MIL coming to stay with added extra

[Babycatsmummy]

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

Nope. The three of them would be staying elsewhere. No way is anyone going to be staying at my home without my expressed invite.

@Babycatsmummy Omg I'm livid at the utter fucking nerve of your DP!! How fucking dare he do this and expect you to put up with it all! Definitely leave for space and he can deal with the consequences of his decisions that he made without consulting you.

OP don't feel any guilt or doubts about putting your foot down your DP clearly doesn't give a fuck about your feelings and neither does MIL either so don't consider theirs they are piss taking cheeky fuckers!

Also you are not selfish your DH and MIL are but when it comes to the birth you being the patient is in charge of who is present. After hearing how badly my sister was treated by her in laws after she gave birth to my nephew I'm firmly of the opinion that the woman giving birth calls the shots and everyone else can fuck off.

I think you should bluntly tell your partner that when he is pushing a baby out of his vagina he gets a say in who is present and since it will be you what you want and say goes and's that's no MIL and tell him either he tells her or you will. Tell your midwife you don't want MIL there and they will keep her out you are their paitent your wishes and needs come first for them not DP and his Norma Bates for a mother.

Also OP you will need strong boundaries with both MIL and your partner once baby comes she will no doubt take full advantage of how vulnerable you'll likely feel and will try to take over. If she takes baby and walks off take them back don't argue just say give me my baby please and repeat. Any boundaries that are tested assert yourself don't feel bad any of this granny needs to bond nonsense say "mums bond is more important isn't it? After all DP you and your mum have bond" throw his own words at him he can't argue with that and get a lock on your bedroom door to stop her barging in. That would really piss me off if my own mother did that never mind a MIL! Good luck OP please keep us updated.

There's definitely a cultural difference, but it's theirs to deal with not yours as you're the one having the baby, not them! This should be on your terms.

These are precious times ahead that you'll never get back. Please don't let her ruin it for you as it sounds like she might. You'll need to be really firm about how YOUR baby is going to be cared for.

I look at it this way, one of you is going to be upset/offended about how the baby is looked after. Don't let that person be you x

@crazeelala2u you are a very rare breed!

I completely understand the urge and need by grandmothers to be there and dominate their grandchildren’s birth. Especially if they come from a culture or background of dominate grandparents.

Reflecting on this, I may have had unwanted in-laws fairly quickly after my first DCs births, but I’m extremely grateful for firstly my SILs who didn’t take my mothers shit and the fact I lived overseas and my mother only found out about her first 2 grand children by me via 2nd degree relatives. So when it came to me having number 3 child in the same town and country while in a civil relationship with my mother, she made sure she wasn’t front and centre. Now I think about it, it’s probably the one and only win I ever had our entire relationship. My in-laws defending was a far lesser evil in my books.

As for the Op, I honestly think she’d be best ignoring her partner until after the birth, but that’s so easy for me and many of us to say. I think all the harsh do this and that’s could be upsetting her more.

My MIL tried this with the births of all five of my kids. She planned to stay with us for months, bring a friend, accompany us to the hospital so she could take pictures during my labor and delivery, etc…. I said no. The birth of my children was my medical procedure and wasn’t a spectator’s sport or activity during a vacation. My MIL doesn’t like me and spent years making this apparent by not treating me well. I wasn’t about to subject myself to her while at my most vulnerable.

I told my DH that I couldn’t stop her from traveling to where we lived, but she and her friend would need to stay at a hotel and sort their meals and transportation themselves. She could only visit our home when he was available to host her and her friend wasn’t invited because she was a complete stranger to me. Also, if I didn’t feel up to visiting with her, I wouldn’t be expected to. My DH didn’t get paternity leave, so he had to be back at work the day after baby and I were discharged from the hospital. I was breastfeeding, so she also couldn’t visit when baby needed to nurse.

My compromise to my DH was that I would relax my boundaries once I was healed and breastfeeding and a routine was established with baby. We were in a very small home, so she would still need to stay at a hotel, but my DH could pick her up on his way home from work and she could spend the entire evening with us, including sharing dinner with us. She could also spend all day with us on my DH’s days off, as long as she didn’t interrupt baby’s naps or feedings. I offered to do this for 7-10 days. The friend still wasn’t invited.

The difference is that my DH supported me and upheld my boundaries. He understood that we didn’t have the room to comfortably host anyone, let alone someone who made me uncomfortable. He understood that MIL’s behavior towards me caused me to be unwilling to accommodate her wants. He supported my needs to heal and adjust to motherhood without the stress of unwanted guests. My MIL never came to visit us because she couldn’t have her way. She had to wait to meet our children until we were able to travel to where my DH’s family lives and we stayed in a hotel and only visited her home when it worked for us.

OP, in your situation, I would stay with your friend. I would let your DH know that I would not be returning home as long as MIL is there. I would also make going to a marriage counselor a requirement to me returning home. I would let him know that I will tell him when I went in labor, but MIL wasn’t to accompany him. If he brought her, he will be asked to leave with her. I would tell him that he has damaged the relationship by putting MIL’s wants before my needs and if he wants the relationship to continue, he needs to put in the work to fix it.

