How to get son's girlfriend out of my house

[55goingon15]

I'm a single mother, long-time poster but changed names for this. My DS, in his early 20s has moved his girlfriend in with us. I didn't mind much at first but now I realise what a huge mistake it's been.

We had yet another row yesterday over their untidiness and general lack of care (e.g. forgetting to lock the front door after coming in late on Friday night) and she called me all sorts of horrible, unrepeatable names and I don't know what to do. They have been living here free of charge for several months and I have had enough of her selfish ways and her attitude. She also vapes/smokes weed and has got my son into it which I really don't like in my house.

I want her to go, but obviously I don't really want my son to go with her. They are both in minimum wage type jobs so don't earn a lot, but they don't even contribute by washing up after I have cooked a meal. What is the best way to approach this? Unfortunately she winds me up and it ends up in a shouting match, with my son supporting her and with me telling them to get out. They ignore me and are still in my house. What can do? Obviously I am not strong enough to physically throw them out and anyway I do worry about my son's state of mind as he has some history of violent outbursts.

100 x this!!

Why do you "obviously" not want your son to go? Look at how he treats you and allows some random woman he's brought into your house (did you even give permission?) to treat you. He has zero respect for you, plus he's a grown man! I bet loads of people in here were parents themselves by his age.

Are you really that lonely? Kick him out and get yourself out with some friends or join a local club or something. You don't need this shit. Time to start thinking of yourself a bit and valuing yourself. You don't have to turn ypur back on your boy, but you sure as hell don't need to let him walk all over you either

Agree @Patchymum and @Gettingonmygoat

Put them out OP. Your son shouldn’t stand back and let her speak to you this way or treat your house like that. They’re living there stack free and think they can behave like that? Absolutely no chance. If they can afford to vape and smoke weed, they can afford to pay you digs.

Totally agree with this! Why would you put up with it? You say it turns into a slanging match, just tell her 'you're no longer welcome here, pack your bags and get out'. If she refuses, call the police there and then, and let your disrespectful son go too. If he choses to come back, lay down ground rules before you even think of letting him move in, and if he shows any signs of moving another girl/woman in with him, then again, you lay ground rules, they pay rent, and for their own food, and do certain agreed jobs in the house. Failure to do so, equals notice to leave.

Some of the people commenting here are making my brain numb… everybody is saying kick them o which is obvious as you’ve asked for help/advise on how to get them to leave!! You are asking for a solution, is there anybody you are close to? A friend or male relative that support you? I would suggest having the discussion with them about finding somewhere else to live with another person present to reiterate what you are saying and make it clear they have to leave as soon as they’ve found somewhere else to go. I think a male friend or relative is especially important if your son has violent outbursts as mentioned.

That's the only way to end this shitshow.

Why are you engaging in screaming matches with people 20 years younger than you? At this point, you are all adults but acting like children. If your son is accepting of his girlfriends behaviour he is no better, and she didn’t force him to start smoking etc. he’s his own person, and has shown you who that person is.

give them a deadline and don’t engage any further. Simply “this arrangement isn’t working out any longer and you’ll need to leave by X date”. If they haven’t found somewhere else by then, pack their belongings and change the locks.

I completely agree. They have crossed a line and don’t deserve notice or consideration, for that matter.

It sounds like the girlfriend and possibly even the son may become physically abusive. It happens – my own mum found herself in a situation where a young relative moved in, took advantage and before long there were others living there doing the same. They became physically abusive and mum was afraid in her own home.

You can’t protect your son from the world. He is an adult and you are enabling him, not helping him. Get them out. Think about getting someone (preferably someone big and strong) to be there with you. Out they go and locks changed. Your situation can and will get worse if you allow them to continue living with you.

Agree with this. If my son’s girlfriend spoke to me like that I would 100% ask her to leave. I’d give them 48 hours notice and even that’s being generous. What an awful way to treat you and for your son to let that happen.

Wow what a pair of self absorbed AHs.

Do you have a friend preferrably male) who can be with you when you tell her to leave because you need to do this and do it now. If your son insists on going with her, so be it.
Adult children are not a parents problem. You owe your son nothing, he owes you bug time.

Sending a hug, no wonder she's at your house, her parents/guardian probably threw her out.

At first I was thinking maybe tell the son that you are welcome to stay if you split up with her and pay rent and chip in, but you are so right. Tell him to be ashamed of himself and get out or the locks will be changed because he hasn't defended/respected you.

