To tell him I know she's there

[tailgate]

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

And yet you will still keep seeing him.

You refuse to see him for what he is, or you're burying your head in the sand.

Weekend was good thanks, did X, Y and Z.looms like you and Hannah had a good time from your photos, although think you've accidentally blocked me? Not getting your usual outpouring of posts lol

In that case – as you can't control your friend's relationships – you can only take issue with the blocking. But then that opens up a can of worms. You'd have to say "don't insult my intelligence/maturity, I'm fine with knowing the truth" but then you really would have to be fine with knowing the truth, and you'd be giving them a green light to hang out more.

It sounds like you're not exclusive but he can only date pre approved partners? Maybe it's time to have the chat about being exclusive or moving on. I don't think he's done anything wrong tbh

Like someone said - you don’t take randoms to a wedding. They are clearly serious - you need to decide what you want to do with that information.

Just say that. You can't get angry because he hasn't done anything wrong. I'd answer wish I could have come too and then ask why did you block me from Instagram Stories? Is it because you took X because I saw before you blocked me anyhow? He may have done it simply to avoid hurting your feelings or to avoid row. More advice can't be given without the backstory on this woman. I wouldn't pretend I didn't know though as that would be extremely odd.

It's generally accepted that monogamy should be based on respect.

Non-monogamy should also be based on respect, of course, and it often is. But I do find some people - mostly men although not always - use it as an excuse not to show the respect that is due. Obviously this happens in monogamy too, but it's harder to make excuses for as the rules there are a bit clearer.

I can't see how this isn't related to jealousy if you've never even met the woman. But even if he's done absolutely nothing wrong, the relationship clearly isn't meeting your requirements for it, if only because you feel like he's insulting you.

Monogamy has its problems and many people are successfully non monogamous... but I don't think as many people are suited to non monogamy as they think they are, especially if it's long term. Or at least, not with the people with whom they're choosing to be non monogamous.

I think you are going to have to tell us what the argument ref this woman was about……

You snooze you loose.

Grow up.

Why won't you tell us why you fell out about this woman you've never met, two days before the wedding?

Was it because you found out he was taking her and you were jealous?

It's the only thing that makes sense if you're going to insist on keeping it a mystery.

I’d say ignore it and move on.
you say you aren’t jealous (you so obviously are though 😉 ) you agree he has done nothing wrong. He is trying to protect you from seeing the pics as he knows it will upset you.
leave it and move on. Don’t destroy your friendship over it

Exactly this. In a way I'm grateful for it. But also feel my intelligence has been insulted because it's glaringly obvious he's done it and I feel offended that he'd think I wouldn't notice.

It's not about the blocking. It's about the woman. You mentioned that mutual friends could see that stories and confirmed she was there, so you're discussing this in real life.

If you only see him twice a year he owes you nothing. So I would be very cordial back and just leave him be now.

This looks fine, if a little confrontational. How about

"I'd love an upfront conversation about what's going on. I can see you've blocked me on Insta and I assume this is because you took x to the wedding."

It's the next sentence which depends on what you want out of this. If it were me, I'd be scared but I would want to know if his relationship with x has deepened - if it has, I'd want to finish with him. But you may want to continue. So either

"Does this mean you are now seeing x more seriously and want to finish with me?"

or

"Obviously I know you took x to the wedding, so wonder why this implies I should no longer see your Insta, since obviously we don't have an exclusive relationship - I thought we were better friends than that!"

(My own passive aggression leaks out a bit in the last bit of that sentence)

It sounds like you both had a comfortable non committal relationship and this woman has changed that dynamic because he's hiding it from you which suggests it's more serious, which makes you realise that maybe you're about to lose him. Plus he's blocked you which is a bit of a power move.

I think you need to call him up and ask him. What's the worst that can happen? It's over, you barely saw him anyway..... the thing you need to do now is clear up the uncertainty, or you are looking at months of this head fuckery and you really don't want to go there....

