To tell him I know she's there

[tailgate]

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

You're not exclusive, so it's none of your business. I'd stop this relationship because it's not working for you at all. You're best off investing your time and energy on someone better, who respects you. You can do so much better, but it won't happen if you're still tied up with him.

I think it’s likely he is seeing the girl in a serious way and doesn’t want you sabotaging it. As I said before you should find a guy who’s on the same page. I think you are setting yourself to be hurt. Why waste your energy having relationship discussions when you don’t have a relationship?

I also think that, he is more serous with this other woman, they are possibly closer geographically and obviously it’s a relationship that’s wide open to his friends if they attend a wedding together, then they will do other things socially together too,

so something isn’t right here, does the op and him go out with friends etc.

for my money the op wants more, and she’s jealous of this woman. He knows it so he’s blocked her so she isn’t hurt. But he needs to end it with the op as he will know she’s feelings for him.

Interesting that the only bit of this message you replied to was about IG. Maybe time to really examine your feelings.

Well say this then! Literally just that.

Also work out what you want out of it all because it doesn't sound like you know at all.

Non-exclusive FWB flings can work for a while but like everything else they only work until they don't, and it sounds like it isn't working for you any more.

I think the minor weirdness of him hiding Insta stories is not the thing to focus on at all, because your reaction to it is a symptom of something else (your feelings for him).

I think this is absolutely what you should do
that will give him the chance to be completely honest with you about what’s going on

I agree, something like this. Definitely don’t pretend you haven’t seen the stories.

Maybe what you wrote is a little intense… I think I’d just say “I’ve had an ok week, thanks, I hope you had a good time at the wedding. I do find it a bit weird that you blocked me from your IG stories?” or something.

Are you just hurting yourself continuing this? And blocking someone else coming in for you? I’d ask him and just have a full (not angry) open discussion about her, him and you, and where you all stand and how it may work going forward even if that means ending it.

Well he can somewhat he likes.
I think he was trying to protect you as you have an issue with this woman (whatever that is). The thing is this woman may be his girlfriend and he is obviously more into her.
I‘m not sure I would want to be his FWB, but this is what you signed up for. I’m not sure you can complain about him doing nothing wrong.

"Glad you had a good time. [You must have been so proud of niece/ some other nothing-y pleasantry]. Just to name the elephant in the room, obviously you know that I know that you went with [woman] and blocked me from your Instagram stories, I assume following our don't-ask-don't-tell policy, which is understandable. If she's coming to such an important family wedding, I assume that things are now more serious between you than they were [so wanted to give you an opening to let me know if things need to change between us / so think we should call it a day]. Hope all's otherwise good with you."

The thing is you are not being honest by being in this non relationship pretending you don’t care when you do. He doesn’t want to be honest because he doesn’t want to hurt you. But actions don’t lie. You guys don’t have a future and you are wasting your time and degrading yourself if you try to force an “honest talk”

I think this is all a bit silly.

You are just friends with benefits and both know that the other one is having a sexual relationship with other people.

So you have absolutely no right to get annoyed over this situation.

There should be no arguments over this woman but he knew there probably would be which is why he hasn’t told you/tried to hide it.

You want to bring it up with him so you can argue/say that you’re upset over it.

I think you need to work out what you want before saying anything.

He does not need to tell you when he sees this women and you cannot get upset when he does.

If you can’t handle him having sex with this woman then perhaps it’s time to step away.

FWBs can be a great situation but sometimes people can get too close and then it stops working.
It sounds like this needs to become exclusive or end completely before you get hurt.

Honestly, OP, given he's taking her to such a big deal family wedding I'd say they're pretty serious and that she'd probably see the messages he's sending you as cheating at this point. Don't slip into being his OW bit on the side.

For whatever reason you obviously don't feel any solidarity with this woman but in normal circumstances I'd be wanting to check that she knew about you and let her know what's been said to you while they've been dating if she doesn't.

I'm not angry that he's taken another date.

Yeah, keep telling yourself that.

Don’t think you can be surprised if he’s gone there with someone else who is probably someone he is actually seeing.
Move on I think you’re probably ready for a proper relationship

It's very possible she is his actual girlfriend and you're (unknowingly) the other woman.
If he took her to this family wedding then she will have met his parents/siblings/grandparents/aunties/etc. They're serious! And he's keeping you on the side because he's greedy. As you said, there was never any option of you going to the wedding so it worked out perfectly for him as he didn't have to actively choose her over you and disappoint you.

