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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell him I know she's there

624 replies

tailgate · 25/04/2024 18:19

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

OP posts:
NonPlayerCharacter · 26/04/2024 08:54

I'm not sure either of you are suited to a non exclusive relationship. Monogamy isn't perfect but at least the rules and expectations are generally fairly clear.

You say there's been an issue with this woman in particular...

US2gether · 26/04/2024 08:58

You both have no ties, you need up for fun a couple of times a year, so up yo him who he takes and up to you who you date.

Sounds like you want more now you've seen this other woman.

Talk to him about how you feel.

Stroya · 26/04/2024 09:00

I don't think you're cut out for this type of relationship OP.

I have a friend who was dating 3 women non-exclusively, all the women knew about the others. On a night out with one she started to grill me about one of the others, she said she wasn't troubled by the other one but this particular woman did trouble her (the youngest, most attractive of the 3). I remained neutral but told my friend. He took that as his cue to become exclusive with the youngest one, and they're married now.

You need to work out what this "adult conversation" consists of OP.

THisbackwithavengeance · 26/04/2024 09:00

Haven't read the whole thread.

Stop all this cool girl stuff/FWB bollox. Why are you letting this man have his cake and eat it?

This girl is obviously a partner or serious contender for the roles so why are you shagging him? You are the OW.

Let him loose and find someone local to you.

Whilst you're invested in Mr Fuckboy sexually and emotionally, you will not be able to find someone who wants you as his plus 1 at a family wedding.

Grumblevision · 26/04/2024 09:02

Non-exclusive doesn't mean you put up with things you aren't comfortable. If the relationship doesn't meet your expectations and your boundaries, you end it. You can't make him do what you want, he can't make you go along with it. Your option is, you end it. How you speak to him is up to you, but I think you're confusing 'open' with putting up with things you don't want.

MorningSunshineSparkles · 26/04/2024 09:02

It’s ok for you to date about but if he does it he’s a “fuck boy”?

It doesn’t work like that. You shag occasionally, he can take who he likes to a wedding you’re not invited to. You don’t get to dictate what adults do in their own time.

LAMPS1 · 26/04/2024 09:04

Do you want him to be in love with you ?
Are you longing for the day he says ‘I only want you, let’s try to make our relationship work’ ?

You have simply been using each other thus far, without any commitment, integrity or long term plan and now it seems to have backfired. You see his plus one as a betrayal when you know you have no right to feel that way.
You have discovered that trust is important after all.

OP, I think you either need to take the risk of telling him how you feel about him and how you want your relationship with him to develop properly somehow into becoming exclusive…….or you simply let this wedding issue go without any further drama, and let him go too as this is obviously hurting you.

Original poster
tailgate · 26/04/2024 09:05

Genuinely I don't feel jealous (I mean, I'm only human but it's not overwhelming). I've had a long time to get used to this dynamic so it's surprisingly easy.

The argument we had about this w

OP posts:
Stroya · 26/04/2024 09:05

THisbackwithavengeance · 26/04/2024 09:00

Haven't read the whole thread.

Stop all this cool girl stuff/FWB bollox. Why are you letting this man have his cake and eat it?

This girl is obviously a partner or serious contender for the roles so why are you shagging him? You are the OW.

Let him loose and find someone local to you.

Whilst you're invested in Mr Fuckboy sexually and emotionally, you will not be able to find someone who wants you as his plus 1 at a family wedding.

I don't understand this attitude. Different types of relationships work for different people. I'm not sure you'd denigrate a woman in the same way for causally sleeping with different men and being open with the men about it.

So this man didn't tell OP he was taking this other woman, but he's not hidden her existence. He probably likes OP well enough but isn't prepared to be dictated to about who else he can see, so he took what he thought was the no hassle route of just not letting OP know. I don't think he's done anything wrong

mysteriousspiderbite · 26/04/2024 09:06

If you're cool with it, why call him a fuckboy? And why can't you just raise your concerns over being blocked?

Bloom15 · 26/04/2024 09:11

FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 25/04/2024 18:37

You have absolutely no right to tell him which date he can't or can't take though.

That's the sort of weird relationship you have 🤷‍♂️

I don't really think he's done anything wrong tbh.

Agree with this.

You aren't a couple so I can see why he took her and hasn't told you

Original poster
tailgate · 26/04/2024 09:14

tailgate · 26/04/2024 09:05

Genuinely I don't feel jealous (I mean, I'm only human but it's not overwhelming). I've had a long time to get used to this dynamic so it's surprisingly easy.

The argument we had about this w

Well that went well! Will try again....

OP posts:
Everythinggreen · 26/04/2024 09:14

She's been to a big family event with him. It seems like he's either entering a relationship with her or already has and you're his bit on the side. If either are true it's her that should be angry with him not you.
Break it off completely with him and see if he's bothered, doesn't sound like he will be tbh

Original poster
tailgate · 26/04/2024 09:18

The context I was going to give is that the argument in which this woman was discussed, was only a few days ago. Maybe two days before the wedding. It was in the context of something wider.

So it just feels insane now to pretend I haven't seen it.

If the discussion had been a year ago, it would be different, but this is a very fresh, very recent conversation.

I just feel super awkward. I don't really want the drama of discussing but I also don't want to look completely ridiculous by pretending I didn't see it.

