To not go to sibling reception?

[Mamma26252]

DB is getting married next year. We're friendly but not close. I'm very pleased for him, like his fiancee and everything.

Myself, DH and DS6 are all invited. It's a few hours travel away. DS has SEN and is very high needs, definitely can't cope with the ceremony, is loud and chatty, and would ruin it for everyone. So DH will keep DS occupied elsewhere. Then they will try to join us for family photos.

For the reception, I think it's going to be no children apart from DS. DS might be able to cope while he's eating. But I think three courses will be challenging unless he's on his tablet. He can't cope with noise, music and lots of people chatting, but he can't wear ear defenders. He might manage a quick meal and then best to go.

On top of that I suspect I'm ND. I hate large social occasions - I'm super anxious, I can put on a face and have a reasonable time, but at the end I'm exhausted and I don't think it's worth it.

Also we have very little family - just our immediate family. I was also very low contact with my parents - we are trying to make an effort now for DS but it's awkward. After a huge bust up last year, I've vowed never to be on my own with them again - they can't help but criticise me, and under the influence of alcohol I feel like it's going to happen. DB also has tons of friends from school, uni, work, all flying in, and the reception will be full of them. So basically I won't know anyone apart from my parents.

AIBU to ask DB that DH, DS and I not to attend the reception - DS would be our excuse - with traveling, photos etc. I feel like it's a waste of money for DB to include us and I would be much happier just attending the ceremony on my own to see him get married.

Option 3. Explain to your DB that you want the focus to be on him and his DW and are concerned that your DS would disrupt the ceremony/meal/speeches etc. ask if he’d like your DH and DS to join for photos

Sod your parents, your son is who he is and isn't something they can hide away. If i was you I'd go with your husband and son and if it becomes too much for him then your husband can leave with him for a bit. But you should stay a bit.

Your parents make me mad, SEN children are not an embarrassment and keeping them hidden can make them more insecure.

It's so tricky. Only you know your DS's needs and capabilities, so you do need a proper chat with your DB.

How old is DS?

DH was best man at his friend's wedding when DS (ASD, ADHD, probably aged about 6) was invited along with his twin sister and me. DS had been clean for a couple of years, but messed himself during the church service, so that wasn't a great start. Then we went to the reception which was in a marquee in a field. DS refused to come in or eat anything, so he sat in the car (probably with his ipad) while we had the meal and speeches. I nipped out to check on him every 20 minutes or so, he was fine but was not coming in. I left DD with her Dad and took DS home as soon as the speeches were over. But it was easy as we were all local.

FWIW he is now 16 and would be an asset to any social event. He tries really hard to talk to people, he gets up on the dance floor, he really deserves a good social life going forwards.....

If you can at least try to get your DS to the event then do - but if (like mine, back then) it's not going to work then please talk to your brother and find a solution that everyone is happy with. There is no point setting yourselves all up to fail if it really is not going to work!

I can understand your feelings but I really do think you need to attend. I'd suggest all three of you attend the reception initially and after the meal your dh excuses himself to put your ds to bed and sit with him leaving you at the reception.

I would speak to your DB and explain to avoid all the stress attend on your own the ceremony and perhaps the meal if you can. Good luck.

At the very least option one

Def option 2.
It is once. He is your brother.
Everyone knows that small children are noisy and fidgety. I do not know ANY 6 year old boys who aren't (I ran Beaver Scout and taught reading in Year 1, so I do know what I am talking about) If he has been invited, and you very kindly want a smooth ceremony then DH is happy to let you go alone.

Yes any 6 year old will need feeding, will probably receive many "isn't he cutes" from the non-parents if he runs around/gets loud. It is a party after all.
You can tell him he has to eat and then you can go home - this is bribery but why not?
You are not close - well he felt you should come, so he thinks otherwise.

If I were your sibling, I would feel absolutely distraught that you were considering putting yourself and your family in such a difficult situation for me. I honestly couldn't think of anything worse than making my nephew overwhelmed and dysregulated for the sake of my wedding reception. It's so nice of you to try to make it work but it seems like having your son there will be a lot for him to handle. Surely if you brother cared about you and your son, he wouldn't want that either. I am sorry your parents are so awful about the whole thing, how could they feel ashamed or embarassed.
I would have an honest chat with your brother, give him the options you are considering and see what he prefers. I am not sure if the tablet without headphones is a fair option though. As parents we are used to blocking out the tablet sound during dinner at home etc, but it would drive me nuts if I were at a wedding or dinner and a child had the volume on, I would find it really distracting. I don't think that's fair to others at your table.

I hope you can come up with a solution that works for all of you and you get to enjoy the wedding.

I agree with you @stephfennell. Why would anyone want a young relative to be distressed at a meal, for what is essentially a big party. They are not even seeing the couple get married. The reception can be torturous for the best of, and three course meals and speeches are not usually very child friendly, and that’s before you bring special needs into the equation.

You could always offer bro the 3 options and see what he'd prefer.

I didn't think my DB would attend my wedding as we weren't very close although happily reliable. He did but passed away suddenly and unexpectedly a few months later. I'm so happy he attended our wedding, it gave me some comfort after his death. My advice for non repeatable family events, has always been, if you can, go in whatever format you can make it work, even if its a bit of an effort. You can never go back and repeat it or repair damage of non attendance.

