To not go to sibling reception?

[Mamma26252]

DB is getting married next year. We're friendly but not close. I'm very pleased for him, like his fiancee and everything.

Myself, DH and DS6 are all invited. It's a few hours travel away. DS has SEN and is very high needs, definitely can't cope with the ceremony, is loud and chatty, and would ruin it for everyone. So DH will keep DS occupied elsewhere. Then they will try to join us for family photos.

For the reception, I think it's going to be no children apart from DS. DS might be able to cope while he's eating. But I think three courses will be challenging unless he's on his tablet. He can't cope with noise, music and lots of people chatting, but he can't wear ear defenders. He might manage a quick meal and then best to go.

On top of that I suspect I'm ND. I hate large social occasions - I'm super anxious, I can put on a face and have a reasonable time, but at the end I'm exhausted and I don't think it's worth it.

Also we have very little family - just our immediate family. I was also very low contact with my parents - we are trying to make an effort now for DS but it's awkward. After a huge bust up last year, I've vowed never to be on my own with them again - they can't help but criticise me, and under the influence of alcohol I feel like it's going to happen. DB also has tons of friends from school, uni, work, all flying in, and the reception will be full of them. So basically I won't know anyone apart from my parents.

AIBU to ask DB that DH, DS and I not to attend the reception - DS would be our excuse - with traveling, photos etc. I feel like it's a waste of money for DB to include us and I would be much happier just attending the ceremony on my own to see him get married.

OP, I think you're getting a really hard time here. I wonder if the people commenting haven't experienced strained family relations...

I think it would be good to speak to your brother and explain your concerns as you have here. If you're making an effort to go to the ceremony, I don't see why he would be hurt that that you're trying to accommodate that into an already full on life, especially as you're not close to him.

(The reception sounds like a nightmare to me, too)

It's your brother, let your dh take ds in and out as necessary

You are building relationships for your ds future is way id think of it tbh

DH has this kind of attitude - let's see what happens, it could all be fine. It often isn't.

DS may look like he's fine on the outside but if he's not, meltdown VERY quickly. And he doesn't always try to leave the thing that's causing him stress. So nightmare scenario is he's dysregulated, but refusing to leave, and he has a meltdown while DH is carrying him out. This has happened before.

Building family relationships is important to me, because we have so little family. I'm trying in other ways though - we try to visit them (parents and DB together) frequently. But they don't make a very big effort with DS - they're nice to him but it's all very superficial
He has a particular way of communicating, and you have to make the effort and they just don't. I don't think the wedding will strengthen any relationships, but I am conscious of not wanting to break them either.

See the thing is OP, if you're worried that he could meltdown at something you can't predict. There's no accomodation that anybody in the world could make for this. It's better to just go alone

I think a lot of PP are thinking about your child being included but the truth is, every ND child is different. Some can be managed more easily, with clear triggers. Some cannot. As much as everyone insists on inclusion some kids' needs are just too high.

Talk of building relationships is just rubbish - attending one wedding isn't going to make you pals with anybody. You don't mention any other family going, only your parents . Whom you already have a fractious relationship with.

How is your son going to benefit from going?

I think you should go without DH and DS. It sounds potentially a very stressful situation for your DS. Celebrate your brother's marriage on another occasion with your families.

Could you ask your DB if you could bring a friend as a plus one, if your DH isn't going? A barrier between you and your parents and someone to give some support at the reception?

This.

I am ND and find many aspects of wedding receptions extremely stressful. This is your brother, you need to attend at least the core events of the wedding. You are not required to dance the night away. I aim to make sure I am present for at least couples first dance and the cake cutting, whatever order those happen in.

your husband and child are optional. It would be great if they could attend some of the day, but not if it increases your anxiety so much you can’t make it through the day.

I would attend the ceremony alone only and send as generous a present as you can manage and write a heartfelt card. Also explain to your brother that you're delighted for him and are very touched by the invitation to your ds despite it being no kids. But that unfortunately despite you and dh thinking through every option your ds will not be able to cope with any part of it. You hope he understands and you can't wait to watch him marry his lovely bride. It's all in the wording, actually write a lovely handwritten letter and send it along with the present and card. So the rest of your family can't lie and say that you don't care.

You need to find headphones that he finds comfortable. I went through 5 or 6 pairs before I found a set that ND dd actually like and would use without complaint. It was a very expensive exercise because I wasn’t just buying random cheap pairs, I was researching the best sets for ND children.

once you find something it makes a huge difference for being able to go on outings. Absolutely worth the time and effort.

and she did outgrow the need to take the tablet everywhere. She is so much better at dealing with the world than i will ever be. For most nd children it is a temporary tool. It lets families be in the world with their children as much as possible. Having that immediate safety valve means your child is out there in the world learning to deal with the anxiety that we as adults never got over and still struggle with. But you definitely need headphones so you can use it in all circumstances.

