Day out with toddler - I’m devastated!

[Roseni]

Hi, I think I’m just looking for somewhere to let it out.
I have severe anxiety, for the last 2 years it’s dominated my life, I’ve barely gone out. My little boy is 2.5 and hasn’t seen as much of the world as he should have. He starts nursery soon and I’m terrified.
Today I took a big step, I went to a toddler group and for a coffee with a friend and her 3 daughters. Her daughters are twins who just turned 2 and a 3 year old.
It was going ok at first, she came and met me at my house and walked with me to the group and I felt ok. Once in the group she helped introduce us to other people but I immediately felt disheartened as several people immediately complimented her daughters (the twins have beautiful blonde curly hair and her older daughter has gorgeous thick light brown curly hair, this seems to attract a lot of attention). Several people told her how beautiful they are. Then to knock my confidence more my son just lost it, he’s never had to share before as we rarely go out, he was stealing toys and screaming crying. It was all too much, my friend told me to step out and sat with my son. She managed to calm him down and got him to take turns. People were probably thinking I’m a crappy mum as I needed my friend to parent my son. I try to teach him manners at home but compared to her younger daughters he was so rude. They said adorable little pleases and thank yous all the time and my son wouldn’t even say it if prompted (his speech isn’t the best).

Then we had to get the bus into town for a coffee, I brought my sons buggy as he is a terrible walker but my friend managed with 2 2 year olds and a 3 year old with no buggy. She told me she doesn’t like having it as they are fine walking unless the buggy is there. For the whole 10 minute bus journey my son screamed and screamed while her girls were just so placid, chatting to an old lady. I heard the old lady say “your friend is very noisey isn’t he, you need to teach him how to behave” and that just broke my heart.
We got to Costa and her girls sat at the table (twins not even in high chairs) with a little snack and drink and they chatted and coloured and were so content. My son had to be strapped in his buggy. As soon as I let him out he bolted and screamed when I tried to put him back in.
The bus journey back was more of the same lots of screaming.
I’m home now and devastated, my friends children who are younger and twins and have an older sibling are so much better behaved, politer, kinder and they are even potty trained at barely two!! All the compliments on how pretty they are that my son didn’t get really ignited my insecurities from being a teen which I know is stupid.
I feel like I never want to go outside again and all the work I’ve put in was for nothing. I don’t know what to do and tonight I found myself thinking “why isn’t my son more like them” and that’s awful!

AIBU to feel this way? What do I do?

Bless you @Roseni . It sounds horrible.
It won’t be like this forever, I promise.
It sounds like you have a great friend and I bet that she would have some nice things to say about you and your little boy.

Poor child! Not been allowed to socialise and develop as would be expected due to no fault of his own, and then thrown in at the deep in and compared with children who have been allowed and encouraged. And then we wonder why children are getting to school and not able to cope!

Oh OP. Please don't beat yourself up about this. You did a lot in one day (for both of you). As other people have suggested, maybe back to baby steps for future outings.

I have a 2 year old who I do take out regularly. She LOVES seeing busses and gets so excited so I recently thought "I know, we'll take the park and ride into town, she'll love it!" No, absolutely hysterical screaming mess from the second we got on, then spent weeks telling me how much It scared her... It can happen to all of us!

I'm also sorry for the tough time you've had the last few years especially with your abusive ex partner. Well done for seeking out some support and be kind to yourself, you've been through a lot and you're doing brilliantly.

Jesus Christ, that was a typical day for DD at that age, stroppy little bugger she was. Did I die of embarrassment (hell yeah). Once we were on a plane and the pilot couldn’t take off because DD was practically convulsing with anger (no we didn’t fly again, until she was much older!) She’s 7 now and all is well.

You made it out, that’s the important thing. It was a big day for both of you, maybe a bit too much, all in one go. It will get easier.

Comparison is the thief of joy springs to mind here.

I'm absolutely positive that your friend has had the same troubles at some point, everything you mentioned is typical toddler behaviour!

I think your mistake is taking them out to an adult activity. If you had got a takeaway coffee gone to the park he could have let out his energy in a positive way.

I have a nearly three year old and he is going through the terrible twos head banging and has a weird obsession with bins! I don't loose it with him when he head bangs I give a firm no, hold his head and try to distract him with something, it usually works. He currently won't wear a coat so unless it's minus degrees I don't wrestle him into one! He wouldn't last two seconds in a cafe sitting without a device, so he has YouTube on with no noise, some crayons or we don't go!!

Please don't let this worry you and stop you going out, your friend seems really supportive- try again! But this time go somewhere more kid friendly. And my child is 2 years 10 months and I just bought a new buggy. He needs it, gets tired easily and won't hold my hand and would most definitely run into traffic!

