Being sent a sympathy card with inappropriate comments

[notedbiscuits]

This person is a former friend and colleague. She has done this practice of sending sympathy cards to people she hasn’t spoken to in years. Again with unsympathetic comments. I know she looked through the death messages in the local rag.

The thing - card about a relative that I lost in January. Hardly anyone knew about the death.

The message is inappropriate and upsetting. Not spoken to her in 9 years as I got fed up with her racist attitude.

On a few occasions she has turned up to funerals sitting near the back. Again why?

She’s 73, married.

I don’t think I’m the one to tell her that stop doing this hurtful things.

I lost my DH last year, and received many cards from all sorts of people. All were appreciated. That card doesn’t sound inappropriate. Time doesn’t heal, but you do adjust.

Ive edited my post, as I'm not sure that what she put is 'unsympathetic'. If you are offended, then she is best ignored. Give her words no power.

I think sending a bereavement card to an ex colleague who you aren’t in touch with, haven’t spoken to for a decade, and who has previously asked you to stop attending events they see you at, for a relative of theirs you didn’t even know, is weird and at best a risk – there was always a distinct possibility in this scenario that it wouldn’t land well

For those saying the woman's being ‘unfairly excluded’ (as though you’re obliged to stay in touch with some random you once worked with), OP says clearly in the first post that she distanced herself years ago because she is racist

@notedbiscuits Im sorry for your loss, but try to reframe her actions.
She took the time to pick out a card, get a stamp, dig out your address and get to a post box, all the while no doubt thinking about you, and reflecting on hard bereavement is, especially the loss of a parent.
her words may have been clumsy, but the spirit was most likely coming from a place of kindness with no intention to upset you.

FFS I was expecting something like "Sorry to hear about Uncle Frank. I once had a dream about him finger-banging me round the back of the Co-op."

What other 'inappropriate' things does she write in these cards?

I'm totally bemused by your anger, having seen the comment she put in the card. That's fairly standard sympathy card material.

😀😀😀

I was recently at a funeral attended by someone the deceased had specifically asked not to come. The funeral director took legal advice and said they could not be prevented.They wished to "say goodbye" to the deceased.

And she is of course entitled to do so. The old lady is also entitled to turn up at a funeral.
OP doesn’t have to interact and has binned the card. It’s a non issue unless it’s bothering her so much to report it to the police. If racist comments were made, that should have been the first port of call. It may have stopped her attending the funeral and sending the card in the first place.

I can understand someone going to a funeral of a person from their past, but not wanting to intrude, so sitting at the back, and slipping away without speaking to anyone. That's not weird, it's not rude.

It would be far ruder to stay around for the wake, stuff yourself as if you hadn't eaten for a week, and then ask for a doggy bag.

So in the communities I lived in, several places in Ireland and England. Communities my friends are from. It is quite normal.

I work with 3 people brought up in Ireland. And as I am in England, work with lots of English people. Lots of English and Irish attended my mums funeral. People who were there because they know me, my brother, my adult daughter.

its really not that uncommon. It’s actually a fairly common joke among the older people I know. Talking 70 plus.

I appreciate you haven’t experienced it. But plenty of people have. As this thread proves. It’s not that unusual.

Lock down was different...

You cannot ban someone from a church. Wedding, funeral or otherwise

https://farewill.com/articles/can-you-legally-stop-someone-coming-to-a-funeral

"One way to avoid having to deal with an unwanted guest is to have a completely private funeral. Usually it’s only a few family members and close friends who come to this sort of funeral.

Be clear in any announcements about the death of your loved one that it’s by invitation only."

That's totally normal with christenings. They are often part of the usual service, but the christening party know that.

"The card is now shredded. What she wrote was something on the lines of “time heals old wounds” and you will get over this."

What's so bad about that?

A strange post 😳

@notedbiscuits i dont see anything inappropriate about her message nor the fact that she sent it. It may have been unwanted though.

That is a standard message in most condolences cards.

take a breath, focus on other things.

No she said she distanced herself because of her racist attitude. Given how she has interpreted the card I'm not sure I'd place much faith on how the OP has judged her attitude.

So-

1. It’s an elderly woman
2. Who struggles socially; Not talking to others at parties, sending cards to people she is no longer in contact with
3. Ostracised from work colleagues because of said struggles in social settings.
4. Has send a card in good faith and has expressed sympathy.

Theres only one person I feel sympathy for in this scenario.

"My colleagues, former colleagues and myself have asked her not to come to retirement/leaving/milestone birthday dos anymore as twice she went to them and didn’t talk to the person in question’s do at all - not even a hello or goodbye. "

So stop telling her, or publishing the information for all to see.
Is that so difficult ?

She's clearly nuts.
Just ignore.

Draw a line under it, do nothing and move on in life, noone will probably turn up to her funeral.

I don't think anything about her sounds 'batshit'. She does sound as if her social skills aren't very good, and as if she's lonely, if she's attending funerals of people she had only tenuous links with, and returning, unwanted, to a workplace to attend other people's retirement dos.

Which is obviously not the OP's problem, but it may explain to an extent the slightly clumsy phrasing of the sympathy card, and why she might be reading the death notices.

To me, it's much weirder that the OP describes her funeral-going and sympathy cards as 'hurtful things'.