How to get son's girlfriend out of my house

[55goingon15]

I'm a single mother, long-time poster but changed names for this. My DS, in his early 20s has moved his girlfriend in with us. I didn't mind much at first but now I realise what a huge mistake it's been.

We had yet another row yesterday over their untidiness and general lack of care (e.g. forgetting to lock the front door after coming in late on Friday night) and she called me all sorts of horrible, unrepeatable names and I don't know what to do. They have been living here free of charge for several months and I have had enough of her selfish ways and her attitude. She also vapes/smokes weed and has got my son into it which I really don't like in my house.

I want her to go, but obviously I don't really want my son to go with her. They are both in minimum wage type jobs so don't earn a lot, but they don't even contribute by washing up after I have cooked a meal. What is the best way to approach this? Unfortunately she winds me up and it ends up in a shouting match, with my son supporting her and with me telling them to get out. They ignore me and are still in my house. What can do? Obviously I am not strong enough to physically throw them out and anyway I do worry about my son's state of mind as he has some history of violent outbursts.

Speak to your son first, alone.
Remind him that you kindly allowed his guest for a non permanent stay, that you do not want drugs or vaping in your home and that it has to come to an end. Tell him you are going to ask Girlfriend to leave later that day. Tell him that if he is not vaping, not doing drugs and if he is alone and contributing to your househild financially and by helping out, he is welcome to stay.

Later that day announce that Girlfriend has one week to leave.
Remind her when she has one day to leave and that you will be gathering her things together after that and leaving them out the door. Stick to your guns when son decides to also leave.

If she has not left gather her things, call the lock smith and change the locks. Do not give your son a key. When he breaks up with her he might come home.
Be prepared to call the Police to help evict them if they will not go calmly.

I can’t believe she has been so rude and disrespectful to you!! Well both of them really. But she’s not your daughter, I would never have dreamed of behaving like that at a boyfriend’s parents house where I live (rent free!) shocking behaviour. What a shit situation to be in. I do think adult children grow up a lot later these days and things can become stuck in this kind of teenage/ parent tumultuous relationship where they are adults who have absolute freedom, but need to realise they are still adults living with parents and haven’t matured enough for it to shift into the mindset of being an adult living in another adults home. Sounds like you’ve been more than accommodating, and clearly that hasn’t got you anywhere and probably isn’t helping your son mature into the real world, even though you’re just trying to do your best as a mother. It’s good that your son has apologised, I think as others have said it’s time for a calm conversation and she definitely needs to go she sounds awful not even apologised to you. Changing the locks while they’re out would probably just drive your son away even more. Would probably do him the world of good to move out and appreciate how easy he had it at home. My own relationship with my mum certainly improved after I moved out at 22, came back for a year and things were totally different I felt so bad at how I had taken her for granted before. All part of growing up. You definitely do not deserve that treatment in your own home though. Hope you find a solution OP, I’m sure things will work out xx

If you want her out I'd say, you can't stay here anymore. When they're out change the locks, and don't give them the keys. If he goes with her, then so be it. They are two grown adults, not children. Let them go.

Your enabling your son to treat you like shit. Who accepts there partner calling there mum names

No offence but you have raised your son, now he's like this and you need to stop enabling him to be an asshole

Is it just you 3 living at home OP? Or do you have other children living with you too? If you do have other children it must be awful for them to be living amongst all of this going on, and totally unfair on them. Maybe even traumatising depending on their age. Please do update us with what happens x

Get a pair of bollocks and kick her out today drag her out and lock the door

I agree with PPs that you need to do this at a time when you're calm and rational, not in the middle of an argument.
Best of luck 💐

Nope. It’s not all OP’s fault. People are influenced by more than just their parents. And he has to take responsibility for his behaviour - he’s an adult.

op sounds like a sensitive nice and generous person who is trying her best.

Please don’t do this op. They both sound aggressive and you are not. If you decide they are leaving please do as others have suggested and have someone with you. Do not do it alone.

@55goingon15

You have been given a lot of excellent advice.

My advice comes from a friend who went through something similar but I will just share the part not already mentioned.

Before you ask them to leave, please make sure any valuables you have, credit cards, your passport, cash reserves, jewelry, heirlooms, are safely stashed with a friend. You'd be surprised at how much can just "disappear" while abusive people are packing to "move out".

I will also ditto the advice for having someone, preferably male, with you when you inform them of what they will be doing (moving out).

Stay safe and become happy again! Your DS and his GF are old enough to have consequences for their unconscionable behavior.

If you’re afraid your son will become violent seek some advice from a local domestic abuse charity.

The mistake was allowing her in the first place. Just speak to the son only (not to her) and says she can stay one night a week but no more and that she needs to leave by end of the weekend. may be she can move in with h er parents. My son's girl friend is lovely and she has never moved in but I made it clear to him I would not agree to her being here during the week (he never suggested that would be so but I wanted it clear). I don't mind a night a week or 2 or 3 every 2 weeks but that is my own personal limit even though she is great.

Kick them both out, give them til a set time and if they’re not gone, you change the locks, call the police and put their stuff out front. Tell your son he stays and helps out or he goes with her and when they’re no longer together then he’ll be welcome back. I cooked and paid rent at my MILs and would never have screamed horrible names at her if we disagreed.

