aibu to think I can forgive my partner for DV

[Hospitalbaby]

Married 11 years, two kids under 5.
It's happened twice. Once when I was 17weeks pregnant (a push) and more recently at Christmas (a push again)
Although I wasn't hurt I was very shaken up.
I think about it daily.

My DH is in therapy and hugely trying to fix what he's done.
Aibu to think maybe I can forgive and stay in this relationship?

No. Protect children and leave.

To me, this would be unforgivable. He had an obligation to seek out therapy so that he can change his behaviour in future but you have no obligation to keep putting yourself at risk just because he's allegedly working on himself. I know a few men who have been on DV courses. Not one of them ceased the behaviour.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t
he pushed you when you were pregnant and at your most vulnerable
you stayed and he did it again.

why is he in therapy? Did you instigate it?

Think about what you're teaching your children.

Imagine how you feel when, not if, he does it again.

No, no one needs to be pushing anyone. He could help himself if he wanted, he doesn’t go around pushing strangers (I imagine).

DV tends to escalate rather than getting better. And having children tends to add to this.

Protect your children and leave.

It's abusive to raise your children in a household where there's DV. Why would you even want to breathe the same air as a person who thinks so little of you?

You can forgive as sometimes it is the way to heal and move on but he needs to leave and work on himself on his own.

you need to protect yourself and your children imagine if the next push sends you down the stairs.

I’m guessing he doesn’t push any one at work? Or strangers on the street, especially pregnant women?
You have a choice your children do not. Protect them from this man.

No.
it’s not acceptable to bring children up in that environment.
Quite frankly he is a and your children will struggle not to become the same if they grow up in this environment.
What ever he decides is up to him.
Unfortunately children don’t have a choice.

I'm not sure forgiveness is the important thing really, it's safety. Personally if a man raised a hand to me in anger once, never mind twice, then I would never be near him again, as I value my personal safety and that of my children too much to take the risk. Therapy is all well and good, but its not a magic charm that gives a cast iron guarantee a violent man becomes a safe one. If you decide to emotionally forgive him, as in, decide to let go of anger towards him, then that's up to you. Its arguably better for your wellbeing than holding on to bad feeling, but you shouldn't confuse that with a second (third?) chance. This man has the means to hurt even kill you and your children. Don't give him the opportunity.

Absolutely this.

It will only escalate. He's done this twice. Kick him out, if he wants to go to therapy he can but I don't believe therapy will help him stop. He's shown you his true colours, if I was you I would show him the door. Put yourself and your children first. You don't deserve to feel scared in your own house.

Depends on the circumstances and what the rest of your relationship is like. I know mn goes absolutely batshit over things like this, but I wouldn’t be ending a marriage over 2 pushes.

If he does it once, he’ll do it again. This has already been proven as it has happened twice. I know it’s not easy to leave especially with children involved believe me but it’s not about him being in therapy, it’s about him being able to control himself in the moment. Only time will tell if he will be able to do this but only you can make that decision as to whether it’s worth giving him one more chance.

Would you ever push a pregnant woman? Let alone one you are meant to love?
Would you ever do to him what he has done to you?

It hasn’t though. He pushed her and then 11 years later he pushed her again and even got therapy. Let’s not be hyperbolic

It's never just a push though is it? I bet he shouts and screams to intimidate you, throws things, smashes things, verbally abusive. That's all DV and no, perpetrators of abuse rarely, if ever change.

Leave now would be my advice.

You have dc... It isn't about you now. Do you want him to push and scare your dc?. You fail your dc staying with him. In fact if he did and your dc tell an adult who reports it to ss how will you justify still being with him?

You can forgive and stay in the marriage.

Statistically he'll do it again.

Some people can change. But not many.

www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/will-it-happen-again

I think he's done it twice since she was pregnant. Not twice in 11 years.

It's pretty unusual for physical violence to be entirely standalone. So I'd ask you, in the extremely unlikely event you can move past this and he can do the work to change.... what else is happening? Because I'll eat this computer I'm typing on if he's just normally a super lovely normal person and these two pushes were a complete abberation and came entirely out of the blue. It's FAR more likely that he is emotionally/financially/mentally/verbally abuse already/

Exactly this, my ex made out he couldn't help it he just got so angry but never at his boss, or at work or against his friends or family - just me and the kids!

He’s pushed you twice in the last five years. Once you were vulnerable because you were pregnant. Were you holding the baby the second time, or vulnerable for some other reason?

Are you quietly careful around him now, assessing his mood?

Do you avoid upsetting him or worry about telling him things?

I’m not massively bothered about the push- but the push is really unlikely to be the whole thing.

More likely you avoid upsetting him and work at keeping him sweet, and that’s no way to live.

What therapy and support are you receiving? Has anyone directed you to The Freedom Programme?

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

There's a list of help available here;

https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/being-pregnant/domestic-abuse-and-after-pregnancy