MIL coming to stay with added extra

[Babycatsmummy]

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

Well done op! Good luck over the coming day, just put you and bubs first xx

Huge well done for going and I’m glad you can recognise you feel better out of there. I’d sadly think if he hasn’t kicked his mum out by now, and is letting her go through your bedroom and invite friends over in your absence, then he’s not going to change. It’s not like she has no where to go. Ask them to leave the flat or if you know when he’s at work go and get everything you need. The car seat/pram etc and baby clothes and anything you need: if not send your lovely friend.

Courage OP and stay strong. Well done for putting yourself - and your baby - first. Everything will work out in the long run and on your terms! All the best for the birth.

I can't imagine the kind of mentality that thinks turning a heavily pregnant woman's 2 bed flat into your own personal hosting/party space, days before she goes into labour is appropriate. The fact that she's continued and your partner has done nothing even after you've left speaks volumes. What an actual witch.

I'm so pleased you're somewhere safe and your BP has your back.

Well done for standing up for yourself! Wishing you the smoothest possible labour and birth, and wonderful baby cuddles.

How bloody amazing you are! And what a wonderful birthing partner you have.

I'm sure he's thoroughly enjoying being the sole host of his mother and all her friends! I can't believe any mother would treat another mothers home like this during such a time. We're supposed to look after eachother especially when we know what you're going through.

To push you put of your home and invade your bedroom, invite strangers into your space during your nesting period is appalling. If I showed up to visit someone and found out they were so upset by my visit that they'd left their own home I'd feel so guilty and ashamed, I wouldn't take the opportunity to have a bloody parry in their house.

You've shown him he can't treat you like this. Now either he steps up and sorts his shit out or you're better off without him. Imagine him telling this story to his pals trying to garner sympathy "I invited my mother to stay with us for 3 months when my girlfriend was due to give birth, despite her asking me not to. She invited her friend, when I refused to tell her she couldn't invite people to stay in our home my girlfriend left to stay elsewhere. I even asked her to come back but she refused becuase my mum had decided to invite more friends round to our house and I still wouldn't kick any of them out. So now my girlfriend is staying at her friend's house waiting to give birth without me and I'm having to host my mum and all her friends when I had planned to go out and my heavily pregnant girlfriend host them" oh boohoo!

Good luck with the birth of your baby.

What a wonderful strong woman you are OP.Delighted to read your updates.

Your MIL sounds an utter nightmare,cannot believe how selfish she is! Surely she should move to a hotel now,seeing the upset she is causing.

I lived In Italy for years,with an English husband,some of my friends with Italian MIL’s would tell amazing stories about them! Yours fits in nicely with those.

Well done in standing up for yourself! That takes guts. What's really staggering though is that, knowing what her behaviour has triggered, MIL hasn't gathered herself and her friend and her belongings and decamped to a friend/relative's house or a hotel to give you the space you've asked for. She really doesn't give a shit does she! To echo PP, I would definitely be making sure your maternity team is aware she is not allowed anywhere near you while giving birth. And you mustn't blame yourself if your DP misses it either - he has 100% brought this on himself.

DP informed me she is using our flat as a meeting point for her friends also and they are all coming over this evening for dinner so I just told him to enjoy himself because I most definitely am!

There’s a difference between ‘cultural differences’ and monumentally bad manners. I do hope the MIL gets to know exactly WHY the OP is missing

All the best wishes for the birth of your baby. I’d consider as well not putting the biological father’s name on the birth certificate so that his mother doesn’t get grip on your baby. He has not acted in support of your child and this doesn’t bode well for the future imho. I don’t know the legal aspect of this though. Get advice on housing and also if you rent the flat kicking these losers out of your place. If you rent jointly then give notice on your part of the rental contract and utilities. Your birthing partner sounds a good person. I’m grateful that they are there for you and your baby.

It’s good you have such a supportive friend when the father doesn’t understand his priorities.

I am in awe. You will be the most magnificent mother to your child. Wishing you a safe and calm delivery and sincerely hope that your MIL buggers off back to Italy without seeing you or your beautiful baby.

as for your DP that’s a conundrum for another day.

I would love to have been a fly on th wall when MIL arrived to find you gone @Babycatsmummy
Well done for showing that you meant what you said.

To push you put of your home and invade your bedroom, invite strangers into your space during your nesting period is appalling. If I showed up to visit someone and found out they were so upset by my visit that they'd left their own home I'd feel so guilty and ashamed, I wouldn't take the opportunity to have a bloody parry in their house.

However, the MIL may think she and her friends are welcome -because her son has told her so!

How soon after birth can you apply for a passport, to make sure they don't?!

Well done.You have done the best for you and your baby by getting out of a stressful situation and also showing your DP and his mother you won’t be walked over.That puts the ground work in place for future.
Now just relax.

Op good luck!!

It's amazing you have been able to escape to this sanctuary and well done birthing partner.
I'm amazed mil hadn't been at fhe door yet wondering what's going on.

Be completely open and honest with mil if you see her, that you were not happy and that's that.
Baby and mum come first.

@RampantIvy maybe she doesn't realise yet? It seams like she is cleaning etc

Well done op for standing up for yourself.
Let's wait until mil gets her party over and see what happens when they realise what they missed. She'll look crazy when her friends ask her so where's the grandchild you came here for... Definitely right decision on not informing dp about the birth. This all sounds ridiculous and I would not blame it all on culture but just blantant personality disorder of mil and mummy issues at dp. Was he traumatised as a kid? (oh yes , read it now he has grown separated from his mum, so psychological issues here, there you go)
My Italian mil would not even dream of this type of behaviour. She'd talk about her own evil mil and had taken vows to behave differently to her daughter in law. She did and I absolutely love her. She does comment on my house which makes me mad though :D but you just deal with it, joke, tell her she's crazy, or ignore it... Anyway, wishing you all the best, it will be ok..

can you stay at the birthing partner for a while whilst you figure things out? Mil/friend and DP are completely out of order. Your DP has made clear where his priorities are - it's not you and that baby otherwise he would have arranged for Mil to leave. My ex was a Mediterranean man with a dominant mum. I can assure you that once the baby is born, it all gets worse. It was a real trigger point in our relationship. At least he has shown who he really is. I would plan the future without him. Men like him are not able to change. The need to please their mums is too deeply engrained on their DNA.

Wow, huge well done for following through and leaving the pair of them to it! Best of luck with the birth

Hi OP, been following your thread since the start. I am also due any day now and was utterly gobsmacked at what your 'D' P and MIL are putting you through at such a time!!!!

I just read your update and cheered out loud! Just to echo what PPs have said - you are an absolute HERO, well done for staying so strong, what a bloody brilliant role model you are for your little one. Good luck, will be thinking of you over the coming weeks xxx

Best of luck with the birth OP, and big 👏👏👏 to your birthing partner they are a rock star.

I cannot believe DP and his mother are so shameless are forcing a heavily pregnant woman out of her own home.

Brilliant OP, when you are having a baby and when baby is young...you and your comfort come first. Your partner just needs to realise that, I hope he works it out. You are not unreasonable in any way. Good luck with the birth.