Day out with toddler - I’m devastated!

[Roseni]

Hi, I think I’m just looking for somewhere to let it out.
I have severe anxiety, for the last 2 years it’s dominated my life, I’ve barely gone out. My little boy is 2.5 and hasn’t seen as much of the world as he should have. He starts nursery soon and I’m terrified.
Today I took a big step, I went to a toddler group and for a coffee with a friend and her 3 daughters. Her daughters are twins who just turned 2 and a 3 year old.
It was going ok at first, she came and met me at my house and walked with me to the group and I felt ok. Once in the group she helped introduce us to other people but I immediately felt disheartened as several people immediately complimented her daughters (the twins have beautiful blonde curly hair and her older daughter has gorgeous thick light brown curly hair, this seems to attract a lot of attention). Several people told her how beautiful they are. Then to knock my confidence more my son just lost it, he’s never had to share before as we rarely go out, he was stealing toys and screaming crying. It was all too much, my friend told me to step out and sat with my son. She managed to calm him down and got him to take turns. People were probably thinking I’m a crappy mum as I needed my friend to parent my son. I try to teach him manners at home but compared to her younger daughters he was so rude. They said adorable little pleases and thank yous all the time and my son wouldn’t even say it if prompted (his speech isn’t the best).

Then we had to get the bus into town for a coffee, I brought my sons buggy as he is a terrible walker but my friend managed with 2 2 year olds and a 3 year old with no buggy. She told me she doesn’t like having it as they are fine walking unless the buggy is there. For the whole 10 minute bus journey my son screamed and screamed while her girls were just so placid, chatting to an old lady. I heard the old lady say “your friend is very noisey isn’t he, you need to teach him how to behave” and that just broke my heart.
We got to Costa and her girls sat at the table (twins not even in high chairs) with a little snack and drink and they chatted and coloured and were so content. My son had to be strapped in his buggy. As soon as I let him out he bolted and screamed when I tried to put him back in.
The bus journey back was more of the same lots of screaming.
I’m home now and devastated, my friends children who are younger and twins and have an older sibling are so much better behaved, politer, kinder and they are even potty trained at barely two!! All the compliments on how pretty they are that my son didn’t get really ignited my insecurities from being a teen which I know is stupid.
I feel like I never want to go outside again and all the work I’ve put in was for nothing. I don’t know what to do and tonight I found myself thinking “why isn’t my son more like them” and that’s awful!

AIBU to feel this way? What do I do?

Often other mothers are just pleased it's not their child screaming!

Your friend's children sound very well behaved, but I can assure you there will be hundreds of other mums who would have struggled walking with three small children without a buggy, so don't compare yourself with her. I think you did a lot for one day. Try easier things at first.

All of This ^

I agree with all the posts about his lack of experience and he will improve the more you do it.

But just wanted to also say you seem to have a really lovely supportive friend so that is one thing to be really positive about xxx

Try not to beat yourself up, and persevere with playdates and nursery - remind yourself that he is at just the right age to start socialising.

Start to practice basic social skills with him at home every day. Chat to him, teach him to share and say please & thank you. Read to him, he needs to hear language being spoken.
You can do this.

Sorry this may be a super quick message and you may never see it amongst the others!

I’ve twin girls who are nearly two. They’re my onlies so I don’t claim a lot of experience but from all the groups and classes we go, I’d say your friend’s children sound like the unusual ones! Also twins get SO much attention.

We saw my sister’s son at Christmas who was 2.5 then and has been in nursery full time since he was about 9 months…and he had a bit of a meltdown over giving back a toy to my daughter.

xx

Don’t beat yourself up OP, you took a huge step in taking your son out so give yourself a pat on the back for that. I have a 2 year old and the first time taking her anywhere new can often be quite tricky and overwhelming for us both. It gets much easier when they get used to things.

don’t worry if he’s not able to share yet, or his speech isn’t amazing yet - you’ll notice this change when he goes to nursery, he’s just not had the opportunity yet. Nursery will be great for him and he’ll get used to the other children and learn these things.

comparing to other kids is always rough because they all just develop in such different ways at different rates , but they’ll all get there in the end!! Just do your best, show him love, and look after yourself too - I bet you’re an amazing mum who he loves very much 💕💕

Absolutely crucial.
Socialisation, speak with him, increase his vocabulary, interact, and basic manners like “ Please” , “Thank you” - no snatching from other children &c

Their brains are like sponges this young, they are so keen to learn new things and to absorb information around them-

Outdoor exercise is good too- a run in the park or fields.

