Feel like it's so hard to find anyone even at 33

[CoralWasp]

Well I'm 33 in about 2 weeks. I was supposed to attend a single's night last night that I'd paid £20 for but I ended up with a dodgy stomach, just my luck.

I've only been single for 5 months, but I'm feeling the age-related pressures, if I want to have a child. I'm not even 100% sure I want a child, or even immediately, but I know I don't have forever.
If I were under 30 I wouldn't care about finding someone.

My last relationship ended after 4 years because he didn't want commitment. Still friends and I'm still sad but definitely did the right thing.
A couple of months back I liked someone, it seemed he did too but then went funny literally from one day to the next, I do think it's more him than me but it did knock my confidence.

I joined a dating app and I've recently been let down by 2 flaky men who clearly just wanted a penpal.
I do parkrun but men there either turn up with their girlfriend or finish the run in about 6 minutes so by the time I've finished they're long gone.

I do art, went to a drawing class but the average age group was twice my age even though they were lovely.
The ones I like at work are either taken or look in their 20s, so I'd just seem like a predator.
The other women in my team are largely under 25 and essentially just have to exist and that's all it takes.

Of course this sound like a boast but I get told I'm beautiful, pretty, nice figure and so on and I get my fair share of pervy men so I can't be that awful surely.
I don't think my personality is that terrible either. Everyone else seems to have someone around me and nobody's got the 'perfect' personality, not that there is such a thing.

People say I'm funny, I think I'm smart, I speak other languages, I have a lot of hobbies, I suppose I am quite geeky. People say I'm 'sweet' which I'm not sure how I feel about.
I'm not really into drinking, pubbing and partying tbh. I think I'm good at one-to-one or small groups and there are certain people I can talk to for hours.

I live where the uni halls are and keep seeing 20-something girls with gorgeous boyfriends! There's a lovely man at work but I'm too scared to ask our mutual friend if he's single without looking creepy.
Anyway, rant over. Feel unattractive and unwanted. Any advice pls?

This is the norm in my circle too which includes people from different generations and from different cultural backgrounds.

There is a lot of judgy and outdated advice in this thread! OP you sound great, there is nothing wrong with you and nothing you’ve “done wrong” either. Most of my friends are around your age and many are still single / only just in early stages. They all have the same issue- it is just down to luck when and where you find the right match for you. You can’t just “snap up” a “good catch” at uni and make that work if they simply aren’t right for you.

The only thing I can say is that it’s a matter of numbers, keep trying all the options - dating apps, run clubs, friends of friends etc until you meet someone you click with. I know dating apps are super grim and you have to filter through a lot but my friends are relentless about scheduling and churning through the dates and there has been payoff!

I would also say that the friends who’ve met people in their 30s moved way quicker with marriage/kids - so don’t worry too much on that front either. I don’t know anyone who met in their 20s and had kids then - everyone seems to wait until their 30s anyway (I’m in London fwiw)

You sound lovely OP. Fret not. It's early days yet. When I was single I used to just think well, if I am single, why wouldnt there be men who are similar to me who are also single - where there is one, you will find others.

Online dating is pretty rough though, I have heard it described as looking for an eyelash in a bucket of diarrhoea which is possibly true! I think the key here is to not waste time on men who exhibit any red flags (even tiny ones)- dispose of them quickly so they dont waste your time. Get clear on what you want- write a list of the kind of man/relationship you want then visualise it happening in real life. I am a firm believer in visualisations- it's worked for me in all areas. Then, just relax and let it go, dont worry about it and it will happen.

You sound lovely, dating is hard. I am in my 40’s and as a teen/young adult felt too tall at 5’9 and hated being tall. Shoes and clothes were a nightmare. Now I’m pretty average, and don’t feel so tall. I am the tallest of my friends.

Husband is 5’7, never an issue for me or him. Earning have been varied for both of us. I don’t think you should think too much into your height. Everyone has to say something about the height difference it does get a bit boring after a while. We have a 6’4 son 😂

OP, I’m going to give you some practical advice that you will probably think is complete nuts, but: freeze your eggs.

Borrow the money if you have to, but get this done now at 33, even if you’re on the fence about having children.

It takes the pressure off and will let you date in a more relaxed way. The worst outcome would be that you decide you do want a baby and you’re still single in your late 30s so you jump into a relationship with someone who is not father material just so you can have a baby before your fertility window closes.

I hope this is a joke and not serious advice. Why on earth should the OP have to downplay herself in order to find a partner?

OP, you said you're going to parkrun to meet men but they're too fast etc. Why don't you join an informal running group - it's smaller than park run and a bit more social as well.

Try online again but have fairly strict rules for yourself about how invested you get. I.e. no texting all day every day for weeks without a meet up arranged. If a meet up isn't arranged within a week, let it go.

In relation to children, you need to decide what you would do if you do indeed remain single. Would it be an option for you to be a single parent through sperm donation?

I met my DH at 31 and within 2 years we were married and had a baby. I think you are right that many people meet their long term partners in their 30s. 33 is not too old to do so, but having children does have an age restriction unfortunately!

I totally agree with you! Not so good looking guys with low salaries can be JUST as arrogant if not more so than good looking high earners. Some men are very entitled just because they are men. DO NOT lower your standards. I had a similar panic at your age (so young by the way!) and thought I had to meet someone, anyone. The result was that I realised I could not live with an unmotivated and arrogant fool long-term and I was much happier single, surrounded by family and friends. Met "my person" aged 36. It can and will happen for you.

