Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To not go to sibling reception?

146 replies

Mamma26252 · 27/04/2024 13:52

DB is getting married next year. We're friendly but not close. I'm very pleased for him, like his fiancee and everything.

Myself, DH and DS6 are all invited. It's a few hours travel away. DS has SEN and is very high needs, definitely can't cope with the ceremony, is loud and chatty, and would ruin it for everyone. So DH will keep DS occupied elsewhere. Then they will try to join us for family photos.

For the reception, I think it's going to be no children apart from DS. DS might be able to cope while he's eating. But I think three courses will be challenging unless he's on his tablet. He can't cope with noise, music and lots of people chatting, but he can't wear ear defenders. He might manage a quick meal and then best to go.

On top of that I suspect I'm ND. I hate large social occasions - I'm super anxious, I can put on a face and have a reasonable time, but at the end I'm exhausted and I don't think it's worth it.

Also we have very little family - just our immediate family. I was also very low contact with my parents - we are trying to make an effort now for DS but it's awkward. After a huge bust up last year, I've vowed never to be on my own with them again - they can't help but criticise me, and under the influence of alcohol I feel like it's going to happen. DB also has tons of friends from school, uni, work, all flying in, and the reception will be full of them. So basically I won't know anyone apart from my parents.

AIBU to ask DB that DH, DS and I not to attend the reception - DS would be our excuse - with traveling, photos etc. I feel like it's a waste of money for DB to include us and I would be much happier just attending the ceremony on my own to see him get married.

OP posts:

FluffyRabbitGal · 27/04/2024 13:58

I’d be really Hurt and upset if you didn’t even try. It will look to your brother that you don’t really care. Do you think he’ll be able to remain friendly if that’s how he feels?

Justcallmebebes · 27/04/2024 14:01

It is your brother and it seems like they've made an exception for your DS to attend the reception so yes, I think YABU

ZipZapZoom · 27/04/2024 14:02

Honestly if be really hurt if I were your brother. I'm sure he won't care if your DS is on his tablet during the breaks in the meal or at the reception as long as it's not disturbing others. The fact he's invited your son despite having no other kids there suggests he's trying really hard to accommodate you so I would be doing everything possible to attend.

Itsalwayssomething · 27/04/2024 14:02

I totally get where you’re coming from and appreciate your stance. However, some things and some people are worth putting yourself out for. Make an effort on this occasion. Slip out early on the day making an excuse if you have to.

Original poster

Mamma26252 · 27/04/2024 14:04

Do you think attending the ceremony won't be enough? The options are:

I attend ceremony alone, the three of us go to the reception, DS and DH leave straight after the meal (as DS will definitely kick off), I stay behind until it's acceptable to leave.
I attend ceremony alone, we all go to the reception, we all leave as soon as the meal is over.
I attend ceremony alone, I go to the reception alone

Just to add, we have no one who can look after DS.

OP posts:

sunshineandshowers40 · 27/04/2024 14:06

I would go for option 1

Original poster

Mamma26252 · 27/04/2024 14:07

ZipZapZoom · 27/04/2024 14:02

He'll be on his tablet but he's still be loud and chatty with the volume on. That's probably fine for the meal, but not speeches.

I'm hoping the fact that we're all going to travel to see them and for me to attend the ceremony will be enough to show I care. But maybe not going by the responses so far. ☹️

We're friendly but not close. I'm not sure if he'd care that much if I came as we barely speak, have nothing in common. His friends are his family.

OP posts:

ZipZapZoom · 27/04/2024 14:08

I would go for option one although I would actually plan for DS and DH to not leave immediately after the meal. What's the venue like? Is there a quieter area DS and DH could retreat to, to stay a while?

Original poster

Mamma26252 · 27/04/2024 14:10

I'm just so stressed at the idea of trying to make DS sit through something formal. I don't mind him being loud, but my parents will feel humiliated that we can't keep him under control. DB is understanding, but I don't want to embarrass him either or ruin it for his fiancee.

OP posts:

caringcarer · 27/04/2024 14:10

Option 3. You go to the ceremony and reception alone. Let DH look after your DC.

PurpleJustice · 27/04/2024 14:11

Are you traveling there and back in the same day OP?

