aibu to think I can forgive my partner for DV

[Hospitalbaby]

Married 11 years, two kids under 5.
It's happened twice. Once when I was 17weeks pregnant (a push) and more recently at Christmas (a push again)
Although I wasn't hurt I was very shaken up.
I think about it daily.

My DH is in therapy and hugely trying to fix what he's done.
Aibu to think maybe I can forgive and stay in this relationship?

I’m interested to see if he’s been straight with (the therapist)

I'd be more interested in whether he's going at all, since he doesn't sound like someone who enjoys having his attitudes discussed, and didn't even go on his own accord - you said he went because you told him to?

Hi. I’m sorry you are obviously going through a horrible time. Please have faith that it is all going to be ok.
Your husband is not suddenly going to improve. Next time you will be punched, or strangled, or he will bang your head against a wall. He will blame you for provoking him. He will cry, apologise, say he will get help. It’s a pattern.
There is something not ringing true about the therapist.
Your best move is your parents, assuming they are in the country. They are along way away - so much the better.
If you can get a trusted friend to take you or get them to pick you up, that’s better but you might have to get on a train/bus.
take……
passports and identity paperwork/ documents
proof of his income
details of any money owing that might be in your name
jewellery and valuables, and things you want to keep or are worth money.
If you are taking a train don’t take too many clothes. Only take one favourite toy. Take as much of the accessible money as you can.
Contact a solicitor and women’s aid after you have left. Don’t tell him where you are, don’t leave a note. Don’t contact him. Stop him tracing you through your phone. Leave as soon as possible. Today if possible. Good Luck.

Unless you were blocking his way or becoming violent, then there’s absolutely no reason to push you.

Behaviour always escalates and it’s a concern that this has already happened twice.

No one should lay their hands on their partner, even if they don’t end up leaving bruises.

Just imagine one year from now if you leave. Leaving is the hardest step but once you leave just imagine the future. Your children and yourself will be so much happier. You won't have to worry about violence or being stonewalled. Yes it will be tough on a part time salary and UC but you will make it work. I know as I've been there and yes I dont have as much money but I'm so much happier. My children are happier and that means so much more than anything.

You think about this everyday- do you think its okay to forgive? I don’t think you do or you wouldn’t be asking us. Overwhelmingly people have said this is unacceptable, and that you need to safeguard you and your children.

Last time a ‘push’ next time god knows what it will be? He clearly manages to contain himself in public or at work so he knows how to control his emotions/ behaviour when he wants too.

I am sure there are other behaviours here that are equally as worrying - that are so normalised you don’t realise how awful they are. I agree with others the ‘push’ is unlikely to be the whole story.

Build your confidence, leave and don’t let any empty promises get to you. Take care xx

You gave him a chance, he didn't take it, thankfully you and your baby are both still well.

From someone who's several years out on the other side, I would strongly advise you to make a statement/mention it to someone official, anyone be it gp, police, midwife, whoever so it's on record whilst preparing yourself to leave and set up on your own before doing it as soon as you can. Get the support now. Keep a diary.

Being unhappy/scared/all the random crap emotions due to DV won't leave you in the best state to be a good mum much as you'll likely be doing your best. It might make you look shit and him look good.
Even after you leave/he leaves you you might have PTSD. Best to put a stop to putting yourself and in turn your child through any more trauma. If you leave you can get over the sadness, take all the help you can get and be proud of yourself.

When your children are older and want to live with him because of xyz (maybe he has more money, a nice house, is more relaxed and confident...) and you don't think it's appropriate to bad mouth their dad or open their innocent eyes to the shit reality of what humans can do, but obviously really really don't want them to go... Taking these steps now will massively help and potentially avoid a lot of heartache and ultimately protect your child(ren) from the influence of someone who might have potentially ended their life before it even began.

Plan well and best of luck too.

@Hospitalbaby

The question isn't whether you can forgive, of course you 'can'. People forgive people who have done terrible things all the time. The question is, even if you find it in your heart to forgive him, should you stay in the marriage. And based on your statement "I'm not scared of him, but I definitely don't love him anymore" the answer is 'no'. Even if you manage to 'forgive' you will always carry a bit of resentment and a bit of fear. Why would you want to live like that?

I also had plenty of opportunities to leave, midwife's asked me when home alone if I was safe and I said yes, I could have said no and been gone before he even came home but I didn't have the courage. I told my parents and my friends what was happening 3 months before I finally left.

people say leave and I know first hand it's not that simple, but tell your parents. Tell women's aid, tell someone you need to get yourself and your kids safe. Like I say it's pushed now but it can and will hey worse

Don't be daft. He's got away with it twice. What do you think he's going to do next time, knowing that you'll fall for any of his 'I'm having therapy so you have to accept that and not protect yourself and the children'?

I've recently left a similar situation. He pushed me a few times at first during a disagreement where "I'd deserved it by annoying him" or because I'd "done something wrong." I let it slide but it did escalate. It happened slowly but one push becomes another, over time I started to push him off in defence and then he'd retaliate by actively punching or kicking me.