It really isn't a jealousy thing. If I was wildly jealous, it'd be easier to know how to react.

OP posts:
exomoon · 26/04/2024 09:18

Stroya · 26/04/2024 09:05

I don't understand this attitude. Different types of relationships work for different people. I'm not sure you'd denigrate a woman in the same way for causally sleeping with different men and being open with the men about it.

So this man didn't tell OP he was taking this other woman, but he's not hidden her existence. He probably likes OP well enough but isn't prepared to be dictated to about who else he can see, so he took what he thought was the no hassle route of just not letting OP know. I don't think he's done anything wrong

Show quote history

He probably likes OP well enough but isn't prepared to be dictated to about who else he can see, so he took what he thought was the no hassle route of just not letting OP know. I don't think he's done anything wrong

This is often how men justify cheating on their wives, that he didn't want the hassle or to hurt his wife so he didn't 'let her know'.

If he's hiding the truth then he's untrustworthy.

Newcrocs · 26/04/2024 09:20

The only person in this scenario that's been put in a shit situation is the woman he's taken to the wedding. Imagine spending time and effort (and probably money on an outfit) to be someone's date to a family do and having them text their casual shag behind your back that they wished she was there.

He's a shithouse, you need to just fuck him off and stop pretending you don't care when you very clearly do.

ironedcurtain · 26/04/2024 09:21

exomoon · 26/04/2024 09:18

He probably likes OP well enough but isn't prepared to be dictated to about who else he can see, so he took what he thought was the no hassle route of just not letting OP know. I don't think he's done anything wrong

This is often how men justify cheating on their wives, that he didn't want the hassle or to hurt his wife so he didn't 'let her know'.

If he's hiding the truth then he's untrustworthy.

Show quote history

She's not his wife, or even his gf.

DoreenonTill8 · 26/04/2024 09:21

tailgate · 26/04/2024 09:18

The context I was going to give is that the argument in which this woman was discussed, was only a few days ago. Maybe two days before the wedding. It was in the context of something wider.

So it just feels insane now to pretend I haven't seen it.

If the discussion had been a year ago, it would be different, but this is a very fresh, very recent conversation.

I just feel super awkward. I don't really want the drama of discussing but I also don't want to look completely ridiculous by pretending I didn't see it.

It really isn't a jealousy thing. If I was wildly jealous, it'd be easier to know how to react.

It depends what the issue is. If you have an actual issue with her, or is it that you expected if YOU couldn't go to the wedding he shouldn't take anyone, if so, that's not FWB.

5128gap · 26/04/2024 09:21

You should either ignore and send a cheerful reply, or do some reflection on whether you want to carry on like this. If you don't, message to say that seeing him with the woman at the wedding was upsetting for you, and has made you realise the non exclusive thing isn't working for you anymore, and as anything else isn't viable, you wish him well.

Stroya · 26/04/2024 09:23

This is often how men justify cheating on their wives, that he didn't want the hassle or to hurt his wife so he didn't 'let her know'

Quite. But that's got absolutely nothing to do with OP's situation. They aren't married or otherwise committed and they are non-exclusive through choice, as the OP has made clear. OP isn't being "cheated" on.

Bumblebeeinatree · 26/04/2024 09:24

How about:

Did you really miss me? I'm told you had a great time with so and so. Although I can't seem to see the stories for some reason?

And on the other things ....

exomoon · 26/04/2024 09:24

ironedcurtain · 26/04/2024 09:21

She's not his wife, or even his gf.

Show quote history

No one has said she is.

Everythinggreen · 26/04/2024 09:24

tailgate · 26/04/2024 09:18

The context I was going to give is that the argument in which this woman was discussed, was only a few days ago. Maybe two days before the wedding. It was in the context of something wider.

So it just feels insane now to pretend I haven't seen it.

If the discussion had been a year ago, it would be different, but this is a very fresh, very recent conversation.

I just feel super awkward. I don't really want the drama of discussing but I also don't want to look completely ridiculous by pretending I didn't see it.

It really isn't a jealousy thing. If I was wildly jealous, it'd be easier to know how to react.

If it's not jealousy what is it? If you don't specify the issue, no one can say if he is unfair to you by seeing her and still seeing you. Is it a former bully? Someone an ex cheated on you with? Someone connected to your family? Because unless the issue is serious enough that he has to choose which of you to still be with, your issue isn't his issue to be concerned of if it's petty.

ironedcurtain · 26/04/2024 09:25

exomoon · 26/04/2024 09:24

No one has said she is.

Edited
Show quote history

Oh cmon, you directly paralleled their situation to infidelity within a marriage

Stroya · 26/04/2024 09:26

tailgate · 26/04/2024 09:18

The context I was going to give is that the argument in which this woman was discussed, was only a few days ago. Maybe two days before the wedding. It was in the context of something wider.

So it just feels insane now to pretend I haven't seen it.

If the discussion had been a year ago, it would be different, but this is a very fresh, very recent conversation.

I just feel super awkward. I don't really want the drama of discussing but I also don't want to look completely ridiculous by pretending I didn't see it.

It really isn't a jealousy thing. If I was wildly jealous, it'd be easier to know how to react.

It doesn't make any difference OP. Unless you are going to drip in something massive like this woman assaulted you previously, he doesn't have to be dictated to by you. You are trying to introduce rules that don't exist in this type of relationship.

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