Kick her out, if she refuses call the police and have her escorted off.
Tell your son you won't tolerate any disrespect from now on and if he is living with you he needs to contribute.
He can see his girlfriend at her place.

My son has now apologised for both of their behaviour and promised to do better.

Sorry to be cynical, but I think your son has picked up on your feelings and they're trying to "be good" - I hope it lasts, but suspect it won't.

What a horrible way to live, she at least really needs to leave your house OP. You should not be treated in this way in your own home. If he goes with her, so be it. He's old enough to move out of home now.

Have a conversation with him and tell him straight it’s not on and if he’s staying with weedy Wendy then they both need to leave because you will not be disrespected like that. He can stay. She can’t. If they won’t leave, you get the police to remove them. Is there anyone else who can talk to him as well, to get the point across that he’s treating you badly and has to stop now?

It's your ds's gf that needs to apologise to you. How dare she call you names when you're letting her live rent free in your house

Steady on folks the op doesn't deserve this much of a flaming☝️🤨
I do think you've been too soft with them@55goingon15 that's because you're a nice person who wants to see the good in everyone. Which is laudable, but unfortunately people take advantage. If you lay down on the floor they will kid themselves that you enjoy being walked on😬
Time to get tough 👷‍♀️

The first part is the hardest. Sit down with them when you are NOT angry, and have a calm discussion with them (TOLD you that's the hard part). Tell them that they have two choices (if you want to, if not, just the ultimatum). They may pay rent, do their share of household duties, and be respectful of you, OR they may find other lodgings. You have to be prepared for him to go with her. He's an adult, making adult choices (even if poor ones), and should face adult consequences. Should they decide to leave, give them a firm but reasonable timeline, and stick to it. IF necessary, you may have to pack their things and change the locks. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Tell them it's not working for you, and they have 4 weeks to find themselves alternative accommodation
What another 4 weeks of being abused in her own home?
Not a chance. It's gone on too long as it is. I would give them until the end of the week. Any protests from them, they need to be told they bought it on themselves.

You're being a doormat

I wouldn't put up with this in my home

One day she will hit you, if she hasn't already.

and I do wonder if he has hit you / hurt you in the past ? as you mention ' he has some history of violent outbursts.'

Obviously I am not strong enough to physically throw them out and anyway I do worry about my son's state of mind as he has some history of violent outbursts.

I don't understand why you're so focused on the girlfriend as the only problem.

They both go. Decide on a deadline for them to be out - you can make this a few weeks if you choose, but be clear how they must behave in the interim and that the consequence of not doing so is being told to leave immediately. Tell them this outside of an argument when everything is calm, and don't get into justifying your decision. "This is my home and your behavior has been unacceptable. You're no longer welcome to live here. You need to find somewhere to live and be out by X date. If you choose to scream or swear at me in my home again I will call the police to have you removed." End of conversation. Repeat it if they argue.

If you're genuinely afraid of your son, don't give him advanced notice. Call the police, explain the situation and ask them to come escort him and the girlfriend from your home. Have an appointment set up to change the locks in advance.

You're not doing your son any favors by letting him live off you rent free while behaving this way, and it's certainly not fair to you.

Caveat to this. Have someone with you when you tell her directly.
No sugar-coating. "I want you out by today"
There is no why. Do not even entertain a why. And no time either. Not tomorrow. Not the end of the week. If your son sides with her, chuck him out too. He's chosen a stranger over family.

Sisterhood and girl power is great, but I'd want my husband/brothers/dad there with me. If you don't have a relative, ask a neighbour et cetera. Even consider the police. There's a level of entitlement in this generation, and they respect only force. Don't underestimate her ability to play crybully.

I know you’re afraid to put up boundaries with your ds. But you need to for you and for him. This is part of parenting and it’s the hard bit. He will thank you in the end.

Best advice I got from my dad. You're their mother, not their friend.

I posted upthread about my mum being taken advantage of and physically threatened/harmed by a young relative and friends. This seems eerily like what I experienced with that situation. My mum complained and said she wanted to evict them but ultimately she wouldn’t allow it. If OP just wants to vent but doesn’t want to take the steps needed to fix the situation, nothing can be done. I wouldn’t believe the son’s apology and promise to change – not for a minute.