MIL coming to stay with added extra

[Babycatsmummy]

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

No no no to them staying before baby is here. It doesn't sound like you are prepared to stand up to your dp on this so have a word with your midwife who can explain it to him in medical terms.

Feeling stressed and on edge can affect labour progressing. You are not a zoo attraction to be gawped at, you need to be feeling as relaxed and comfy as possible and that's not going to happen if you have two people you aren't comfy with in your immediate space. Would he feel OK pushing a melon out his arse with your mum and her mate watching his every move? No. If he still doesn't grasp it then you absolutely have to move out (or get him to) until baby is here. Baby's wellbeing comes before his mother's.

If you don't want them at the hospital all you need to do is have a discreet word with the midwife.

Afterwards, it's less easy to get them to bugger off unless you find your voice. So make sure they are taking care of you (and not just baby when they need a cuddle!!!), and if not, ask why on earth they came to stay and intrude on such a special time if not to make it easier.

Your op and updates all seem to be about your DP and his DM's wants and opinions.
Dp says, mil says, mil wants . . . .

You realise that you have a voice too, right?
Use it.
What are you worried about? Upsetting mil, she's not worried about upsetting you.
Upsetting DP, he's not worried about upsetting you.
Rocking the boat and ruining your relationship with DP, I'd say from your POV that's already ruined as he's not supporting you at your most vulnerable time.
I've read some batshit mil stuff on here but yours takes the biscuit.
Put your foot down with "D"P.
*Your DM is not staying here for three months & neither is her df.

• Your DM is not coming to the hospital when I go into labour, if she tries to I'll instruct the midwife not to let her in. *My birthing plan with my df is non negotiable. *Either you support me or you move out or I will, your choice. Tbh op I think I'd seriously have a rethink of your relationship, he doesn't have your back, he doesn't have your best interests at heart, he's Team DM. This won't end here, he's spineless, bollocks to "culture" he's frightened of his dm.

Ask your partner directly “why are your mums needs and wants more important than mine, when I’m the one having a baby” and see what his reply is. Then begin to communicate your needs and set boundaries. “I need to protect my space when I’m going to be very vulnerable after having given birth and being in recovery. Your mums friend will not be staying”. “I need to give birth with only those I have selected with me. Your mum will not be in the hospital when I’m in labour and I’ll be letting the midwifery staff know this is my wish”. I appreciate that may sound easier said than done but if you don’t set a precedent now it’s going to be really difficult in the future to set boundaries. Good luck!

I'd be off to stop with my mother while DH has a good hard think about who his priorities lay with.

cultural or not it’s her body. It’s her home too and one of the most significant times in her life. They live in the UK not Italy. He should be managing this better.

Not a zoo attraction nails it!!!

Your dh is a selfish prick.hes the biggest issue. I’d stay in bed and not move whilst they are there.

Agree.

Please go and stay with your mum. Give yourself a bit of space, but I hate to say it in this situation I’d also use it to take back some control. He’s doing whatever the fuck he likes, his mum is coming- when you push back there is no compromise she comes anyway.

Prove to him you have options and show him what the result is if he doesn’t listen and support his pregnant wife. Go and stay at your mums, when he asks how long for say it’s until you feel comfortable in your own home again and that means no friend there, no atmosphere and his mum needs a return flight booked. You want a firm agreement now that she won’t come to the hospital. I’d also tell the lovely hospital staff you don’t want her there.

OP I am furious on your behalf here. I don’t know what you will decide to do but the thought of a stranger staying in my house at that time is absolutely abhorrent to me. It’s such a vulnerable time.

The MIL would depend on what they are like. Nurturing, respectful and ready to roll their sleeves up and cook and clean etc then may be. It sounds as though your MIL is quite overbearing though.

Show your DP this thread may be?

I think a PP. who said that if you are worried about upsetting them then don’t be. They are not worried about upsetting you.

Im a bit disappointed your family are focusing on how difficult it will be for them to visit rather than on you.

Im sorry you are having to deal with this.

Im so glad your friend is going to be there. May be she could come and stay instead? MIL and her friend won’t fit then!

This is shocking. I don't think you should have to leave your home. MIL and friend should go to a Premier Inn, do as PP and nurseryfy the spare bedroom. Don't be bullied into accommodating others plans. Have your own plan, look after yourself. And don't worry about offending MIL, she is being outrageously selfish. Ffs.

I can’t think of any culture that involves the partners mother staying for three months during the time her sons partner gives birth and her bringing a friend along without asking first? The two of them staying in the baby’s room. I certainly wouldn’t want this woman’s friend staying where my baby would be sleeping (or not sleeping 😁). Perhaps that’s an idea - install the cot in the spare room. Put your baby there during the night with you sleeping on the bed in this room. They can sleep in the sitting room area on inflatable mattresses. You can also be up and about in this room at night as you walk around with your baby. They’ll get no sleep. Not your problem.

