Feel like it's so hard to find anyone even at 33

[CoralWasp]

Well I'm 33 in about 2 weeks. I was supposed to attend a single's night last night that I'd paid £20 for but I ended up with a dodgy stomach, just my luck.

I've only been single for 5 months, but I'm feeling the age-related pressures, if I want to have a child. I'm not even 100% sure I want a child, or even immediately, but I know I don't have forever.
If I were under 30 I wouldn't care about finding someone.

My last relationship ended after 4 years because he didn't want commitment. Still friends and I'm still sad but definitely did the right thing.
A couple of months back I liked someone, it seemed he did too but then went funny literally from one day to the next, I do think it's more him than me but it did knock my confidence.

I joined a dating app and I've recently been let down by 2 flaky men who clearly just wanted a penpal.
I do parkrun but men there either turn up with their girlfriend or finish the run in about 6 minutes so by the time I've finished they're long gone.

I do art, went to a drawing class but the average age group was twice my age even though they were lovely.
The ones I like at work are either taken or look in their 20s, so I'd just seem like a predator.
The other women in my team are largely under 25 and essentially just have to exist and that's all it takes.

Of course this sound like a boast but I get told I'm beautiful, pretty, nice figure and so on and I get my fair share of pervy men so I can't be that awful surely.
I don't think my personality is that terrible either. Everyone else seems to have someone around me and nobody's got the 'perfect' personality, not that there is such a thing.

People say I'm funny, I think I'm smart, I speak other languages, I have a lot of hobbies, I suppose I am quite geeky. People say I'm 'sweet' which I'm not sure how I feel about.
I'm not really into drinking, pubbing and partying tbh. I think I'm good at one-to-one or small groups and there are certain people I can talk to for hours.

I live where the uni halls are and keep seeing 20-something girls with gorgeous boyfriends! There's a lovely man at work but I'm too scared to ask our mutual friend if he's single without looking creepy.
Anyway, rant over. Feel unattractive and unwanted. Any advice pls?

It’s not dire advice at all.

At 33, OP is at a great age for egg freezing. Any later and it won’t be worth it.

Don’t overplay how invasive it is. I’ve been through it - 12 days of injections and a 20 minute procedure. A doddle compared to pregnancy and labour.

There's a lovely man at work but I'm too scared to ask our mutual friend if he's single without looking creepy.

Ask - then you'll know and you friend will know you are on look out so may know people to introduce you to or ask you to events where you can meet wider range of men.

I'm late 40s and the ones who met on OLD in my circle are small - most of us it was uni (sometimes later in life ) post graduate course/programs or work or mutual friends.

At 32/33 you do have time - so just keep trying to meet more men to increase you chances and do things you enjoy.

You've only been single 5 months! I was single for 3 years between the ages of 24 and 27. Id say the latter 18 months of that time I was actively looking for someone - I get lots of matches and interest but found that they were all unsuitable for one reason or another... so even as a 25, 26 year old it's relatively difficult. You just have to keep soldiering on.

I would stop putting pressure on yourself if I were you. Keep doing the online dating, join a running club, but don't get bogged down by it! 5 months is nothing

I'd say after five months, having tried an art class and parkrun (nice to run, but agree not ideal to meet people) there's probably no need to latch onto the first "ok person".

It may even take a few years! Just try to enjoy the process and have patience.

Mix it up, do one new thing every two month or something. Groups can change very fast. You might find one month you meet absolutely no-one interesting and another month loads.

Three years of showing up with small regular effort rather than a few months of trying too hard and getting burnt out.

Have a few venues you'd like to try out for coffee or a quick drink, enjoy dressing up for the first meet...

People often show their colours after 3 months or so, so there may be some duds where you realise you're incompatible after that time.

Don't try and fit a square peg into a round hole...if you meet someone who looks ok and has a professional job, but where you find them unkind or difficult to communicate with or they give you the ick, just move it along.

Maybe learn to eliminate better - how does it work you were with your ex for four years when things weren't going in the same direction?

If someone comes across as disinterested or you have to chase them or you're worried if they are into you or not....don't think about keeping them in your life or maintaining a friendship. It will just waste your time and energy.

