aibu to think I can forgive my partner for DV

[Hospitalbaby]

Married 11 years, two kids under 5.
It's happened twice. Once when I was 17weeks pregnant (a push) and more recently at Christmas (a push again)
Although I wasn't hurt I was very shaken up.
I think about it daily.

My DH is in therapy and hugely trying to fix what he's done.
Aibu to think maybe I can forgive and stay in this relationship?

Option 4: He isn't going to a therapist, he's just telling you that he is.

I wondered that too, but in light of the fact that he now wants them to do couples therapy, I think that's less likely.

“He tells me his therapist says he was provoked because we were shouting at eachother before the push.”

You were both shouting, and yet you didn’t assault him did you?
Provocation my arse.

1. no decent therapist would blame you
2. your initial comment about him trying, you didn’t answer my question about what that actually meant. Turns out it means - blaming you. How is that trying?

So, a relative of mine had a husband who started by pushing her. Then he went on a course. Then he hospitalised her and then he went on another course. He ended up killing her and leaving 2 severely traumatised young children. This could be your story. How he's escaped prison I don't know. He's just remarried.

I seriously wouldn't, I forgave my son's dad who pushed me for the first time when I was around 3/4 months pregnant. At around 6 months pregnanct he punched me hard twice in the leg when he died on his phone game. Again I left it.

one day when I was almost 9 months pregnant I came home from a day of shopping blissfully unaware what was about to happen and was seriously assaulted by him, I'm talking choking, punches stomach kicks the lot. And guess what I STILL stayed. I was young (20) and stupidly felt embarrassed to tell anyone, like it was my fault and everyone would look down on me, when my son was 5 months old and the DV had been consistently happening for months I finally left, I was once almost choked out on the same bed by son was sleeping on, it always escalates you need to leave now!

If the counsellor wants to do couple counselling I would contact them separately and ask why they are suggesting couples counselling when there has been DV

What is his behaviour like on a day to day basis? Do you tread on eggshells around him, do you try and conform to what he wants for an easy life? What happens if you do something he doesn’t want you to?

Exactly this. I don't know a single qualified counsellor who would take on couples counselling when there has been domestic violence involved. It's massively dangerous.

He murdered her and didn't go to prison?!?! That's maddening and heartbreaking

Cowardly individual who pushed his pregnant wife and then if that wasn't a massive wake up call as to how badly he thinks of you he pushed you again.

He will do it again no matter how much counselling he has and how many promises he makes.

Be a decent role model for your children as he can't, and dump him asap.

No Protect your DC and yourself
Therapy will not help his violent instincts
Do not give him a chance to do it a third time

I'm listening to the podcast about the OJ Simpson murders and trial. Poor Nicole Brown Simpson was pushed, beaten and then murdered. Her two children were asleep in the house when OJ almost decapitated Nicole and left her to bleed to death on the doorstep.

Get away. Don't risk it. Don't let things escalate. Don't make excuses.

Get your children away from that environment. Seek help. Tell people what he's doing to you. Get in touch with women's DV services. Please, please, please don't end up dead.

Leave now? It’s not that easy, is it? I see this advice time and time again on here. There is so much to consider and plan before thinking of doing that!

No, he pushed her when she was pregnant. She has two under five so the earliest it could be in 5ish years ago

NC.

'D'H pushed me, hard, into patio doors when I was 8 weeks pregnant with our second. It's the one and only time he's ever laid a finger on me. I didn't leave but I can't forgive him either. Our relationship has suffered because of it and i'll never feel the same way about him ever again.

He's showing you who he is, pay attention!

He's not losing control because he likely doesn't do it at work.

It's not you winding him up because he likely doesn't do it at work.

He is a violent man who is choosing to abuse you in this way.

Well obviously I don't mean right now this second!!

Two things are very telling

The first incident was when you were pregnant. It’s very common when there is DV in a relationship for it to start during pregnancy.

Secondly that his therapist apparently believes he was provoked and that you should have couples counselling. No remotely decent therapist would suggest joint counselling after violence in a relationship. Hes very likely bullshitting you about what the therapist says

What he’s done is unforgivable.

You should not be completing couples counselling and he needs to attend a perpetrators course. Is he willing to do this? If he’s not then he’s unlikely to truly be motivated to change.

YABU. Make plans to leave as soon as you can.

My ex started off with pushing and shoving and I forgave him because tempers were running high and he promised to work on his issues.

I won't fill you in on everything that happened after that, but by the time I was able to get away from him, he had on various different occasions thrown things at my head, slapped me, grabbed me in a headlock, threatened to beat me with a belt and an iron, slammed an ashtray down on my hand and crushed my fingers and broken my nose so badly that I still have sinus problems decades later. On the day I actually left (after a week of him calmly agreeing that it was the right decision for us to split and being fully aware that I was finding myself a flat) he tried to kill me by throwing me down a flight of stairs and slamming my head in a cupboard door.

Anyway, the upshot of all that is that no, I don't think you should forgive your partner for DV.

It's highly unlikely his therapist said this. You could go to a one-off session and ask him or her. If the therapist did say it, you should report to their professional body. Most likely it's your partner being dishonest and manipulative. Please consider individual therapy if you're not already having it. I think you know what you're dealing with here and it sounds like you might be ready to cut yourself free. I don't think his fundamentally abusive nature is going to change. Anyone who feels perpetrating violence is provoked by an argument is not authentically seeking help.

Secondly that his therapist apparently believes he was provoked and that you should have couples counselling. No remotely decent therapist would suggest joint counselling after violence in a relationship. Hes very likely bullshitting you about what the therapist says

ABSOLUTELY this. Either he's seeing an absolute horror-show of a therapist, or he's lying.

No decent therapist should ever tell anyone violence was provoked in this situation.

He is a liar and an abuser.

Leave for your kids sakes

I have been physically and emotionally assaulted by my ExH. He always had an excuse,it was never his fault, always someone else's.

I married and had a child with him, because I thought it would get better. It never did.

My DD got into her teenage years which brings its own challenges and I kept telling him to stop yelling at her but...anyway he said something unforgivable to her and I snapped. We are divorcing. He still wants to be friends but I can't be friends with an abuser.

Honestly OP, forget the therapy. Get away from him now. It doesn't get better.