MIL coming to stay with added extra

[Babycatsmummy]

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

@Babycatsmummy for the good of your mental health before and after the birth, please make arrangements to go stay with your amazing friend where you will have peace and quiet.
If you stay at home with your DH, MIL and her best friend, you will regret it and you do not need the stress.
Lean on your friend and family, your DH has told you his mother comes first, he will continue to override your wishes and preferences and I can guarantee, if you are at home when you go in to labour, it will be your MIL joining you in the delivery room, not your friend. You may be in too much pain to voice your own needs and you cannot trust your DH to do the right thing.
Please arrange to go to your friends and stay for the duration of MILS visit. You NEED to set those boundaries now.

Sorry for you OP, how awful.

My DP's Italian and, whilst his relationship with his mum is not as enmeshed as yours, he definitely finds it hard to say no to her and seems to be programmed to consider his mum's needs first. We've had many arguments about this and the only answer is to put your foot down and put yourself first, because no one else will. You'll be told how unreasonable, difficult you and how much you're overreacting, but it's all just bullshit because they don't want to say no to mamma.
It's likely you will also have to fight for your child's needs to come before mamma too so prepare yourself for that fight too.

Well done OP.

Please don't back down. This is so, so important for your future mental health.

Postpartum is a difficult time and I STILL regret the week when my baby was 7 weeks old, my MIL came to stay and basically snatched my baby off me - called herself "mum" to the baby and made me go in other rooms during most of the baby - tried to take the baby out and away from me

Never again. It hurt me so much being away for my baby for a lot of that week. It sounds ott but you're so bonded with your baby at that time, I don't think I've ever get over the upset it caused me.

You absolutely need to go to your friend's. My situation was only a week - but I think you'll regret it your whole life if you let your MIL stay with you during your first baby being postpartum.

It'll be much harder to stand up to her postpartum also, because you'll be sleep deprived, filled with hormones and recovering from the birth.

Go to your birth partner's house and relax. Let your DP deal with the fallout.

How ridiculous that your MIL thinks she can come over without your consent AND BRING HER FRIEND. Some people are insane.

Sending love, hang in there x

You know he’s not going to say anything to risk offending his mummy, right? I’d start packing.

This would be a relationship breaker for me. Your partner won’t put you and your baby first now, while you are at your most vulnerable- you’ve got a lifetime of this.

I would absolutely go and stay with your birth partner friend.

I would also be registering the birth alone so that your partner doesn’t get automatic PR, and giving the baby my surname.

I’m wondering if MIL and friend will work out the connection between their arrival and your departure?

My DIL is Italian and her parents definitely didn’t behave like your partner’s mother when she had a baby. They did come over to Scotland but they stayed in a hotel and were respectful of DS and DDIL’s wishes.
Your DP is so far out of order I can’t believe how he’s behaving. I definitely would move out, let him have mummy to look after him and you make plans for a future with your beautiful baby when it arrives without this ridiculous immature idiot.

Not a DH thankfully….

You need to tell your MiL that friend will have to stay with her own relatives. You need to stand up for yourself, tell them there are cultural differences and they will have to accept them in your home as you do in theirs.

Thank goodness your birthing partner can have you and the baby at hers, start moving the stuff you need there now.
You know that even if Mil and friend did start off at a relative's house your husband would either insist she moved in or they would be in your home every waking hour anyway.
The only way your boundaries will be upheld is to be at your friend's, she has your back, your H doesn't, he's not considering you and the baby at all.

It’s not about not being opinionated, sometimes you know you have bigger things to focus on- and for you right now that is your health and your baby - not having to row about an overbearing MiL and Shiite partner.

Your birthing partner sounds like the kind of best friend everyone ought to have. Go and stay with her and don’t give this anymore headspace for now.

good luck 💐💐

I've worked in a job that involved home visits in the early newborn days in a multicultural city. Many many cultures have either the maternal or paternal grandmother to stay once the baby is born. This is to help the mother while she focuses on recovery and feeding, occasionally there would be conflict over care of baby or feeding. So it is the norm in these cultures. It's not the norm for the UK. I've never heard of a friend staying too though. You do what's best for you.