I just came on to say exactly what you just have.

He has no incentive to be honest - no commitment/non exclusive relationships have very different terms of reference to exclusive ones. Out of sight out of mind, and there's nothing he needs to justify. You're no more or less important to him than the next woman he randomly decides to take out. There's no pecking order here, so you're unrealistic to expect him to be anything other than casual, that's the whole point.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there

you'd have to be extremely gullible to believe that he wished you'd been there. Hollow words.

Now replace your whole analogy with "someone I don't know" instead of "worst enemy" and you'll see how silly it looks.

You need to speak in a way that encourages honesty.
He will be honest about the other woman if you are calmand respect his right to date who he pleases.

You need to decide whetherYOU want to move and fight for an exclusive relationship or leave him alone to be with a woman you dislike. You can't have an open, occasional relationship and, yet, tell him who to see.

You want him but you don’t want him.

He wants you but he doesn’t want you.

Neither of you are willing to commit to long term long distance so you’ve got this notion of “what if” we’d got together and it had worked. And by seeing each other occasionally you’re keeping that dream alive.

Are you seeing anyone else?

Id say it’s a weird and impossible diversion. I’d personally not put myself down for occasional love and fucks. What’s the point?

Boundaries aren’t clear and you end up with this sort of thing.

Just no. Find someone who will be with you and love you all of the time.

Id ditch this one. It will be painful because you’re letting go of a ‘what if’ but it will remain a dream unless one of you is prepared to commit properly. Stop holding onto something that can never play out. It’s a mind fuck. And it’s not real life. You don’t get to see the person warts and all. They just live in this perma-territory of perfection and possibilities.

Honestly, you sound insane.

Beautifully put by @Vive42

This:

“Vive42 · Today 10:18
You want him but you don’t want him.
^^
He wants you but he doesn’t want you.
^^
Neither of you are willing to commit to long term long distance so you’ve got this notion of “what if” we’d got together and it had worked. And by seeing each other occasionally you’re keeping that dream alive.
^^
Are you seeing anyone else?
^^
Id say it’s a weird and impossible diversion. I’d personally not put myself down for occasional love and fucks. What’s the point?
^^
Boundaries aren’t clear and you end up with this sort of thing.
^^
Just no. Find someone who will be with you and love you all of the time.
^^
Id ditch this one. It will be painful because you’re letting go of a ‘what if’ but it will remain a dream unless one of you is prepared to commit properly. Stop holding onto something that can never play out. It’s a mind fuck. And it’s not real life. You don’t get to see the person warts and all. They just live in this perma-territory of perfection and possibilities.”

You saved me a lot of words but in summary I agree.

I would not compromise my boundaries like this.

I think what you mean is that your ego is dented and he has insulted your intelligence and you thought you had better friendship than do you do and you had assumed that he would have told you if he was seeing anyone serious or important to him.

That I can somewhat understand- you thought you were pretty honest with each other but the fact he didn't tell you is disappointing.

You just do nothing and if he comes looking for sex again, just say "no thanks, it seems like things are getting serious with you and wedding lady so you and I shouldn't be involved any longer".

Otherwise, you are just being dramatic and making acting like a jealous girlfriend when you weren't in a relationship with him.

I don't think it really matters if you tell him you knew or not. Are you expecting/wanting a big reaction from it?
You likely wont get one. You'll probably be told he didn't tell you to prevent your feelings from being hurt; when what's actually happening is he is keeping you on a string like a puppet ready for when he calls.

If you're happy with casual on his terms- carry on.
If not? Then you need to cut this man off. it will be difficult at first but god it will be freeing in time, speaking from experience.

You deserve not to be questioning things or feeling this way about a "relationship". ENM doesn't mean lying - it requires a lot of truth and difficult conversations.

Doesn't sound like this is happening here..... sounds like he just wants a quick fumble and you're expecting more. Hope you feel better about yourself soon x