If there are rooms available at the venue, that would probably be your best option. Then your DH can take your DS back to the room and you can escape take regular breaks, but still be there for your brother. Otherwise I think you should go for option 1.

Original poster

Mamma26252 · 27/04/2024 14:12

ZipZapZoom · 27/04/2024 14:08

Yes but there's no guarantee he would stay there, especially if I'm in the other room. But noise and the sound of lots of people chatting dysregulates him.

I can see myself ferrying food back and forth to the quiet room. It all seems like a pointless exercise to show that I care. I do! But we're going to suffer through it, and it will be on display to everyone! And I can't stress enough, my parents will feel humiliated.

OP posts:

Pinkballoon5 · 27/04/2024 14:13

I just wouldn't go. Much easier. Otherwise it is a lot of effort and whichever option U choose will not be good enough

MumChp · 27/04/2024 14:13

I would make a family trip out it. Book a nice hotel and do option 1.

LittleBearPad · 27/04/2024 14:13

Option 1 or 2 and play the leaving time by ear. If you have a room in the hotel you can always dip out for a bit and go back. If it’s busy and noisy people won’t notice

NewJobNewMeNewLife · 27/04/2024 14:14

Is there hotel rooms on site ds and a parent could retreat to if it gets too much?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/04/2024 14:14

I would leave your DS with your DH and attend the ceremony and the reception alone.

If he's watching videos on a tablet with the sound turned on he will most likely ruin the meal for people sitting near him as well (sorry to say it).

Thelondonone · 27/04/2024 14:16

He can’t be on a tablet at all unless he can wear headphones, that’s unacceptable.
i think it’s better if you go on your own. If finances allow your dh and son can come for photos-but it sounds like hard work. You can’t not go.

AveAtqueVale · 27/04/2024 14:18

Can you not just ask your brother?

'DB, I'm so grateful you've invited us all to your wedding. As you know DS will struggle a lot with sitting through anything formal, so I'm going to attend the ceremony alone. For the reception, what you prefer we do? If we bring DS then with the best will in the world he'll be loud and chatty, and probably on his tablet with the volume on. If you'd still like to have us all there we'd be delighted, and DH could take him outside during speeches etc. But the day is about you and DFiancée, and if that will bother you and detract from you enjoying the day (or if Mum and Dad getting stressed about it will bother you!) then maybe I should also come to the reception on my own? We won't be offended either way- just let us know what you want us to do!'

ZipZapZoom · 27/04/2024 14:19

And I can't stress enough, my parents will feel humiliated.

With the deepest of respect fuck your parents and their humiliation. This isn't their day. If you brother wants you all to attend discuss your plans and ideas with him. Your parents have nothing to do with it and anyone feeling humiliated by their ND grandchild is a twat.

LeaveTheClocksAlone · 27/04/2024 14:19

Could you and DH go as an adult event? Is there anyone suitable enough to mind DS?

PurpleJustice · 27/04/2024 14:19

I really don't agree with people saying he can't be on his tablet.

We're are talking about the groom's nephew, using an iPad to regulate. Would people really be pissed off about a special needs child using a device so the could be somewhat included in a family event??

No wonder the OP doesn't want to go.

crumblingschools · 27/04/2024 14:19

You advocate for your son. Doesn’t sound as if he would be able to cope with the reception. Typical reception takes ages with 3 courses and speeches

You can go for ceremony and reception but DH stays home with DS

Original poster

Mamma26252 · 27/04/2024 14:21

I also suspect my parents will be embarrassed that their SEN DG is acting up. They're going to worry that DB's school friends will tell their parents, who my parents knew well once, and they'll feel ashamed. I mean it's a ridiculous thing to feel ashamed about (there's cultural factors as well) but I know them, and I know this is what they'll be thinking when they look at DS.

I don't think there are rooms, it's just a venue for functions. But yes we would definitely ask for a quiet room for DS to retreat to.

OP posts:

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 27/04/2024 14:21

Option three is the obvious and sensible solution. PP saying that essentially you don’t know your own child and you could manage to make him change just for this occasion are ….incorrect.

You think this is right, DH doesn’t mind, DB doesn’t mind , DB wife to be will be grateful not to have the one child present kicking off.

They have invited you to be polite. You can return the compliment by doing everything in your power to make their day go well.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread