Baby Reindeer creator is provoking his stalker

[jengachampion]

SPOILERS AHEAD
I’ll preface this by saying I had a male stalker for 7 years. I moved, changed jobs, and deleted all social media in that time. I’m also a survivor of SA, as well as assault after being spiked, similar to RG in the show.

It completely baffles me that he would completely replicate his stalker down to physical likeness, occupation, accent, exact correspondences and references like hanging curtains.

He is clearly not too worried about people finding the real person, as well as her potentially contacting him again.

If it were me telling my story, I would change all identifying details of both of us, because I would NEVER want to go through it again. RG telling his story this way is hugely weird to me and really speaks to the theme of mutual obsession he hints at in the show.

@jay55
Because he's left the other victims of the stalker exposed and open to harassment.

Surely that is then true of anyone who goes public about a stalker or sexual attacker.

He can't hold himself responsible for how a convicted stalker behaves. As a victim of rape and of having a stalker he needs to do what is right for him.

What a shame that a victim can't share their story without having their motives questioned.

I think the more interesting question is why people are so insistent on shielding this perpetrator of SA and harassment.

Exactly, for me it highlights the absolute lack of protection for victims .

Totally agree with @TextureSeeker

No one should be silencing anyone else. If he chooses this way to tell his story that's up to him. There are hundreds of true life crime programmes every day on multiple channels, this one was no more shocking than any of the others. We don't get to decide how a victim handles the trauma they have been through, it's their story, their outcome.

My partner and I were talking about this, surely if he didn't report it that means the abuser is still out there free to continue grooming, drugging and assaulting others? Is he hoping someone else will come forward now and report them instead? Or is he not bothered about other young, vulnerable individuals falling victim to this?

Rape victims do not have a responsibility to protect others from their rapist.

He isn't responsible for that man's actions. If that man chooses to do it to someone else then he alone is responsible for that, not his victims, not anyone else.

I genuinely don’t see why RG should not write about his experiences in any way he likes- whether a woman (or another man) would feel happy/safe to do the same is pretty irrelevant to his story or his right to portray it in the manner of his choosing.

He may feel that making it public makes it less likely that she would overstep that boundary? or maybe he just does not care if she is affected one way or the other. Maybe it’s a form of revenge. Who know- but whatever the truth is, he does not owe her his silence or to disguise her. If it were a woman telling her story, many in here would he infuriated if she were told she’d told her story “in the wrong way”- she would be commended for her bravery in telling her story by most on MN. Very few would say she had victimised her stalker, far less have sympathy for him or seek to find a reason to excuse his behaviour. Victims don’t need to be nice people, or to have reacted or responded well/ as expected of a victim to still be victims. Few of us are perfect, which means very few victims will be.

It strikes me as a shame that some women need to take any situation where something horrible has happened to a man and use it to point out how much worse women have it. Yes, it may be true that women are more likely to be physically harmed by a male stalker, but does that mean stalking a man is somehow something that should be ignored or seen as less important? I don’t think a man being raped is less serious than a woman being raped. It is traumatising for both victims, there isn’t a heirarchy here.

seeking equality of treatment and outcome should not come about by trying to minimise the seriousness of a crime when men are involved. It is true that violent and/or sexual crimes against women are often treated differently by police and prosecutors, which is utterly wrong- but that needs to be tackled as it’s own issue, not by trying to suggest the same crime committed by against a man (or by a woman) is less significant.

I gather she’s closed her personal FB page down or at least tightened her settings.

There’s a new FB page in her name with Martha as the middle name. I’m assuming she’s not behind that one.

So is literally everyone on this thread and every thread on an Internet forum, the thoughts and conversations we have.... The only people who DO know are him and her. However, rule number 1 of human behaviour is survival. If anyone thought theirs was in jeopardy, they wouldn't compromise it. Which I believe is the point of the thread male /female etc

I've said this in the telly thread as well, this show is very twisted- my conclusion is that Netflix have been irresponsible to put it out there as it is. This is not surprising given most of their content is sordid true crime and they made a glamorising Jeffrey Dahmer series without consulting the families of his victims, but it's a serious problem. And yes, the true crime "documentaries" are also a serious problem, but I watched this because it was recommended to me as good art. In a way it was like the audience at his on-stage breakdown were tricked into thinking they were there for a comedy show.

