Day out with toddler - I’m devastated!

[Roseni]

Hi, I think I’m just looking for somewhere to let it out.
I have severe anxiety, for the last 2 years it’s dominated my life, I’ve barely gone out. My little boy is 2.5 and hasn’t seen as much of the world as he should have. He starts nursery soon and I’m terrified.
Today I took a big step, I went to a toddler group and for a coffee with a friend and her 3 daughters. Her daughters are twins who just turned 2 and a 3 year old.
It was going ok at first, she came and met me at my house and walked with me to the group and I felt ok. Once in the group she helped introduce us to other people but I immediately felt disheartened as several people immediately complimented her daughters (the twins have beautiful blonde curly hair and her older daughter has gorgeous thick light brown curly hair, this seems to attract a lot of attention). Several people told her how beautiful they are. Then to knock my confidence more my son just lost it, he’s never had to share before as we rarely go out, he was stealing toys and screaming crying. It was all too much, my friend told me to step out and sat with my son. She managed to calm him down and got him to take turns. People were probably thinking I’m a crappy mum as I needed my friend to parent my son. I try to teach him manners at home but compared to her younger daughters he was so rude. They said adorable little pleases and thank yous all the time and my son wouldn’t even say it if prompted (his speech isn’t the best).

Then we had to get the bus into town for a coffee, I brought my sons buggy as he is a terrible walker but my friend managed with 2 2 year olds and a 3 year old with no buggy. She told me she doesn’t like having it as they are fine walking unless the buggy is there. For the whole 10 minute bus journey my son screamed and screamed while her girls were just so placid, chatting to an old lady. I heard the old lady say “your friend is very noisey isn’t he, you need to teach him how to behave” and that just broke my heart.
We got to Costa and her girls sat at the table (twins not even in high chairs) with a little snack and drink and they chatted and coloured and were so content. My son had to be strapped in his buggy. As soon as I let him out he bolted and screamed when I tried to put him back in.
The bus journey back was more of the same lots of screaming.
I’m home now and devastated, my friends children who are younger and twins and have an older sibling are so much better behaved, politer, kinder and they are even potty trained at barely two!! All the compliments on how pretty they are that my son didn’t get really ignited my insecurities from being a teen which I know is stupid.
I feel like I never want to go outside again and all the work I’ve put in was for nothing. I don’t know what to do and tonight I found myself thinking “why isn’t my son more like them” and that’s awful!

AIBU to feel this way? What do I do?

I'm sure I'm going to repeat what some people have said already but I didn't want to just read your post and not reply.

I really feel for you, I have anxiety too (although it's reasonably well managed now as I'm lucky to respond well to meds) and know how hard it can be at those toddler groups. I try to go one every week with my three year old and have been for nearly two years. And still if my SIL and her DGD aren't there, I have to force myself to go and fight my flight instinct the whole time I'm there. I'm sure all the other mums are perfectly nice, but I don't really know them and am rubbish and starting a conversation with strangers as I worry too much what they might think. So what I do is just focus on my DS and play with him. I have also been known to leave early "because my DS wants to go home".

My DNiece who's the same age as my DS is so much more quiet and placid than my DS! He's a runner and will mostly scream if he gets told off, not always but often enough. I think it's his personality and try not to compare him with others (very hard, I know!). He's a little wild child with a ver strong personality.

I actually wish he would still go in the buggy as it can be quite hard walking somewhere when he won't hold my hand and wants to run after every dog we meet. So I'd say enjoy the buggy as long as you can! I only stopped using it when my DS was just over three as I couldn't get him strapped in anymore.

You sound like a very caring loving mum, please try to be kind and loving to yourself too! I strongly believe that in those early years the most important thing for our little ones is a loving parent. Socialising is good too, but there'll be plenty of that in nursery and PS! As long as you engage with your DS at home and do things in the house with him, he's getting everything he needs. Also, nothing wrong with some TV while you het a cup of tea in peace! You need to look after yourself to be able to look after your DS.

