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Original poster

MIL coming to stay with added extra

567 replies

Babycatsmummy · 26/04/2024 19:12

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

OP posts:
Thatnameistaken · 29/04/2024 19:52

Well done OP! Believe me you only want positivity around you in the delivery room, you don't need a sulky mummy's boy mumping around.
Your birth partner sounds amazing, let this week be all about you and your baby, they have a fantastic mum.
Hope all goes smoothly.

Cm19841 · 29/04/2024 19:54

Please listen to other posters who have mentioned about the birth certificate. I really urge you to not put his surname on the certificate, at the very least give the baby your surname. Keep your child with your name.

Your partner has shown you who he is and who he prioritizes. The whole description, overbearing nature of his family, the way they have invaded your space, your home, your life. All when you are vulnerable... and your partner let them and he took this away from you, this peaceful special time, and is trying to give it to his mother.

I really speak from experience, do not let them near your baby! Now is the time to be strong and decide what you want and how it will be.

Bookworm1111 · 29/04/2024 19:54

Babycatsmummy · 29/04/2024 19:49

Nope I'm not going too, last time she was here i made it clear what my intentions were when it came to my maternity leave and how DP paternity leave would be spent. Fell On deaf ears I know however DP should have been on my team from the start and not gone behind my back and booked her tickets etc.

Hang on, she knew she'd be imposing and went ahead and booked anyway?! God, she sounds awful. I can just see her now, passing your newborn round to her friends like its pass the parcel. I think you should stay put at your birthing partner's house and if you do decide to let her visit, make sure she comes on her own and not with an entourage.

wednesdayaffairnc · 29/04/2024 19:57

I'm absolutely aghast at his actions. You had no choice but to leave. Thank god for your friend.
He is not a good man op, I'm so sorry.

Is it his flat?

Winningatpatriachychicken · 29/04/2024 20:00

OP you sound brave and strong and fabulous.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/04/2024 20:12

You've made good choices OP. But what a terrible situation. I don't think it would be forgivable for me.

MadKittenWoman · 29/04/2024 20:52

I have Italian heritage and do not recognise this as cultural. I would tell her that inviting herself and a friend to stay while you give birth is a 'brutta figura'. See what she thinks of that.

Youtwodeserveoneanother · 29/04/2024 21:16

Babycatsmummy · 29/04/2024 14:20

Sorry guys for the late response, I've just caught up with all of your lovely messages.

I've been at my birthing partners since Saturday afternoon as MIL arrived Sunday and DP ( just to confirm we aren't married and after this I don't think we ever will be 🫢) and I were just constantly bickering so whilst he went out I pretty much just got some essentials and went. Of course he's extremely pissed at me, my birthing partner messaged him a very colourful email telling him how she disappointed she is with his behaviour and that first and foremost I should be his priority etc etc. as far as I'm aware he didn't respond but I didn't think he would as he probably has his tail between his legs.

He's messaged me asking me to come home, but I politely declined and said the damage has been done, I wasn't making false threats just to get my own way, I genuinely felt so overwhelmed and anxious I just couldn't stay. I had to get away to decompress and actually I'm in a better headspace and the thought of coming back at the moment to him and his mum gets me angry again so unless he's sorted out alternative arrangements for her then I'm not going back.

Turns out she's pretty much already taken over... I have a ring camera and could see she had my bedroom apart cleaning everything and I had to disconnect myself from it as I could feel myself boiling.

DP informed me she is using our flat as a meeting point for her friends also and they are all coming over this evening for dinner so I just told him to enjoy himself because I most definitely am!

I have also informed him as of this moment in time, I have no plans to let him know when I go into labour as I don't want to be worried about fuss at the hospital, especially as his mum now knows I have a birthing partner that isn't her. He was of course very unhappy about this and I just said well you know what you need to do don't you?

Baby is due now and I'm getting a few warning signs he's on his way so DP doesn't have much time to figure out where his priority is. Part of me really hopes he grows a pair and pulls through though because as much as he's been an ass, it's still his baby too and I would feel terrible if he missed the birth.

They are all coming over for dinner? Is that because you aren’t there or was this the plan anyway. Either way…WTF?!

So glad you are with your ‘found family’. She sounds amazing. Marry her! You are so strong. Don’t let him grind you down.

I honestly can’t believe the cheek of this woman.

Ketzele · 29/04/2024 21:30

Oh love, I wish you all the best for a calm birth.

Newestname002 · 29/04/2024 21:32

DoreenonTill8 · 29/04/2024 18:11

How soon after birth can you apply for a passport, to make sure they don't?!

As soon as you have the birth certificate I think. That info is probably on the www.Gov.uk website. 🌹

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 29/04/2024 21:36

Good for you ! on being strong and sticking to your guns and thus moving out.

He has not told his mother the full story / the reason you are not there.

Alwaysalwayscold · 29/04/2024 21:43

OP I am so happy you have left. If he doesn't choose the birth of his baby over his fucking mother then I genuinely couldn't ever see or speak to him again.

Londonrach1 · 29/04/2024 21:44

Good luck op with your birth and birthing partner...please don't put the mummy boys name on the birth certificate...you got this ..you going to be amazing mum

MsCactus · 29/04/2024 22:06

You are incredible OP. Well done for going to your birth partner's house, putting you and your baby first.

