Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL coming to stay with added extra

567 replies

Babycatsmummy · 26/04/2024 19:12

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

OP posts:
Tigersonvaseline · 27/04/2024 09:09

Also if op is struggling to stand up for what she wants before mil arrives how can she do it after?

Maybe choose the path of least resistance and go. Move out.

Tigersonvaseline · 27/04/2024 09:11

Then your dp can clear his thoughts and priorities. Enjoy mil without you and baby or put you first.

He's not even going to be there because he's not good with medical stuff when usually having a baby isn't medical anyway!

ToffeeForEveryone · 27/04/2024 09:13

This is outrageous. I'm angry on your behalf OP, this is a complete overstep.

You said that MIL and friend are arriving imminently. You don't have to be polite. Your DH might not want to tell his mother that she/guest are not welcome, but there's nothing stopping you. I'd message MIL now before she comes, but frankly if it came to it I'd be telling the uninvited guest on arrival that sorry there's been a misunderstanding and it's not possible for her to stay, here's a local hotel number etc. You are not being rude - they are, massively, massively rude.

You have been more accommodating of your DP's "culture" than most would be. Having a total stranger to stay at this time is unthinkable, and I don't see how your relationship can come out unscathed if your DP doesn't back you on this. Does he realise he is risking your relationship?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/04/2024 09:18

Veenah · 27/04/2024 08:44

I'm quite a private person and this would be an absolute no from me and would have been a major issue if my husband pushed it. For so many reasons.

You could be in early labour at home for hours and will want privacy.

You will be recovering and trying to establish feeding and shouldnt have to think about what bits of you are hanging out or leaking at any given time. I had low milk supply and for the early weeks I was constantly either feeding or pumping to build up supply, it was a tough time and would have really impacted me to have to work around guests. I would have rarely left the bedroom.

Our spare room was often useful in the early days. For one of us to get a couple of hours sleep when we were taking turns during a difficult night, or for my husband to get some sleep when he went back to work and I was doing a lot of night feeds. If you're in a small two bed it's also good for storage - babies come with a lot of equipment and also in the early days when people were arriving with gifts it was quite overwhelming to have to sort through and spilt clothes into age ranges etc - absolutely a first world problem and I was very grateful, but I was glad to have somewhere to just store things until we could get around to them.

Yes, we have a spare room and we still use it all the time, and our baby is a year old. We have spent much of the last year with the baby in the spare room and the two of us taking turns to sleep in there with her so at least one of us can get some sleep.

Even my parents know that if they want to stay longer than a week they get an Airbnb.

Asurvivor · 27/04/2024 09:19

I also think you should go & stay with your family. Your MIL is not going to respect your needs and your dh is clearly not willing to stand up to her. Time to assert yourself now or have years of this.

SassiestPants · 27/04/2024 09:20

Yeah I'd pack up and go to my parents. Absolutely unacceptable.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/04/2024 09:21

ToffeeForEveryone · 27/04/2024 09:13

This is outrageous. I'm angry on your behalf OP, this is a complete overstep.

You said that MIL and friend are arriving imminently. You don't have to be polite. Your DH might not want to tell his mother that she/guest are not welcome, but there's nothing stopping you. I'd message MIL now before she comes, but frankly if it came to it I'd be telling the uninvited guest on arrival that sorry there's been a misunderstanding and it's not possible for her to stay, here's a local hotel number etc. You are not being rude - they are, massively, massively rude.

You have been more accommodating of your DP's "culture" than most would be. Having a total stranger to stay at this time is unthinkable, and I don't see how your relationship can come out unscathed if your DP doesn't back you on this. Does he realise he is risking your relationship?

Yes, this.

@Babycatsmummy Your "partner" doesn't want to upset Mummy dearest by saying her friend can't stay. Surely he'd rather tell her that himself than have you tell MIL and friend that they are not welcome when they arrive on the doorstep after a flight from Italy.

Or have them arrive to find you not there because you've gone to stay with your family or a friend who actually respects you.