Also what I like to say to myself is, there are no perfect parents - good enough is just that - good enough! 💐

Firstly, some kids are just more placid and obedient and others are programmed to need to run around and investigate things. I didn’t take my boys to cafes and eating out at that age as they couldn’t cope with sitting still for that long. A big generalisation here, but girls do seem to be more likely to be happy to sit and chat and be compliant than boys.

Secondly, your friends kids have a lot more practice of socialization than your son, so of course you’d expect them to behave differently. The expectations and demands on your son were too high. it’s a bit like you, if you have never driven, to get behind the wheel of a car and expect to be able to drive as well as your younger mate whose been driving for two years.

Thirdly as PP said. There were far too many new things for your son to cope with in one day.

It would help your son to have a more gradual introduction to the outside world and other children.

See if your Council, or any charities in your area, have family support workers who can work with you to help you manage all this. There is also Home Start who provide volunteers to support families. Banardoes have a lot of help available too.

Well done, you both took a giant step today ❤

Honestly don’t beat yourself up.

with hindsight you probably should have stuck to doing one thing , like the play group, then going home .

sounds a bit like you and your little one where overwhelmed with the busy day.

take a deep breath, then just make a new plan for next week to just go to toddlers and come home.

p.s little old ladies on the bus have a lot to answer for! They don’t think before speaking their minds . One once asked me if my children had the same dad . I was that taken aback I couldn’t even come up with a sarcastic answer 🤣

You tried to do too much. One activity would have been more than enough. Just take it one step at a time. We've all been there with a toddler tantrum. It's tough. Never compare. Comparison is the thief of joy. Your friend sounds like a great friend. Celebrate the wins. You went out, you saw people, your child was out in the real world and the sky didn't fall in. As for compliments, girls usually get more than boys which isn't usually a good thing as it tends to be about appearance and how 'pretty' they are.

Hello lovely.

First off- toddler groups are a shit day out at the best of times 😁

Have you considered getting in touch with HomeStart to see if a volunteer could help you?

Is there a corner shop or similar near you? I wonder if you could start small- a little walk there and back each day to buy a pint of milk and a small treat for you both- so that you both build up more positive experiences of being out and about?

You can’t compare the children when they have led completely different lives. Tbh, you have done your son a disservice by not socialising him but you’re trying to rectify that now and nursery should help massively!

Why would people complimenting your friends DDs knock your confidence? I don’t understand that one at all, surely you’re not jealous of a child receiving a nice remark?!

Is there a group for anxious mum's at your local health/children's/ family centre? There is one at our local children's centre and it's a fantastic resource. One of my close friends attends it as she is very anxious. The health visitors help with taking little steps and getting out and about with anxiety. They also help with health anxiety and other things.

Firstly comparison is the thief of all joy so you need to let this go and stop looking at others and then being down on your son and yourself.

Due to circumstances beyond his control, your child isn't well socialised so I think it's a bit unfair to expect him to know how to behave at toddler group on first outing (your friend's kids have had far more practise). Really the answer is to take him out more and help him learn how to interact with others. Maybe finding a smaller less popular group will help you both. I found some of the church groups run by 'grandmas' really supportive as they had truly seen everything.

Going to playgroup or a nursery will help with this but please be honest with the staff and say he has had very little socialisation so that they understand his behaviour and can be prepared to help him... good staff will totally get it and help you and him.

As for the buggy thing - that's not an issue and is in your mind. My DD always travelled in her buggy. I like walking, she didn't so it was easiest all round - plus safer when walking along main roads.

And finally, even the best, most socialised, super brainy perfect 2.5 year old will have the hugest of huge meltdowns. It's totally normal and all parents have been there... don't believe anyone who says they haven't.

It's all very good posters saying the bus, playgroup, and coffee was too much.

How do you get to playgroup if you don't use the bus?