You did far too much at once. You need to take very small steps to get your DS used to mixing with other children. Try an activity group. Go to a cafe with just you and him. See if there is anything on at your local library. Would he like swimming lessons. I wouldn't dwell too much on your perfect friend and her perfect kids.

Great advice here. The only thing I’d add is that if you do get overwhelmed for more than a few days in future do you have anyone who can take your son out even if you are at home?

As a general rule and in my experience having both sons and daughters, girls are often more advanced in both speech and potty training at this age. You're friend is doing amazing but if she has 3 boys I imagine the way she could handle it all would be different. There's also personality to factor in. My older 2 whilst different were pretty easy to handle even though close in age. The 3rd child who happened to be a boy oh my days that kid. I used to pretend he was my friends child (tongue in cheek of course) when he went through a stage of going round snatching toys and being a general menace with other people's kids. I had barely any control and he was number 3. So all this being said. Keep consistently going and he'll learn his etiquette etc by lived experience.
Finally, you've got such an amazingly kind friend.

Wow, is that your advice?!! You are very good at kicking someone when they are down aren't you! So much assumption so much judgement.... maybe rather than an agony aunt a TV Judge Judy might be a better fit!

Well done to you and your ds and your friend who sounds lovely btw.
You just took on a bit much...
But you did it and you both survived.
The thing to do now is not see it negatively and let the anxiety use this experience to make your world smaller. Every time that voice starts in your head telling you "oh you can't do it, look what happened last time, some bad things will happen"..... remember... YOU DID DO IT... nothing bad happened...your son did take turns at playgroup after a bit of help...yeh to you and him.
Maybe writing a list would help..on one side write..." Ds wouldn't share toys"...on other side write " ds learnt to take turns really quickly"...then " ds screamed on the bus"...other side " ds went on the bus for the first time".
Re framing is a good technique for anxiety but it takes practice.
You can write a third column saying what you will do next time, so for the bus example " I will take a special treat/snack and distract ds on the bus."

You are not a rubbish mum. Parenting is hard and babies aren't born with instruction manuals. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's hard to do, but try not to compare. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Your son was overwhelmed. It was a long and busy day of 'firsts'. Try to get out of the house more and more. Little steps. With time it will get easier.

My son is autistic and used to think it was hilarious to bolt near traffic and have me frantically chase him. I held his hand like we were glued together for weeks afterwards and with time he learnt it was not acceptable to run off and that it was dangerous. His speech like your sons wasn't great. Still isn't. But now at 7 years of age he will happily walk alongside me and has more of a sense of danger. Same with restaurants. We eat out regularly and now he can sit and eat his meal without issues. I don't allow my children to run around in places where they are not supposed to.

Chin up x

it seems like you’re searching for ‘evidence’ that your son can’t handle going out & so giving you an excuse to stay at home. This was his first trip outside. Of course he was overwhelmed. You just have to keep going for his sake.

I am not a doctor or therapist,
It seems to me you are mainly focused on yourself and how you are suffering rather than on your child and what is best for him.
He has already drawn a short straw in life re. no father and your mental health through no fault of his own.
You brought him into this world. He did not ask to be born.
However, having had both a boy and a girl - boys are often more obstreperous than girls.
Also do no compare your child to others especially at 2 yrs. old.

I'll guarantee that your friend's girls have their moments too.

They sound very well disciplined but with that many toddlers, they will naturally be more used to sharing attention.

On the other side, twins will always hold more fascination to other people.

Nothing your son did was particularly unusual but you do need to learn both how to deal with it and not to care so much.

Start taking him to easier things. Is there a park you can walk to? Is there a more child friendly cafe? Church or community cafes tend to be more relaxed or have little play corners. Spread out some little yogurt bites or those fruit flakes, raisins etc on the high chair tray as you put him in. Basically something that is time consuming to pick up and eat!

How prepared were you? For the bus journey, a little snack or something to look at like a book, fidget type toy, small car or train is useful.

It didn't just happen for your friend. She took things she knew would help keep them quiet.

You also have to get them used to different environments.

You've made a start. Don't give up. And even those without your issues have days like this. That's the trouble with two year olds - they are very unpredictable!

No this isn’t true. Boys and girls are the same at this age. It’s how they’re raised that’s different

Just saw your update about your abusive ex partner.... absolutely you are doing the very best you can. You have identified that you need to get out more, understandably you fear it yet you are still trying for your son! That is a sign of a great mum.

My ex was similar and nearly ten years later and two years of therapy I still don't go to certain areas out of fear of him.

But don't let him win, please try to get some counselling, it helped me so so much, please keep trying with your friend. I know this sounds like a cliche but time does heal, your child will grow out of this phase and with the right support you will both thrive. Mine left when she was 3 months it took until she was 4 before I was just about normal again! I kicked myself so much for it, but she doesn't remember and I do everything now to overcome this difficult time.

You are amazing, you haven't given in, please try again.

