How to get son's girlfriend out of my house

[55goingon15]

I'm a single mother, long-time poster but changed names for this. My DS, in his early 20s has moved his girlfriend in with us. I didn't mind much at first but now I realise what a huge mistake it's been.

We had yet another row yesterday over their untidiness and general lack of care (e.g. forgetting to lock the front door after coming in late on Friday night) and she called me all sorts of horrible, unrepeatable names and I don't know what to do. They have been living here free of charge for several months and I have had enough of her selfish ways and her attitude. She also vapes/smokes weed and has got my son into it which I really don't like in my house.

I want her to go, but obviously I don't really want my son to go with her. They are both in minimum wage type jobs so don't earn a lot, but they don't even contribute by washing up after I have cooked a meal. What is the best way to approach this? Unfortunately she winds me up and it ends up in a shouting match, with my son supporting her and with me telling them to get out. They ignore me and are still in my house. What can do? Obviously I am not strong enough to physically throw them out and anyway I do worry about my son's state of mind as he has some history of violent outbursts.

OP You are putting all the blame onto the Gf and making excuses for your darling boy, except he is not your boy, he is a grown man that is abusive. No doubt you will always excuse his behaviour and he will still be living rent free and causing you harm in your home this time next year. That is your choice.

Put up with crap and you’re going to get more crap.

She most certainly needs to go.. but I personally would give my son another chance. It doesn't sound like he'll take it but at least you'll know you did. I could never turn my back on my child.

So she hasn't apologised yet?

An apology from your son alone simply isn't good enough.

Unless a whole hearted, sincere apology is received directly from her within the next 48 hours, I would still give notice to her.

If your son chooses to go with her, that is his choice.

I am so sorry you are going through this and I just wish some of us could be by your side right now.

What worries me most of all is the "history of violent outbursts". That is completely out of order for a start. I think the first step is to mention this to the police and that you want them to move out.

I do not know what the police will say, but they may even offer to come round when you tell them. I suppose it depends if they have any special priority for such particular cases.

If you just want rid of them, you can change the locks and give them NO notice whatsoever. Maybe that is extreme, but I think you should think of YOU first of all.

Alternatively, maybe a gentle suggestion that "you think they need their own space and would be much 'happier' living according to their own rules, rather than with an old 'fuffy-duddy' like me"? They MAY start to change their ways. In any case, you have started the ball rolling.

Good luck xxx

Sorry op, but they need to leave. I know it's not black and white with your children, but I let my dd1 abuse our family terribly whilst she played the victim because of her youth. She was pregnant at 15, 17, 18 all different dads. Her partying and drinking were out of control and we looked after the babies because we were afraid for their safety. If we did not, the abuse was horrendous. She left for a while and had a nice house provided for her but she destroyed it and was thrown out so we took her back. I should make it clear the children remained with us by court order.

I tell you this because she was fine initially but very quickly returned to type, but worse than ever this time.

Your son's gf has shown you who she is. How dare she abuse you like that in your own home. She absolutely must go. I know through bitter experience. If it is this bad this soon, it will only escalate. Please have the strength to not give them a second chance.

My gs's gf stays with me regularly and they are not tidy. But she is appreciative, friendly and regularly thanks me for meals or allowing her to stay. That is the difference.

You are ridiculous to believe that anything will change.

They won’t suddenly become perfect little tidy people and frankly, letting her stay would be a huge error after the way she’s spoken to you, zero respect about living in your house for free!

They both need to leave for sure, they are not going to split up no matter how much you wish for it. At least this way you won't have to deal with them daily. They are adults!! Tell them it's time to find their own place as this arrangement isn't working. How dare she call you names living free of charge in your home!! Makes me angry just thinking about it.

You don't feel safe is what I'm getting from this post as your scared of his reaction. So get another adult present of you can and ask them to leave set a deadline. Tell them it's her that needs to go and he's welcome to stay ( if it was me I'd get them both to go so he learns soke manners) let him go OP. Few weeks max where they're sofa surfing and realising it's not cheap will make them grow up and he's be begging to come back home on your terms. You really will be parenting right and doing him a favour. All your doing now is making his life difficult a few years down the line when he needs to be independent

If they're not paying tenants I doubt they need any notice.

@Mybusyday

'I don't think it is as easy as this. Do you have DC? Could you honestly say that you would do this?'

It really is as easy as that. If my son behaves like the ops son he would have been kicked out and taught an important life lesson of 'Don't bite the hand that feeds you.'

I can’t nor would I want to begin to imagine how she speaks to and treats her own parents if is that’s is speaks to you!!!! I agree with PP no notice no ifs buts maybes about she leaves. Yes your son will probably take her side and go with her, there’s no much you can do about that, I’m afraid. However one day he’ll be back when he realizes what an abuse nasty crank she is. It’s a case of love is blind at the moment.

Calling you unrepeatable names? Out.

I think you'll just have to say it's not working out. Give her a date and stick to it. Also much firmer ground rules need to be put in place with your son.

I lived with my ILs twice - both times for less than 2 months while moving. We were grateful, respectful, tidy and paid towards bills. His mum did my laundry which I didn't like, she'd come into the room to get it and comment on my 'skimpy knickers' but I'm going off on one. I'm just saying I was very respectful that I was in someone else's home.

Just say she needs to go. If your son goes too I don't think there is much you can do. You certainly shouldn't have to put up with her rudeness.

Screwfix does the lock part. Easy to change you get 3 keys for about £10 and you only need a screwdriver to change it.

I'm with @Bellsbeachwaves beyond shocking. I couldn't allow abuse like that. You've said your son has issues. Could you be so accustomed to it you don't know where, or how, to draw the line? He's not a child. It really is a needs must situation for your mental, and possibly physical, health. I hear how difficult this is, but Please get them both out.

Two weeks notice? I would say you want her out tomorrow. If he chooses to go with her that’s fine, or he can stay, start paying for his keep and showing some respect.

Her response to you asking them to tidy up and lock the front door was to call you awful names?

That isn't really a normal response, what is she like to your son?

The whole living arrangement sounds terrible anyway - total clash of lifestyles and interests.
They are being irresponsible 20 somethings living how they like with no regard for others which is okay if you have your own place but so disrespectful in someone else's home.
I imagine you constantly on at them makes them feel nagged at - it's just a shitty way for all involved to live.

Point being - they need to move out regardless of this latest episode.

Accept your son may move out with her and things will be the better for it!

As a fellow single parent, I want to be kind. I know you probably don’t want to be alone and I sense this is your biggest fear in asking them to leave.

But your son is still learning and moving out might be the best way he will stop having violent outbursts and perhaps drug taking too, as non-related people are less likely to put up with their poor behaviour. He might be motivated to improve his earning capacity. He is also be more likely to break up with the girlfriend who clearly isn’t a good partner for him as reality crashes on their lives. He may thank you later, as it is a parental act to put boundaries in place.

My daughter (21) is moving out soon and while I will miss her it’s going to be a really good learning curve for her. It will massively improve her self esteem.

This. Your son will be back when they inevitably split up. It’s up to you whether you welcome him home. Good luck. I feel for you x

No notice, they will potentially kick ff during that time if you give them a week. Have someone with you, go out and tell them they need to leave before you get home. If they disagree call the police.