Moonlane · 27/04/2024 09:23

crumblingschools · 26/04/2024 19:19

Your DH will be hosting. You will be concentrating on baby

Oh yes ops partner sounds very much like he's going to be the host.. he's obviously very supportive of his partner from what I read 😒

Summertimesaddness · 27/04/2024 09:23

Have you heard of the 4th trimester OP? Please put yourself first.

WhamBamThankU · 27/04/2024 09:28

Please don't subject yourself to this. The last few weeks of pregnancy are bad enough followed by labour and the reward is the time after this when you and your partner get used to being parents. Absolutely no to the friend.

HMW1906 · 27/04/2024 09:29

Please go and stay with your family prior to the birth and immediately after, she and your partner are going to be a nightmare, you will get no say in your baby or even get to hold the baby, get out now whilst you can!

Moonlane · 27/04/2024 09:29

Ponderingwindow · 27/04/2024 01:04

A “cultural difference” where the heavily pregnant woman’s wishes get completely ignored.

put your foot down and tell him explicitly that the extra guest is not welcome and will not be admitted. You should have been more forceful about his mother’s visit but that moment has passed.

Very easy to say you should be more forceful but op clearly can't, don't you read the posts . He's a dead end at every conversation. The man is selfish and only cares for his mums feelings. He's the issue, how forceful does someone need to be when they are pregnant as well

StopStartStop · 27/04/2024 09:31

Do you have parents? If so, go there and stay until the baby is three months old.
Mother in law arriving when you don't actually want her is unacceptable. Bringing a friend is inviting nuclear war.
Let her have it.

Cem82 · 27/04/2024 09:39

List your guest bed for sale on facebook marketplace. Buy a sofa bed (preferably put it in the living room) - the kind that’s fine for a few nights but not comfortable enough to sleep on long term and would be quite cosy for two people who aren’t in a relationship to share! Then fill the room with baby stuff - baby cot, baby wardrobe, a comfy chair for feeding the baby, the works! It is no longer a guest room, it’s the babies room! Arrange for people to come and remove furniture when your partner isn’t home. Make it very clear that it’s your babies room!

Coconutter24 · 27/04/2024 09:47

So your DP won’t stand up for what you want so you need to pull up those big girl pants and tell MIL what you want and don’t want. I wouldn’t be having any guests staying after just giving birth but if you don’t tell her she can’t come she obviously will be coming to stay so I would be making sure she had a return ticket booked for 2 weeks (max) time. 3 months is far to long. Your family need to stop being pathetic and worrying it makes them feel second best, this isn’t about them it’s about you and that should be their concern! I also would just drop in conversation to MIL that your friend is a birthing partner so you will have 2 people accompanying you so she will have to wait at home, hospital rules. Your DP sounds like a push over with his mum so if he offers to stay home so MIL can go with you whilst in labour I’d very quickly shut that down or have another friends name lined up so there’s no chance of her jumping in and tell the hospital you want no visitors allowing in

RedMark · 27/04/2024 09:50

Op, you have to start saying no now. Take it from someone who knows, you will end up very bitter and resentful if you don't put a stop to this now.

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 27/04/2024 09:54

He is always going to put her first. Above you and above this and any other children.

Have a proper conversation with him about what things are like after a birth. Potentially midwife comito check stitches, if you are breastfeeding then cluster feeding and boobs out, difficulty moving. Do you really want to be relegated to the bedroom while they take over the house telling you what to do with your baby that may go against your instincts. Post birth is an incredibly emotional time with hormones all over the place and massive changes to your life. If he can't understand this and still says what mama wants goes, then you will know whether that is something you accept or go.

MimiGC · 27/04/2024 09:57

If MIL's friend also has family in the area she could stay with, then she should stay with them and so should MIL. They are very close friends and it is part of their culture to rock up when you haven't been invited, so there's no problem, right? That way they aren't imposing on you, but MIL is reasonably close by to bond with baby.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/04/2024 10:18

MimiGC · 27/04/2024 09:57

If MIL's friend also has family in the area she could stay with, then she should stay with them and so should MIL. They are very close friends and it is part of their culture to rock up when you haven't been invited, so there's no problem, right? That way they aren't imposing on you, but MIL is reasonably close by to bond with baby.

