MIL coming to stay with added extra

[Babycatsmummy]

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

You need to stay firm or the next 20 years are going to be a complete nightmare. Your DP is unbelievably selfish and inconsiderate. Definitely move in with family if you can and let him pander to his mother

I'm so glad you're going to your friends house. Stay there until the women have gone.

There's been a misunderstanding. Your home obviously isn't open to guests right now, sorry, MIL included.

DP can start listening and make alternative arrangements for them or watch you make alternative plans for yourself moving forward.

His lack of respect and refusal to listen to you are obvious red flags.

This isn't on, and your DH has got his priorities totally wrong.

To cope with it, either move back with your parents as you need people around you who are putting you first whilst you are putting your new baby first. The most important person in the world to a newborn is their mum, they need you.

Or, stay in your own house and start writing that list of things the Nonna and her friend can do for you - a months worth of home cooked meals in the freezer, meal planning and shopping - 'we love the sainsburys here, it would be great if you could sort the food shopping while you stay as you know what food you will want to cook', please could you deep clean the shoe cupboard, cupboard under the sink, so glad you are here Nonna, you will know how to do all these jobs while we bond with our baby. Here is how yo do the laundry. Pile it on as thick as you can, with love, and maintain control. Do not make yourself sick while trying to keep up ridiculous standards of hosting - this is a vulnerable and precious time, people around you should have your best interests at heart (and they can have their cuddles while you have a shower and eat the food they have made you!) It's wonderful to have help, but it actually has to help or it is just intrusion. Finally if it is 'cultural' - then surely your culture and expectations are worthy of half the input else it is just bullying. Good luck, having a little one to stand up for will help you find the bravery you need.

I would be so fucking incandescent, you would be able to see the mushroom cloud from the moon.

Does he always ignore what you say?

‘Do as you’re told, woman. Know your place and let everyone walk all over you. ‘

Honestly, the OP is the one who is actually giving birth. Everything should be about her. And now the whole thing is about two women who have invited themselves over to stay with her while she has a baby - I.e. literally the very last thing you want after you have a baby is two fucking houseguests, one of whom you’ve never even met. It’s outrageous.

Can you not go and stay with your parents? I wouldn’t tolerate this having had two children of my own. You’re going to be vulnerable, hormonal, uncomfortable and nervous. Why would your DH place you in this position with all of this going on? You should be calling the shots, not him. I’d actually leave if I had somewhere to go and wouldn’t return until I had my house back, free of guests. This is awful. He should be prioritising you, not his bloody mother.

There's some absolute areseholes posting on here. I'm guessing they're either men, awful mils or live under a bridge.

Hope you're ok @Babycatsmummy

YADNBU. dont lift a finger.

100% go and stay at your friends house, when you go in to hospital you tell them under no circumstances is the MIL allowed near you.
Husband needs to stop acting like a nob

Hope you have gone to your friends and having a relaxing time.

When you go into hospital make your midwife aware who your birth partners are and that your definitely not wanting any visitors at visiting time. They are pretty strick in the UK. You could always ask the receptionist not to allow visitors as well as visitors need to buzz themselves in and say who they are visiting for security reasons.

I'd go to your friends house and stay a bit and don't let them stress you out. You don't need this now. If it was me I'd buy some 1 person ready meals to keep yourself fed and just concentrate on your baby and do nothing else. Also stand by your guns and bring the baby up your way not your MILs way as her advice is probably outdated now. My mother thought babies had to sleep on their front and was completely clueless about safe sleep and carseats ect.

I won't ever understand this.

I didn't meet my grandson for 3 months. Planned this way. My son wanted me there right away, I talked to my bonus daughter, she and I discussed HER needs. And while my first little grand nugget was in NICU for 2 months, I reminded my son that his father (we have been separated for decades) and I have NO rights to that baby, and that because SHE is having the child, SHE gets to determine when and where people were to visit.

I will never understand these entitled gp's. I live 2 states away, I visit when I can, and I ASK for video chats, never demand. Because I raised mine, and it's their turn.

100 % go to your birthing partners house, relax there and be very kind to yourself. I think you need to be strong from the very beginning and explain to your partner that he and his mother will not be making the decisions! If needs be do not return home until she has found somewhere else to stay (or at least her friend has). Stand up for yourself with her every single time, honestly my mil is lovely by comparison but it was still tricky after I had my baby. Be strong, lean on your birthing partner she sounds great. Good luck with everything x

If it’s a done deal and will be more agro than it’s worth to fight it I would put this plan in action

1. Agree it might be quite nice to have female company
2. Do the very minimum to prepare and say you’ll leave it til after they arrive to make final arrangements etc so they can have a say
3. Fake a twisted ankle or back injury just before they arrive and act out your best imaginary disappointment you can’t do more to welcome them
4. Wait for them to do absolutely everything to look after themselves, you and the baby because you’re in a hideous degree of pain - but unbelievably frustrated you can’t do more to host them.
5. Sit back, hide your smile and secretly relax

Why do the pushy cultures get everything their way? The OP needs to tell him, his mother and the cuckoo that in this country it isn't acceptable to dump oneself on anyone, family or not. It's appalling that she's planning to leave her own home because of these three inconsiderate people, if anyone should leave it's those three.

I really hope you can resolve this. Your MIL and her friend are terrible people. Your partner is horribly weak. I get the excitement from relatives, but they need to temper these with your needs and wants.
if your only course of action is to move in with your birthing partner then do it for your sanity. I wish you joy when your beautiful baby arrives.

Go to your mums, friends or a hotel. I would be leaving this situation so that I could actually relax.

Where to start! MIL coming for the birth, horrendous but I do get that culturally this comes up alot. Your husband appears to be entirely spinless and him not putting you first at this crucial time could start a huge downward spiral. You deserve and need rest and peace. For you and the baby. I'm sorry he doesn't see it.
You need your foot to hit the floor so hard on this one that he never dares but you in a shitty position like this ever again. You will RESENT him deeply over this.
You cannot relax with a stranger in your home.
Can you go to your parent, sibling, friend anyone that can provide you will a quiet little corner where you can bond with your baby and recover.
Im angry for you. Don't set your life up with this man allowing this crazy shit for you. It is pure pathetic and/or lazy behaviour letting this take place against your wishes.
I'd be out so fast on this one x

Your dh seems to suffer with some abandonment trauma and is scared he will lose his mother again.

He needs to understand that the way he is behaving will mean he loses his wife and child

Agree with a PP that it might be lovely to have two women there to look after you and do everything? I had a C-section with my twins and my aunt came to stay for a week and she was amazing and did everything!

Of course if you aren't comfortable then you need to get DH to sort things out - but as long as they know you won't be waiting on them / feeding them etc it could be a blessing?

The OP is NOT comfortable with this, hence her post!

The last thing you need is his Mother and her friend coming to stay right now. Glad you have a friend who is supportive and will be birthing partner. Ridiculous you can’t stay in your own home with new baby in peace and no support from partner. What are they all thinking ? The most important thing at the moment is you and baby , leave him to sort out the visitors .

You've caught yourself a Momma's Boy, OP!

She'll always get what she wants because he'll always let her. You don't have to, though.

I'd be booking myself into an airbnb right about now and tell him to have fun catering for the pair of them.

I don't know how you can come back from this level of disrespect & unsupportive behaviour. Your wants & needs clearly aren't a priority & tbh, they never will be. Mummy will always come before you. I'd go to my friend & never return home. Hopefully your wanker of a husband comes to his senses though, all the best.