To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

[AmITheGrabbyDIL]

Backstory… PIL live abroad. We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life and so that the DC could have a relationship with their GP. It hasn’t quite worked out like that. We barely see PIL (their choice) and they have no interest in the GC.

Since we moved here we have rented. The rental market here is in crisis. There are roughly 60 people going for each vacant property and families living in tents as they can’t find anywhere to live.

We earn enough to buy a house but would need a large deposit. We don’t earn enough to pay our exorbitant rent AND save.

Out of the blue, our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week and we cannot afford to stay in our current house.

Our childcare costs are astronomical. To be honest, I guess I expected PIL to help out a bit, given that they’re fit and healthy and live down the road. But no. They’ve never helped.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

So anyway they have just announced that they are selling their big house and moving to a flat as they no longer want the responsibility of their huge garden. Mortgage was paid up 30 years ago. And I know this sounds extremely grabby, but my first thought was, “oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

I am 99% sure they will say No. But I’m really worried about our housing situation so I think it’s worth asking.

I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter 😆. He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit.

Anyway, AIBU for wanting to ask them? Please be honest. Thanks.

Yeah just to add to this. I’m a single parent. I earn a good salary. It JUST covers rent, childcare, bills, food, clothes (for DS) and necessities with a small amount over for one low cost holiday a year. I don’t run a car. I don’t get my hair or nails done. I don’t go out. I don’t own nice things. I budget like crazy.

There’s no money coming from family, and no way am I ever going to be able to buy a house under my own steam now.

The holiday is admittedly a luxury, but it’s not the different between getting a house or not. It IS the difference between me losing my mind and not.

so please think before you post these “it is possible” comments. Maybe 10,20 years ago. But now? On one ave or even good salary whilst renting? No chance.

Yes, this. You need to prioritise family security, a safe permanent place to live. Let your DH take the lead, they are his parents. This is a good way of leaving this with them, if they want you to stay then they will offer to help.

Maybe because you can do all the research you want but won't know until you try?
OP made a decision to move abroad and took the risks that came with it, no need to batter her. Life doesn't always pan out as we plan.

Is your DH from the country you moved to or is it a random country your PILs decided to move to? I ask because if it's your DH's home country he had his own reasons for moving back and it's just not panned out financially but may offer other things. I doubt you upped sticks and moved (possibly across the world) on the basis of possible childcare but it's a real shame they're so tight and uninterested in their GC. If they're downsizing and changing their lives it may be a good time to ask for help - what have you got to lose? They could have a share in your house perhaps so they see it as an investment.

If you said which country you're living in people may have more specific suggestions for you.

Yes, why not do this?

It is the lack of rental properties available. 60 people lining up is not an exaggeration, nor is it uncommon for working people and families to be forced to live in their cars or a tent. It is really dire.

It doesn't sound like the in laws are especially wealthy given that they go without heating to be able to pay for their holidays 🤷‍♀️

Oh I am sorry the replies make you feel even worse. But see the quote above- I am afraid I also belong to that generation who had to make do with bits of second hand furniture and baby gear, very rarely go out for a meal or take away, to go on holidays abroad, not have fancy cars, etc, etc and more etc.

And yes, tbh, it is hard to listen to ACs and younger friends say they can't possibly save, whilst watching them having a lifestyle which clearly makes it indeed impossible. And yet, yes, we did give money for deposits- bust sometimes had to very tightly button our lips.

Relationships take a long time to build, and lack of communication over a long period, building resentment- can be difficult to get over.

So why not try and find out why they choose not to spend too much time with you now you've moved over. Too strict with 'demands', expecting them to take over childcare? Or something else. This didn't come out of the blue.

But I would ask to speak to them and somehow try to clear the air. And then ask for a LOAN, not a GIFT. Sadly however, if you and DH have not tried to build bridges and communicate better about the rift building up- you will have to go easy and gently- ot they will see right through you.

Godd luck. There is nothing wrong in asking for a loan.

And in re-assessing your expectations re house to buy- are you being realistic. And location too. And lifestyle, of course if relevant.

I would honestly explain your situation to them and ask if they would be prepared to loan you the money for you to pay back at a monthly agreed rate and see what they say. You have nothing to lose!

I don't think they sound tight either.

As I've got older I'm much less into stuff than I to travel and I was never that into stuff in the first place.

There is a saying that goes something like ' If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got '
I guess I'm trying to say - ask but don't be surprised by the answer !

It sounds awful, they sound very cold people.

You say “no harm in asking”
that’s a big assumption
A DIL asking me , against her dh better judgement, to gift money for a deposit would certainly make me think she was entitled! I imagine going against her dh advice/laughter would also piss him off too.

DILcan ask her win parents what the hell she wants ..but not PIL

DIL sounds piss3d off that assumptions she made about free childcare and general grannie helps out havent materialised either.

maybe she should have asked explicitly what support PIL could committ to before coming to uk, and being surprised at housing costs 🤦‍♀️

I suppose if you don't ask you don't get. It'd be better coming from your DH though. However you don't have much of a relationship with your ILs but expect them to give you a loan/gift (of what >50k?) when you know they're careful how they spend their money in retirement? If you had a closer relationship and they were previously generous then maybe, but otherwise I think you'll have to make a financial plan for the future without it. Could you both find work back in the home country? What would life be like financially if you moved back?