Speaking and stories -Reading to young children at bed time is good.
Local libraries for good children’s books.

I remember being read to by parents and loved it- best part of the evening - the bedtime story.

It takes effort, but should be rewarding for parent and child.

Ahh don’t be so upset, it was a big thing for you both. I have three children, eldest is a girl, and then two boys. I could take her anywhere and she would just sit at the table and look at a book or colour. I had a shock when I had my boy next, he was a whirlwind, sitting in a coffee shop was very stressful, his speech was later. Don’t worry about it! They are just different, every child is different! Don’t be hard on yourself, keep going xx

I’m not voting as you are judging yourself so harshly.

How you feel, how you’re comparing yourself where you should try not to and how your child is responding and learning to new environments is absolutely natural. It is so hard. You stayed the course which is phenomenal. You didn’t pack up and leave, you took a time out, you kept trying. Keep trying. You are doing so well. It is brilliant that you have a friend that can support you where needed but please don’t sit and compare - no two people are the same

You did great OP. You overcame your anxiety to do several stressful things. A bus journey, new people in a new place and Costa. Any one of those is a real achievement. Please try to focus on that and how well you did. Your DS was being a toddler, that's all. Girls always get more praise for their appearance so that means nothing, and your friends children do sound exceptional in their behaviour, so try not to compare.
Next time you go out, try very hard to focus on being in the moment with DS. You're not on a stage giving a performance, you're having an experience together. As you go out more you'll learn the trigger points for DS and be more prepared with what works and what doesn't. Its a learning curve, and that was just the first lesson for you both.

This. Your son is a product of your parenting. He’s not used to behaving in these situations because he hasn’t had to. You need to get some professional help for your anxiety as it is impinging on you being a better parent to your son.

Also to need no buggy and be fully toilet trained at just turned 2 is pretty uncommon. Your friend has probably forced this to make life easier for herself as she has the older one too. Don’t compare.

Of course he will behave like that as he's overwhelmed as you say with not having these experiences before.
Start small with shorter outings to one destination.
I get you are anxious but you are the adult here. You need to allow your child to have experiences out in the world with other children .

I havent read all the comments so apologies for repeating.

I have 2 older children and I work with children so I know toddlers well - everything you describe for your 2 year old is completely normal!

Of my two kids - one was much much more placid than the other - literally night and day - my youngest (a girl) I could take anywhere do anything with and she would just sit where placed, sit in a high chair, sit placidly in a buggy staring into space and sucking her dummy!! I could take her to the hairdresser and say - right sit in your buggy playing with a toy and she wld just tuck herself in calmly for however long I needed her to.

BUT - luckily she was not my first child or I would have been smug!

My son was not like this!!! I had to take him out twice a day and just let him tear around for hours, he was always moving - I would never ever have expected all that sitting from him - I planned my entire day on him being phsyically active.

Please try to find a way to conquer your anxieties and don't let this day deter you from getting out more.

Your son is an active little being - he needs to be in the park playing - luckily summer is coming - take him to a sandpit with a bucket and spade, let him get mucky or dig about.

Find a friendly toddler group with outdoor space

Find someone you like to hang out with while doing this stuff - a friend/ another mum - just step by step help your son get out and about in the world

ALL OF US _ including very confident people (And I am socially very outgoing) have had days like you describe - I have literally got home with toddlers and collapsed in a pile of tears and anxiety - nothing like what im like at work - just totally done in by toddler care.

keep going OP you are doing a great job!

My son was 2 when my daughter was born - he was very much still in a buggy a lot of the time - especially on a long day out! I was very restricted if I wanted him to talk as he still napped in the day. and he was in nappies until about 2.5/ 3

You achieved a lot today OP by going - well done . Your son achieved to though it may not feel like that . It was all new to him and next time he will have more idea what to expect . Next time keep it a bit simpler - just the group - not the bus and coffee .

