To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

[AmITheGrabbyDIL]

Backstory… PIL live abroad. We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life and so that the DC could have a relationship with their GP. It hasn’t quite worked out like that. We barely see PIL (their choice) and they have no interest in the GC.

Since we moved here we have rented. The rental market here is in crisis. There are roughly 60 people going for each vacant property and families living in tents as they can’t find anywhere to live.

We earn enough to buy a house but would need a large deposit. We don’t earn enough to pay our exorbitant rent AND save.

Out of the blue, our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week and we cannot afford to stay in our current house.

Our childcare costs are astronomical. To be honest, I guess I expected PIL to help out a bit, given that they’re fit and healthy and live down the road. But no. They’ve never helped.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

So anyway they have just announced that they are selling their big house and moving to a flat as they no longer want the responsibility of their huge garden. Mortgage was paid up 30 years ago. And I know this sounds extremely grabby, but my first thought was, “oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

I am 99% sure they will say No. But I’m really worried about our housing situation so I think it’s worth asking.

I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter 😆. He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit.

Anyway, AIBU for wanting to ask them? Please be honest. Thanks.

You can ask they will probably say no but you aren't losing anything by asking.
I think they are being unreasonable I have and always will prioritise my children over holidays etc. Just because they are adults it doesn't mean I could wash my hands of them and not help when I can when they need it.

I'd move back to where I was before and not entertain holidays or listen to them complaining.

Perhaps you could phrase it as a loan? Ie you will pay them mortgage interest ? ( better than they could get on a fixed term deposit?),

good luck!

Ask but axpect them to say NO. If your husband is their only child they might be more likely to think it is a smart move.

If they do agree they might wish the house deposit to be a loan. They might see your rent money as a huge waste of money for the family so they might agree.

Don't take it personally if they say NO.

Pisses me right off when the “if you save like we did in the 80s and don’t eat out you could still manage it” brigade appear on these threads.

https://todaysconveyancer.co.uk/buying-home-less-half-affordable-1990s-study-finds/

4 times the average income vs 8.8 times the average income now. Which means people now need larger deposits to cover that gap. My friend had to put down 40% deposit to get mortgaged on a one bed flat due to this. My parents put a 10% deposit on their first house in the 80s, which was 4 times my dad’s wage. It boggles me that people think it’s down to buying too many takeaway coffees.

A 10% deposit on my current house is equivalent to my annual wage. That means I’d have to save a years worth of salary and get a 9 times my salary mortgage to afford it (which nobody offers quite rightly) or save the equivalent of my entire salary for 5 years to get a big enough deposit then mortgage.

Full disclosure: I do own, but on top of saving I sadly inherited some money. I’d still be renting in my mid 40s otherwise.

So it will take you 100 years to pay your parents back?

I am fortunate enough to own a 2 bed apartment in that area of Sydney mentioned which we are currently renting out. Our tenants moved out a few weeks ago so we advertised for new ( via real estate agent as we are living overseas at present). We had over 100 people lining up at first inspection and many applications..no fibs here.

You've known them 15 years and I'm that time they have tightfisted and never shown any interest in your children or buy them anything, your husband this son laughed at you when you suggested asking them for money yet you still feel the need to bring this to mumsnet?

OP, I think you're being outrageous to even think of asking your in laws to GIVE you a large sum of money. If your husband asked them for a loan that would be a little different, but still unreasonable to ask for a large amount from the same of their house.

It's not your business how your in laws choose to prioritise how they spend their money and if they prefer to economise on using their heating to help them to go on holidays, that's up to them. They are presumably retired and are entitled to enjoy the plans they have made for this time of their lives

It may be the case that your in laws need to downsize so that they can live off the surplus money from their house sale. They have presumably worked hard during their lives to buy their house and to have paid off their mortgage some time ago, possibly having always seen selling it later as a form of income when they got older. It may also be the case thst they have already considered helping their son out anyway once they sell the house. but if I was in their position and had decided I would help financially, if my daughter or son in law asked me to give them a large sum of money, they wouldn't get a penny. I think the OP sounds incredibly entitled.

It's not her place to ask them. If her DH who is their son said no then its not the DILs place to go ask her PILs for money.

