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Original poster

MIL coming to stay with added extra

567 replies

Babycatsmummy · 26/04/2024 19:12

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

OP posts:
Original poster
Babycatsmummy · 27/04/2024 11:04

Thank you again for all of your comments, it really does mean a lot.

Normally I am quite an opinionated person and will put my foot down if I don't agree with something. With this though, I've felt like I'm loosing the battle from the start. He pretty much said this morning his mum comes before anything else and she and her friend are welcome to stay here, oh and once he's picked them up from the airport he's going out with his friends so they will pretty much just be dumped on me. My fuse blew at this point and I said I won't be here when you get back from the airport and nor will any of the baby things as I'm not being made to feel so shit about having unwanted guests when I'm feeling so emotional as it is. My family have totally respected my wishes and have been so supportive. I don't speak to my own mother and was raised by my grandparents and my Dad. My other birthing partner who I see as a mum/sister type figure has told me I'm very welcome to her house for the foreseeable as she has 3 spare rooms and lives on her own since her DH passed away.

I think my DP thinks I'm trying to call his bluff, I said the only way I'm staying is if your mum stays with her cousin who's she close too ( basically MIl came over here after the breakdown of her marriage and left my DP in Italy with other family to be raised, he came when he was in his 30's then she recently retired back to Italy) and she has plenty of family in the area she could go to. Her best friend also has family here she could stay with.

I've pointed out right now I'm absolutely petrified, it's my first baby and I've been high risk all throughout my pregnancy and I managed to work up until I was 36 weeks so now I'm just trying to relax, get my head around the huge change that's coming and enjoy the baby. He said he's scared too which I totally appreciate and understand but told him he can't rely on his mum to take on his role, he wanted this just as much as I did so he needs to step up a bit and get a grip.

As of this moment in time, I'm 110% going to my birthing partners house as I can feel myself slightly going down in my mood and I don't want. Being couped up in the bedroom isn't something I wanted and nor do I want MIL and her friend using my house as their own, especially since DP wouldn't even book any leave from work to look after them. She is a genuine nightmare and for example, if I make the beds and do general domestic chores she'll watch over me and then "correct" what I've done like it's not good enough. She does walk into the bedroom uninvited and I've asked her many times not to but she doesn't want to listen.

OP posts:
Outwiththenorm · 27/04/2024 11:10

MIL stays with cousin. Hold firm to that, Op.

isthewashingdryyet · 27/04/2024 11:11

Well done you, start packing your clothes and the baby clothes and get your wonderful friend to pick you up later on today.

and then enjoy your baby

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/04/2024 11:14

The mother whose feelings apparently come before everything abandoned him as a child and went to live in a different country?

Wow.

Well done for putting your foot down, OP. Go and stay with your friend.

toomanyy · 27/04/2024 11:15

Well done, OP! He will expect you to back down so continue to be firm with him. Is there a chance he’ll say yes to you and bring MIL to yours anyway?

My fuse blew at this point and I said I won't be here when you get back from the airport and nor will any of the baby things as I'm not being made to feel so shit about having unwanted guests when I'm feeling so emotional as it is.

How did he react to this?

Round3HereWeGo · 27/04/2024 11:21

Well done OP!! Go and have a lovely experience with your supportive friend and enjoy the first few weeks, exhausting as they will be.

I just couldn't be with a man that pandered to mummy like this over my own mental well being.

ButterCrackers · 27/04/2024 11:25

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/04/2024 11:14

The mother whose feelings apparently come before everything abandoned him as a child and went to live in a different country?

Wow.

Well done for putting your foot down, OP. Go and stay with your friend.

And now she’s forcing her son to miss out on the precious weeks before and after the birth. Jealousy perhaps?

BubziOwl · 27/04/2024 11:29

Brilliant work on being firm - don't back down. I'd very much be fucking off to my friend's house and telling them all where they can get off.