It's a large variety of influences not just how children are raised

How did you work that one out?! She has identified an area of need for her child and is actively trying to overcome it! It failed, she's deeply upset about that but she needs encouragement to keep trying not judgement.

OP I feel for you, your anxiety is going to make this stressful situation feel overwhelming. Had acute post natal anxiety and I know the runaway feeling.

Please know that pretty much every parent has had that feeling of their toddler/preschooler being a nightmare in public. I know I have, and literally every parent I know. Any parent judging you has forgotten they have been in that situation before. Toddlers/especially two year olds are notorious for this kind of thing, it’s essentially a development stage.

Well done for making the first step - it would have felt massive! Keep going as it will get easier! The summer is coming up and you can go to big parks where it’s a lot less noticeable if your small child is having a bit of wobbly in a big field and you can distract them with footballs and frisbees 😁

OP well done for putting yourself out there but it definitely was too much all at once. My next comment is not for you but the poster I’ve quoted so please don’t be upset, nothing to do with you or your situation.

Your friend’s children sound unusually placid!
I really hate when people say these types of things. Some children are not ‘unusually placid’ but have been parented well! When my daughter was a toddler she could scream and jump to her heart’s content in the right environment - at home, families home who were ok with it, beach and park but in places like cafes, public transport, toddler groups she was well behaved.

Op - how could you start being kinder to yourself? You are so hard on yourself, and I can promise you, that will never, ever make you feel better, or make a difference to how you act and how you are.
Could you get some therapy to try and get yourself in a better place? At the moment you seem to be in a bit of a spiral, and you may need some support to get out of that.

One step at a time, don’t overwhelm yourself or your son, and remember, kids can be little buggers, my eldest was so naughty when he was that age, biting, biting etc, he’s super lovely now, it will get better.
Hugs to you, and try to be gentle with yourself.

This. Comparing your child with theirs is totally unfair and your are being unreasonable to expect him to behave the same as them.

They are used to going out and about and at home they have two similar age siblings . Your son stays home all the time and is an only child.

The behaviour you describe is probably sensory overload. I know it’s hard for you to go but you need to do little and often , as @YeahComeOnThen says.

Please be clear - no one here is judging you , we are trying to help you and your little boy. Try to do a small short trip every day , even if it’s just down the street and back.

I know that you are doing your best to get help for your anxiety , you need to keep trying for your child’s sake.

Do you have another family member who could take him out sometimes ?

He’s not used to socialising, he was overwhelmed ☹️. My dd1 was similar at this age, we didn’t go out much, mainly due to dh and his depression but also my dd was later diagnosed with ASD, I was a young mum and was so anxious about people judging me and dd so we didn’t go out much, I really regret it as it did effect dd a lot. Eventually I left dh and started taking my dc out a lot more (both now diagnosed ASD), it wasn’t easy but the more I took them out the better it got. I never had high expectations before we went anywhere and was always prepared for the worst, some times we had to come back early, sometimes we paid to get into places and had to leave ten minutes later but eventually I was able to take them almost anywhere, I started taking them on holidays alone, some were awful but each time it got easier.

You took your DS out, you did great, things don’t always go well, kids don’t always behave (it’s not just your dc). Your friends DC’s are obviously used to going out a lot and have learnt what’s expected of them when out in public, your dc doesn’t yet have those skills but the more you take him out the more he will learn and the more enjoyable it will become.

This was a LOT of firsts for him in one day and a lot of expectations.

I would dial it right back, first do some play dates in your home so the kids can get used to each other and he can learn about sharing (although developmentally he's not expected to share of his own back at this age but it's good to encourage) in the comfort of a familiar space with no eyes watching you all. Then maybe at a park or the other mums house. Then venture and do one thing at a time. Soft play then home..another day maybe lunch although personally I wouldn't bother going for lunch with 4 under 4's they will be bored stiff and your son will play up for sure.

Your friend isn't a perfect parent she got lucky with 3 calm children. You know already you need to work on yourself and overcome this for your sons sake. But don't overwhelm both of you and do little trips to start with. An hour at the library or the park, a toddler class. A toddler class is a good idea, although you are likely to find some negatives to it, the positives are that the entertainment is provided. Often there is music so you don't NEED to talk to anyone but your son. There's no social pressure (I'm thinking something like toddlersense). I've been going for years and I don't have any friends that go and sometimes I choose to have some small talk with another mum but mostly I just keep myself to myself and focus on my children as it's my time with them, sometimes I do have a friend that goes so I'll chat to them but yeh, it's totally fine to not.

All the best, you can do this!

Just to add, I would look into sending him to a nursery/preschool setting if he doesn't already go. Try find one that does trips out and tell them about your worries and concerns. The preschool my daughter goes to does loads of trips out to the park, playground, shop, library etc.

Could any other family members take him out somewhere too?