Your friends children are not the norm at all . Boys also tend to develop a bit later with things like potty training .

Oh bless you, big step.

I don't know if this helps, but maybe you could think of things from your son's perspective. He had an emotional day with lots of new exciting things but also where he doesn't know the rules yet. So it was confusing and emotional for him. Massive learning curve. Help him along and he will find it normal and happy a few weeks further along. In retrospect, maybe bus and lunch was a new thing too much, but that's easy for me to say.

Don't think of it as him being 'behind' - he'll pick it up in no time, and maybe he'll be one of the kids who need regular reminders or maybe he'll be a little angel, like any of them. Some of the terrors (in an affectionate sense) at our toddler groups were those who had gone to the group since they were babies. It's really in how you deal with it now and personality. You haven't missed the bus or anything.

By far the most important thing is that he has fun. Concentrate on that and the learning will look after itself. It really will.

Hey, just wanted to say it will get better and easier. You say your son is starting nursery soon and that will help him lots. Not sure if you are doing this already but you may be able to get a family support worker to help you with going out with your son if you contact your local family hub or health visitor team and they can tell you about what support is available in your area. They may be able to refer you to a nursery nurse or support worker etc to help you to learn new strategies to help your son when out and about and ways to help with speech etc. If there is a local womens charity they could help support you with gaining confidence. It sounds like you have been through a lot of trauma and anxiety is so hard but parenting will get easier.

Stick with it OP! You know how every photo you see of pandas is absolute chaos? That's my boys. I have three boys (all in their teens now) and one very little girl. They really are different beasts with different energy. The boys are loud and chaotic and love rough and tumble. Also people love little blond/e children and curly hair. My boys were all little blond cherubs when younger and we often got compliments.

You have a lot going on . Anxiety is hard , it can be debilitating! Add on to that an abusive ex and fears of bumping in to him it’s no wonder you are so stressed ! Give yourself a break , don’t be so hard on yourself .

Your son hasn’t socialised much and then had a lot in one day ( other children when he’s not used to being with others , a group , coffee , a bus ride ) he probably felt a bit out of sorts and he’s only little so the only way he can express his feelings is with screaming and crying . All children are different - the twins have each other and a sibling - so are used to being around other children . They probably get out more too so it wasn’t an overwhelming experience for them. Is it possible to put him in nursery at all to help him socialise ?

Don’t get down about people commenting on your friends children . They’re girls , people are always more likely to comment on girls being pretty than boys and especially with the adorable clothes that girls have compared to boys . Then you add in the fact that they’re twins ! It’s nothing against your child x

Your child has barely socialised. Her kids have been socialised all their lives for one…

you child has never had to share. The twins have always had to share

you need to keep going out. Keep socialising.

Well done! The reaction your son had to new aspects of socialisation and the World shows that he needs to get out more. Practise and familiarity will help him.
Plan more outings.Maybe one or two each week. Even walking around the block will be interesting to your son and you can speak to him about what you both see.

It will get better.

I think people always coo over little girls more and their cute outfits etc.

My son as a toddler often behaved like that and was always socialised and my friends all had girls who behaved but he was a hard toddler and i cried a few times. Since about 3.5 he was so much better and became a breeze and as a 15 year old is so easy and laid back.

Just start with small steps. Walks, park. Then quick coffee etc when you are ready. Good luck.

I feel for you. When my youngest was a toddler, I used to go out with him and my friend with her two girls and it was often like this. I stopped doing things that my little boy couldnt habdle abd did more outdoor, physical things where he could run off steam. If it's any consulation, they are all teenagers now and the tables have turned BIG TIME. My boys are really easy, lovely teenagers and her girls are an absolute nightmare...

I agree,
3 little people and a double buggy on the bus OMG 😲 how many hands do you need esp if you need to fold the buggy.
The 3 yo must have been walking very young too.

Same with nappies, given she must have had 3 under 2 the cost of nappies must have been wild.