Perhaps the friend has a DIL who has put her foot down and said she needs to stay in a hotel.

LAMPS1 · 27/04/2024 10:23

This situation has arisen either due to cultural norms for your husband’s family or due to an overbearing MIL.
The first needs a bit of understanding for sure but even so, she has to remember that this is your country, your baby and your wishes that count above her own. Her cultural norms don't over-ride yours and it is for you to decide how much of hers you are ready to include in your family life going forward, but especially for the birth of your baby.

Not having your agreement about the timing of her visit is not OK. You should be able to decide the arrival and return dates.

Bringing an extra guest, guest rooms or not, without your specific invitation is not OK.

Deciding to stay for 3 months is not OK

Turning up at hospital uninvited is not OK

Preventing you from buying what you need for your baby is not OK.

Bulldozing you is not OK.

Your husband’s preference to blindly agree with his mother, against your wishes, is not OK.

All of this coercion has already spoilt your late pregnancy experience and is about to spoil your birth and bringing new baby home time.
Unless you act now.

OP, I fear your DH isn’t going to support you at all.
Therefore, please summon the courage to tell him you are going to speak to her yourself to tell her your wishes and expectations for her visit….. tell her the duration of her stay. No extra guests at all. And no hospital visits without your specific invitation. Tell her how things happen in your culture. All of this, she needs to know before she decides to get on the plane. She needs to know that you are firmly in charge of your own household.

If your DH over-rules you then I guess you will have to think about leaving him or at least separating until your baby has safely arrived and you are settled into a routine on your own.

I hope you have somewhere to go …your own parents will gladly take you in hopefully.

OP don’t allow yourself to become victim to this bullying if you aren’t comfortable with any aspect of it.

YANBU to ask him and her and her guest to stay elsewhere, as long as you have support.

Youtwodeserveoneanother · 27/04/2024 10:30

ButterCrackers · 27/04/2024 08:13

I can’t think of any culture that involves the partners mother staying for three months during the time her sons partner gives birth and her bringing a friend along without asking first? The two of them staying in the baby’s room. I certainly wouldn’t want this woman’s friend staying where my baby would be sleeping (or not sleeping 😁). Perhaps that’s an idea - install the cot in the spare room. Put your baby there during the night with you sleeping on the bed in this room. They can sleep in the sitting room area on inflatable mattresses. You can also be up and about in this room at night as you walk around with your baby. They’ll get no sleep. Not your problem.

Show quote history

That’s a good point. We had to sleep in separate rooms so at least one of us could get some sleep. We played musical beds for the first two years! Her DH will immediately regret not having a spare bedroom if she doesn’t get them to change plans.

dragonscannotswim · 27/04/2024 10:33

You have a massive dh problem. He doesn't want to say no to his mum as she will kick off, so you need to kick off more, so his easiest option is to keep you happy.

I'd set some boundaries right away, around who will be with you when you labour, your family seeing the baby too, and your mil booking her return ticket.

And you need to do this soon or your ok about, birth and your baby's first days and weeks will be ruined by your MIL, who sounds like a nightmare.

Was her MIL with her while she gave birth to dh? I bet she wasn't.

Not letting you buy things for the baby? She's bonkers, and you and dh are going to have to stand up to her.

diddl · 27/04/2024 10:49

He's very traditional?

How very fucking convenient!

If he won't tell them to stay elsewhere I'd be doing nothing/moving out.

He sounds an absolute dud.

She'll be disappointed not to see her GC first?

Pathetic!

Booksandflowers · 27/04/2024 10:51

You will at least be able to refuse her at the birth. The nurses won’t let her in if you say not to. Also they prob wouldn’t let 3 in anyway. I was questioned having two people with me.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/04/2024 11:01

diddl · 27/04/2024 10:49

He's very traditional?

How very fucking convenient!

If he won't tell them to stay elsewhere I'd be doing nothing/moving out.

He sounds an absolute dud.

She'll be disappointed not to see her GC first?

Pathetic!

I always find it so curious that these men who are so traditional when it comes to getting what they want are almost always having a baby outside of marriage.