To not go to sibling reception?

[Mamma26252]

DB is getting married next year. We're friendly but not close. I'm very pleased for him, like his fiancee and everything.

Myself, DH and DS6 are all invited. It's a few hours travel away. DS has SEN and is very high needs, definitely can't cope with the ceremony, is loud and chatty, and would ruin it for everyone. So DH will keep DS occupied elsewhere. Then they will try to join us for family photos.

For the reception, I think it's going to be no children apart from DS. DS might be able to cope while he's eating. But I think three courses will be challenging unless he's on his tablet. He can't cope with noise, music and lots of people chatting, but he can't wear ear defenders. He might manage a quick meal and then best to go.

On top of that I suspect I'm ND. I hate large social occasions - I'm super anxious, I can put on a face and have a reasonable time, but at the end I'm exhausted and I don't think it's worth it.

Also we have very little family - just our immediate family. I was also very low contact with my parents - we are trying to make an effort now for DS but it's awkward. After a huge bust up last year, I've vowed never to be on my own with them again - they can't help but criticise me, and under the influence of alcohol I feel like it's going to happen. DB also has tons of friends from school, uni, work, all flying in, and the reception will be full of them. So basically I won't know anyone apart from my parents.

AIBU to ask DB that DH, DS and I not to attend the reception - DS would be our excuse - with traveling, photos etc. I feel like it's a waste of money for DB to include us and I would be much happier just attending the ceremony on my own to see him get married.

Why can't he wear his ear defenders?

Just talk to your brother, present the options and say you respect his wishes as it's his wedding and you really don't mind your husband and ds not going. In a way you going on your own might be the least stressful option.

We have a parallel dilemma though it's dsd and our wedding - she is coming and i couldn't care less if she needs her tablet and refuses to be a bridesmaid. Her carer is coming too though, so a bit easier for us

Of course he can be on his tablet, the issue is it playing it loud; I understood from the above that the DS is unable to use/wear headphones.

I'm currently teaching my DC with autism how to use headphones as planning to go on a plane next year, but don't think other passengers will be amused at 6 hours of Cocomelon blaring out at them!

Would people really be pissed off about a special needs child using a device so the could be somewhat included in a family event??

I'm guessing the ds either can't or won't wear headphones. My dd wouldn't tolerate them.

Yes he can't tolerate them. His needs are complex.

Go alone or could you take a female friend as your plus one? Whilst DH looks after DS at home?

WHY does the OP need to go?

They're family. So what?

She likes her brother and his fiancée but they don't have a close relationship - they barely speak so clearly don't see each other much
Her parents are unkind.

The wedding will be full of friends so I bet the B&G won't really miss them

I'd send a lovely card and gift and stay at home

And not feel any guilt

Without headphones yes. So then he shouldn’t go.

OP, I’d go with option 1, or if it’s iPad without headphones then DH and DS stay at home.

there is also the option of not going at all in which case that maybe isn’t a problem for you if you’re not that close to DB or parents?

Hmm I think I'd skip it tbh OP.

I recently attended a family wedding and my 8 year old relative (who is ND) was shouting through the speeches, screaming, trying to grab the mic etc etc. Plus rocking and just generally taking all the attention off the B&G.

Obviously I love him but I don't think he was happy at all and I could see his parents cringing and also worried about his wellbeing. They took him outside in the end and missed the meal as a result.

It's all fine for pp to say that this is discriminatory but this child, IMO, should not have been there. For his own sake as much as others!

Op I've voted YABU but because I'm in almost the exact same situation. Dsis wedding in July but the 3 of us are going all day and we will find a way to manage. You'll be ok, you're well prepared for situations like this. Enjoy yourselves x

If my wedding was causing someone distress and anxiety, I'd be totally fine with them not coming. They don't need to put themselves through it for me!

Is it very important to you to see your db get married or are you doing it for him? I completely agree with pp that your ds will get nothing from the wedding, except stress. Here's an idea - if you think about all the money you will save on clothes, travel, accommodation perhaps you could offer to pay for something like the cake? Or flowers? I don't know what wedding cakes and flowers cost these days? Maybe not 🤷🏼‍♂️ but it might be nice for your brother to be able to say and think my sister couldn't come but she paid for our wedding cake/flowers.