Your DP is such a sorry wet lettuce. He needs to tell them no!

In light of the new information, please go and stay with your family for the period of the birth and immediate recovery.

Yes absolutely this if it's in any way feasible. Eg would you still be near the hospital you're due to give birth in? Could your family help move you and the baby's things to their house?

You are being bullied and imposed on at a time you are most vulnerable instead of being supported by your partner.

Once his mother and her friend come and cuckoo in your home you will have lost all control of your wants, needs and in such a small home, your privacy. And don't be surprised if they want control of you around the time you're giving birth and immediately afterwards too. So advise your midwife that you don't want MIL and her friend anywhere near you in the hospital and also, given how uncaring your partner sounds, consider having your mother as your birthing partner instead of him, so you have someone who will properly advocate for you. 🌹

Yup. Who the fuck does he think he is to expect you to just put up with this when you're about to give birth?

YANBU

Random houseguest while heavily pregnant, no thanks.

I’d also probably push for the MIL to not come / come later still. I wouldn’t want someone staying while going into labour, it’s an intrusion of privacy IMO.

I'm quite a private person and this would be an absolute no from me and would have been a major issue if my husband pushed it. For so many reasons.

You could be in early labour at home for hours and will want privacy.

You will be recovering and trying to establish feeding and shouldnt have to think about what bits of you are hanging out or leaking at any given time. I had low milk supply and for the early weeks I was constantly either feeding or pumping to build up supply, it was a tough time and would have really impacted me to have to work around guests. I would have rarely left the bedroom.

Our spare room was often useful in the early days. For one of us to get a couple of hours sleep when we were taking turns during a difficult night, or for my husband to get some sleep when he went back to work and I was doing a lot of night feeds. If you're in a small two bed it's also good for storage - babies come with a lot of equipment and also in the early days when people were arriving with gifts it was quite overwhelming to have to sort through and spilt clothes into age ranges etc - absolutely a first world problem and I was very grateful, but I was glad to have somewhere to just store things until we could get around to them.

Op id be very temped to move to my family. Is this an option?

This is appalling and would be totally non negotiable in my eyes.

Even with the kindest most sensitive mil in the world your partner is putting two women and a baby crushed together for months at the most difficult time for a new mum..

You need time alone to bond and do things you want too and relax it's not good enough.

Either say no, or move out.

I’ve got an Italian husband. Luckily I gave birth in the UK, and DH family visited a couple of weeks later.

In Italy, as soon as the woman goes into hospital it’s quite normal for the whole family to head over and wait with her. You’ll often see either the mother, or MIL, sitting in the room with the new mother. Partly because there’s a lack of after care (at least down our way) so the family will bring food in and help. The babies aren’t roomed in either, but just brought to the mother for feeding.

I can distinctly remember my MIL trying to ‘help’ me breastfeed and my cringing away from her in horror!

In short, if your DP insists on her coming, and is such a mammone that he won’t stand up to her, you’d be better moving to your family for the duration. You shouldn’t have to, but I think it’ll be better for your mental health. Bear in mind you will have years of this to come.

It sounds like in this situation you just have to say no, no expectations or anything, flat no...

Any issues will also clearly be your fault.

All these people saying leave it to him to host. Most Italian Mums I know would take over and do everything and the sons will happily let them, so it won’t be a chore for him, in fact he’d enjoy it.

The only way is to say no and if they still come go elsewhere.

I thought it was bad enough having FIL descend on us 2 weeks PP for 2 weeks after baby 1 then both mil & fil again 2 weeks pp after baby number 2. And we had a big house, I couldn’t imagine 4 adults 2 dominating women and a new baby in a 2 bed flat.

Definitely seek sanctuary elsewhere.

Chill.

The friend is only going to be there for a few days. Mil, presumably, is coming to help. You don't need to look after anyone. She is coming to look after you.

@PerfectTravelTote 🤣🤣

Op I doesn't want looking after, she doesn't want mil, she doesn't want bf she doesn't want accompany to the hospital and she's not wanting anyone in her space.

Your DP and his mum are being rude AF. Not acceptable at all and really not a good sign at this time in your lives he's taking his mum side. MIL shouldn't even be there when you're heavily pregnant if you don't want her their, let alone a stranger. You shouldn't have to leave but do you have somewhere else you can stay? Not what you need but if you don't push back against this they're going to continue pulling this shit.

She doesn't want her MIL in her space. How is this difficult to understand?

You don't invite yourself to stay at someone's house whether you think they need help or not.

You especially don't invite yourself and a friend to stay at someone's house.

You especially don't do this when that someone is having a baby.