And this is coming from someone with a very close family with similar cultural norms to your husband's family.

There's being close and having that type of close knit culture, and then there's pure disrespect. Your MIL and DH are very much being the latter right now!

diddl · 27/04/2024 11:30

Good for you Op.

His Mum abandoned him & he is effectively doing the same to his child.

What a loser!

Silvers11 · 27/04/2024 11:40

@Babycatsmummy Oh OP - all this stress isn't good for the baby. Please go to your friend's house as soon as you can - like today if at all possible.

Your DP has already said his Mum comes first. Believe him. That isn't going to change.

Once the baby is a few weeks old, you can decide whether to continue this relationship or not, but for the baby's sake, ( especially) you need to get out of your home and stay with a supportive friend for the time being

ButterCrackers · 27/04/2024 11:41

Check the energy/water counters so that your partner can pay for what these free loaders use.

babysharksasleep · 27/04/2024 11:46

So pleased you have a supportive birthing partner friend. Definitely go and stay with her.

The fact that he is planning on going out with his friends as soon as he picks MIL tells you he intends to leave you to host which isn't acceptable.

Also "She is a genuine nightmare and for example, if I make the beds and do general domestic chores she'll watch over me and then "correct" what I've done like it's not good enough." By analogy she will be unbearable once baby is here and could result in you being very low mentally. Look after yourself and do what is best for you. Your husband should be supporting you.

PamPamPamPam · 27/04/2024 11:52

Are you not supposed to forsake all others when you get married? You should remind him of the vows he took OP.

Well done on prioritising yours and your baby's needs-move in with your friend and focus on yourself, your child and your own family.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/04/2024 11:53

ButterCrackers · 27/04/2024 11:25

And now she’s forcing her son to miss out on the precious weeks before and after the birth. Jealousy perhaps?

Edited
Show quote history

Nobody's forcing him to miss out on anything.

If he's too wet to tell his mother and her friend that they aren't welcome, that's 100% on him.

Tigersonvaseline · 27/04/2024 11:54

Well done op, don't even mention it again don't turn it into an argument...you have asked, said your views before and they have been entirely ignored and trampled over...

Speak seriously to yours friend about the length of stay and is she on board with people banging on her door etc...

Will you have to pay rent?

Personally I'd try and secure her for 2 months minimum get your stuff in and get comfy.

Takenoprisoner · 27/04/2024 11:58

I've pointed out right now I'm absolutely petrified, it's my first baby and I've been high risk all throughout my pregnancy and I managed to work up until I was 36 weeks so now I'm just trying to relax, get my head around the huge change that's coming and enjoy the baby. He said he's scared too which I totally appreciate and understand

@Babycatsmummy This bit stood out to me. Would a man who is anxious about his partner's high risk pregnancy behave in this way: have unwanted/new visitors over, disregard her wishes, go out with his mates and leave her to entertain his guests? Refuse to have a reasonable conversation with her about what she wants and needs? No, a supportive, loving partner would not be adding to her stress, would stand up for her against his overbearing mother and generally be anxious to make her feel as secure and looked after as possible.

diddl · 27/04/2024 11:58

So his mum is retired, could stay elsewhere but wants to stay with you when she says so plus with a friend.

And he thinks that this is all OK?

Or daren't say no?

Either way that's not for you to address.

Hopefully you will soon be on your way to your friend & not rushing back!

I'd be thinking twice about having him at the birth if he can't be trusted not to tell his mum or be bleating on about her.

suburburban · 27/04/2024 12:01

Just no to them coming OP

How selfish they are

Apolloneuro · 27/04/2024 12:01

Sounds like he’s got a while other thing going on with needing his mum’s love and approval. He’s traumatised by his childhood.

However sad that is, it is not the priority now. Settle in with your lovely friend. Leave the future for the future.