@Ozgirl75 I was just going off the fact that she said they might end up in a tent, but presumably they have two incomes and they’re still struggling (only based off the OP not mentioning anything unusual that would prevent one of them working).
Im only basing my knowledge on Sydney really where there are plenty of areas that are nice and are affordable for two income families. I do appreciate it might be harder in the more rural areas

I’m in Sydney also and it’s not that there are not ‘plenty of areas that are affordable for two income families’, it’s the lack of stock. I have a colleague who was looking and they ended up in a self-service apartment style hotel for a few months because they just couldn’t get anything. Two incomes combined 300K plus, 1 child, not fussy. In the end very desperate. Being able to afford something was NOT their problem, it was that there were hundreds of other applicants for each property who could also afford it. All feedback was nothing at all wrong, just landlord went with other applicants earning more (and likely with no kid I’m guessing). They have ended up in a complete hovel, too small even for them and way under budget, with most of their stuff in storage. They could have afforded a much better place but just couldn’t get anything and in the end were looking at absolutely anything through sheer desperation. They have been there over a year and looking for something better after the first 6 months of lease but still can’t get one, same issue, while unhappy they are just grateful for a roof at this point.

I don't think you sound entitled in this post. Just a mum who is genuinely worried given the situation you in its understandable.

If dh is the only child I'd then say ask- maybe for a loan to get you on the ladder. But if there's siblings there then it's gets tricky. Still ask but make clear it's a loan as to take a gift would then be unfair on any of dhs siblings.

Check renting laws in whatever country you live in. In the UK, Landlords are not legally allowed to increase rent by more than a small amount per year. They may have a similar law where you are

That is a very extreme example pp. There are no "tent cities " in Australia; with the exception of possibly a small part of Hobart for a while as all the rentals were taken up as air bnb's. My son has bought a unit in a lovely suburb just last year on an income way below 300k. I think your friends are telling you fibs.
I just checked out 2 bed units in Crows Nest ( a nice suburb close to the city) with a max payment of $750pw and 94 properties came up in the immediate vicinity.

This.

and I’d add to this….The baby boomers are getting slagged off becuase they had it easy

but younger generations wanting to buy houses, take their relative prosperity for granted and their “survival level”. Yes, I know everyone has computers, phones, to subscriptions, etc but this is all added costs that baby Boomers and precious gens didn’t. Same with holidays…I was born 1962 but, even in 70s as Spanish hols were taking off, never went abroad till I was 18, didn’t get on a plane till I was 24 and that wasn’t that unusual-and I grew up in middle class household (teacher and lecturer). We had one clapped out second hand car that would be run into the ground until it collapsed. I never ate out, aside from a treat of drink and cake in a cafe, until I was 14 and that was at a Bernie inn…first fancy meal out was aged 18. We had fish and chips for takeaways once in blue moon, rest of time eating from scratch

im not saying this to be martyr…it is more that the later generations grew up with more”stuff” and more “non essential” opportunities and have never known anything different, so assume that is the basic they can carry on with and still magically afford to save for deposit. Yes, what they have is normal to them, and seems essential, but the generation being slagged off as having it easy, had completely different lower expectations.

my eldest is on close to 6 figure salary, in London, pays stupid rent in a zone 1 location so he can cycle to work. He is still trying to save for deposit. Says paying mortgage is easy, deposit less so….but at same time he goes on holiday 3-4 times per year and one at least is long haul. He goes to countless expensive stag dos and weddings (another completely stupid waste of thousands of pounds that could go into a house), and buys technology like it’s going out of fashion, he eats out nearly every weekend, parties etc. he buys “quality” clothes and other items- pays premium is for it and generally likes “nice” things. That’s fine, it’s his life, his money, and he’s having fun and is happy -but that’s why he is only saving relatively small amounts. It’s not rocket science. No way am I going to use my life savings, I worked my butt off for 40 years, supporting me in my retirement, to pay for his deposit, and effectively subsidise his lifestyle choices.

In my personal opinion this poster will likely have had some sort of help in one way or another. Either from family/friends or a government scheme. Ignore!

I'm not going to waste too much time on this reply as the OP may have left. But the way to approach the PIL is to ask them for a LOAN, not a gift, as a business proposition. Do a proper budget which shows how you will repay the money over the next 20-25 years alongside your mortgage, at a rate lower than a mortgage but around what they might get on investments. You can do it, I believe, if you cut corners. It will serve the purpose of demonstrating your financial position to them, as well as being of interest to them.

Do you want to stay in that country? Could you move back to the UK now that you know they’re not bothered about seeing you?

Don’t feel useless op. You thought you were doing something for the best at the time.

I voted UABU because I think the most logical option here is just to move back to your original country. (assuming you would have the right to return)

Yes it would be disruptive for you all but presumably you won’t have to live in tents? I think that would outweigh the disruption for me.

Im afraid you just have to accept that they are not a part of your life and support system and you just need to sit down and plan how you might create a new life with, hopefully, a support system of the new friends you will all make.

Sorry op

I would definately consider the request to be extremely cheeky and grabby. It is different if they approached you with the idea.
it may be if DH explains what is happening that there is a slim chance of them offering but doesn’t sound like it.

I have money put away and invested for our children (years from needing it) which at some point when there is a need I will gift them. Might be a deposit or wedding but they won’t ever know and will have to budget on the basis of standing in their own two feet.

I think asking them for a gift is likely to be a non-starter, but it may worth asking them for a loan for the deposit.

Even if you can't pay it back quickly, they may feel differently knowing that the money is still theirs if they should need it in the future.

My mother did this with us for our first home, we repaid her back in full.