I genuinely think the age you are is the hardest age to be single. Men are very aware that if you want children then things need to move fast, so they'd much prefer to go for someone who is 28 and take the pressure off. That said, I met my husband when I was 32 as he was ready to settle down and have children too.

Try it in your 50s, ive given it up. Most decent men have been snapped up anyway. Believe me, men over 30 don't want to commit either... especially the over 40s. Just join clubs and meetups and go with the flow. If no joy, surrogacy

Everyone has to compromise somewhere and being aware of how your location, appearance and preferences reduce the pool which is then reduced further by whether the preferences of those suitable men align with what you offer. It's common sense. Nobody is saying have no standards but if what you have been doing and wanting hasn't given you results you can either keep going like I said in my first comment or try to review what you have and your wish list.

There’s a lot to be said for not ruling out men who do not at first seem to be your “type”. Attraction can grow, it doesn’t have to be instant fireworks and butterflies.

Having met dp within weeks of deciding to date seriously aged 51 (though I'd been playing around for a couple of years) it really isn't impossible at any age. There's a heavy sprinkling of luck of course. I'd agree with meeting early and often - basically get away from the online bit and into reality asap.

Someone on here mentioned the burned haystack method and for me it was a game changer. I didn’t give anyone a chance or the benefit of the doubt. Anything that for me that I thought I could compromise on for the “right guy” saw them ruthlessly get put in the binned pile. I didn’t set out to impress anyone- was just honestly myself.

The thing is for years I ticked along in a relationship that I MADE work and I know I can make a relationship work with a lot of guys. I’m reasonably attractive, have a good job, my own home. By being honest about who I am I now am in a relationship with a cracking guy. I am not having to make it work, it just does.

Sometimes with the dating apps we get into the habit of measuring our success on number of matches or does HE want another date etc. Burn the haystack go for quality and absolutely kill the quantity it’s a game changer

Actually, this is great advice if you can afford it. It's the age of your eggs that matters most, not the age you actually are when trying to get pregnant. If you freeze them at 33, it will be the same as trying IVF at age 33 if/when you do eventually use them. I wish I'd known this when I was in my early 30s! That's if having children is one of the things putting the pressure on, of course. It may not be a key consideration for you.

Just remember it’s not a magic solution. There are no guarantees.

You’ve only been single for 5 months. Stop trying to jump into another relationship.

Spend time working on yourself and becoming happy and confident alone.

if you are desperately searching for a new partner you will end up settling for someone who you don’t really like/doesn’t treat you well.

I didn’t find my forever partner until I was mid 30’s and it sounds cliche but once I stopped looking they came along.

There is a real difference between being open minded to different types and lowering standards though. If you are ruling out everyone below 6 foot then you are going to miss out on some great men, but if you go into a relationship with someone and you already feel like you are compromising then you are just wasting time trying to make stuff work.
For me high energy, strong family values, and strong work ethic are all fundamentals I won’t compromise on. I know I can date, have fun and make a relationship work with someone who doesn’t tick those boxes, but ultimately we aren’t aligned so it is going to fail eventually because it won’t work for me.

I think you need to know yourself pretty well to open up your type, and understand what are the things that are fundamentally important to you.

‘The best 'catches' in men who want a family and kids have been snapped up from uni by clever girlfriends who saw his ambitious potential so I disagree on not needing to find a husband material in your 20s if your ultimate aim is a marriage and family.’

Just wanted to say OP that this was not my experience. I’m early 40s now and there was a big round of break-ups at about age 27/28 when the women wanted more commitment than the men were ready for. Not one of my friendship group who were couples at uni ended up settling down together ultimately, so I don’t want you to feel like you’ve missed the boat. Several of the men went abroad at that stage and married women they met there instead. It was as if their old uni girlfriend and co-owned flat here just wasn’t exciting enough for them and they needed to go off around the world to see what else was out there. It really does seem like a problem for our time.

Just from experience (I did a lot of OLD, met my 'one' at 36), I wouldn't date too much younger. There will be exceptions but I found it would all go well but immaturity would show itself eventually.

Go for men you think are attractive, even if they're not your usual 'type', you can't force attraction and some of the most arrogant men I met were the least classically attractive. Not sure if protective mechanism or what.

Professionals who have to do a lot of training often settle down a bit later (some can find it hard to adapt if they've prioritised work their whole lives so bail at signs of selfishness). Worth a try though.i met some really nice 'maybes' who were incredibly eligible but hadn't dated much as they'd been so focussed on work. I suppose my DP actually comes under that category. I'd chat to a few mid-late 30s drs, engineers and that kind of thing.

My no 1 top tip however is those with a specific niche interest. Not really sport especially football or golf, video gaming, gambling, or drinking. Something preferably reasonably interesting. The focus is really attractive and shows they're not just interested in the basics of life

The height stuff is bollocks. 5'7" is well within the usual range. Men will either fancy you in person or not and height may or may not play a part in that.

Freeze her eggs to do what with them next? Exploit another woman to carry them for her? This is deeply wrong. If you're too old to have a baby, you're too old. Can't have everything in life!

Fuck. That.

Absolutely. But a fertility doctor will be able to advise OP as to how many she needs to freeze at her age to have a decent chance of a live birth when she comes to use them.

What on earth are you talking about?

Freezings eggs now means that OP will be able to use her younger, healthier eggs if she has to go down to the IVF route due to meeting a partner late in life, which will increase the chance of the IVF being successful.

To use herself!

This is DIRE advice.

I researched it… it’s expensive, invasive, can have long term health implications and has a laughably poor success rate.

I HATE that it’s bandied about as some kind of fix-all panacea. It’s just not.