To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

[AmITheGrabbyDIL]

Backstory… PIL live abroad. We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life and so that the DC could have a relationship with their GP. It hasn’t quite worked out like that. We barely see PIL (their choice) and they have no interest in the GC.

Since we moved here we have rented. The rental market here is in crisis. There are roughly 60 people going for each vacant property and families living in tents as they can’t find anywhere to live.

We earn enough to buy a house but would need a large deposit. We don’t earn enough to pay our exorbitant rent AND save.

Out of the blue, our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week and we cannot afford to stay in our current house.

Our childcare costs are astronomical. To be honest, I guess I expected PIL to help out a bit, given that they’re fit and healthy and live down the road. But no. They’ve never helped.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

So anyway they have just announced that they are selling their big house and moving to a flat as they no longer want the responsibility of their huge garden. Mortgage was paid up 30 years ago. And I know this sounds extremely grabby, but my first thought was, “oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

I am 99% sure they will say No. But I’m really worried about our housing situation so I think it’s worth asking.

I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter 😆. He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit.

Anyway, AIBU for wanting to ask them? Please be honest. Thanks.

@AmITheGrabbyDIL When I was young I hated asking for any help of any kind because I felt I should just manage on my own, go without or that the answer would be No. What I have discovered over many years is that it is ok to sometimes ask for help. If the answer is No, you have lost absolutely nothing, except the certainty that at least you didn't leave that stone unturned. If you don't ask you don't get.

Ask your PIL, or better still get your DH to explain about the housing emergency and ask them to gift or loan the deposit. Do it with the expectation that they will say No, but at least you will have tried. After that if they refuse, look at moving somewhere where housing is more affordable and don't knock yourself out trying to keep in touch with them.

I can't ever imagine being well off and not wanting to help my children get on the housing ladder, let alone see them homeless. You and DH are not being "grabby" or "entitled" to ask for help with a deposit, you are just asking, they have the option to say No.

Yes, I agree with this but I would ask for a gift first and then ask for a loan if they say no.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

Does it occur to you that the reason they can afford to take expensive holidays is because they prioritise that and economise in other areas - jumpers rather than heating, Christmas gifts?

People spend their money on what they care about and matters to them. It doesn't mean they are 'tight' at all.

Can you go back to the country you lived before? No point living in a place where people live in tents due to bad housing.

Is things are as difficult as you say, then I think your husband should speak to his parents about it. If they knew how much you are struggling then that may change their attitude. You have nothing to lose by asking.

But parents raised the children. Now those children are adults, any help is a bonus, not entitlement.

Or maybe the parents shouldn't have had children if they weren't going to adapt to a changing world and help them out? Your logic doesn't work.

Since when should parents be responsible for financing their married adult children?

Can you phrase it as a way to avoid inheritance tax? If they survive 7 years after they gift it, it is not included in their estate. If they’re very frugal they might just accept it.

It’s such a shame they don’t help more and show interest in their GC. I truly can’t understand some people!

I would ask the PILs but do it as a loan and have repayment terms and length worked out and state that you are willing to have it as a legal document. That might be more palatable for them.

It's a disturbing sight to see so many, but people are living in tents all over the place, not just in Brisbane. People are queuing up in long lines to inspect and put their names down for horrid overpriced units, as there is such a shortage of housing - largely influenced by the prevalence of air b'n'b's, in my view - and rental prices are being jacked up hundreds of dollars a week all over the country, also. This is not an isolated incident, it is a nationwide rental crisis.

The worsening rental crisis in Australia – Parliament of Australia (aph.gov.au)

It's not about logic though is it? If they don't want to help that is the end of it, there is no rule that says they should.

Maybe they are just one of the many many couples who regret having children and now want to enjoy time as a couple without always worrying about their children/grandchildren and all the hassle they can entail.

I think your unreasonable to ask. If it's offered you graciously accept. However, you really should expect anything of anyone. It's very entitled. Personally, I'd never ask anyone for anything.

Yes, it's their money. But grandparents who would see their grandchildren made homeless while it's in their power to help aren't really worth bothering with.

We had to scrimp and save for a deposit with both of us working in pretty good jobs.

We bought a very small house in 1981 40 miles from where we both worked because we could not afford to stay in that area.

We had everything secondhand (something almost all youngsters would not even consider) except a bed. We sat on camping chairs for about a year before we could get a secondhand sofa.

We still had to scrimp because we had train fares to get to our jobs 40 miles away and, of course, the interest rate went up and up and up and up. We lived on beans on toast for ages, didn't go out, didn't buy clothes, didn't have any holidays for years and years, didn't get takeaway coffees or meals etc.

so they don't bother with them then. The parents obviously aren't interested in them or their children so not sure why OP keeps seeing them and as to moving to another country to be closer to them!!!

I would definitely ask! No harm in them saying no? Can you move countries ?

Move back home so that after all this you won’t be expected to care for one or both of them when they’re old.

@Wallaw it's not "washing your hands of your children" not to help pay for their house deposit.

Parents have to plan for their retirements and to think about funding their own futures too.

Personally I can't imagine putting my parents in a situation where they had to give up their holidays to fund me as a fully grown adult.

What about moving home, @AmITheGrabbyDIL ? Or least to somewhere cheaper?

Jesus Christ, no one is suggesting they give up their holidays but maybe they could miss out on one ot two or take slightly more modest holidays for a couple of years or you know NOT FLY BUSINESS CLASS. It is not either or!

It is very telling, her DH's laugh to her request.

I bet he knows far more about how they are with money (generous), knows they will never change, let alone gift/loan them money for a deposit.

In my world, I'd be petty and leave DH to deal with them now, but after all their gameplaying re not seeing grandchildren etc, there'd be F all I'd do re their care in their old age in the future, though I'd be nice/civil when I saw them of course and as a DIL. I wouldn't be going out of my way with anything at all though. And there's absolutely no need for the PA comments which they know DIL will hear about 'not being able to afford to give each other Christmas presents this year'. All smacks a bit of Fleabag's TV series comments (her DF and future MIL said the same to her!).

British statistics
View all data used in this statistical bulletin

• In 2022, full-time employees in England could expect to spend around 8.3 times their annual earnings buying a home. The equivalent figure in Wales is 6.2 times their annual earnings.

• Over the last 25 years, housing affordability has worsened in every LA, especially in London or surrounding areas.

• In 1997, 89% of LAs had an affordability ratio of less than five times workers’ earnings, whereas only 7% had this level of affordability in 2022.

....things have changed a lot.

Well lots of people own without gifted deposits! Come on!

Just ask, all they can say is no

@AmITheGrabbyDIL FWIW I don't think you're grabby OP, I think you're desperate. If it's at the stage where it's tent or bust then dispatch DH to speak to them, lay it out that you can't afford anything and so you'll have to move back to home country...unless they can help. See what happens then.

Is it possible to live in their home and pay rent to them while they live in an apartment?

Hope you get sorted.