He was like yours - quiet, slim, not very tall. Not good with emotions - sulky and stonewalling, fan of the silent treatment, and I'd find myself begging to keep the peace.

He went on a DV course but learnt fuck all. When I said I was leaving he begged and cried and bought flowers but when I stood firm and told him he was abusive his only reaction was "it was only a push." and "it's not abuse" - even though he'd BEEN on a DV course. he's never accepted any responsibility but I'm way way better off on my own and out of it.

He pushed a pregnant woman. That’s appalling.

@HogwartsForever11 yes, minus attending a DV course (he would never even have done that) my x is similar. First threw a candle at the wall when I was pregnant. I was shocked. Not that an apology means it never happened, but he instead of apologising for his lack of control he kept shaming me for what I'd ''done'' (I can't remember what I'd done, but you know, basically nothing but something )
Throwing a candle at the wall, became a shove, and a shove became a shove and shouting at me which became a shove and jabbing me and then preventing me from getting up. It always always escalates. And then, the shock is, you're literally the boiled frog. Cos you think, well I didn't leave last week when he shoved me and jabbed me, so this week, I'm suddenly going to leave because he shoved me, jabbed me and grimaced his teeth at me? It seems ''dramatic'' to leave.

I would leave. My ex assaulted me once in 7 years but that was enough to make me change my behaviour around him, make sure I didn't voice my disagreements or bring up things likely to anger him. I used to get heart palpitations when I knew I needed to address something with him.
After the assault he flat out denied it. Just told me I was making it up and none of it had happened. He still sticks to this. I find that even more chilling than the men who beg and plead and apologise to be honest.
As a PP said, often they swap one sort of abusive behavior for another they find more 'acceptable' or less detectable by others such as shouting and verbal abuse, or silent treatment. I managed to get my ex to stop screaming at me that I was a fucking malignant cunt in arguments but he swapped that for just blanking me if I said anything he didn't like. If I persisted he would walk off. I felt like I was being trained to only say and do things he wouldn't find somehow offensive.
Even if someone has only assaulted you once, you will always remember that in your body, in the fear you felt at that time and you'll always be on edge with them in similar situations because now you know what they're capable of doing to you. Especially when they're starting to blur the boundaries of what's OK in certain circumstances like 'being provoked'. That just tells you that whatever he does, there will be some sort of justification for it. Where would your red line be, where no excuses could be made for his behaviour? Punching or kicking you? Get rid before you're having to make those decisions.

Hey. I got out of one of these relationships a year ago.

I was lucky; in that I was prompted to leave by external factors probably a little bit before I was entirely ready and with hindsight I couldn’t be more grateful that I did, because it was well on the way to the level of escalation described here.

I’m genuinely horrified so many of us have been through THE SAME THING and just so glad that I’m out of it now, even if it seemed impossibly hard and hasn’t been easy.

Think of where you could be in a year.

I’m sorry. Please, LTB.

It always starts with “it was just a push”. It will get progressively worse, I promise you that.

Even without the pushing, all of this is unacceptable

He could have killed your unborn child.
Does he push other people, like his colleagues, or just you?

Ps you can forgive him but still leave him and protect your children from him. Please leave safely and seek advice from professionals on how to do so

F me...just NO. Bastard.

How many times will you forgive him? How many times will he have to be violent towards you before you leave him? You know what you need to do OP, gather your strength and supportive friends and family and leave him.

Where did you get this timeline? OP said relationship is 11 years and two kids under 5, so the first instance wasn't 11 years ago

I bet he hasn't pushed anyone else he's had an argument with, colleagues, friends or family. I have been with my dh for 35 years and he has never once pushed me.

I'm not scared of him, but I definitely don't love him anymore

This is enough of a reason to leave him. Not that you need any reason. You don't have to be with anyone you don't want to be with.
I wouldn't have counselling with him, maybe have some on your own to see where you are at and what you need to work on for yourself.

Then get out. Look, if you didn’t have kids then I’d desperately want you to leave but if you didn’t, then the harm only comes to you. But you do have kids. They have no choice, no independence. They can’t remove themselves from an abusive household. It doesn’t if no one is actively abusing them; they live in an abusive household. Get them out of it. Or call SS yourself and ask them to get your kids out of it.

He has assaulted & abused you twice - once when you were even pregnant.

He can control his temper around others so let's be clear it's a choice he makes, rather than something he can't control.

He is in therapy- because you asked him to do it, not because he wanted to, not because he had regrets, not because he wanted to change.

His therapy/lies are bullshit. Therapists don't suggest joint counselling where DV is involved. It's also not working as he continues to try and minimise and mitigate his actions.

Leave.
He's abusive.
He's a liar.
You can't trust him.
He's not a good partner.
He's not a good dad.
You & your children remain at risk.

Pushing a pregnant woman isn’t great is it? And he’s done it more than once. That would be it for me.