They could maybe have skipped coffee but that might have been a time filler for the next bus - maybe one bus an hour.

But it also sounds like the friend is in the habit of doing coffee after playgroup and first time out it's probably easier to stick with your friend than to brave the bus alone.

Op you did well, where are you going today?

You took the first step in getting out, you realise a lot of your son's problems are down to not going out and mixing with other children. Manners you have to be consistent with saying please and thank you very time he is asking for something or receiving something. Start getting him out more and start working on his manners and you will start seeing changes not only in your son but in yourself.

All those activities, sharing, sitting would be challenging for a lively 2 year old boy. I took mine out a fair bit and they would still tantrum and hate being constrained in a high chair or buggy etc. In my experience it’s the nature of boys at this age. I wouldn’t be hard on yourself. Also please try and have a sense of humour about it all.

Find somewhere to take him where there are less rules and restrictions- park with no toys/bike so nothing to get territorial over. You can teach him sharing at home by playing games, sharing out food etc where there is less pressure.

Your friend sounds well intentioned but all that in one day was too much in hindsight.

It is a lot of firsts and stimulation compared to the routine of being at home for both of you.

Please don’t give up though. Maybe try some shorter trips out or just you and the friend going to the park? Take some time building up to bigger social settings.

I don’t think your son was badly behaved. It sounds like he was overstimulated.

Keep going - it will be good for both of you ❤️

Don't give up. Keep at it. Your ds needs to keep doing these types of experiences to learn to behave. But also, parenting girls is very different then boys....at least for me and for friends that I have seen. I have two girls and one boy. The boys tend to be more energetic and not sitting still as long as girls. When we have girls over for play dates....its quiet sitting doing art, chatting or playing w dolls. If you are in the next room, you do not know they are at the house! For the boy plat dates....you are counting the minutes until they are gone lol....bc you hear lots of noise of running up and down the stairs, rough and tumble, throwing the ball or kicking it around the house etc. They rarely sit still (unless playing video games...then it is silent lol). I only had one boy play date where it was quiet....they decided to play chess and other games...but it was the child that was particularly quiet and all the rest of the boys come over and have so much energy...we usually need to do part of the play date in the park.

I haven't read the full thread but I had one child who would behave angelicly in social situations and I felt like the perfect mother. Then I had number 2 who wiped that smug look right off my face. Please don't compare your child or parenting. Take it step by step and just do one thing at a time. This was a totally new experience foe him. It is very normal for children not to share and to scream about it aged 2.

Your nieces are socialised and know how to behave in public. Your son is not and does not. Totally normal that his behavior was bad and theirs was good. Work on changing that.

I wouldn’t worry, I’ve had a few days like this where I was stressed and felt embarrassed. But now I don’t care, it’s part of their development and it won’t last forever. It helped me to read up about their development and my particular child, his needs etc. I know that my son responds better in an open environment where he can run. Places with lots of people, he gets very overwhelmed and they start “acting up” because they can’t communicate how they are feeling yet or understand these feelings. Maybe try an open space or park where it’s a bit quieter?

My lovely. Go to your doctors and get help with your anxiety. You can't help your son properly in these situations until you get some help. How I know? I have generalised anxiety disorder too.

Please try some meds for a short term. Ask your doctor to refer you to your local iapt service. Ask for the acceptance and commitment therapy. It's amazing for people with anxiety. Talking therapy does bugger all for anxiety. We need direction.

I also use mindfulness now as I'm off meds and the five senses technique I learned in counselling. Also recommend the happiness trap book. Explains why our minds work the way they do.

Pura rasa on youtube has some great anxiety vids as wells.

Once you've managed to establish yourself as you will get there I promise the next is your son. It sounds like he needs more experience around people. Bit at a time. Gentle exposure. And he won't feed off of your anxiety either.

You can do this. I wish you the best of luck.