Despicable behaviour from your DP! He should be ashamed

TiredCatLady · 29/04/2024 22:23

Massive love to you OP for having the strength to throw your arms in the air and say “fuck this” and follow through.
Your ‘D’P is an arse and his mother is a (insert your own expletive). As others have said, don’t tell him you’re in labour and don’t put him on the birth certificate because ‘twattery’. If she’s like this now she will be 1000 times worse when the baby is here.
Wishing you a calm and smooth birth with your lovely birthing partner at your side and sending huge hugs (not sure still what a mumsnet hug is or a non mumsnet hug but yeah I’d stand guard at the door and send MIL unceremoniously packing if that’s what it means)

Codlingmoths · 29/04/2024 22:27

I’m so pleased you are in a safe space to go into labour without the stress of your mil around or will she follow you to the hospital.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/04/2024 22:41

The behaviour of both the DP and the MIL is soooo extreme. Its hard to imagine people putting a heavily pregnant woman under so much stress she has to leave her own home and not even recognising that they are in the wrong.

You made the right choice for your own health and the health of your baby.
So glad you have a strong and supportive birthing partner and that you had the strength to ensure that you have a relatively peaceful time in the run up to the birth.
Just focus on getting through this, everything else can wait. Wishing you and your baby all the very best.

Who is down as your "next of kin" on your medical notes?

SwordToFlamethrower · 29/04/2024 23:57

If I was your DP mother and I arrived at your home, thinking I was actually welcome to be there and then it turned out I wasn't at all, and my dil was full of anxiety and wanted to be alone, you know who I would be angry at?

My son!!! I would be ripping him a new arsehole and making him wish he had never been born for not prioritising his pregnant partner. I would leave a card saying how sorry I am that I had stressed her out and get on the first plane home.

Communication is clearly broken in your relationship. DP thinks his way is the only way and your wants aren't important. He is learning the hard way isn't he.

Glad you're somewhere loved and safe op.

SwordToFlamethrower · 30/04/2024 00:01

Don't put him on the birth certificate either

T1Dmama · 30/04/2024 00:24

SwordToFlamethrower · 29/04/2024 23:57

If I was your DP mother and I arrived at your home, thinking I was actually welcome to be there and then it turned out I wasn't at all, and my dil was full of anxiety and wanted to be alone, you know who I would be angry at?

My son!!! I would be ripping him a new arsehole and making him wish he had never been born for not prioritising his pregnant partner. I would leave a card saying how sorry I am that I had stressed her out and get on the first plane home.

Communication is clearly broken in your relationship. DP thinks his way is the only way and your wants aren't important. He is learning the hard way isn't he.

Glad you're somewhere loved and safe op.

But this isn’t an ordinary mother… she abandoned her son when he was young and moved to another country!
She is all about herself…. It’s what she wants and she doesn’t care about her son or about OP… she just wants to make this birth about her!… she wants to be in the birth whether OP wants that or not, SHE wants to stay for 4 months (no respect for the new parents!)
She was told by OP that she didn’t want guests till after his paternity leave but came anyway…. Because SHE wants to meet the baby first… she’s an arse hole!!

T1Dmama · 30/04/2024 00:30

Glad you’re ok @Babycatsmummy.

If you do invite him to attend the birth make it very clear you’ll have him removed if he turns up with his mother!!
and yes, you need to research about having his name on the birth certificate… might protect you and baby more if you don’t put him on it… as sad as that is he at least won’t be able to apply for a passport or take baby without your permission. Maybe someone can do the research into this for you to save you the stress??….
I can not believe he has allowed you to move out and has done nothing to get you to come home … he should be asking his mum to stay elsewhere and putting her in her place about coming to the hospital etc!
Wishing you all the best with the delivery and beyond x

Buffs · 30/04/2024 01:02

Whatsitcalled38 · 29/04/2024 17:28

How bloody amazing you are! And what a wonderful birthing partner you have.

I'm sure he's thoroughly enjoying being the sole host of his mother and all her friends! I can't believe any mother would treat another mothers home like this during such a time. We're supposed to look after eachother especially when we know what you're going through.

To push you put of your home and invade your bedroom, invite strangers into your space during your nesting period is appalling. If I showed up to visit someone and found out they were so upset by my visit that they'd left their own home I'd feel so guilty and ashamed, I wouldn't take the opportunity to have a bloody parry in their house.

You've shown him he can't treat you like this. Now either he steps up and sorts his shit out or you're better off without him. Imagine him telling this story to his pals trying to garner sympathy "I invited my mother to stay with us for 3 months when my girlfriend was due to give birth, despite her asking me not to. She invited her friend, when I refused to tell her she couldn't invite people to stay in our home my girlfriend left to stay elsewhere. I even asked her to come back but she refused becuase my mum had decided to invite more friends round to our house and I still wouldn't kick any of them out. So now my girlfriend is staying at her friend's house waiting to give birth without me and I'm having to host my mum and all her friends when I had planned to go out and my heavily pregnant girlfriend host them" oh boohoo!

This!

Cygnetmad · 30/04/2024 07:27

can I just say how I admire your strength. Good on you!

What is the living situation with the DP? Rented, owned? who ownes what?

diddl · 30/04/2024 07:28

Hope all is going ok Op.

cheddercherry · 30/04/2024 07:40

I have in laws with Italian heritage and it’s 100% not cultural as a reason for both of their absurd behaviour. I’m horrified for you that you’ve found out that your partner will never put you first at such a difficult and stressful time. I’m so happy you’ve got yourself in a better space before baby comes and that you have support around you. You’re bringing this baby into the world yourself and you can raise them with security and love yourself too. The fact he won’t have one conversation with his mother over missing the birth of his first child tells you absolutely everything about who he prioritises.