I agree. Don’t do this! It is rude and unnecessary.

I would go to the ceremony alone and all three to the reception. I would try to stay as long as I can. The fear you feel is totally understandable. But it might just be fine in the end.

If your son needs time out, take him for a walk. Can you book a room at the venue? He can have time out in the room and/or leave early to sleep. But I think you should be there for your brother. People will be understanding and after a few drinks, they'll be busy on the dancefloor.

Good luck.

Option 3 seems the FAR easiest.

You go to the whole thing alone. Even if you're not super close to your brother, I think he'd be sad if you weren't there.
It doesn't sound like your DS would handle any part of it very well, so why bother?

As for your parents... It's a couple of hours, for the sake of your brother. Grin and bare it.

This. All of it.

ND here (ASD with ADHD), with ND kids (now adults)

Your brother sounds lovely, OP. Your parents - not so much. If you go alone, I'd ask your DB if you can take a plus one for support.

Oh, and anyone who thinks a ND child listening to a tablet is unacceptable at a wedding? Shame on you. Weddings are supposed to be about community, love, family, and togetherness. Not a picture-perfect video opportunity to show off on Instagram.

The thing is... yes, it's a family wedding. But the OP's family is very small, so in reality it is going to be a party for the bride and groom's friends, with family also present.

If the OP's DS goes, he will be the only child there. So it's not like it is an opportunity for him to spend time with his cousins. In a best case scenario, he'll most likely be bored, because it's not a kid friendly event. In a worst case scenario, he'll be anxious, overstimulated, and have a meltdown. The chances of him actually enjoying the reception seem fairly minimal.

And yes, people who have spent a lot of time and effort and money to attend a wedding, and a childfree wedding at that, are going to be annoyed about having to spend the entire evening listening to cartoons on an iPad because there is a child present who can't use earphones. Doubly so if they have children themselves and have arranged a babysitter because their children weren't invited and/or they were looking forward to a child free evening for once.

The OP and her husband will be on edge wondering whether their DS is going to cope. The OP's parents will be on edge and also unhelpful. The bride and groom will be so busy trying to get round all their guests that they are unlikely to spend more than a few minutes with the OP's DS.

So who does his presence at the wedding reception actually benefit?

It's not for his benefit. It's not for his parents' benefit. It's not for the bride and groom's benefit. And it's not for his grandparents' benefit.

As long as the device is quiet, I'd have no problem with it. Volume needs to be off or headphones used though.

And yes, I have SEN kids who use devices at tables when necessary. A phone with sound off so it imposes on no-one else's experience or time.

In this case, I would go on your own. It sounds like trying to manage your son's needs is setting yourself and him up to fail, and that's not fair on him or you. It doesn't sound like this is something your son is going to cope well with and will stress him.

I suggest you go alone, enjoy a break from caring and have some extended family time. Your brother's wedding shouldn't be so stressful for you all.

One of my friends has a son with ASD and he is now in his mid teens. When he was your son's age bringing him to a wedding would have been the same. My friend would have attended weddings on her own or with a friend and left her son with his father.
As she said it would not be fair on brining him into this type of situation because he would be come over stimulated and she did not to ruin the couple in question wedding.

I would ask your brother could you attend the wedding with a friend of yours. Tell him that you appreciate him asking you all to his wedding but it would be to much for your child at the moment but that you like to attend the wedding with a friend as your partner will be staying at home with your child. I think that your brother would like you their and it would give you something to look forward to as well.

You mentioned here that you have no one at the moment to look after your son. I think you need to find a person that can mind your son even for a few hours to give you and his father a break. Is there a college or university near you that do courses in children care, social care, teaching, Montessori teaching or nursing? Often these course cover dealing with ASD children and the students can have work experience in dealing with children like your son.
A lot of these students like to get more experience and some money to look after children.
My friend contacted one of the above and found a 20 year old that lived close by. This lady had some experience with ASD children and she asked her to call to her house. When this girl met her son she just clicked with him because she knew what to do and say.
She called to the house a few times and spent longer each time she was their with my friends son when my friend was their.
My friend decided one day she was going to leave her with her son for 2 hour's when she went to the local town. She said to her son x is going to mind you and you will do a,b,c.
Mammy will be back at 5.00 and it now 3 o'clock and showed what time she be home on clock to teach time. Her son wanted to know if he would get some treats he liked.
He was happy to stay with this lady. My friend said this lady was great with her son and it helped her so much in being able to have a few free hours on occasion.

I know at times it's not easy having an ASD child and for your own sake you need to get the odd day off or a few hours of a break from caring for him. This does not make you a bad mother. The truth is that unless you look after yourself you could end up with poor physical or mental health.

The posters suggesting you should all go and stay for the duration are the ones being unreasonable and obviously don't have a child with needs like yours OP.

It's so easy to call judgement on lives you have zero understanding of. All of you saying she, her DH should go for the duration of the wedding and reception clearly live in a world very different to the OPs.

Absolutely go alone OP and leave when you feel it's reasonable and not rude to do so xxx

What @AveAtqueVale said

Let brother make the decision, that way there's no awkearsneas/guilt/anxiety for you.

@Andthereyougo this is terrible advice and totally unfair on bride and groom