Partner threw table and chair

[helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo]

Please help. In the context of an argument all morning about how my partner doesn't help as much as I need around the house and how I feel like I'm drowning, he has just picked up a dining chair and thrown it across the room and tipped the dining table over breaking my stuff and terrifying our small child. He's upstairs telling me to go away and leave him alone and it's my fault because I "kept going on at him".

Was this my fault? I'll admit I've been emotional and stressed lately and picking up on a lot of stuff he's not doing that I need his support with, did I drive him to this?? I don't know what to do I'm so scared

@helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo

I don’t think anyone is trying to justify his behavior, people are sharing their own experiences.

Acting normal and as if nothing has happened is concerning (the opposite of my own experience).

As others have suggested, is there anyone you could stay with tonight?

Please ignore the posters making excuses for him @helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo . It is common on Mumsnet, even on threads that involve dv. Pay no attention.
You did not deserve it. You do not deserve to be left to carry the household. You deserve so much more. Your dd too. I hope you can see that and i hope you can leave.

Police will help and will place you at a womens refuge if you have nowhere to go you can also call womens aid they are 24/7 and they can help you.

You are absolutely right - nothing you have done justifies him throwing furniture at you. That is on him and him alone. I'm glad, in a way, you are feeling the anger with some posters - it shows that you know it's unacceptable and he's not broken you down to where you feel it is your fault or your actions that have driven him to it (which it would never be but people can feel it). Hold on to that knowledge and anger, you and your daughter never deserve to feel like that. I hope you're safe.

You were trying to justify his behaviour though weren't you? Or you wouldn't have written a post making excuses for him. You read the OP's first post yes? Why you thought what you wrote was in any way appropriate is astounding.
Shame on you.

It is clear from the OP that this useless arse was not ‘doing all he could’. And even if he was, his response should have been to walk out, not throw the table over and terrify a child. No excuses.

And I’ve read posts where the woman has admitted losing it and hitting/slapping, and she has been well and truly criticised.

There is no justification for this behaviour. He had plenty of options, like leaving, and he chose this one.

@Iaskedyouthrice

I’m sharing my own experience of a violent domestic incident that's never been repeated. I believe that the reason for that is because we both changed our behavior. I fully accept that the OP’s experience today is more serious than mine.

Shame on you for trying to muzzle my right to share my experience. Or don’t I have the right to do that?

Bickering is not helping OP. At all. Put your egos down.

It is domestic violence and his excuse is that you made him to do it. This is what violent men say.

You know this incident is intended to tell you that it could be you next. Believe him absolutely. If you don't and accept he can do this then he will take as permission to hurt and scare you more.

I agree, @canyouletthedogoutplease The thought police are out in force on this thread.

Many are also not crippled with shame and often do act in violence in order to teach a lesson so to speak. If you're crippled with shame , you would say sorry at the very least, yet many men go even further to secure their position by being verbally abusive , gas lighting and manipulation to make sure their victim have self doubt. That is not the actions of someone crippled with shame.

I keep telling my toddler daddy did a naughty thing and he's sorry. I don't what else I can say

There isn't anything else you can say, OP, but there's something you can do - and that's to get out of there, no matter what it takes, and protect both yourself and your child

I'm normally the very last to cry "LTB", but since there's no remorse and there's already a pattern of him "blaming you" I really can't see how this is recoverable

Get out of there OP and get your child to safety.

Second this entirely. My mum did get out eventually but not until I’d seen and heard things I’ll never forget. The thought of those times still makes me sick to my stomach.

Please, for you and your daughter, show her how strong a mama bear you can be and show her how to set boundaries because you both need that.

Please call the police. My ex did similar when I was pregnant and I regret not calling the police at the time to have a record of it.

It's very overwhelming and frightening, isn't it? I'm so sorry that happened to you.

It's lovely that your friend is looking after DD for a little while.

Do you feel safe enough to go home? Do you have family or friends that you could stay with for a couple of days if not. Someone that could go to the house with you for support whilst you get a few things?

It's really important that you stay safe. It would be great to talk it over with someone who really understands, you could try this helpline 0808 2000247 which is run by Refuge.

You don't have to make any decisions right now aside from the ones that will keep you and your daughter safe, so don't feel railroaded in anything. You can decide, OK?

I really hope you can find some rl support to help you - take care.

It is absolutely not your fault and there is no justification for violence. I am so sorry - can you get somewhere safe?

@Iaskedyouthrice

I’ll let MN know that you’ve taken over as their moderator.

how exhausted and overwhelmed I am with carrying the bulk of the household and child responsibilities while still working a stressful job just like him.

This alone proves what an absolute waste of a space he is.

Why are you so stressed out from carrying the bulk of the household stuff and childcare, it’s his home and kids too!

He sounds like an absolute wanker that you’d be foolish to be in a relationship with, let alone marry.

You could have been calling his mum a slut but there’s still no excuse to throw anything.
There was nothing stopping him from walking away and ignoring you even if you were going on and on.

As long as he can get out and you’re not blocking his path then he has absolutely no excuse.
Reactive abuse is an excuse.

Kids don’t stop whining, does that mean he’s going to throw a chair when he gets angry at them.

These men ring act abusive/violent from day 1 because else no one would ever touch them.
The abuse/violence escalates over time.

The fact that you have a child and are pregnant with a second (and you’re not even married yet) and you’re already arguing because he doesn’t pull his weight is a huge red flag.

Please put yourself and your daughter first and leave this awful, dangerous man.

There is no possible backstory that justifies this behaviour. It is up to the perpetrator to make sure they don’t reach boiling point by communicating or taking themselves out of the situation.

it sounds like you were in a difficult relationship but blowing up isn’t the answer and say you know that. So you know OP’s partner should not have acted that way.

Hi OP. I think you probably don’t want to hear this, but call the police. Tell them what happened and that it happened in front of your child and ask them to make him leave. Don’t tell him they are coming. Once the police are on their way, make sure you have control of any shared money, secure your jewellery and passports. Stay away from him. On Monday, seek legal advice to keep him away for good.
This man is now dangerous to you and your baby. You cannot raise your voice to him and and trust his reaction.
There is no alternative without putting yourself at risk. If you ask him to leave he may well lose his temper again.
Im sorry but even if you are not keen, you need to do this for your child. All the best.

If you feel the need to encourage a woman to calmy talk through a domestic violence incident with the perpetrator just because he didn't physically harm her, don't. Please.

I am so sorry for derailing the thread OP. Just remember, you carried everything on your shoulders before this. You are stronger than you realise and your little girl is lucky to have you.