To not go to sibling reception?

[Mamma26252]

DB is getting married next year. We're friendly but not close. I'm very pleased for him, like his fiancee and everything.

Myself, DH and DS6 are all invited. It's a few hours travel away. DS has SEN and is very high needs, definitely can't cope with the ceremony, is loud and chatty, and would ruin it for everyone. So DH will keep DS occupied elsewhere. Then they will try to join us for family photos.

For the reception, I think it's going to be no children apart from DS. DS might be able to cope while he's eating. But I think three courses will be challenging unless he's on his tablet. He can't cope with noise, music and lots of people chatting, but he can't wear ear defenders. He might manage a quick meal and then best to go.

On top of that I suspect I'm ND. I hate large social occasions - I'm super anxious, I can put on a face and have a reasonable time, but at the end I'm exhausted and I don't think it's worth it.

Also we have very little family - just our immediate family. I was also very low contact with my parents - we are trying to make an effort now for DS but it's awkward. After a huge bust up last year, I've vowed never to be on my own with them again - they can't help but criticise me, and under the influence of alcohol I feel like it's going to happen. DB also has tons of friends from school, uni, work, all flying in, and the reception will be full of them. So basically I won't know anyone apart from my parents.

AIBU to ask DB that DH, DS and I not to attend the reception - DS would be our excuse - with traveling, photos etc. I feel like it's a waste of money for DB to include us and I would be much happier just attending the ceremony on my own to see him get married.

1 or 3

It's not being on a tablet that's the issue, it's having the sound turned on. That makes it unacceptable, yes.

I don’t think I would be thrilled about the sound being on. The other guests will have forked out for usual
wedding expenses and may not wish to have a couple of hours Peppa Pig, or whatever,

Thanks this is really helpful. I'm trying to assess how reasonable it is go make this kind of request.

Especially those that are flying in from abroad. I'm very aware that his closest friends are forking out money and annual leave to attend.

I agree he could use his tablet, but if he's not going to have headphones on, then it's not very fair n the bride and groom to have something loud playing during their wedding.

Honestly the best thing here is to forget your parents (they sound worse with every post) and have a proper conversation with your brother.

Yes as some have said he may have invited you out of politeness or he may actually really want to try and build bridges and for you to get on better and this is him making an effort to do that. Either way he's the person whose opinions matter here.

Just go by yourself - leave DH and DS at home doing something they enjoy and explain to your brother that DS just can't handle this type of formal occasion. It's not worth the stress for you or DS.

Attend the ceremony and smile, support your brother, ask to be sat near some of his nicer friends at the reception, join in, grit your teeth and leave in the evening once you feel you've done your bit. Don't tie yourself in knots trying to please everyone for the sake of a family photo that includes DS.

No one will bat an eyelid at a child with SEN being loud or sitting with an iPad, but you really can’t have the volume on.

I agree! It's just that they will remember it forever. It will change how they see DS - they'll see his worst self. And that stress from parents might inadvertently upset DB. I just want the day to go as smoothly as possible for DB and his fiancee. I feel like we'll be impacting a lot of people in different ways if we attend the reception.

You sound stressed, your ds is going to be stressed. I’m sure an awful vomiting bug could strike you the night before the wedding. DH could message your apologies.

I'd go alone, sit with your parents and make excuses why you have to leave after eating. Or just go to the ceremony.

@Mamma26252

I would definitely speak to your brother. If your DS is the only child invited then it's essentially a child free wedding but they have made an exception for you.

In my opinion, that is unlikely to mean they will be upset or offended if you decide not to bring your DS on the basis that it won't be a suitable environment for him. They probably just feel it wouldn't be right not to invite him.

I'd say something like, "I really appreciate the sentiment of inviting DS to your wedding when it is otherwise child free. I'm just not sure he will be able to handle all the stimulation, and I'm worried about the prospect of him having a meltdown at a formal dinner surrounded by unfamiliar adults. In order to keep him calm I'd have to let him use his tablet, but because of his sensory issues he won't wear earphones, and I doubt the other guests will be thrilled about having to listen to whatever he is watching. How would you feel if I just came on my own?"

No, don't do this!!

No shows at a wedding are the worst! Don't make the bride and groom pay for dinners you aren't going to eat and have empty spaces at tables.

Thanks, this is also really helpful.

Yes agree, definitely not doing this.

Just mean to add that I don't want DB's wedding to be the event that instigates a big ruction between my parents and my family. I don't think it's likely to happen with how things are now, but a stressful family event like this could trigger a big fallout.

Personally I think you should call your brother and have a chat with him.

tell him how happy you are for him and you want his big day to go as well as possible and very much want to see him exchanging vows but also be honest about how much you are worrying explaining the circumstances and saying you don’t want his day to be ruined especially as you know your parents will be unhappy with ds etc and ask his advice about how he would like you to handle the situation or if it would be easier for him to not have everyone attend certain elements etc.

tell him this is your day and I love you so I want things to work for you both on your day.

I have a son with Sen sounds similar to your little one, personally I'd have a chat with your brother maybe you could have a really informal dinner somewhere or at home and have a few pictures to mark the occasion. At the end of the day some things are too tough to try and navigate and cause stress all round, I would totally understand if someone couldn't attend but I do navigate a child with Sen daily so totally get it.

Ok, don’t do what I suggested.
In your place I wouldn’t go as it sounds way too stressful but that’s just me.
Hope you can find a solution.

Yep, definitely talk to your brother. Show how much you appreciate him being inclusive of your son (that really is decent of them considering that it's otherwise a chld-free event) and stress that you really want to be there. But he needs to know how your son's issues might impact on the event and on the other guests.

I suspect that going to both the ceremony and the reception on your own is likely to be best, sad though it might be.

I think @MissScarletInTheBallroom 's conversation suggestion is perfect.

He will be trying to turn the iPad volume up. We tried a much smaller thing this week with iPad no volume, and it was awful. But we have no strategies for him to be quiet that work!

Without an iPad he will be up and down, running around the room, under the table, stimming loudly, or he will leave the room and miss the meal completely to get away from the noise.

I hate speaking about him so negatively, but it's really hard to make demands on him to be quiet or be still - it just makes it worse. Screens only partly help.

Go on your own. It's your brother and even if you're not close I think it would very hurtful not to go. You can't take your DS is he would be watching something on a tablet without headphones. Not ok at all.

Thanks all for the suggestions. It's definitely helping me to clarify how I'm going to approach DB.

Your title and most of the OP (with you being ND blah blah) made it sound like you didn't want to go at all - except for your last line.
Now that you've clarified you're happy to go alone. That's definitely what you should do!

If your brother isn't close to you why would he care about your DH and son being there? He's probably invited all of you to be polite but not because it's a big deal ifyswim.