Why don’t you go back to your home country if property ownership is more affordable and that’s your goal. It doesn’t appear as if your PILs asked you to relocate in the first instance. You sound terribly grabby

Her husband might also have a more realistic understanding of his parents' financial position than the OP. DILs on Mumsnet very frequently think their in laws are loaded and should hand them a deposit, while having no such expectations of their own parents.

Yep, this. You need to figure out where you can afford to live - ideally where you could afford to buy asap because renting anywhere is so insecure, you have children and you don't want to end up in the same situation again. Tell the PIL the reality of the situation to make sure they are aware that you may need to move (far) away due to living costs and you can't afford a deposit to buy where you are. But don't tell them because you think they'll offer ££ - only for their information.

Make your choice based on what is right for your immediate family - not the PIL, they've shown they're not that bothered about you or your DC. Galling when you've moved there to be close to them but you just have to take the lesson when people disappoint like that and make the next steps to suit yourselves.

It is not unreasonable to ask & it is not unreasonable for them to say no.

A straight forward request may seem to them too much & it may benefit you not to over emphasise how you are struggling for the deposit as you can afford the repayments.

I suggest you appeal to their natural thriftiness & optimising their income by pointing out that they can ‘gift’ money to your DH or your DC in a tax efficient way, & start the very sensible process of transferring their wealth before death & taxes catch up with them. Maybe suggest a consultation with a professional estate planner 😉.

Their well-off peers are likely doing this generational gifting already & so it may happen to appeal to their innate savviness & generosity etc.

It is unreasonable to have expectations of being funded just because you are struggling.

Totally grabby to ask for a gift . A loan is different though .

I don't think you are being grabby or entitled to be honest. I've worked in conveyancing area and lots of parents and in-laws gift or loan their children deposits for a house/property. When the costs of buying a property, moving (as in solicitors fees, Stamp Duty (or equivalent) are so much these days in most countries around the world compared to when your IL's bought, why shouldn't they help you out if they can?

However, also in that area (legal), money is brought up in other areas of life, e.g. how to plan for their future which we sort of did advise people on, but more on POAs, wills, other investment properties, especially when people were retired, but we were guided as to what they wanted to do and then advised, we weren't financial advisors.

Certain parents I've heard of are a bit like your PIL though and I do think they're being a bit unfair, barely visiting you and your DC.

You could ask for the gift of money to be a loan rather than a gift, maybe offset against your DH's possible inheritance.

I would though as pps have said, move back to your original home country (no idea where you are) and let your IL's visit and so on, but listen to them with a pinch of salt re their Christmas presents and financial situations, which could well be exaggerated.

Loaning money to family members can cause so many problems though, especially large amounts like this.

You are completely wrong.

Here is just one example, in Brisbane.

Disturbing sight in Brisbane park as Aussies turn to tents amid rental crisis | news.com.au — Australia’s leading news site

I don't think you're being outrageous, OP, but it sounds as though it would be pointless to ask.

Many of my friends have either been helped out with a deposit by their parents, or helped their kids out. Some of my younger friends have been gifted money by GPs or inherited from GPs.

You can't afford to live where you live. You need to move and/or find better paying jobs. I'd be moving back home or to a cheaper area and leaving PIL to it. Not a cat in hell's chance I'd ask PIL to help financially. Also not a cat in hell's chance I'd be providing care for them in their old age.

Why not move home OP? Are your parents still around? Would they help?

True . You never know how it will go . But at least it’s not so brazenly cheeky .

Exactly this but never will i understand parents of any age that don't want to help their kids if they can of course. Im sorry my priority wouldn't be business class holidays if my children are working hard and still having financial difficulties.

You moved for a better life and yet are struggling to have somewhere to live! Maybe you should move back.

I think you just have to grit your teeth and cut your inlaws out of your life. You never know, this might even have more of a (positive for you) effect. I suspect that they might be hoping you will come begging... just to "get off" on turning you down (or maybe "promising" and then playing with you like a cat plays with a mouse).

Do you mind telling me which country you live in, as I have lived independently as a single person in many countries, so have a sort of database of how/where to rent? I am thinking it must be the USA, Canada or Australia (which I do not know), as it does not sound like Scandinavia or mainland Europe ("our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week" - not usually allowed) even though you write about expensive childcare.

My advice: do NOT raise the money question with the inlaws. You never know, there is a very outside possibility they may offer you themselves as a tidy way to earn a secure income...