Prioritise putting energy into either self-care or meeting new people.

Also don't get dragged into textual relationships sending photos and memes and "chat"...it should be a few texts in between meeting, to plan physical meets. Disable WhatsApp if you need to to avoid time wasters.

Choosing a life partner will hugely impact the quality of your life, possibly in a negative way (that goes for both men and women).

Agree with pps on attraction too...please don't force yourself to accept someone you think is unattractive!

If they generally seem like a normal mainstream looking person (to you) and you have similar styles, but you're not 100% bowled over, maybe that's a chance for a second meet.

But if you're forcing yourself to accept them because on paper you think they have a good job so they're a good catch, or as they're a bit weird looking they'll be "nicer" and more into you, this never works out.

I've not RTFT, but have read all your posts OP. You seem to be fixating a fair bit on your looks/height/earnings, his looks/height/earnings, and yet in one early post you said you are a bit geeky. I would seriously use this as a hook.

In your profile, mention some of your most quirky qualities - the kind that will put a lot of players off but will attract the kind of man who is looking for a woman like you to spend his life with. More personality, less looks and social status.

It was DH's geeky, quirky interests that made me 100% sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him as we'd not get bored.

Ignore this OP I think you sound the opposite of desperate! If you were you would be shacking up with anyone for the sake of it! The only thing I can say is, you really do still have time for everything you want and you should absolutely not settle for something that you know isn't right. I was single for 10 years before I met my Mr Right at 35 and I am thankful daily that I waited and found my partner, we had our first child last year and planning on a second hopefully! Sometimes everything is just around the corner even when you least expect it!

I would take some of these well-meaning comments with a pinch of salt.

TBH, most of the people I know who are married met their partners at university. In my circle, those of us who ended a relationship in our early 30s have been single ever since.

Yes, there are single men out there in my age bracket. However, having gone on quite a few first dates, I'd rather stay single than date what's left in my dating pool. Maybe when the married men divorce and end up back on the market, I'll reassess.

OP, you said you weren't sure about children. I think you need to get sure.

If you don't want kids, that takes a lot of the pressure off. If you do, that focuses what you're looking for and also opens up the option of exploring whether you want children enough to go it alone. In your 30s, I would also consider how you would feel about possibly becoming a stepmum. As I said, several of the married men will be back on the market at some point - would you consider dating a single father?

Ok but don't overplay the efficacy either (sorry, m not going to quote a success rate as it's not of much value without a medical history etc).

If you can comfortably afford it that's one thing but it's a lot of money.

Personally, if having a baby was the priority I would set a time limit for being either being in a relationship heading towards TTC (both on same page, reliable guy who understands biology and wants the same things ), or go straight for HFEA clinic sperm donation over egg freezing.

If you don't meet someone, you'll have to do that anyway a few years down the line if you still want to conceive.

33 is young enough that a time limit wouldn't put undue pressure on a relationship.

Not aimed at you OP, I meant more generally.

Someone early on posted something about her being intimidatingly tall, I think that's why the height focus.

I’m not overplaying the efficacy, I say upthread that a fertility doctor will be able to advise OP on how many eggs she needs to freeze at her age etc (as well as based on her medical history, as you rightly point out).

I don’t think 33 is that young - it gets harder and harder to meet a suitable man the older we get. The pool shrinks and what’s left is mostly dog shit, trust me. OP may meet the man of her dreams in the next 6 months or it may take 6 years. Freezing her eggs will increase her chances of successful IVF should she need to go down that route due to TTC at an advanced age (in terms of fertility).

that is a personal choice but if you're too old to have good eggs maybe your body is telling you something. each to their own!

This is a horrible attitude to have and I hope you don't say things like this to people going through fertility struggles! Just because someone needs extra help to get pregnant doesn't mean their 'body is trying to tell them something'. Lots of people use IVF successfully to help them get pregnant! The idea of freezing your eggs is that they will be of better quality at the time you freeze them than if you decide to start IVF a few years down the line. That's it!

