aibu to think I can forgive my partner for DV

[Hospitalbaby]

Married 11 years, two kids under 5.
It's happened twice. Once when I was 17weeks pregnant (a push) and more recently at Christmas (a push again)
Although I wasn't hurt I was very shaken up.
I think about it daily.

My DH is in therapy and hugely trying to fix what he's done.
Aibu to think maybe I can forgive and stay in this relationship?

Anyone that thinks it's ok to push, shove, slap, hit their partner is bad news.
There's no guarantee he won't do it again as his boundaries are messed up. Most people would simply not dream of physically hurting anyone, never mind the person they supposedly love.
Please don't stay with him. You deserve a safe home for you and the children. What if they started copying him and hurting others?

I voted YANBU as of course YANBU to think you can. You can and the roads (and cemeteries) are littered with the bruised bodies of women who did the same - with their kids ALWAYS as collateral damage.
i was one of them. I was an idiot.
If you do this too, then I would think the same of you.

“My DH is in therapy and hugely trying to fix what he's done.”

In what way?

And how many other people has he been unable to stop himself shoving in the last 5 years?

So at the time when he should have been the most protective of you, when you were carrying his child.... and at Christmas, a time for love peace and all the rest...

When he doesnt get his way, Does he routinely push his work colleagues? or the postman? the neighbours? or anyone else he encounters? No? So he's picking his battles? You're one he thinks he can win against, it's not a good way to look at the one you're meant to love and cherish... that there's a power difference to your advantage that you can make the most of.

No I'd not be with anyone that had shown a propensity for violence toward me.

How much have you changed your behaviour so as not to set him off? Even more so since the pushing, but I'm guessing before too - did he tend to have a hair trigger temper? Outbursts of shouting/throwing things? Perhaps he punished you previously with the silent treatment or storming out of the house banging doors? Do you spend a lot of time thinking about how you can pre-empt a tantrum or ensure he's happy? Do you do more than you should at home because he resents if you ask him for help? Are you at the point where the children are 100% your responsibility and you get stressed if they cry/need feeding/changing and he's around?

I am one of those women who does believe people can change. But only if they really really want to AND only if they fully accept 100% responsibility for the poor behaviour. And that simply doesn't happen in 99.9999% of cases. Sorry.

Has he moved out to attend therapy?
Or still there?
So you have already forgiven and he can do it again any time?
Separate and at least two years for him to show a change

Have you read 'It ends with us' by Colleen Hoover? There's a huge theme about DV and I found it insightful. Might give you food for thought about your position and the horrible risk of DHs behaviour escalating.

He doesn’t do this to anyone else, does he? All the therapy and “fixing” in the world won’t stop him, not now that he has done it. Once they’ve done it, that’s it. The door is open and he WILL DO IT AGAIN. 100% he will do it again, and it will get worse. It always get worse, especially if he feels any shame for it or feels like he has failed in his therapy and his promises… but he won’t blame himself. He will blame you for making him break his promises, and the violence will increase.

Don’t take the risk. He has started small, giving you the chance to get out before you or your children are hurt. Take the chance he has handed you and get out. Now.

I stayed after my partner sought help. Everyone told me he would be violent again, but he wasn’t. However he was still emotionally abusive and in fact that behaviour became worse. So despite there being no further physical violence I eventually realised I had to leave anyway. I only wish I had left sooner.

Don’t be me OP. Leave now.

Good points about the violence being the top of the ice berg.
Do you tip toe around him?
Do you do most of the child rearing and domestic work.
Does he speak to his boss in the same manner that he speaks to you?
I remember a woman I once knew, she said she could cope with the beatings, it was the psychological abuse which was worse. The name calling, the always putting her down, speaking to her like she was a piece of dirt. You get the drift.

No. It will wear you down like water on a wheel. You will never fully trust him. He will know that he can be physical with you and that there aren't any consequences. Just my experience, others may vary.

Thank you. He is doing therapy because I told him to. His therapist has now suggested couples counselling (!) which we start Monday but I am just feeling so checked out and honestly wondered if I was being unreasonable.

He tells me his therapist says he was provoked because we were shouting at eachother before the push.

No decent therapist would undertake couples counselling when there has been physical domestic violence involved.

This is what I’ve always been led to believe too. I’m interested to see if he’s been straight with her.

@Hospitalbaby surely it's not the same therapist undertaking his individual AND your couples therapy?!?!

@Hospitalbaby also... his therapist allegedly told him he assaulted you because he was provoked? That doesn't ring true either. He's either lying to you or he's got a really really crap therapist.

Also there's a push and there's a PUSH, which was it?

I'd use the couple's therapy to let him know you are leaving him, as you are prioritizing your children's , and your , safety

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

Sorry, I know I'm shouting.

There are only two things that can be happening here (or both):

1 He is lying to you about what his therapist has said. NO therapist worth their salt would ever suggest that the victim is responsible for the violence.

2 he is lying to his therapist about what exactly happened.

Do not go to this therapy.

Honestly, please just leave.

What other shitty behaviours have you put up with from him ove the years? I bet you can think of multiple incidents without even trying?

I’m not sure what you mean but both times it was both hands on my shoulders and pushing me backwards. The first time (when pregnant) I fell back into some dining chairs and the dining table. The second time I stumbled backwards and was ready to fight back to be honest.

I guess @BodyKeepingScore is right tooo. So there's actually three options. the third is that his therapist is a misogynist wanker terrible therapist.

The thing is, it likely isn’t just these two pushes, though that should be enough to make you stop and think. There will be other verbal and micro aggressions and controlling behaviours that you don’t even recognise as abusive.

I don’t think any decent therapist would allow someone to justify physical violence with the ‘I was provoked’ line either. Makes me wonder if he’s actually going to a therapist or just going to the pub or a mates house.

Let me type this very slowly for you...

It. Doesn't. Matter.

If he pushed her in a wy that clearly was considered violent by both of them considering he's even (supposedly) going to therapy.... it was not okay.

Forgive him if you want, but leave him for your safety. DV escalates.

That's what I meant that's a PUSH. Pushing you sideways on one shoulder as in trying to get past rudely would be a push, also unacceptable, but in irritation not such a hanging offence. A PUSH would only happen once and I'd be gone, no questions asked even more so if I were pregnant.