To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

[AmITheGrabbyDIL]

Backstory… PIL live abroad. We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life and so that the DC could have a relationship with their GP. It hasn’t quite worked out like that. We barely see PIL (their choice) and they have no interest in the GC.

Since we moved here we have rented. The rental market here is in crisis. There are roughly 60 people going for each vacant property and families living in tents as they can’t find anywhere to live.

We earn enough to buy a house but would need a large deposit. We don’t earn enough to pay our exorbitant rent AND save.

Out of the blue, our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week and we cannot afford to stay in our current house.

Our childcare costs are astronomical. To be honest, I guess I expected PIL to help out a bit, given that they’re fit and healthy and live down the road. But no. They’ve never helped.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

So anyway they have just announced that they are selling their big house and moving to a flat as they no longer want the responsibility of their huge garden. Mortgage was paid up 30 years ago. And I know this sounds extremely grabby, but my first thought was, “oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

I am 99% sure they will say No. But I’m really worried about our housing situation so I think it’s worth asking.

I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter 😆. He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit.

Anyway, AIBU for wanting to ask them? Please be honest. Thanks.

Sorry didn't know about Brissie. Still, it is listed as disturbing. So not a common thing. That is probably what I was trying to say. I know the rental crisis in Australia is terrible ( though very annoyingly there are currently 43000 empty properties just in NSW). I think a lot of "popular" countries are having the same problem. I was probably more dubious of the pp who had 2 friends earning 300k but unable to find somewhere to live or buy. That seems highly unusual.

Im sorry my priority wouldn't be business class holidays if my children are working hard and still having financial difficulties.

Maybe they think people with financial difficulties shouldn't move abroad on a whim.

You're not being unreasonable to ask but it's a bit pointless when you know they'll refuse.

Me again - it really isn’t unusual for those with no rental history. For us the real estate agent had many applications (I actually don’t know how many just that 100 went through first open day). Anyone who can’t provide references as a tenant gets culled right away by my real estate. Perhaps not ideal - but that is how they do it. I don’t feel great about not being able to help everyone but that is how it is. I am no property mogul - we will be moving back into the property when we return to Sydney “for good”.

I know the OP has a specific situation here, but it is the old story of not beng able to afford a deposit for a house.

I appreciate the single mum that said she basically didn't have a life for 5 years and lived in a shit hole, the bought a wreck to do up, just to be home owner but honestly that amount of misery just isn't worth it for most people. Life is too short.

for a house worth £180k, for example, a couple would have to save £36k at least for a deposit if no family offerings were on the table. That is a daunting amount to a couple who can only put £250 a month away at most. You have to have a life as well, otherwise what's the point?

In the OP's situation, and for others like them, the only option is to move to affordable area or country, and hope that 5% mortgages happen again at some stage. It sounds like their hand is forced now anyway.

Anecdotally, my MIL discussed in horror her friends daughter and husband that could barely afford to live and pay rent, despite both being teachers. The actual problem was they wanted to not only live in London, but in a certain area of London. Sometimes the problem is very easily solved.

I thought Australia too - because “the bank of mum and dad” is now the considered only way for first home buyers to get together a big enough deposit to break into the housing market here, unless you inherited a lot of wealth already.
Having good jobs alone is now not enough to get a mortgage, unless you are prepared to move quite far out and spend a lot of time travelling to work.
My daughter hopes to move out in a few months and get an Inner West Sydney rental with a friend. I honestly think they will find it difficult to get a place with all the competition and no rental history.

Op l am shocked by your post, their money is not yours! It doesn't matter how well they live or spend it is up to you to fund your family and home.
It comes across as grabby.

Nearly everyone I know (I am Gen X) who has bought a house had help with the deposit from either parents or inlaws. I find the 'well you should be able to stand on your own two feet' outrage that these kind of threads always generate (presumably from Boomers who don't want to help out their own kids) pretty irritating. A lot of people on decent salaries are struggling with the cost of living, let alone saving up for a massive deposit.

I really think you should get DH to ask them for a deposit.

They may well disapprove of renting and think you are unwise doing so. (not of course understanding the current housing costs).

If DH and NOT you, sets out written information for them to take away and asks them round and gives it to them you knever know!

For example, if your rent was mortgage payments they may have a revalation and see why having a deposit would be a wonderful gift.

I don't think there is much to lose.

I agree with other PP - move back to your home country

Be pissed off. And yes, I know what you are saying, I get it.

How many foreign holidays have you had in last 2 years? How many meals out? How many takeaways and ready meals, how much new furniture and furnishings. Car/s?

We just didn't. We made do. Even if it pisses you off, this is a fact. Our mortgages were also much much more expensive- very long hours, and low salaries. Pisses you off? Be my guest.

Maybe they should not have had children if they can't afford to buy somewhere to live?

If the parents want to help out great, if they don't tough. They are not obliged to help and if they want holidays then it is up to them

when I bought my first house in the early 1980s it was with a deposit I saved in exactly the same way. Things really haven’t changed so very much.

Wtf? @EveryKneeShallBow we bought as a couple in the late 70s, with 3.5 times one salary (a single person could only borrow 2.5 times their salary) and a 5% deposit. My kids are great savers but there's no way they can find a property be same area that's even eight or nine times one salary, and trying to save for a 10-15% deposit and pay a mortgage of seven times one salary is nigh on impossible. Things have changed vastly since our day.

You're the kind of person of my generation that gives us a bad name.