I think manipulating nature to bring new humans to life at any cost is unethical and making it personal doesn't help the discussion it's a wider comment on the ethics of it which is all hypothetical in op's case but this is a separate issue which we probably shouldn't derail op's thread over.

Relevant https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/apr/29/outside-london-dating-pool-smaller-fewer-sharks

You’ve been wafting through this thread with your bizarre nonsense, desperately trying to either put the OP down or derail.

It’s very strange behaviour.

@Chirawehaha You called being 32 a baby, that's delusional but I get it, my opinion has struck a nerve with you. It's ok to have a difference of opinion, that's why it's an online forum.

Stranger and stranger. I did no such thing. If you’re at the stage where you’re making things up, then clearly something about this thread has struck a nerve with you. I wonder why.

You are not too old and not everyone finds their husband at university! That's rubbish.

You sound lovely, very sorted, confident and nice.
Don't do yourself down for anyone.

A couple of things I'd suggest:
Don't rule out men because of height. I nearly didn't go out with someone because he was short (5'6 or 7- I'm 5'6) but he was handsome, funny, good in bed and probably the only man I've ever loved!
Lots of men who are shorter make more of an effort with dating, appearance etc as they feel they have 'making up' to do.

Try to find someone you get on with as a friend first. Worry less about height, earning power, status and go for personality.
Give (almost) everyone a 2nd date- but not a 3rd.

Good luck x

This. I got to 30 after being single for most of my 20s and suddenly started feeling a bit ‘left on the shelf’ so to speak. I was fully prepared to be single forever as I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person but figured if I didn’t keep my toe dipped in the pool I’d never know.

joined a few apps (found hinge the best) and was very clear in my profile with what I wanted and that I didn’t want to waste time with someone who didn’t know what they wanted. It paid off and Ive been with my partner 3 years now. Be clear with what you want (helps weed out time wasters) and put some effort in and you’ll increase your chances

Whoops you win! 🍪

1. The height talk is mental - some men love tall girls
2. I think you will meet someone
3. Dating is hard
4. I think you could freeze your eggs if you could afford to and children are a prio?
5. Loads of people meet online
6. Maybe take a break right now, just to relax
7. Don't do yourself down and get in a relationship with a man just because he wants you. Work out if you want him. Are there red flags (drugs/cheating etc). Are you bending for him? I've seen friends be so keen to be in a relationship, they've tethered themselves to the wrong people
8. Ignore people who say "you should have married someone from uni". You didn't. It's over.

I’m 33! But I was the first of my immediate social circle to get married 2 years ago. Unless there’s a surprise engagement on the horizon they’re not getting married anytime soon so it seems that I am an exception. So don’t feel you’re on your own.
My DH is 43 and all of his friends got married in the last 10 years. He was actually my boss about 10 years ago, it absolutely was never even a thing until I randomly bumped into him at a local pub and we hit it off. Keep going with the online dating but you might also find a chance encounter is around the corner 😊.

I find it so random so much of this thread is about men's height. Do people REALLY think about this when choosing a bloke? I mean I just don't consider it.

Sorry, badly worded. I didn't mean you specifically were overplaying the outcomes I meant on MN I see generally it gets recommended in quite a casual manner. I think someone (not sure if you) suggested getting into debt for egg freezing and I wouldn't agree. Not without a lot of research, which you've obviously done (the research I mean, not saying debt).

Oh the dating pool gets murky and dog shitty alright. I met some real 'characters'. I do think there are nice blokes out there though, you just need boundaries of steel and a sharp eye for nonsense. There was a thread the other day with a similar aged woman who met a bloke. He wanted to meet her at the bar beneath his flat instead of halfway between their places. Half the thread was saying 'he hasn't done anything wrong, give him a chance', and half was saying 'the signs are there, he's not serious. Don't waste your time'. They were right. Not wasting time is key. I think female socialisation, seeing the best in people etc needs to be left at the door for this.

Reading the replies a lot of them are spot on.

The truth is a lot of good men are snapped up in their 20s. I'm the same age as you and everyone in my husbands circle and my circle are married to people they started dating before they were 25. Maybe wait for some divorces? 🤣