@amiahoarder this mil doesn't sound very maternal from reading all of OP'S posts. She sounds very controlling. The dms and dmils you have seen are most likely a different story.

@Babycatsmummy - just letting you know that my DH seems to need his mummy to be the saintly one in any disagreement between her and me. This has turned into him somehow finding justification for her calling our DD1 a “slut” because she bought eyeshadow with her pocket money aged 11 and sent our DT’s divisive cards with $50 for DD2 and $5.00 for DS with the most repulsive sentiments for their 10th bday, yet she always has her reasons for unspeakably bad/nasty and downright cruel behaviour. Also trying to jam her homophobic, racist and other bigoted views onto our kids. After 20 years together, it’s fucking intolerable. All three of the kids hate her and I have never had to say a thing to them. I have been advised that she is visiting (SIL and I very close - mutual enemy) and the kids (all 18+ now) and I are going to have a “spontaneous” road trip. I find it difficult to tolerate my DH’s attitude and find this side of him unattractive and impossible to respect.

All of this. 🌹

He pretty much said this morning his mum comes before anything else and she and her friend are welcome to stay here, oh and once he's picked them up from the airport he's going out with his friends so they will pretty much just be dumped on me.

OP, this is borderline abusive, given you've been dealing with a difficult pregnancy. Please do move out, and when you're in a better space think about what this attitude means for you and your relationship going forward.

Huge well done for deciding to move to your birthing partners house. You need your own space and quiet and bedroom. Who the fuck watches over a pregnant woman making the bed and tellls her she’s doing it wrong?

So your DH was abandoned by his mother as a child and is now got some serious issues trying to hold onto her. This will only get worse.

Start making a list of everything to pack and go to your friends house. You need to be there before his mother arrives. Your friend is lovely your husband is a total dick

@MsCactus

Mine was also ruined by over bearing unkind judging in laws.
When I look back at how dreadfully I was treated and how I put up with it to her face! Because I was literally stunned from the birth, no one can ever prepare you for that, stunned by the baby, stunned by everything and walking stooped because my lower back hurt so much, afraid to wash because of cuts and so on. And in that emotionally vulnerable and fragile state, on a come down from pethidine and gas and many hormones my Mil went for a the jugular.

I will never ever forgive her nor fil and one can't stress how sad it is to have those amazing once in a life memories tainted by such dreadful people.

Absolutely do not let your DP or his family dictate what is happening.
You decide what you want and do it.
U are the one with all the pain/hormones/baby etc so what you want goes.

Just no.

This is your time, with your new baby, it’s about you both learning to be parents. You will also need to recover, and I couldn’t think of anything worse than having my MIL and now her friend lurking.

Politely decline and ask they rent an air bnb or something. You won’t ever experience the magic of having your first again, you need to soak it up. X

Ow OP I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Pre and post partum are the most sensitive and precious times and I absolutely would not have tolerated anyone else being around let alone a friend of MIL. Your hormones are all over the place, you’re tired and a mess most of the time, you want to be alone with the option to have visitors not that people are forced upon you 24/7.
And your DP is bang out of order, his mum comes before your and subsequently your babies well-being, I don’t think so.

Go and stay with your birthing partner/friend immediately and let him think about what’s truly important to him, actions speak louder than words and until he realises you’ve been backed into a corner to make these decisions by his and his mothers actions.. otherwise he’ll never change his ways.

Good luck you’re doing amazing! X

I always say you never ever forget how people treated you post birth, you remember the amazing ones - but you also remember how people made you feel so shit and something you can’t ever let go off- because it’s often women who have themselves been post partum!! And you think wow can’t believe you don’t remember or you do and you don’t care, so insensitive !

@Overthebs my Mil kept telling me how lucky I was.

Both.Barrels.

That's all.

I'd be packing up my stuff and going straight to the friend's and then ti my parents until the pair of them left.

Horrible situation. But you've got to show him you mean business.

Poor OP.

She sounds pushy and just out to suit herself. Be firm otherwise she will push her way around you and your dp and baby. DP could be more supportive too but that’s another battle. Good luck with the birth and enjoy your baby.