Don’t go out and leave them! She or they may trash your house.

I do feel for you. My daughter's primitive partner was here for a while. He is totally objectionable. Really, I think it is time you had your life back and they went. If he stays, she is bound to stop over some nights and that will grow.

At I e point, I had to keep perishable items not in the fridge but in my room because he would help himself to whatever he fancied!!

Really good luck to you. I don't see why either of us should be berated in our own homes!

Currently trying to have a baby with Iui .
Reading all post similar to this one I'm just wondering it is worth all the effort for this ...what do you get in return for all the sacrifice

What an awful position to find yourself in.

I would sit him down and say that she can’t stay living in your home any longer. Maybe offer a couple of weeks notice. Tell your son whilst you love him you don’t always like the way he treats you and you will understand if he wants to move out with her.
have you anyone to turn to, like your own family? I hate to say it but ur being bullied and the weaker s/he sees you the more they will treat you like this.

Hell Yeh!!!
Cheeky little bitch talking to you like that! And you are doing her a favour!!!
I would have kicked her out at the name calling!
Tell your Son. Tell him he can leave too if he has a problem with it.
FFS have some gumption. This is REDICULOUS!

Sometimes I wonder how on earth these posts are actually real. As soon as she raised her voice to me I’d be packing her shit and turfing her out-how dare she, in your home, treat you with such disrespect. And how on earth your son has allowed her to is another thread entirely.

Yes, it is difficult because you obviously love your boy, but Unfortunately your son apologising will only last a day or two, it will revert back to the GF being rude etc. You need to get a plan to put in place, i.e. locksmiths number, bin bags ready, plus someone on your side to back you up (police at last resort). Good luck.

See if your local police can offer DV advice - you should not need to tolerate this is in your own house. I doubt if having a row would help - better to try to find the most practical way of getting them to leave. May be good advice to lock away valuables as a previous post suggested.

Speaking as a mum whose son also had violent outbursts- I ended up getting the police and he was escorted off the premises. He now lives with his GF - we have a decent relationship but the relief of not having that in my house is fantastic. You deserve safety and peace. Don’t be a doormat - you need to be brave or it will not change. Sending hugs xxx

You need to get them both to leave.

You will never achieve just getting her to leave - and why do you want someone with violent outbursts under your roof?

The behaviour you're putting up with is gob-smackingly outrageous.

Set a timeline - like 6 weeks?
Tell them they are both leaving and give them each a letter explaining the date they must leave by (keep a copy to show authorites) and also the rules they must abide by before they leave.

• No violence
• No verbal abuse
• No shouting
• Clean up after themselves
• Any breakages or damage must be paid for
• Return their keys and knock to gain entry

Advise them to go to Citizen's Advice Bureau or Benefits office for advice.

• Stop cooking for both of them.
• Do not do any washing for both of them.
• Do not buy anything for them.

Contact the local police and explain the date they will be leaving and ask if special constables can be present when you give your son and his girlfriend notice to leave - stating a possible violent reaction.
If they react badly, the police will also probably decide to be present on eviction day.
Contact the girl's parents and inform them their daughter and your son are being evicted on this date.
If you are renting/ Council accommodation - also let your landlord know. They will have a vested interest in the state and care of the property.

Change the locks 4 weeks after informing them of the eviction date. (Or before then if they refuse to hand over keys). Have only one key and keep it on you at all times. so it can't be copied. If they need to come in, they must ring the doorbell. If they break the door, call the police

Your son might become angry - hence the police (or a neighbour) being present when you hand them their letters telling them to leave.

Trust me the situation will only get worse, if they are verbally abusing you now.

Get them both out now. Have space from each other for the next 6 months.

Cut the apron strings with your son.

They won't be going anywhere better than where they are now.

Do not ever invite them back into your home to stay overnight - even if she gets pregnant. You're too useful as a babysitter for them not to need you in the future.

And yes, they know how badly they are treating you. And right now you are giving them permission to be worst versions of themselves.

I’ve been in this exact position and it’s utterly awful.

I would say that the reason she’s behaving towards you in that way is because your son behaves that way towards you and she sees him getting away with it. He may not be name-calling you but she sees him disrespecting you on some level and it justifies her behaviour.

No matter how many times I reset boundaries and gave more chances to my son and his girlfriend it always reverted to the abusive situation which was very upsetting. I had no other adult to back me up at home so I was really struggling in the power dynamic against the pair of
them.

The situation came to a head where I had to call the police because the argument had gotten so heated and my son appeared as if he was about to hit me. For the first time in my life I was genuinely scared of him and can still recall his girlfriend standing behind him with a smug smirk on her face whilst he was screaming in my face.

Id strongly advise you to move the girlfriend out. The dynamic of your son living with his mother and girlfriend generates some tricky situations - particularly as it’s your own home - and without the girlfriend there it moves back to a family feel in the home. If he chooses to move out with her then let him go. He’s a man now and it sounds like it’s time for him to stand on his own two feet and look after himself.

Do not give away the safety of your home because of your son and his girlfriend. He will do what he’s going to do regardless of how you treat him but you still need a safe space to be.