Can you get medication for your anxiety. You have to take him out more. That's the only way through this. How come he didn't go to nursery at 2

Also to be honest most children are not like your Friends kids. They are absolute angels. Most kids are not. Maybe you shouldn't hang out with them for now because you will always feel awful around them. Start taking your son to the park more. Let him run around properly.

I'd agree with the other comments I've read so far: you were over-ambitious for one outing. Take things in chunks, get your son used to small bits of stimulation at a time. Build it up slowly.

Read claire weekes book its a life saver.
I had agoraphobia and severe anxiety for years and couls not leave my home without someone with me but i could not live like it any more.
And someone on MN a very old post i think from 2013 said something about above writer that helped her it went from there.
I downloaded lots of her talks on my phone and so far so good im doing small steps i did take my first train ride in months the other day alone.
I also go to the local shop now 3 min walk without crying or running back home.
sunshades on and claire weekes playing in my ears.
One of her talks i always pop on when i go out its like she is with you talking about whats happening and what to do.
That MN poster does not know how much she helped me.
I cant really say much on children as mine are adults now.
But it will get better.

Step by step. If he hasn't socialised much, it takes practice. I should imagine as someone with anxiety it's the same tactic? Slowly start introducing yourselves into situations.

That was probably too much for one day. Next time do one or the other.

Please don't beat yourself up! You were really brave doing all of those things in one go. If your son is not used to going out, then it will be overwhelming for him. He's not being naughty, he is just in a new situation. That's no one's fault. The people you guys encountered have just seen a snapshot, and don't know the full situation. Your friends kids are siblings and well used to playing with each other, interacting with each other etc. There's a marked difference between my DD and some of her mates (who don't have siblings), even at their age now (Y6 primary). My DD has an older brother, she grew up playing with him, she's used to seeing his friends and chats/banters with them. Her friends (who don't have siblings) are more shy (their parents have said that to me).

Next time, do small steps, like other PP suggested. So a daily short walk around the block, or (if there's a park near you) a walk to the park. Build things up slowly. Maybe a walk to the corner shop. You guys are seeing fewer people but still getting used to things.

I'm a single parent too. When my eldest was little, I was on my own with him and I was terrified of going to the toddler groups (I went to a couple of the baby groups and no one spoke to me). My ex had walked and was being awful so my confidence was shot to bits. Sometimes I wanted to just hide away at home, but made myself do little things instead: DS and I would take a walk to the shops/the park and we'd say "good morning" to people as we walked by...or I'd get him to say please/thank you to the shopkeeper. I'd talk through what I was doing with him. "And now we pay for the shopping, say thank you very much to the shopkeeper etc etc", "we're just walking past the lady, so we say excuse me". Luckily I had plenty of friends and family nearby, so my DS became very much socialised (he just came with me everywhere so was used to seeing my friends and their kids, my family, ex's family etc). He went to nursery at 6months because I had to work, and that helped too. Doing small things but frequently helped me get my confidence back and it helped DS too. He was an only child until DD came along when he was nearly 7, but he was used to going out, talking to different people, being in nursery and then wraparound care, talking to adults and playing with other children etc etc. IF I had the crippling anxiety that you have, didn't go out much/see many people and didn't put him nursery, then I'm betting that he would have found things as difficult as your son did. That isn't a criticism at all, just an observation.

Please look at the outing as not a disaster: you did really well and you really tried. Also, I often step in to help my friends/family with their kids. And vice versa. Nothing bad about that!! It takes a village etc to help raise kids and we all need help at times xx

May have been said already but I promise you those other children have wobbly days.

Mum to a curly blonde hair little who can look just like a Christmas angel and sits beautifully with adorably perfect manners and I get all the compliments and apparently the world’s best mun - and the next day she’s running absolutely feral with those same curls unruly and coated in mud and refusing to keep her clothes on and singing about poo at the top her lungs. I’m pretty sure that anyone looking at me those days isn’t passing me any medals.