aibu to think I can forgive my partner for DV

[Hospitalbaby]

Married 11 years, two kids under 5.
It's happened twice. Once when I was 17weeks pregnant (a push) and more recently at Christmas (a push again)
Although I wasn't hurt I was very shaken up.
I think about it daily.

My DH is in therapy and hugely trying to fix what he's done.
Aibu to think maybe I can forgive and stay in this relationship?

Op, I mean this kindly - you DO NOT need anyone's permission to leave this relationship. You did not cause it to break down- his actions did. You do not owe him, yourself, your children or his therapist a second chance. Do not be guilted into giving it one last chance. You will never be able to forget what his done and you will never be able to have another argument without wondering whether he will cause you harm. Get out and don't feel ashamed about anything - he has ended the relationship, not you.

He tells me his therapist says he was provoked because we were shouting at each other before the push
Utter bullsh1t, he’s lying.
He’s shoved you twice in 5 years, don’t wait until he knocks you unconscious or worse ffs.

And another thing, he said that his therapist says that he was provoked. Obviously his therapist wouldn't have said this but even if they did, what he's saying here is that his violence was your fault. He's saying that HIS VIOLENCE is YOUR FAULT. What that now means is that every time he's violent (because remember, he can't help it, it's your fault he acts this way), you are to blame and therefore you are going to start walking on egg shells and second guessing yourself and trying to keep the children quiet if daddy's had a bad day. It's not going to get better OP.

I think you both need to be in therapy (individually) to be honest. Him to work on his anger issues. And you to process what has happened and understand why you want to forgive him, if this will ever be possible and how to make this happen.

She does not need to make it happen! She does not need to forgive his violent behaviour. She needs to NOT forgive him and leave, period.

He pushed you hard enough to fall whilst you were pregnant. Yes ywbu to stay.

I am curious how he is the rest of the time? Does he shout at you? Insult you? Belittle you?

@kittybiscuits nailed it

OP I suggest you get this book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

I agree. But it doesn’t sound like that is on the cards right now. So some individual therapy for the OP to unpack how she is feeling and to understand what is happening and get some clarity will be beneficial.

Once would be enough for me to pack his bags and boot him out. DV often escalates but for me it's more about the lack of respect and lack of restraint from the one person I trust implicitly to have my back, to protect me, to cherish me. I don't think I could come back from the idea my DH thought so little of me he'd actually cause me to be scared of him or cause me physically harm. There would always be a little part fearful just in case he did it again - walking on eggshells is no way to live. And god forbid any of my children saw or got wind of it & thought that was acceptable in a relationship.

You don't sound like you want to repair this marriage which is OK and totally reasonable. Some can come back from it but IMO (& reading many posts on here) very few that don't later regret it.

Thanks for all the responses.

Those asking what he is like. He is very softy spoken, mild mannered. Slim and not especially tall, basically not someone you would believe to be violent.
People I've told in real life have given me a 🤨 look.
We get on well, friendly even. But there hasn't been any intimacy since the push because I can't go there now.
I do need to leave but I'm a bit unsure how. I work part time, don't earn very much and I am far from family. We rent currently and get UC so I would have that at least.

He won't change. He'll only escalate

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-68895803.amp

I agree that you should leave and protect your family, as nobody should have to put up with DV but also realistically most women don’t leave. Financial implications amongst other things make it hard. I think it also depends to what extent he is pushing you, is it a push past to get something or is pushing you over the floor? If it’s the latter, I would definitely seek help from a charity or family.

You can’t negotiate with terrorists OP.

I bet he is seeing a self labelled therapist with some shitty correspondence course qualification.

No therapist would tell anyone who resorted to domestic violence that it was provoked. No therapist would recommend couples counselling when one partner is abusive.

He is seeing a terrible therapist, who is siding with him and giving him excuses. So he won’t accept responsibility here and he will never truly feel that he was wrong. He is already laying down the groundwork of excuses to come to the conclusion that you were both to blame for his violence and he isn’t really all that wrong or bad for being violent.

He isn’t going to get any better. Leave. Pack your stuff, go stay with family. Change your claim to a single person and start over slowly.

'Those asking what he is like. He is very softy spoken, mild mannered. Slim and not especially tall, basically not someone you would believe to be violent.'

That's exactly what they said about Dr Crippen and he murdered his wife!

Everything this poster says X 100.

If you asked him to leave would he go? Would housing benefit cover the rent where you live? You can check your Local housing allowance online.

Softly spoken? So this was completely an unusual, out of the blue event? You've never had to bite your tongue because otherwise he just won't stop with berating you? You've never had to suck it up when you're upset at something he's said or done? You've never found yourself thinking, "it' snot fair that he does that?"

And then, out of nowhere, he pushes you?

I don't believe that.

He stonewalls when he is angry, or rolls his eyes. He ignores me crying. When he pushed me the first time it was him that stormed off upstairs to sulk and it was me that took the kids and went for a drive.
I'm not scared of him, but I definitely don't love him anymore.

You are being unreasonable to want to.

I understand how powerful the image of the perfect family is but that’s not what your children will grow up in.

Please give them the chance to grow up in a safe home with a happy, confident mum, and hopefully they won’t see the worst of their father either.

wishing you strength x

I agree. Things can get heated, it’s not great but in my book not on same level as a punch. And remember everyone here says I’ll do x if y happened but in reality most wouldn’t

Then ignore my previous comment and leave.

You can forgive him AND be a responsible mother and leave him.

Forgive him because it no longer matters, because you left, you're safe, your children are safe and nothing he did in the past can destroy your future. Don't "overlook" it and confuse that with forgiveness.

Xx

Pls don’t stay. When I was in an abusive relationship, I was slapped twice quite hard, hard enough to send me flying off a stool, fairly early on in the relationship. I really really should have got out then, and I made plans to, but somehow I was persuaded to stay. It only got worse, there was then a lot of emotional abuse and gaslighting. There were a couple more episodes of physical abuse until eventually, after a couple of years, I managed to escape. I was lucky as there were no children involved.
My dad was abusive to my mum, he left when I was young, but the damage it did to my older siblings was life long.