Day out with toddler - I’m devastated!

[Roseni]

Hi, I think I’m just looking for somewhere to let it out.
I have severe anxiety, for the last 2 years it’s dominated my life, I’ve barely gone out. My little boy is 2.5 and hasn’t seen as much of the world as he should have. He starts nursery soon and I’m terrified.
Today I took a big step, I went to a toddler group and for a coffee with a friend and her 3 daughters. Her daughters are twins who just turned 2 and a 3 year old.
It was going ok at first, she came and met me at my house and walked with me to the group and I felt ok. Once in the group she helped introduce us to other people but I immediately felt disheartened as several people immediately complimented her daughters (the twins have beautiful blonde curly hair and her older daughter has gorgeous thick light brown curly hair, this seems to attract a lot of attention). Several people told her how beautiful they are. Then to knock my confidence more my son just lost it, he’s never had to share before as we rarely go out, he was stealing toys and screaming crying. It was all too much, my friend told me to step out and sat with my son. She managed to calm him down and got him to take turns. People were probably thinking I’m a crappy mum as I needed my friend to parent my son. I try to teach him manners at home but compared to her younger daughters he was so rude. They said adorable little pleases and thank yous all the time and my son wouldn’t even say it if prompted (his speech isn’t the best).

Then we had to get the bus into town for a coffee, I brought my sons buggy as he is a terrible walker but my friend managed with 2 2 year olds and a 3 year old with no buggy. She told me she doesn’t like having it as they are fine walking unless the buggy is there. For the whole 10 minute bus journey my son screamed and screamed while her girls were just so placid, chatting to an old lady. I heard the old lady say “your friend is very noisey isn’t he, you need to teach him how to behave” and that just broke my heart.
We got to Costa and her girls sat at the table (twins not even in high chairs) with a little snack and drink and they chatted and coloured and were so content. My son had to be strapped in his buggy. As soon as I let him out he bolted and screamed when I tried to put him back in.
The bus journey back was more of the same lots of screaming.
I’m home now and devastated, my friends children who are younger and twins and have an older sibling are so much better behaved, politer, kinder and they are even potty trained at barely two!! All the compliments on how pretty they are that my son didn’t get really ignited my insecurities from being a teen which I know is stupid.
I feel like I never want to go outside again and all the work I’ve put in was for nothing. I don’t know what to do and tonight I found myself thinking “why isn’t my son more like them” and that’s awful!

AIBU to feel this way? What do I do?

@Roseni You did so well, you just took on a bit much in one day.

We all have horrendous days with toddlers: honestly draw a line under it and try to move on. Now that you’ve broken the ice, try and do some little thing every day with him. Walk, bus, playground, try different toddler groups. I know it’s hard so don’t beat yourself up if there are days you can’t.

You said you’re addressing your anxiety. Make sure the type of therapy is working for your needs. As in if it’s psychotherapy, for example, it takes years and it might not help soon enough for what your DS needs. Ask if there’s anything additional your therapist/doctor could recommend.

Well done for your Big Day Out though - it was a victory even if you don’t feel it right now 😍 Sending hugs xx

As hard as it is, you just need to keep going and it will get easier. He needs more socialisation by the sounds of it. The more situations he's in, the more he'll pick up these social skills.

We've all had days when our kids are absolute mentalists for no fucking reason. I lost count of the number of times I wanted to curl up in a hole and die when my kids were in the 2-4 age bracket!

That being said, it sounds like you were doing an awful lot of "firsts" in one day. Playgroup, bus and cafe is an awful lot for a little one who isn't too socialised yet, and a mum with anxiety. Plus throwing in the other mum and the 3 kids he doesn't really know, and it's a recipe for chaos. EVERYONE compares their screaming demon to the placid little darling at the next table. But be reassured that the placid little darling will probably be the screaming demon next time!

Keep up with your nursery plans. Yes, there'll be bumps along the way, and probably some awkward/embarrassing conversations, but for 99.99% of children, nursery is the absolute making of them.

i remember meeting friends in cafes with my ds - dd’s of friends would tend to get the admiring attention. My dd didn’t care, didn’t court it, and just wanted to eat! Very funny, but our poor boys! I also think some little kids are happy to sit with a sticker book and coloring in in a cafe, other kids can’t bear it! I’ve had both personality types. I would just flex to the personality types. Never worth comparing kids! Good luck with everything, and nursery will be a game changer in terms of helping your ds adjust to sharing/ other kids etc.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

My 5 year old still uses a buggy for his safety.

He's also always been round other kids and is still shit at sharing.

It's actually part of his targets at school to practice sharing, and he's getting better at it, although he's always been shown how to share. It just takes some kids longer to understand that possession is 9/10th of the law.

We do advocate that if someone has something it is theirs until they have walked away though, just like if my son has something it is his until he no longer wants to use it.

Also all kids misbehave in public sometimes. They're kids. Don't be disheartened that your child isn't perfect. Work to their strengths and give them opportunities to learn.

You need to choose activities to suit you and your child. A toddler group and a bus journey and a coffee shop sound too much for many people, let alone for someone who hasnt been out of the house for two or three years. Or for a child that hasnt been out many times in his life and lives with an anxious mum.

Also, stop comparing the children, they are all differenent and their behaviour does not necessarily mirror their parenting. Also generally boys will be louder and move around more and speak less than girls who will more often do what they are told and sit quietly. Most parent likely didnt notice much of what was going on as they were busy with their own children plus will have had experienced their own situations.

Please get help with your anxiety and take it easy when trying to get out and about. Like a park with a friend perhaps. Not meeting a million new people in new situations.

Well done for taking the first step. Don't worry that your ds's behaviour isn't the same as the other children...yet... he hasn't been exposed to these things and it will just take more time. Keep going. It will happen.

Part of the reason I’m so scared going out is I’m worried he will be there and hurt us. But I’m getting help and working on this

It’s awful that you feel this way op.

So now time for Plan B- smaller steps.
A very short bus journey, what can you both see out of the window, count the cars, count the people etc…then walk back. Maybe turn the walk back into a nature walk. Talk about the trees/dogs walking along, people’s gardens, insects etc. Doing these things will keep your mind on other things. Could you back a small snack for your ds for the bus journey. He has missed out but you are correcting that now but doing one very small thing a day is a great start.
You sound like a great mum by the way!

I think your son was overwhelmed with lots of new experiences in one go. Plus they pick up on how you are feeling as well.

Try it with just one or two new experiences next time and keep them short. Explain to them in advance what they will be doing and where they are going and who with. Expand them from there.

OP this is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.

You did so bloody well getting out and trying all those things. You've got such a lot to deal with, and so many different things to work through.

You can do it. It won't be easy. You have to just keep trying, one step at a time.

You and your son are yourselves, no need or point in comparing to others. You are where you are. That's okay.

I think it would help to try and catch some of the thoughts and ask yourself if they are true. Are you telling yourself stories that project into the future? Are you catastrophising?

This book is great:

https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/46674

Please be extra kind to yourself. Every day is a new day. We're all just muddling through, really.

Sending you all my best.

How was your life in school growing up OP? You said you felt bad for not being pretty enough but did you fit in? I'm just wondering if there is any SEN going on here. You have extreme anxiety and are agoraphobic and I'm wondering if you and your son could be ND? You say his speech isn't great, he has meltdowns, doesn't share - could all be his age and lack of experience socialising - but I made age excuses for my son and it later turned out to be ASD. It might not be of course as there's not a huge amount to go on but it's just a thought.

I just wanted to tell you that I feel incredibly proud of you. Practically bursting with it. You took these giant steps. The day was a massive success. You didn’t see your horrible abusive ex, you mixed with other people, your little boy got to play and practice his social skills.
Your friend sounds amazing.I had a friend like her( twins and a singleton, super nice, fantastic Mum) when my kids were small. At first I felt massively inferior and then I thought I should just copy her, so I did and before I knew it mine were the kids not having meltdowns after swimming lessons because I remembered to take snacks, etc. Some children need to let out their energy before something like playgroup. In your shoes, I would say to my friend that you would love to do it again next week, but could you go to the park on the way, so your child gets a run around. Talk to your Ds about the trip, ask him what he liked. Try a few trips out just with him. Don’t worry if he cries. Don’t worry about other peoples judgements. It really doesn’t matter, If those people knew what you had both been through, they would be as admiring as I am. Don’t let that brute ruin your future. Well done.

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It's brilliant that you have put the work in to be able to take your son out and that you recognise he has missed out on a lot of life experiences.

I hope that you are proud that you took him out - you both survived!!

While you continue to work on addressing your anxiety it is also important you recognise your son's needs and find ways to meet them so he doesn't continue to miss out.

I have a friend with social anxiety, her daughter is now 7 and now comments on how different her life is to her school friends (lack of activities, friends outside of school etc).

It's new to him. You don't expect him to behave the same as children who go out regularly.

I used to not have a car, so we went by bus everywhere. There were several times when a mum got on with a couple of children who were being taken on the bus as a treat. they were excited, loud and bouncy.... and sometimes I'd hear her say "can you sit nicely like those little girls over there" and I wanted to say "you should see my girls if they are going in a car." If something is unusual and exciting they behave differently.

Well done for going out, and try to keep doing it and it will get better. There will be days where it all goes wrong, but you'll build up the expectation and he'll know better what to do.

First steps are always hard, OP. You're doing the best you can and you've just done two big steps forward in a day. You should be proud of yourself. So your son wasn't perfectly behaved? No one is every minute of every day. He was learning. The more you expose him to other children, group situations, getting on and off public transport, how to behave in a cafe, the more he will grow and learn.

Try not to think of this day negatively. Even if you find it hard to believe, tell yourself the positives:

1. You left the house, with your son
2. You took your son to a public group, in a new place, full of strangers
3. You took your son on the bus into town
4. You sat with your son in a coffee shop

These things are not 'nothing', OP. It's actually quite a lot for both you and your son. Don't give up. For what it's worth, I always found that one big activity a day was enough for a toddler. So next time, maybe pick one thing - go to the playgroup, then give both of you a rest day at home, then the following day catch a bus for a coffee, or visit the park etc.

And don't forget that things don't always happen in the perfect order we'd like them to. Sometimes it may feel like 1 step forward and 2 steps back. As long as you keep moving forward, at whatever pace you can, that's the important thing. Write off the bad days; they happen to all of us.

Hi. Just want to say well done for taking that first step. I'm a teacher (so I'm used to performing all day) but I still find those playgroups hard. There are so many different factors to be anxious about but you did it and the next time you both do it will be easier! Maybe like another person said do just one thing. A short walk or a short trip to a park or a visit to a library. I always found it hard to handle lots in one day. Also, I think girls can sometimes be more compliant (society teaches girls this) and mature at a quicker rate too (not saying all girls or all boys but just in some cases and from what I've noticed). The twins also have an older sister so they will learn quicker from her. Panic attacks are terrible. I'm not on sertaline anymore but it did sort my panic attacks out when I was getting them. Try to go out again soon if you can do so the fear doesn't cripple you. Sending lots of support.

I am not a doctor or therapist,

No shit Sherlock. Her son didn’t ask to be born, but by the same token OP didn’t ask for a clearly severe mental health problem. Way to blame the victim.

I actually think you did really well! I wonder if it would help to write down a different version of the day where you note everything positive? Eg we left the house, I stepped out to calm down when things got overwhelming, my son settled at the playgroup after a while etc. Written like that, it sounds like a good day.

I don't want to assume about your anxiety but I've always found being outside is best for me and the kids - I prefer parks to playgroups. If you go to the same one regularly, you start to have people to nod to and chat with. And you can leave if it's just not a good day.

Are you in touch with your HV? If you feel your DS is a little behind on speech, children's centres often run playgroups for kids who need help in this area. It's likely to be a very accepting space.

being pretty isn't something you have any control over, so actually complimenting someone on how pretty their child may happen to be is totally irrelevant - so what

kindness or thoughtfulness is a far better virtue so teach your child those things when they are old enough

also sharing isn't a concept 2 year olds have, taking turns can jus about be taught. The other 3 are used to not being able to retain their toys and used to the environment of a stay and play and costa - soon enough if you keep doing those things, your dc will be used to the environments and will comply

don't worry about it - people may look but believe me most will have been in the same situation.
As for the old woman, she has forgotten how hard it was as its that long ago before the boar war...

Your friends children are clearly used to social interactions and used to behaving well in those situations. Unfortunately, yours isn't because you have been unwell. Don't be so hard on yourself or him for having a bad first time.
Keep taking small steps and lower your expectations. Keep preserving even though it is hard and you'll get there in the end. Good luck.

My first was like this OP, always seemed to be teething and upset when we tried baby groups. Friend also had perfect twins! Groups weren’t for me so we did our own thing on our own time like the library or feeding the ducks.
With regards to your anxiety-baby steps!
Take your son on a walk to the end of the road and back. Wave to neighbours, pick some daisy’s. Go to the shop for a pint of milk. Build up from there. Just by doing some little walks or errands your son will end up interacting with others. it doesn’t have to be bus, baby group, lunch, bus. That’s a lot for you both! It does get easier I promise x

It’s great that he’s going to nursery soon @Roseni. Please be honest with the staff about the fact you’ve been very ill (no need to say what with) and he’s not socialised much. Prepare them for this and ask for their support. I’m sure he’ll catch up in no time when he’s spending regular time with other children.
Your friends children dont naturally know how to socialise or handle buses and cafes etc, they’re just a lot more experienced. Your LO will learn quickly I’m sure and if you keep working on yourself at the same time you’ll both be able to go out and enjoy the world more in no time at all.

Keep trying OP it will get better just take baby steps. I have a daughter but she’s more like your son than those girls despite me trying to take her out a lot! No way would she sit for a coffee she will keep trying to run out the second I look away! Also his age is a common ‘that’s mine’ age. I found ages 2-4 most tough.