IMHO the story should've been fictionalised, changing identifying details. Then it could've preserved its emotional impact as a story about stalking/abuse against a man, but some of the ethical issues could've been mitigated. Most art, even sci-fi/fantasy, is based on reality, but that doesn't mean it has to take things from real life verbatim. I do wonder if this was done because Gadd wanted revenge, or if he is simply not good enough of a writer to be able to build upon what happened.

I also think the discussion about victim blaming is kind of missing the point. Gadd/Donny should not be blamed for being abused- however he behaved with "Martha"/"Darrien", it's the abuser's fault. However, that doesn't absolve the victim from the harm they are bringing onto others. In the show, I do blame "Donny" for his behaviour with his ex, her mother, and Teri- if this is what he's willing to admit to, I bet the real life behaviour was 100 times worse. And in reality... is the actress playing Martha at risk too, for playing such a thinly veiled version of the stalker in a show designed to attract the stalker's attention? What about other people involved in the show? What about the men who are rumoured to be "Darrien"? There have been several names bandied about, obviously only one can be guilty if any, the others are just being defamed. And so on.

Unless it's just some person pretending? Anyone can be anyone online. I could be her.

Every thread on the internet isn’t made up of speculation. I had a stalker when I was at university. Was an awful time for my family as well as myself. I wouldn’t think twice now about speaking out about because I’m not in fear of him anymore. He clearly isn’t in fear of her anymore. You’re allowed to speak out about your own life and no longer being too fearful to do that has nothing to do with being male or female. Unless we’re going down the road it being ok to domestically abuse men because they can fight back. She was convicted of stalking him and served a prison sentence. She wasn’t a child at the time. He’s allowed to name her if he wants to and has chosen not to.

not watched the show but it seems like he is doing it all for attention, fame and money

Yeah comments are turned off but you can see her posting history and photos and I’d be amazed if this person wasn’t Martha.

PPs suggesting Netflix shouldn’t have shown it/in this form are forgetting Netflix is a business and don’t care about impact on individuals- only profit.

I must say I do tend to agree with another poster who said they're bombarded with BR stuff and it seems a bit fishy. I found it very interesting that the part of Donny wasn't played by an actor. What's the point in using a fictional name if the part is played by the actual guy.
It just feels a bit, I don't know, like it's all just lapping up the attention very nicely.
For what it worth, I though Donny was kind of a twat. Not that being a twat means you deserve such awful actions but the guy seems to lap up the attention, whether it's good or bad. I guess he doesn't really care if real Martha pops up again, he'd appreciate the attention.

Well surely that's pretty much anyone's motivation for making a TV show/movie or getting into acting...

He definitely should have fictionalised this way more. I do believe it was some type of double bluff gone wrong.
In this day and age , (and I don't mean to undermine his intelligence) you should absolutely know that putting something out like this to the world, will be investigated by sofa detectives. Especially Netflix series/documentaries.
The thing that makes me think his rapist IS who people are speculating, is that his "Martha would not recognise herself from this show" turned out to be completely untrue. So if he actually did cast people to look like who they really were.. there is no denying that it is SF. The resemblance is absolutely spot on.

But even if this were true, which it isn't, surely she knows she stalked him and he played himself so she would know it was about her

Haha, exactly: he's a stand-up comedian and a writer. He uses his life experience as content. That's basically the job....

There was no point anonymising it. People would have googled it anyway and he's already done confessional stand-up about the whole thing.

Chill. I didn't say anything disagreeing with you, you're clearly still very triggered. I also have my own experience of a stalker that was terrifying, with police involved and I would never highlight that to the public. Not to protect the arsehole who hurt me. To protect myself.

Totally agree with this.

That's a fake profile.

The real Martha is coming across very deranged on her FB. Saying she has never met Richard Gadd then saying she has and saying horrible stuff about his dad. The writing style is exactly the same as Martha. I'll eat my hat if it's not her.

Sent pm 👍

She has stalked multiple people, why do you feel sorry for her? Would you feel sorry for her if she was stalking one of your friends/ family or your children? Would you feel sorry for her if she was a man stalking a woman? It’s more than likely she will do it again.