Could you ask for a plus one instead of DH and DS and that would help you feel
less alone?

Another vote for going on your own. Be in the picture- the photographer usually gets photo's with brides family and grooms family; it would be good for you to be in those. Give your brother a big hug while the night is early. From what you have said, he will be looking to spent time with those who have flown in specially, so that means you could slip away relatively early.

Maybe you could get your child you do a little picture in a card- you could write 'to aunty xxx and uncle xxx, have a lovely day, love from xxxxx' with a little picture from your son. Pop this in with the gift- acknowledging that they did invite him to be part of their day.

How about this as approach?

”DB - I can’t tell you how touched I am that you’ve tried so hard to include DS. I know that you and SIL to be would make him feel really welcome. But, as you know, his needs are complex. We really don’t want to mar your day in any way (or that of any of your guests, many of whom have travelled a long way). And - to be completely honest - from a selfish point of view, I think it would be far less stressful and more enjoyable for me just to come and see you get married at the venue. Would that be okay with you? I know that means we won’t spend part of your special day with you, but perhaps you and SIL-to-be could come for lunch/dinner/weekend afterwards and we could have our own celebration (which DS would love and would cope with a lot better). I do hope you understand - lots of love etc.

That's another lovely idea, thanks!

Don't ask your brother if it's ok with him as he will say that your son will be accomodated and you'll be back at square one. Decide what is doable and tell him (very very nicely and carefully) your plan

I understand your concerns OP - it's so so hard. It sounds like your brother is absolutely accepting of your son's needs though and not ashamed or embarrassed in any way. Which is lovely to be honest, when you think of the amount of wedding threads on here that are the opposite!

However that doesn't help you. You and your DH will be the ones managing this situation. You've had loads of lovely ideas on here so I agree you must attend in some capacity. But just be open and honest with your DB no matter what you decide

If I was your brother I would really appreciate you making the effort to come to the ceremony by yourself to see me get married. That’s the most important part of a wedding. Would you hang around so you are included in the group photos? That might be important to him.

During the rest of the day he’ll have hardly any time to speak to you and probably won’t notice your absence. I don’t mean that badly, he’ll just be caught up with what is happening.

The only reason I could imagine someone taking offence would be if they didn’t appreciate your son’s needs. That would be on them.

I think you should go. You go to the church, the 3 of you go for the meal and leave as soon as your son finds it too much. If you don’t attend your parents will never let you forget it.

I think it would be wise for all of you to go but perhaps for your DH to be on standby to take your DS out of the reception to sit with him if it gets too much for your DS - maybe during the speeches? I think your brother would be very sad if you didn't show up. Conversely I think it would mean a lot to him to have his sister and her family at his wedding. If you're staying nearby your DH could always take him back to the place you're staying at before you leave?

@AllyArty OP’s parents don’t sound very nice so I don’t think OP should be considering what they think.

@dcthatsme would you be happy to sit through a meal listening to a child’s I-pad as that is the only way he could cope with the reception

You can’t preempt a year away, your child will have changed in that time. Perhaps not able to cope any better than he can now but you just don’t know.
I think you do whatever you have to and if that means leaving child at home with DH or at the hotel then so be it

I think you need to re look at this in 6-9months time but keep communication open with your brother (who will be upset that you’re not there so I’d do everything in my power to be there throughout) about his nephew and his needs

I was in a similar situation for my sister's wedding. 2x ND children who would struggle. Initially I was trying to work out how we would all go to at least part of it as I think that was the expectation. However I went to the whole thing on my own in the end. It was fine. It was important for me to attend but it wouldn't have been fair on my children and I would have been very stressed if they'd been there.

I missed My dbro wedding. It was 1000s of miles away, dd would have missed the last week of primary.
I have no idea why it never occurred to me to just go on my own.
I regret it hugely.
Just go.