face to face. Move on to next one until you meet someone you want to explore more. When you meet that someone don't let your feelings cloud your observation skills but keep observing them to truly see them for who they are and if they have those traits and qualities you are looking for and how are they treating you.