Zonder · 27/04/2024 12:07

Nightmare
How dare he go out with friends after picking them up, just for starters? Clearly he doesn't actually want to hang around with her!

suburburban · 27/04/2024 12:08

Babycatsmummy · 27/04/2024 11:04

Thank you again for all of your comments, it really does mean a lot.

Normally I am quite an opinionated person and will put my foot down if I don't agree with something. With this though, I've felt like I'm loosing the battle from the start. He pretty much said this morning his mum comes before anything else and she and her friend are welcome to stay here, oh and once he's picked them up from the airport he's going out with his friends so they will pretty much just be dumped on me. My fuse blew at this point and I said I won't be here when you get back from the airport and nor will any of the baby things as I'm not being made to feel so shit about having unwanted guests when I'm feeling so emotional as it is. My family have totally respected my wishes and have been so supportive. I don't speak to my own mother and was raised by my grandparents and my Dad. My other birthing partner who I see as a mum/sister type figure has told me I'm very welcome to her house for the foreseeable as she has 3 spare rooms and lives on her own since her DH passed away.

I think my DP thinks I'm trying to call his bluff, I said the only way I'm staying is if your mum stays with her cousin who's she close too ( basically MIl came over here after the breakdown of her marriage and left my DP in Italy with other family to be raised, he came when he was in his 30's then she recently retired back to Italy) and she has plenty of family in the area she could go to. Her best friend also has family here she could stay with.

I've pointed out right now I'm absolutely petrified, it's my first baby and I've been high risk all throughout my pregnancy and I managed to work up until I was 36 weeks so now I'm just trying to relax, get my head around the huge change that's coming and enjoy the baby. He said he's scared too which I totally appreciate and understand but told him he can't rely on his mum to take on his role, he wanted this just as much as I did so he needs to step up a bit and get a grip.

As of this moment in time, I'm 110% going to my birthing partners house as I can feel myself slightly going down in my mood and I don't want. Being couped up in the bedroom isn't something I wanted and nor do I want MIL and her friend using my house as their own, especially since DP wouldn't even book any leave from work to look after them. She is a genuine nightmare and for example, if I make the beds and do general domestic chores she'll watch over me and then "correct" what I've done like it's not good enough. She does walk into the bedroom uninvited and I've asked her many times not to but she doesn't want to listen.

So not helping just criticising and your dp does his own thing

Please go to your friends

GreatGateauxsby · 27/04/2024 12:09

I'm 110% going to my birthing partners house

what an arsehole.
please do this.

and let the nonnas sit round in an empty flat, bored of their tits with no “baby show” / zoo attraction to gawk at.
And when he inevitably comes back and gives you a lame half apologies do NOT go back until they are gone.

MyBreezyPombear · 27/04/2024 12:13

I'm glad you've got somewhere you can go. Go to your friends and leave him to deal with his Mum and her friend. Concentrate on you and the baby.

DrJoanAllenby · 27/04/2024 12:17

You're having a baby's and it should be a calm, relaxed and joyous occasion.

'We live in a very small flat, it is 2 bedroomed but it's going to feel incredibly claustrophobic.

She's also under the impression she's coming to the hospital with us when I go into labour'

Where is the stranger doing to sleep? In with your mother in law? That's not on.

How many bathrooms do you have?

You must put your foot down and say no to all of this as the stress for you is horrific.

The level of imposition they are all putting on you is completely unacceptable and could be detrimental to your health and the difference between having a relaxed delivery and one fraught with tension with the distractions of these three selfish people.

The husband is ineffective and not putting g your needs first.

The mother is over bearing and interfering g.

The stranger friend of hers is disgusting and hopping along for a freebie holiday. Who in their right mind would say yes to staying in woman's home who they have never met and is about to give birth.

Tradition my arse, they are three nasty individuals.

alrightluv · 27/04/2024 12:17

Please do go to your birthing partner's house. Your mil sounds toxic. Dh isn't supportive at all. And going out with friends!!!! 🤬