MIL coming to stay with added extra

[Babycatsmummy]

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

You’re doing a great job of advocating for yourself and setting boundaries op. I hope your partner reflects on his actions and priorities and acts accordingly. If he doesn’t then he has made your next steps very easy. Wishing you a lovely birth experience.

My DH and I both said something to both SIL and MIL at the time. SIL’s DH agreed with us and told them both those pictures needed to be removed from the book and never shown to anyone, especially their son. I don’t know what they did with the book for a while because we don’t live anywhere near them and we limit visits. Nephew ended up with the book after SIL’s DH passed away. Those pictures are still in the book as of our last visit about a year ago.

This is a drop in the bucket of the problematic behaviors of my in-laws. We try to mind our business and live our lives with as little contact with them as possible. We keep a line of communication with nephew with the hope that if he ever needs us, he will reach out. Nephew and I text about books he is reading (he is unschooled and very isolated) and I encourage him towards material that represents healthy families with good boundaries.

'Turns out she's pretty much already taken over... I have a ring camera and could see she had my bedroom apart cleaning everything and I had to disconnect myself from it as I could feel myself boiling.

DP informed me she is using our flat as a meeting point for her friends also and they are all coming over this evening for dinner so I just told him to enjoy himself because I most definitely am! '

I would end it immediately with him. How dare he let her go through your bedroom, personal belongings etc

As for inviting her friends round, well that's downright disgusting and shows what an utter drip and wet wipe of a partner he is.

This has crossed all lines of reasonable behaviour.

Yanbu. That be my idea of hell and tbh it's vvvvv rude of someone to do that.

Disgusting that she is invading your personal space especially your bedroom. Who does that

OP I just wanted to drop in and give you an enormous cheer.

Don't worry about whether or not he's there for the birth. If he isn't it's entirely because of the decisions he's made, so enjoy your time with the little one and leave him to his mummy.

You've always known where his priorities lie, but this has blown them right out of the woodwork. I don't know if you can come back from it, or if you would want to.

You are a freaking rockstar OP. So impressed with you. Your partner is extremely unreasonable, i hope he finds his mind and balls, if not missing the birth of his child is on him. . Keep breathing . We are rooting for you

I can't believe your MIL thought it was ok to stay with you when you have a new baby in a 2 bed flat! Let alone being someone with her!!
I hope all is well with you and your birth, unfortunately I cannot imagine your partner will ever see you as a priority, and your MIL is itching to take over with the baby.

I'm actually a little blown away by your strength OP! I think you've done exactly the right thing, even though this whole situation must be so hard.

Thank goodness you got away. Hopefully he'll grow a pair?

OP I was so relieved when I read the update that you’d gone to stay with your friend. Thank goodness you have somewhere safe and comfortable to be and someone who’s truly got your back to be with. There are going to be some tough decisions to be made at some point, but for now just focus on yourself and your baby.

It sounds as if your DP and his mother very have a complicated and dysfunctional relationship. Reading your update (the bit about her going through your things and inviting her friends over to host them in your flat) makes me wonder if being there for the baby is actually her main agenda after all. She arrived to find you had moved out and instead of showing any kind of concern for you/the baby/ the difficult situation she had caused, she made herself comfortable and invited her mates over. She seems quite happy taking over your space, maybe keeping her son firmly attached to her apron strings at a time when he should be focusing on his new little family unit is why she’s really here.

For now just focus on looking after yourself and your baby. Keeping everything crossed that the birth goes smoothly things work out for you.

Well done, OP. That can't have been easy. You have done the right thing and the only thing you could have done.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for a drama-free delivery and its reward, a lovely baby in your arms.

Three cheers for your birthing partner too!

If this is what he's like and allows his mother to do to you and your mental health/privacy of your own home/care of your own body during your first pregnancy....imagine what a future of DP and her would hold😳 gulp.
I'm so glad to have ur birthing partner and friend. All the best with ur baby. Xxxxx

Spot on! Just shows how utterly despicable he is, causing the mother of his child to be forced out her own home at a time like this.
That poor OP.
Imagine not being able to have peace in your own home to have a baby. And the support of your partner..💔💔💔💔

He's hoping that nonna will look after him.

Go to your Mum's and be pampered.

Please think long and hard about not putting his name on the Birth Certificate as I think you will be having an uphill struggle from now on with your partner and his entitled mother!!!!!

Honestly, I don't think I could come back from this lack of respect. I would be seriously limiting the amount of time MIL gets with the baby. Actions have consequences.

Thank you so much everybody. It has been difficult moving from my own safe space, I pretty much had everything how I wanted it for the baby and I and although I feel a bit in limbo at the moment I'm definitely happier and not stressed about anything!

DP said his mother is asking him why have I left where have I gone etc and I said " I bet you haven't told her the truth though have you??" I'm still waiting for his response!

I definitely never thought I would end up doing anything like this, but sometimes you just have to put yourself first and see the bigger picture. Life never does work out how we want it too! For now I'm just taking things day by day as I'd like to have a completely stress free birth.

Thank you all again for being so lovely

Blimey,I don’t think I’d be able to forgive the fiancé after this! Inviting her mates over! Turning your room over to clean and your fiancé not telling her to book elsewhere? Absolutely insane. I’d be going no contact.

Are you going to tell her??

I'm so sorry OP but he is not a partner, he is a 'mummy's boy'.

He has clearly shown you where his priorities and respect lies and it's not with you. You will never come first and it will never change.

You're better off you on your own without the added stress of having these pricks in your life.

She shouldn't have to. He needs to own his mistake and for lacking the balls to stand up to his mother.

Absolutely agree, but I can’t see it happening!

I bet he's told his Momma a right pack of bullshit.

Can you text her, I would - 'I won't be returning until my home is free of guests/visitors, and put back the way I arranged it.'

Nope I'm not going too, last time she was here i made it clear what my intentions were when it came to my maternity leave and how DP paternity leave would be spent. Fell On deaf ears I know however DP should have been on my team from the start and not gone behind my back and booked her tickets etc.