My DC's housing situation is very much harder than ours was. My eldest saved every bit as hard as we did, and didn't spend anything on avocados, coffees or any of the subjects of stupid tropes that people like you come out with. And even then she couldn't have bought her minute place without my support. At her age we were in three bed semi and about to move to a for bed, not a one bed terrace in the same area.

Some people here are so unkind, I can't imagine any parents happy to know their children are struggling if they can financially afford to help.

Exactly this. My own parents could also easily have afforded to help out but didn't - they for many reasons would never win 'parents of the year' though. I am the complete opposite with my kids - I've been saving for them since they were born, so they'll have money towards a house deposit when the time comes. I don't earn mega-bucks or have loads of savings but the most important thing to me is that my kids are OK and live happy lives.

You're in a terrible situation and I totally understand how you got there

Your choices here are:

1. Ask for the money as a gift or loan?

1. Ask to move in with them in the big house as you can't get a rental - bet your Dh has a laugh at that too

3, move back to England where frankly it is easier to rent

1. Rent a caravan? Trailer park? Tent - this is the bad options

I also want to personally say I'm very sorry about your in laws - you clearly moved there thinking they'd care and/or help a bit.

You're right, they don't give a fuck - they just wanted a convenient long haul holiday destination when they visited you here

I would 100% text them/whatsapp them saying very pointedly that they can easily afford Christmas presents but they're making a perfectly valid choice with their money to spend it on £10 grand holidays

I wouldn't let the 'we can't afford it' slide as that's really annoying

When I was younger I didn't have help with a deposit from parents or inlaws (DM was medically retired by this time and I don't have inlaws).

I certainly had 'help' in the form of an inheritance and then also stepdad being guarantor for my mortgage (DM would've but she was medically retired) otherwise on my salary as an EA/PA I'd never have afforded to have bought my flat on my own, in the SE London area.

DB and SIL are even now being gifted a significant amount of money from their DP's in able to be able for them to buy a house as DB works on contracts (could get a mortgage but is older so it would be a longer term) and it's only his DW's salary really. IL's would like e.g. to be able to do a loft/attic conversion but have put this on hold to be able to gift them this money. DB and SIL know they are incredibly lucky to have this gift.

A bit different for DB's BIL (SIL's DB) is that they moved back to the area where they're from originally (far cheaper to buy there) and the DW in that scenario will/has inherited significantly from her DP's.

SIL and DB could not and do not want to move to that area (where IL's, SIL's DP's live) but, in theory they could move there if they so wanted.

I had a grandmother like that growing up and my parents at a stage had to ask money for the same thing as you and we where all surprised she said yes . Off course she mentioned every time we saw her until she died but if you don’t see him much might be worth a try . Speak with them . What do you have to loose .

I think a lot of people want to live pretty comfortably whilst trying to acquire a home. Unless you are wealthy, that is hard to do and you cannot have it all. It’s strange to me to ask parents for large sums of money but then again, my parents didn’t have the money to give. Reduce your expenses - no holidays, potentially live with parents with reduced rent, cook from scratch, make own lunches, no coffees, shop at cheaper shops, no/very few dinners out. Actually live frugally. Additionally, or alternatively, increase your income. Learn a new skill, get a new job, side hustle. If you want something, you have to push yourself and choose a different path to get it.

The idea of just saying “I’d like a house, mum and dad can you pay for it please” is somewhat bizarre to me. But I guess many people do. Your H could also consider making a more palatable request e.g. asking for less money, asking for a loan (but interest free), asking for money that would come out of any inheritance.

Some people just don't want to live a miserable, joyless life year after year due to saving every penny just to scrape a deposit together, and don't like the smugness that comes from people that have. Life is too short.

It's also not the answer to the situation - deposits should be lower, there should be proper, wide spread schemes to help first time buyers get on the ladder and not lose out to armature property tycoons .

Also, if you bought anywhere up to 2007/2008 saving for a 5% deposit was much more realistic than now.

Nothing stopping her from asking her own parents then if she isn't expecting a hand out. If it's good enough for the PIL's, it's good enough for her's.

I’m not saying you didn’t have it rough, or that people shouldn’t scrimp and save for a deposit. I did that, I lived like a pauper for years and I’d still be doing it 15 years on if I hadn’t had a bereavement that left me money. I also did a vaccine trial out of desperation to get more money as well as living in shitty house shares with awful flatmates to save as much as possible. All through my late 20s and early 30s. But saying mortgages were much more expensive back then compared to now isn’t necessarily true.

https://inews.co.uk/news/uk-mortgage-rate-crunch-bigger-80s-90s-2416325

“Economists have also told i that because mortgages are bigger in relation to earnings now than they were 25 years ago, the impact of rates rising could be double what it was then. “

I know there are exceptions and outliers in every generation, but GENERALLY speaking buyers these days have it harder, more expensive and vastly more out of reach even trying to get on the property ladder.

Im not trying to diminish the struggles of people in the 80s, but the stats speak for themselves. It’s further out of reach trying to save for a deposit now than it was in the 80s or 90s.

A lot of people are living frugally and taking on side hustles just to pay their living costs, let alone save for a deposit. Times have changed and people working now are poorer than they were in the post-war/pre-2007 period. Those who made their money during this period are insulated from this.

Going against the grain on this with my view. As a parent if my adult child and their family needed financial help, it would be given. If I can, if I have it, if they need it, it's theirs.
No pockets in shrouds.

Best of luck, OP with your rental search and it's awful you feel shitty.