To not go to sibling reception?

[Mamma26252]

DB is getting married next year. We're friendly but not close. I'm very pleased for him, like his fiancee and everything.

Myself, DH and DS6 are all invited. It's a few hours travel away. DS has SEN and is very high needs, definitely can't cope with the ceremony, is loud and chatty, and would ruin it for everyone. So DH will keep DS occupied elsewhere. Then they will try to join us for family photos.

For the reception, I think it's going to be no children apart from DS. DS might be able to cope while he's eating. But I think three courses will be challenging unless he's on his tablet. He can't cope with noise, music and lots of people chatting, but he can't wear ear defenders. He might manage a quick meal and then best to go.

On top of that I suspect I'm ND. I hate large social occasions - I'm super anxious, I can put on a face and have a reasonable time, but at the end I'm exhausted and I don't think it's worth it.

Also we have very little family - just our immediate family. I was also very low contact with my parents - we are trying to make an effort now for DS but it's awkward. After a huge bust up last year, I've vowed never to be on my own with them again - they can't help but criticise me, and under the influence of alcohol I feel like it's going to happen. DB also has tons of friends from school, uni, work, all flying in, and the reception will be full of them. So basically I won't know anyone apart from my parents.

AIBU to ask DB that DH, DS and I not to attend the reception - DS would be our excuse - with traveling, photos etc. I feel like it's a waste of money for DB to include us and I would be much happier just attending the ceremony on my own to see him get married.

Is it possible to get him used to wearing headphones?

He might want to wear them when he is older to block out noise.

By the way your ds is part of this family too and I’m really sorry you’re feeling that he’s a problem to be managed. He isn’t he is your son

this shouldn’t be an issue but reading between the lines your brother seems to genuinely want him and your family there. Your parents should be better but I know that isn’t something in your control.

I think you shouod all go, if it gets too much, you sit in a different room with that iPad until things calm down (or not). At my nieces wedding there was a whole ND room, so many of the family have ASD / ADHD.
I understand why you are Catastrophic thinking, but what if none of those things happened, and you had a nice day ? Or some of those thing happened and you still had a nice day.

and I don't think it's worth it

Not going to your brother's full wedding (both parts) - however you approach it, however you frame it or whatever reasons you give- the bottom line is that THIS is the message it sends. You even said it yourself.

I could certainly understand it if a sibling wanted to not bring their ND dc to the ceremony. I could understand if the dc had to be allowed headphones and ipad to attend the meal. I'd be disappointed but understanding if my sibling had to leave the reception early.

Not coming to my wedding or reception at all, unless there was an absolute emergency or reason that it made it impossible...well, I wouldn't kick up a fuss as it's their decision. But it would be relationship ending for me.

I'd love to see him get married. I don't really want to go to the reception but I'm willing to make an effort as I don't want to hurt him (but I don't know if he would be. 🤷‍♀️ ) I'm not comfortable around my parents or making small talk with people I've never met but I can do it. I'm just feeling very conscious that I'll feeling alone.

OP - this sounds like one of those posts where you ask a question then come back with an answer to everyone to doesn’t give you the response you want. So why not just do what you want to do? You don’t need validation from posters on mumsnet to do that.

FWIW - I would make as much effort as I could to attend the day and the reception, in much the same way as I would hope my family would for me. But I don’t think that’s what you want to hear.

I voted YANBU. I would talk to your brother explain your concerns and say you don’t want to ruin his day and you don’t want him to waste money. Talk it out, if he says he really wants you there and would be hurt if you are not then go. If he couldn’t give a hoot as you are not close then you should go the ceremony and see him get married and go home.

I don't feel that way about my son - we make a lot of accommodations for him all the time, happily because I just want him to be happy and safe and comfortable. I want the people around him to understand and accept this too.

In any kind of occasion we'd be making demands on him that he can't cope with - I haven't figured out playdates and birthday parties either. Normally I'd avoid those occasions completely but this is a bit different. We're having to consider DB, his fiancee, her family, all their friends.

I think, as long as you attend both parts you've done your duty. It's not about you feeling alone ,it's about doing it because you love your brother. And it's once in a lifetime! Of course he might get divorced and remarry etc but you don't have to make an effort for a second wedding.