'take pictures during my labor and delivery'. WTF?

There's a very good chance that I would actually kill someone who tried that - and if I were too knackered after the birth, I would hire someone.

But seriously, what kind of sadistic cunt thinks that taking photos of someone trying to push out a baby is appropriate?

100% agree with this.

Go to your friend's, give yourself some head space and take it from there.

His mum is his responsibility and if he isn't going to support you at such a vulnerable and emotional time, he misses out.

Put yourself first in this situation.

My MIL actually took pictures during her daughter’s L&D. MIL and SIL created an album of them for SIL’s son, with captions on each picture. Stuff like “here’s the top of your head while you were being born. You tore me”. Graphic pictures that show everything and really inappropriate captions. They brought out the album when we visited a few months after my nephew was born and were passing it around. Thankfully, I saw it before my DH and our children. I turned it to the section after the birth pictures, warned my DH what they showed and let him show our children the pictures of the baby after he was dressed at the end of the book. SIL’s son is 17 and has that book.

I regret having my own mother at the birth of my first. Not because she did anything wrong, but it was such an intimate experience. I wish I would’ve kept it just my DH and I. I didn’t let anyone take pictures of me until I had showered and felt more like myself. My DH took pictures of our babies once they were clean, diapered and dressed. The immediate time after birth is such an amazing time to bond with baby. I remember putting my baby inside my gown, against my chest and my DH sitting on the bed beside me, holding us. I couldn’t forgive someone interrupting that.

Some people actually need to be locked away. That is so inappropriate that it beggars belief. Has no one ever said, 'Dear God, this is gross. What were you thinking?' I guess not. Mind you, if I were the child, I would seize and burn it.

MIL watches over her housework and corrects it. This isn’t going to be a lovely supportive person ready to roll up their sleeves.

WTF?!! Did the daughter agree to this?

She was thrilled about it. She made an album of the pictures for her son and shows them to people.

I feel so sad for all the women who have had their time becoming a mother ruined by overbearing relatives or an unsupportive partner. That really isn't how it's supposed to be.

What every new mother needs is for everyone else to respect her wishes and needs, and follow her lead.

I gave birth in a country where it is standard for new mothers to spend 3 or 4 nights in hospital after a first birth, and where the maximum number of women to a room is two, but if you want your partner to stay overnight you have to pay for a private room. No postnatal wards, no other women's partners staying the night, no visitors (yours or other people's). The first time I gave birth I had an emergency C-section and I was completely shell shocked. My husband stayed with me the whole time except the last night before we were discharged, when he went home to get some sleep. My PIL were interested and helpful, wanted to see the baby, brought us food etc, but didn't even hold him until he was a good few weeks old when I literally had to put him in my MIL's arms because she was so anxious not to overstep. My own parents didn't meet him until much later because of Covid travel restrictions. The second time I had an easy vaginal birth, I stayed in for two nights on my own while my husband looked after our son at home, and by day 4 I was full of energy and bouncing around actually wanting visitors to come and see/hold the baby while I sorted out lunch. My parents came to visit when she was about 10 days old (no Covid restrictions this time but still needed to arrange international travel) but stayed in an Airbnb nearby.

I have such happy memories of both times (especially the second time because the birth was a much more positive experience) and that is largely down to the fact that my husband put my needs first and everyone else was respectful and did as they were asked. And my children have such lovely relationships with all their grandparents now.

It's a shame that these unsupportive partners and overbearing relatives can't see that their behaviour is going to come back to bite them in the long run.

The OP needs to be with someone who will make her food and cups of tea while she spends the first month on the sofa, hold the baby while she naps or showers, and act as a bouncer to deter or evict visitors who have invited themselves or outstayed their welcome. Her partner should be that person, but if he isn't, staying with her friend is the right decision.

She...shows pictures of her son bursting through her fanjo to people?

If they are expecting you to host, it's a hard no. On the other hand, if they're going to set-to batch-cooking delicious Italian food and freezing it for you to munch over the next 3 months, deep cleaning the house, waiting on you hand and foot and tell your DP to do the same, and will otherwise stay out of your way unless you ask for their help, I'd consider it. I think very much depends on the personalities of the individuals involved. However, having them there before you're DP's pat leave ends might help in terms of getting the boundaries established before he goes back to work, but only if you are able to make sure he is very much on the same page as you before they get here, and will stand up to his mum and her random friend if you need him to.

In terms of who is at the birth, this needs to be made abundantly clear to her before she steps foot on the plane.

As for staying for 3 months, that's absolutely ridiculous.

If they are expecting you to host, it's a hard no. On the other hand, if they're going to set-to batch-cooking delicious Italian food and freezing it for you to munch over the next 3 months, deep cleaning the house, waiting on you hand and foot and tell your DP to do the same, and will otherwise stay out of your way unless you ask for their help, I'd consider it

@Babycatsmummy and why would your MIL expect you to make her bed? When we have guests I never go into their bedrooms during their stay. If they want the bed made they make it themself. You aren't a chambermaid.