This is all true. DS does not benefit from going as it'll be stressful and he'll upset people which may cause him more stress.

I'm leaning towards all of us staying in a nice hotel nearby, I'll go to both parts of the wedding, DH and DS go and have a nice day in the hotel or do something fun nearby.

That's a lovely idea.

OP, would your DS be able to wear this type of bone conduction headphones? They don't cover your ears

Hanmer Bone Conduction Headphones,Open-Ear Bluetooth Wireless Sport Headphones,Waterproof Wireless Headphones with Built-in Mic for Sports,Workout, Running, Hiking, Cycling amzn.eu/d/5t5VxVH

Your parents will feel humiliated? That says a lot about them, doesn't it?

I have 3 brothers and between the 3 there's been 6 weddings. I've been to 2.

I like my brothers but we've never been best mates and so I'm not surprised that I have never been asked to be part of the wedding party (so never brides maid etc). And I think the 2 weddings I did attend it was only because I was living nearby when the weddings happened. Actually don't know that I even had an invite to at least 3 of them. I think they would have been fine if I'd shown up (with prior notice of course) but it was never an issue that I wasn't there.

So basically there's nothing to say you have to attend. If you do get an invite don't be afraid to say no. Give your reasons if you want but just because you are related doesn't mean you have to go.

I think @Neveralonewithaclone ’s suggestion is a good one. A lovely letter, maybe get a hand made card for it to go in. Get your dh to sign it separately too. Could your ds write/create or make a card/video message too? Generous gift. Dh and I got b married alone abroad and in the morning, we woke up to a champagne breakfast from dbro and flowers from my parents. It was so lovely.

Until I read @Neveralonewithaclone ’s message, I was thinking that you should def go without dh and ds to wedding, but maybe take another plus one if being on your own is too much. But actually, I think @Neveralonewithaclone ’s suggestion is best.

I also disagree with posters who say dh and ds come and stay locally while you go to wedding alone. Just go yourself and then come back. Keep it simple and show how much you care in other ways. I think a phone call to your brother is a good idea just to explain.

You should go to the ceremony by yourself. That's a definite.

But then I'm not sure. Is there a drinks reception between ceremony and meal that the 3 of you could attend? Maybe if people are milling around then ds sat in a corner with his ipad will be less noticeable or disruptive.

Then don't go to the formal meal but go along to watch the first dance or whatever?

Or is that just too complicated?

Oh interesting idea! DH uses these but I never thought of it for DS.

He will try headphones and ear defenders for a little bit, but he'd rather go without and they never last long. But it's worth a try, thanks.

Yep. Ashamed and humiliated.

In private they are kind to him which is why we're keeping some kind of contact. It's awful, but they are all the family we have.

I wonder whether most people answering are not aware of the ND world or have any additional needs.

You have to do what you think is best for your little family.

I have been in your position and tried doing family gatherings but they were always so traumatic that I know we were ruining the event for them as well as making our (already difficult) lives worst.

We no longer attend these events. We are still invited but our extended family understand and appreciate our position. They invite us, we send a present and wish them well.

I’d go with option 3. You’ll feel more relaxed. Find the friendliest looking people at the party and try to have a good time.

I do think you need to go.

Option 3. You go to the ceremony and reception alone. Let DH look after your DC

Agree. I have a dd with LD and over the years have had some really hard times dealing with her at family events etc. She's hyperactive and non verbal and doesn't understand how to behave and when she needs to be quiet or sit still.
I was forever wrestling to keep her seated. The last few weddings I haven't taken her. Family have commented she has a right to be there but, as I've pointed out,
she gets nothing out of it, doesn't enjoy being "managed" hates it in fact, so why would I force her into these situations over and over? And end the evening myself being a sweaty stressy wreck.

Nope. Not doing it any more.

I wonder whether most people answering are not aware of the ND world or have any additional needs

That was exactly my thought. As you say, as parents we know best how to deal with our difficulties. People, even family, have absolutely no idea how draining it can be dealing with difficult behaviour, even just anticipating it.

And for what? The child (in my case adult child) isn't even enjoying it!
So why would we force it upon them?

And I say difficult behaviour, not necessarily bad behaviour. Just the result of the person with LD not really understanding what's going on.