To tell him I know she's there

[tailgate]

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

You aren’t a couple and he can takes who he likes to a wedding. Maybe he didn’t want you to see his stories in case you stopped shagging him - same reason he’s been breadcrumbing you - all the ‘miss you’ stuff. Thats really just to keep you sweet for when he wants do to the horizontal fandango with you.

I think rules do exist in an open relationship but this isn't one. In an open relationship you know who the main partner is. Here it's not even clear if OP is the main partner - she only spends a few months a year back home, whereas maybe the woman OP is jealous of is located with the guy the whole year/always.

A lot of people are piling on the guy, but I don't know if OP would be bothered to obey if this guy from back home she saw fleetingly through the year tried to control her relationships in her main location too...

Jesus!

You are desperate to keep seeing him aren't you?

To the point of "can't not answer because..."

Me either. Not to you anyway. If the other girl thinks they're exclusive, and he's fucking you on the side, that's different.

Are you upset he took this particular woman because he knows you don't like her or fell out with her or something, or just that he took someone else and didn't go solo when you could go. She would have been invited a long while ago I reckon. Have you told him your are fine with him sleeping with anyone else just not this woman?

I join the chorus of saying this isn't working anymore.

He blocked his stories from you because he knew you'd be pissed off or upset. But he took her anyway.

Maybe ask her if he's serious about this woman. But he will probably lie do he can keep you on the back burner.

The wedding woman is his girlfriend and doesn’t know about you, is the more likely situation. Probably end up marrying her and she’ll find out 20 years in by chance and be mighty pissed.

He's done nothing wrong.

Does he get a say on who you date?

Then why won’t you say what your issue is with her?

If you’re not jealous then what’s the issue?

He can date or shag this woman as much as he wants and it’s none of your business.

As PPs have said, they are obviously more than FWBs and so it’s up to you to decide whether you are ok with that or not.

If he hadn’t hidden the story how would you feel?

You say you aren’t jealous but you obviously are because you have an issue with this woman.

Its not an insult as we all get jealous sometimes but you do have to be honest with yourself.

If you’re not jealous then what’s the issue with him seeing this woman?

This.

You're not exclusive. He can date someone else. So can you. You don't like someone he's dating... that's really not his issue, or your business.

You can't be non exclusive but vet his dates. You need to remove yourself from this if you think that's how it works.

In a non-monogamous, open relationship, it's hard to see what the issue would be if it's not somehow related to jealousy, especially since you couldn't have attended the wedding anyway. Was she nasty to you or something?

If you need the open relationship element to be out of sight out of mind and you can’t even talk about other people you’ve met, then it sounds like you just need a regular relationship. Either you two are or aren’t together, pretending to have an open relationship is bound to end in tears.

No, it's not a direct parallel, it was an observation that people who cheat use the same excuse (that they didn't want the hassle or to hurt their wife).

So it's a red flag to OP of what may come.

I just feel super awkward. I don't really want the drama of discussing

presumably that’s exactly how he felt and that was his way of tackling the situation - rightly or wrongly.

Absolutely he's done nothing wrong.

If we take the "relationship" aspect out of it, imagine your friend had gone out for the night with your worst enemy and you didn't find out about it until you spotted it on social media. You then realise your friend had suddenly blocked you from her social media, and not said a word. The next day, your friend drops you a line to say hi, as if nothing had happened.

Do you bring it up? Or do you pretend you've not seen it and carry on as normal? Because after all your friend is entitled to hang out with who she likes?

In this instance, as with mine, the blocking from social media is more contentious than the pictures on social media. It's a proactive move to hide things from you.

This is a terrible analogy but I'm trying to give an example of the conflict avoidance/elephant in the room feeling that I'm having!

(This woman is not my worst enemy, incidentally. I've never met her).

It's just easier to block if you think someone's going to create drama about it.

And as you two have such a casual relationship, there's really no room for drama.

This ^^

Exactly this. In a way I'm grateful for it. But also feel my intelligence has been insulted because it's glaringly obvious he's done it and I feel offended that he'd think I wouldn't notice.

if the argument happened two days before the wedding, he must have already have invited her, so uninviting her would have been incredibly rude.

Perhaps he's blocked you to protect you knowing it would upset you having only just had the argument.

If it isn't jealously, then just tell him you think it was a bit much to block you, and move on.

I think I'd open it up by saying there was no need to block you from the insta story as you'd already seen it.
Gets it out in the open without any definite need for further discussion, unless either of you wants to continue.

You're right @tailgate, if this woman isn't your worst enemy then it's a terrible analogy and doesn't change my opinion that he's acted reasonably.

I’m trying to unpick this. Why do you have a problem with this specific woman? You’re never met her so it can’t be based on her personality. So it’s something to do with how much time he spends with her?

A plus one to a wedding is quite a big deal. I certainly wouldn’t invite causal fuck buddies to my wedding. They’d need to be quite serious boyfriend/ girlfriends.
So my conclusion this that she’s his girlfriend, the family know about her. She doesn’t know about you I guess.

Messy situation all round. This open relationship business doesn’t work when you start actually caring and having strong feelings. It is having a negative impact on you. What’s the point? Have an open conversation and then be prepared to move on.

I think you can say ‘hope you and Sarah had a nice time at the wedding. So he knows you know. And then have a chat.

Then your hate towards her makes no sense, then. She's not your worst enemy, you've not met her so all we can conclude is its jealousy that you don't want to admit to or you're holding a grudge on behalf of someone else. If it was something that bad you'd be justifying it by saying what the issue is.

The thing is, in a marriage there is an implied (or perhaps even explicit) agreement to be faithful to your wife. Here, if you read the OP, he's never actually agreed not to see his date.

OP has argued with him about it, they've had a falling out, but the man has never committed to not see that woman. It sounds like it's been left on an unresolved note for OP, but the man is happy with the status quo and I'm guessing would happily pick that woman (given that she's publicly given date status in his life) if forced to choose by OP.

Usually I'd agree with you that small lies and ommissions are a marker of future dishonesty, but he has never actually agreed to do what OP wants.

You're assuming that he was trying to hide this other woman from you.

Have you considered, that it's probably the other way around?

He doesn't want his wedding date to know about his fuck buddy. Why not? Because he's quite serious about her (you don't take randoms to a wedding). He blocked you from seeing his stories, in case you commented on something and blew his cover.

I think you're the OW. Are you happy with that? And that makes him a cheating arsehole.

In my experience, men like this have 5 or more women on the go.

You don't say why this particular woman annoys you. It's relevant though. I mean, she could be your sister for all we know.