It's great that your birth partner is happy to have you if this stay goes ahead or goes pear shaped. She sounds like a friend in a million.

And this is where is starts... Your husband takes zero interest in your needs and his mums need will always trump yours.

Or you could take a stand and refuse to allow her to stay. And your husband can go stay with her if he doesn't like it.

In all honesty, the moment you give in and your husband doesn't respect your wishes in your home there is no hope. It just baffles me why your wishes are not being considered. Your husband is a dick for allowing her to come. Child birth is a huge change, for your body, your mind, your life, you need a few weeks to recover without stress. An by the sounds of it, you ain't gonna be getting any down time...

Good luck with baby and the other big baby needs to cut the apron strings from mama

is the understanding thag MIL is coming to take care of you and baby? that’s the only way a cultural difference may manifest.

OP, i think people fall in a spectrum of wanting to be physically connected to baby at all times and handing them out like chips in the first weeks (or months!) postpartum. Wherever you fall in this spectrum has to be respected.

If that’s the case and MIL is coming to help, say clearly to everyone that YOU/ DP will be caring for the baby while DP and MIL will help take care of you. That includes all the cooking cleaning folding baby clothes around the house while you chill out and bond with your newborn.
You don’t hand baby over unless you are happy to do so.

Take the help but do not make yourself uncomfortable in your own home. if you want to sit around in a nappy with baby on your boob, so be it, they can be around or they can get out. it may help to have a postpartum plan eg. a week in bed, a week around bed type of thing can help set the expectation.
also… have a return date set. if it’s working out fine and you’re enjoying the help, fine to extend, if you want to be alone in your home, time to go. if you have any family around, that might help too to act as buffer and set boundaries - a feisty mum or sister is a godsend.

I really really hope your DP stands up for you and sets boundaries. if not, do it yourself and don’t let these dimwits ruin what is already a very difficult but special time.

Go and stay at friend's. I'd go day before MIL arrival so it's explicitly clear why you're going. I'd stay at friend's until my house is vacated. I'd tel DH/P that if MIL is still at house after the birth when we're due home, you will ill not be going home and that may be a permanent decision. Only say this if you mean it.

You say you've had no issues before. Probability is that you his is not due the how good your DH/
P or relationship is hit simply because nothing major has ocme up before. I learnt this after 17 years of being with someone thinking we had the relationship that people dream of. The universe showed me how naive and deluded I was.

And toe all the comments sating it's a cultural difference etc. I'm Italian. This is absolutely NOT normal there either.

Congratulations and best of luck. Your life is about to change in ways you can't imagine and it will be very worth it

My goodness!
I would’ve stood up for myself if my husband was too weak too! I’d have text MIL & told her you’re looking forward to seeing her after the baby is born but could she stay elsewhere as you need time and space alone before and after the birth!
3 months!!!!…. This would have me setting up the cot and baby things at my birthing partners and telling DH he’s spineless and unless he puts you first he needs to consider himself divorced! What a horrible inconsiderate man!

please update us @Babycatsmummy and let us know you’re ok

Yes.

Sorry guys for the late response, I've just caught up with all of your lovely messages.

I've been at my birthing partners since Saturday afternoon as MIL arrived Sunday and DP ( just to confirm we aren't married and after this I don't think we ever will be 🫢) and I were just constantly bickering so whilst he went out I pretty much just got some essentials and went. Of course he's extremely pissed at me, my birthing partner messaged him a very colourful email telling him how she disappointed she is with his behaviour and that first and foremost I should be his priority etc etc. as far as I'm aware he didn't respond but I didn't think he would as he probably has his tail between his legs.

He's messaged me asking me to come home, but I politely declined and said the damage has been done, I wasn't making false threats just to get my own way, I genuinely felt so overwhelmed and anxious I just couldn't stay. I had to get away to decompress and actually I'm in a better headspace and the thought of coming back at the moment to him and his mum gets me angry again so unless he's sorted out alternative arrangements for her then I'm not going back.

Turns out she's pretty much already taken over... I have a ring camera and could see she had my bedroom apart cleaning everything and I had to disconnect myself from it as I could feel myself boiling.

DP informed me she is using our flat as a meeting point for her friends also and they are all coming over this evening for dinner so I just told him to enjoy himself because I most definitely am!

I have also informed him as of this moment in time, I have no plans to let him know when I go into labour as I don't want to be worried about fuss at the hospital, especially as his mum now knows I have a birthing partner that isn't her. He was of course very unhappy about this and I just said well you know what you need to do don't you?

Baby is due now and I'm getting a few warning signs he's on his way so DP doesn't have much time to figure out where his priority is. Part of me really hopes he grows a pair and pulls through though because as much as he's been an ass, it's still his baby too and I would feel terrible if he missed the birth.

What an awful man he is, but I am so pleased the situation is now in your control. Stay strong for you and your baby OP. There’ll be time to work all this out later, right now your stress levels and health are the only thing that matters.

Your birthing partner sounds like a brilliant human being.