Your brother knowing that you don't know anybody would be extremely selfish to have any opinion on you leaving early, unless he's going to spend a lot of time with you. ND or not making small talk with people you don't know sucks.

Sit through the ceremony, eat some food, then make your excuses

*Tagged can't delete

@Ginkypig

I guess I'm used to catastrophic thinking because I have to do it all the time. I plan a lot for us to do nice things together, and it helps a LOT to plan every detail, to think though every scenario, so that we're prepared. It's a nice surprise when things come together and we have a nice time, but often something goes wrong and the option is a meltdown or go home early. 95% of the time we head off early to head off any dysregulation.

If your DS won’t wear headphones and it’s not an option for him to get used to them (which might help further down the line anyway) then it’s probably best for you just to grit your teeth and go to the ceremony and reception alone. Even the most difficult situations have an end in sight and you’ll have done your bit - you might even enjoy it if you’re able to relax not worrying about DS.

Well it's helping me think it through. I actually made the thread not wanting to go to the reception at all. But the advice has changed my mind to make an effort and go, probably on my own. It won't be enjoyable but it will be less stressful.

Just lay out the potential options for your DB, with their pros and cons, and let him decide. So long as the option aren't detrimental to your DS.

They can't say you've not made the effort if you do this and you know it's an option they've endorsed knowing all the facts.

I assume that wasn’t to me?

it wasn’t my post you quoted

No I tagged by accident and i can't delete

Talk to your brother. If you were my sister I would be fine with you just doing the ceremony and photos and then leaving.

No of course I don’t mean you feel that about him! Just that you’re family and the situation is putting you in a situation that is making you think about it from their perspective. Of course you want him to be happy and be part of events too! He deserves that.

Figuring thing out will come with time and practice.
i can’t really give you advice on how. Iv not got the experience to be able to be helpful.

im really sorry I wasn’t clearer @Mamma26252 i honestly didn’t mean it the way you read it! In fact it was the opposite I meant. I was just upset for you being put in that position when really this is your family and your ds and husband are part of this family too. it shouldn’t be something you have to worry about because there should be understanding that his needs are different from most and that means there might have to be a bit of flexibility to accommodate you as a family to attend.

Thanks for clarifying! I thought my posts had been clumsily worded, but I'm glad I'm not giving that impression after all.

This.

While not wanting to disrupt someone wedding is a consideration, I think the bigger issue here is that the OP simply doesn't want to go.
She hasn't even asked her brother for flexibility - it would be the easiest thing in the world to have a separate room her DH could take son to.
Some things are acceptable like him chatting to people etc but running around stimming would be very dangerous if hot food is being served.

The OP just doesn't want to do it. She doesn't want to make small talk with all these people she doesn't know while her DH takes her son elsewhere. She doesn't want to deal with her parents .In fact, her son being there might prevent her from leaving early.

Loud noisy environments with lots of people can be hell for ND people and OP thinks that she is. I don't blame her for wanting to do the bare minimum. 'including' her son is not the priority here.

Unless I've misread this..

We're trying to work on it. He has lots of sensory difficulties that make anything over his ears challenging. Can't guarantee things will be improved next year. I agree that it would help massively.

Can you not just ask your brother?

This wot @AveAtqueVale said

how reasonable it is go make this kind of request.

It's not really a request. It's you who know your DS best working with the groom/ tryout mother to work out what's best to do.

I would try and see what happens, he might find it all fascinating and be good, if he starts to play up DH takes him outside, if he won't settle and it becomes a real problem you apologise and all leave. You can forewarn your DB that you are worried DS won't run the course, and you might have to leave early, but you'll stay as long as you can without disrupting the reception.

Option 3 - you are still fulfilling your duty as a sister and your brother doesn’t get his wedding reception ruined.

I mean both options are bad in different ways.

Another room is great in theory, but he may not want to stay there for 2-3h. He may have a meltdown in it anyway and I don't want him to go through that if we can help it. The worst thing is not scenarios that we know are likely to happen because we can plan for those, but the ones that we can't predict and have no plan for.

I forgot to mention that we did tell DB early on that DS was unlikely to sit through the ceremony, and he totally understood. So maybe if DH/DB or all of us don't attend reception then he will understand that too.

I haven't asked DB for flexibility yet because I've only just been thinking through what a reception would entail. The advice hear has been super useful.