MIL coming to stay with added extra

[Babycatsmummy]

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

Does your MIL know how you feel about her visit - or are you being polite?

Perhaps you need to do some straight talking directly to her- before she comes.
This can't mess up your relationship with her any more than you moving out and at least she can be emotional/furious far away from you if you do it now.

It does not sound as if your DP has done anything useful in this matter.

You are the Mama! Stand up for you and your baby now.

Oh @Babycatsmummy you poor thing 😔
This is batshit from your DH. As for going out with his friends for the night as soon as they arrive..... absolutely No Way.

You’re right. Though I do think that the partners mother is playing on her son’s stupidity and lack of responsibility to his partner and child.

Well done op. Has he spoken to his mum yet? Maybe a few nights at your birthing partners house while he stews it over is a good idea.

With this though, I've felt like I'm loosing the battle from the start. He pretty much said this morning his mum comes before anything else

I knew this was coming from your first post. Go to your birthing partner (I'm glad you have such strong support) and while you're there have a think about where you want to go with your relationship. Because this issue isn't over when (if) she leaves. It's going to be a recurring theme that his mother will always come first, that he will be prepared to completely override any objections you have. That your family will always come second. That mummy will always get what she wants. That he will choose her over you.

So to me this is a hill to die on. Set your boundaries now and enforce them. And if ultimately that means the end of the relationship maybe that's better than a lifetime of playing second fiddle.

I’ve read your update and I’d just go. I wouldn’t return unless he groveled to be honest. If his mum really comes first then you shouldn’t go back either.

My God, I've read some stuff on here but this is something else! Please go to your friend's place and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and your new baby. The fuck is wrong with some people?

Honestly I would be packing my bags and going to my mum and dads !

Go to your friends house.

Your MIL and your DP both sound awful.

Your MIL should not be dictating how long she stays, who she brings, how you do housework, or how you look after yourself and your baby.

This is horrific. I'd be telling DP, MIL and MIL's friend to all fuck off. Honestly, this is a hill to die on. Let them walk over you now and it sets the tone for the decades. If you don't stand up for yourself now, your experience as a new mum will be nothing but stress. I would be refusing point blank now for MIL to stay, even on her own. Time to put some big boundaries in.

And give baby your surname. Not DP's. I'd be reconsidering the relationship also. He sounds awful.

Apolloneuro · Today 12:01
Sounds like he’s got a while other thing going on with needing his mum’s love and approval. He’s traumatised by his childhood.

This: he's so desperate for her approval that he can't stand up to her. Has he ever explored how that dynamic is playing out into your marriage? Does he have any role models for a better kind of marital relationship?

Meanwhile thank goodness for your friend: I am so glad you have RL support, whatever you decide to do next.

Honestly, I'd be out the door

Yeah I think this is it.

He's a little boy lost whose mother abandoned him as a child and didn't really come back into his life until adulthood, now he wants a relationship with her and so he's afraid to say no in case she abandons him again.

It's very sad but not the OP's circus or her monkeys.

He needs to understand that he can never get back his lost childhood with his mother, but if he prioritises her over the OP now, he risks fucking up his chance to be a proper dad to his own child.

He's a little boy lost whose mother abandoned him as a child and didn't really come back into his life until adulthood,

I'm not sure she even did that as it sounds as though he moved to her & then not that much later she moved back to Italy.

Honesty if it was a relationship you'd be saying take the hint she's not interested!

I’m glad to hear you have somewhere to go OP.

Is it a permanent solution if your marriage breaks down?
However I do think you should do all you can to stop this madness, before you move out.

You shouldn’t have to leave your own home especially at this time. And leaving could lead to other problems down the line depending on who owns the flat. You don’t want to find yourself homeless or with huge utility bills to pay for your flat that MIL and her guest have charged up.
You surely can’t be paying rent/mortgage on two places. What if MIL moves in permanently and your DH then wants custody. You don’t need future battles if you can avoid them so think ahead as much as you can. Take legal advice if you have to.

Please try to summon the courage to confront MIL yourself instead of going through your DH.
Do it asap.
Tell her exactly what you do want and what you don’t want with regards to her help with the baby. And that you aren’t prepared to compromise any further. Follow it up with an email or text.
Tell her if she doesn’t agree to the terms of your invitation for her to your home then the invitation to stay in your home is withdrawn altogether. Tell her that her uninvited guest isn’t welcome to stay at your home at all.

Do everything you can to stay in your own home, under your own terms, for as long as you can.
Good luck OP. Sadly, your DH has put you in a very tricky situation here and you need to use all your strength to stand up for yourself.

I hope he backs down once he realises you are deadly serious.

Bloody hell, I think I’d LTB for this 😱

OP, is your DH well, not very bright?

How can he be so oblivious?

I'm glad you're scarpering - the sooner the better.

Don't forget your first priority: your serenity and baby's safe delivery.

Honestly my eyes just popped out of my head when you mentioned his plan to go straight out with his mates after dropping her off. It's like something out of Anna Karenina but without the huge mansions. Has he sharpened his cigar already? I despair. 😖

'Chill'?

Right,because nothing says relaxation like a couple of unwanted,cheeky fucker house guests.

Moving out would show she is serious. He thinks she’s just blustering and will knuckle under and make herself miserable and stressed and hurt her health and her ability to focus on her baby because it will make his life easier and suit his mum, and it’s more important his mum is happy than his pregnant wife. Moving out will show him he doesn’t get both, and needs to choose .

His mum is his real wife in any sense of the word. By his own admission she will always be his #1. He got you pregnant to give her a baby and mark my words will be fully parenting with her, not you. You're basically an incubator for their baby.

Sorry if this sounds harsh and hard to read. The fact of the matter is that men like this are never going to love their wives properly. Would you have married him if his wedding vow had been "forsaking all others - apart from my mum"?

I'm glad you've got somewhere to go OP. I understand he's so desperate for his mother approval it's probably driving his behaviour. However that's something to unpick in therapy.

You need calmness before the arrival of your baby. Good luck.

@Natty13

Would you have married him if his wedding vow had been "forsaking all others - apart from my mum"?

One small light in all this, is that OP doesn't seem to have married this negligent fool as she refers to him as "DP" several times - unless I've missed a "DH" somewhere- entirely possible. So whilst things are bad enough now, at least she doesn't have to worry about having to organise a legal divorce on top of everything else. 🌹

Who owns the property that you both live in, as I gather you are not married.

MIl seems to think it is her daughter that is having this baby, it isn't !
no way on this earth would I have had this relative coming to the hospital with me.

Dp needs to grow up - fast !

Even if it were her daughter giving birth she wouldn't be entitled to behave like this.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom

I agree, tho some ' mums to be ' do like / ask their mums to be with them.

love your username btw.