"Hi Dave, glad you had a good time and niece looked beautiful. I see that you went with Patsy, this tells me that it's obviously pretty serious with her now so I'm going to gracefully bow out. Wishing you no hard feelings, Tailgate"

I think you hit the nail on the head here! This is what I think is happening - you think you have an "open" relationship with him, with you two being partners but having unimportant secondary flings with other people to fill the time. I have seen it with some of my "cool" friends - "yes, we are seeing other people at the moment as we live apart but as soon as we live in the same place we are going to be exclusive". Sadly, guys NEVER see it this way, they see this set up as basically being single and having a permission to do whatever they want. They don't feel any responsibility or loyalty towards their "partner", and maximum they would do is hide what they doing for fear of drama (like in OPs case, as the guy knows she doesn't like the other girl). But more often than not, they wont even hide it. None of these relationships worked, and every time it was the girl who got hurt.

OP, if you wanted to explore an open relationship, you should have discussed all the rules and set up beforehand in greater detail. I personally cant get my head around poly couples, but one thing I learned is that these kind of relationship only ever work if its crystal clear and with a lot of talk and discussion about feelings etc. But even then there might be problem! So its not surprising you are confused and hurt with this shitshow you found yourself participating in. I would say - leave it and work on your boundaries.

I dunno, OP. Ordinarily I would agree that him blocking you from IG so that you wouldn't see photos of him with another woman is a concern. But there's additional context, which is that you agreed a no-strings relationship with him and then became angry with him in some unspecified way about another woman he was seeing. I think it's a bit cowardly of him to hide his photos but it could just mean that he doesn't want to antagonise you.

I've seen so many "I want it to be an open relationship but" threads on Mumsnet and I've had some friends go into them and get hurt too. If you want to control how and when he sees other women then perhaps this isn't for you. I think this may be one of those situations where you (ie you, OP) want to believe that you're ok with open relationships but the reality is that you're not. (And there's nothing wrong with that. I've never contemplated an open relationship of any kind because I know myself well enough to know that it wouldn't make me happy.)

He might have wanted you there and missed you but that doesn't mean he didnt enjoy time with his other date. It's a bit urgh though.. he's blocked you from seeing wedding posts... maybe so he has you on a piece of elastic...and you are peed that hes blocked you seeing some posts etc when youre both fwb..tbh its gameplay from both of you.

“KreedKafer · Yesterday 23:14

I’m sorry but… he owes you absolutely nothing. He’s not your boyfriend. He’s someone you sometimes have sex with.

He doesn’t have to tell you who he dates and you don’t get to veto who he can and can’t sleep with and why on earth would you expect him to tell you who he was taking to a wedding? You apparently lost the plot about him seeing this other woman previously for some reason so why would he tell you this time?

Your whole situation is a mess (and I’m pretty sure you’ve posted about it before). It’s obvious that you see whatever you have with this man as something very different to how he sees it. You (however much you’re in denial about this) very obviously see it as some kind of open relationship where you can sleep with other people, but only on certain terms, and you see you and him as the constant, while everyone else is just a casual date. He, however, clearly sees it as no kind of relationship at all. To him you’re just a mate he has sex with sometimes, not his ‘main’ partner, and certainly not someone he has to be accountable to when you’re not there.

Honestly, you are deluding yourself by presenting your non-relationship with this man as something you’re cool and casual about. Have some dignity and get shot of him so you can stop fretting about him and who he’s fucking. You said you also date other people, so the only real reason you can have for continuing things with this FWB is that you actually want more from him, however much you might tell yourself that’s not the case. You can meet men in your own city and you don’t need to keep up this slightly desperate non-relationship. Rip the plaster off and end this angsty street Insta-stalking game-playing shitshow; you deserve better.”

This. You should be able to have a proper talk about this - not play games around it. As PPs have said, taking someone as a date to a wedding is serious because it’s so public. You said that you and he would have been serious but you moved away. You’re not doing a committed LTR because you’re both seeing other people. You want to be his main person but it just doesn’t sound practical because you’re long distance. As the song goes “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with”! This arrangement has run its course and you’re just going to be repeatedly hurt and disappointed if you try and hang on to it.

IMHO, this is why FWB / non exclusive dating doesn't work

One party usually more keen than the other. Usually, the woman hoping for more, while the man gets everything on his terms

You're winding yourself up here. You get all the grief and risk of dating a cheater, but none of the rewards of a boyfriend. Plenty more men out there OP, just pick a different one.

This. I don't understand why everybody is saying he is a creep etc, OP said she is dating around. Why can't he do the same if you are non exclusive?

OP if seeing him with another woman hurts you you might need to reconsider if you are non exclusive woman material. I know I'm not, I only meet one person at a time .
Try to meet local guys and forget this one, LDR almost never end well ( talking from experience)

This, op dates too and it's up to him who sees his social media.
Like pp who's the wedding guest girl and this seems to be main issue.
Even the thread title 'tell him I know she's there' sounds like a gotcha, but how can it be, they're not dating!

It sounds like you are not really all that comfortable being in a non-exclusive relationship.

Are you really being honest with yourself about how you feel about the non-monogamy situation?