MIL coming to stay with added extra

[Babycatsmummy]

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

I would tell him bluntly that if he wants to be informed when you’re in labour he needs to tell MIL to leave today.

You have been so strong at such a tough time, I am in awe of you!

Hope the birth goes swiftly and splendidly!

Don't feel terrible if he misses the birth.

It won't matter one way or the other.

You have to think of yourself.

Wishing you all the best babycatsmummy. Hope it all goes well for you.

Good luck with it all OP,I wouldn't worry about him missing the birth,it wasn't you who put him in this position.

He is an absolute arsehole 😡 however, you know where you stand and can plan accordingly. Did you take the baby things you will need?
As far as the birth goes, you could wait until you were settled in at the hospital and inform him, let the midwives know the situation and have your amazing friend stand guard. Though if he actually turned up with his mother that would be next level. At least you would know you had given him every opportunity. I cannot believe him though. He has not even attempted to show you he cares. Well done for standing your ground. If need be will your friend put you and baby up for the full 3 months? You can't go back to that house OP, it would wreck you me tally when you should be enjoying your baby.

Fingers crossed he does the right thing. If he doesn't, remember to let the labour suite know that no other guests are welcome besides your birthing partner as I suspect his DM will try to force her way onto the ward if not the actual birthing room!

Also, hope you tore him a new one for allowing his DM to go into your private space and rearrange everything as if it is her house. It's your home, I'm raging for you 😤

I hope the birth goes well, I have no doubt your birthing partner will make sure you are looked after

Firstly you are amazing! Well done handling it the way you have....you must be worried but I think this will show you who your partner truly is.

The fact that she is in your bedroom pulling it apart is actually unsurprising...what a horrible invasion of your private space and probably a good clear visual of all that you were in store for had you have stayed!
I'm so pleased you have said no to all this nonsense. X
Keep your boundaries clear and try to enjoy the run up to the birth as much as you can x all the best

Well done for prioritising your needs OP, you have done the right thing. And his mother's reaction to all this just proves it. Never mind the fact that a decent person would not have bombarded you the way she has, but the minute she arrived and saw you were not there if she in any way cared about you she would have tried to make it right. As it is she is trying to erase your presence from your own house and using it as an opportunity to have her mates over!

I don't think this is a territorial dispute you can (or should want to) win. They clearly have a very dysfunctional relationship that is set to continue.

The most important thing to focus on now is the birth, but in your shoes I would also update my family and social circle on the events so that he cannot twist things and they won't ask awkward questions in the coming weeks while you prepare for the birth. Make sure you have everything you need from the house and get yourself fully set up and then put your feet up.

Let him spend the rest of his life trying to make mummy happy.

I'd pack my bags and go and stay with my own mum! Your MIL is a CF and your (D)H is enabling her! MIL isn't a close friend of yours, and you're the one giving birth!

Glad you are with your birthing partner now @Babycatsmummy and away from your partner and his Mum. Stay strong and don't let him know when the baby is actually on its way or this Mother will also turn up at the hospital

Good on you. You did the right thing. I'm in awe! Good luck with the birth. I hope DH cops on and does the right thing by you.

@Babycatsmummy

Well done for moving to your friend/birthing partner's home and for the calm and decisive way you are dealing with your idiot, unsupportive "partner". He now needs to deal with his mummy and the trailing friend. Hopefully you managed to get everything out if your home for you and the baby that you needed - and have enough funds for the next few weeks/months (maybe transfer 50% from any joint accounts, including savings into a bank account solely for you, that he can't access.

A couple of bits of housekeeping whilst you can:

• Let your maternity team know that the ONLY person to have access to you and your baby in the maternity ward and, most importantly birthing room, is your birthing partner friend, who can advocate for you. You cannot trust your "DP" to advocate for you here when you are so vulnerable
• If your salary goes into a shared/joint account, ensure they have the new bank details if you open a new, personal online account;
• get on to CMS so that he starts paying child maintenance for the new baby ASAP. CMS can liaise with him with minimum effort from you
• ensure you claim child benefit and that it goes into your own personal bank account. This will benefit YOU for National Insurance and State Pension benefits

Very good luck to you and your baby my dear and to a happy, stable future. 🌹

Unfortunately I haven't spoken to my own mum for a very long time. She is an addict and I wasn't bought up by a Mum and a Dad. I've had counselling etc for it as I did have a very dysfunctional childhood but the people who did raise me did their very best to ensure it was as normal as possible when my mother wasn't around.

I did wonder at first if I was over reacting at first as I didn't have a relationship with my mum and thought maybe this is a normal thing?? But then soon realised it was not.

My birthing partner has been in my life for a very long time, and is a wonderful person so I'm extremely grateful to have her by my side 🩷

I'm so sorry it's reached this point but bloody hell, well done for actually following through with what you told him would happen. You've centred your needs which is exactly what should have been happening from the start. It sounds like you are now in a good place, with someone supportive, where you can focus on what you and the baby need.

I'm sure your shitty 'partner' and his nightmare mum will try to frame it as you keeping him away from his child but stay focused. It's not that at all, it's about you doing what is for the best for the two of you, because he is chosing not to.
On a practical level do you have, or could you brilliant friend help you get hold of, all the baby gubbins if you end up staying there longer term and after the baby arrives?
Best of luck with it all and a big cheer for your friend for stepping up like this. What an incredibly person to have in your coner.

Well done and good for you! The MIL’s behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. Keep us posted.

Only half joking, has MIL even noticed you're not there while she's so busy organising get togethers with her friends? Anyway well done on getting out - you've got this and deserve a stress free birth.

What a prick. Has he ever read a pregnancy book? Does he realise you're at the end stages of growing an entire human being inside you and you're knackered and vulnerable?

Pack a suitcase and go back to your parents for a while. You need calm, safety and comfort. You matter!

It's probably for the best that it has happened now rather than you being miserable at home with her holding court & also worrying about drama at the hospital.

Your not MIL is (imo) very, very rude for coming when you didn't want her to & bringing a friend unasked.

That was the point at which she should obviously have booked herself a hotel without needing to be told/asked.

Never mind has Op's partner read a pregnancy book-have you read the Op's posts??

I have
t read the other replies but you need to put your foot down NOW.

“No MIL, you bringing your friend doesn’t work
for me. Yes I know she’s your friend but I don’t know her. She can’t come and stay.”

Nip this in the bud.

I hope you're doing OK OP. Well done for having the strength to put yourself, your health and your baby first. Your "D"P should be ashamed of himself - in his 30s and can't stand up to Mummy? How embarrassing for him.

Well done @Babycatsmummy you have shown great strength and determination. Don’t back down and the v best of luck with the birth.🤞🏻

One of my dear friends is Italian. She would not accept this. In any case culture does not trump the feelings of a pregnant mother about her own home. I'm so glad you've put your foot down!

Just wanted to add another "well done" to the list, and wish you and the new baby all the best.

So glad you have this lovely friend in your life and that you've taken control. You're going to be a great mum!