Page 19 | To tell him I know she's there

Calliopespa · 26/04/2024 16:54

In all honesty oP, if I were the woman at the wedding with him and I read your post ( whether or not I knew my partner had blocked you) I’d be thinking you were a bit creepy - crazy.

You’re either exclusive or you’re not. And if you’re not … you’re not!

Trulyme · 26/04/2024 17:01

tailgate · 26/04/2024 10:58

I've realised that in not being able to give full details, I've made it hard for people to give me advice, so apologies.

I can't ignore him forever as he has something of mine that I left at his house.

By ignoring him for a prolonged time I feel like I'm protesting against him being with her, via my silence (which feels stupid)

By ignoring the nice message and only asking for my stuff back, it also looks like I'm protesting (which feels stupid)

By replying to him and ignoring the fact I can see he's block me from IG, I feel like I'm coming across as a mug (which feels stupid)

And by raising it, it comes across like I'm jealous and angry (which feels stupid)

So I feel stuck between and rock and a hard place on how to address it!

Honestly OP if you’re thinking this too deep into it then you cannot be FWB.

I would reply as you normally would if you hadn’t seen this woman.

Then in a couple of days ask to get your driving license as you need it asap.

Then let him know that you don’t want to be FWB anymore and just want to be platonic friends.

He is obviously getting more serious with this woman and so it’s up to you if you can be friends with him still or if you need to just end the friendship completely.

Get your stuff back first and then decide.

Tontostitis · 26/04/2024 17:03

You're trying so hard to be the cool girl you are being ridiculous. You are clearly utterly mad for this guy and lying to him and yourself this is so far from a FWB try a bit of honesty

MavisPennies · 26/04/2024 17:08

@NonPlayerCharacter My meaning about this being a millennial thing is not that they are feckless youth or deserve pain, but that they have been tricked into believing that they will guard their feelings by agreeing to be non exclusive, when that is not what they actually want. I am aware that millennials are aged around 28 - 42 and have a lot of millennial friends (due to being a mature student years ago). Loads of them have come into strife and pain over this and I feel really sorry for them as they have to eat the pain of someone essentially cheating on them, see it all over social media and then also act like they're totally fine about it because they'd never had the conversation about 'being exclusive'. Although I teach a lot of Gen Z students I'm mercifully unaware of their love lives.
Anyway - good luck OP. I hope things work out for you.

NonPlayerCharacter · 26/04/2024 17:15

I am aware that millennials are aged around 28 - 42

Of course you are, you've just Googled it.

sandyhappypeople · 26/04/2024 17:19

FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 26/04/2024 16:50

To be fair, given the sort of twice a year sexual relationship they're supposed to be having, the OP doesn't sound very balanced.

So the 'wishing he could go with her' was probably him trying to calm her down and appease her after the row, two days before the wedding.

Ditto him preventing her from commenting on his Instagram.

Sounds wise given the way the OP has acted about his plus one, which is literally none of her business.

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Technically it is none of her business, I do agree, but if he's told OP one thing to keep her on the hook, then done this behind her back, he's not giving her the information she needs to make a rational decision about their 'relationship', luckily she saw it, but how many other things is he neglecting to tell her 'for her own sake'?

OP, any man that uses 'what they don't know won't hurt them' as a guide to live by are not worth pursuing a relationship with, because all they care about are themselves, and as long as they are getting away with doing what they want they will tell you anything you want to hear, and lie about the rest.

emmypa · 26/04/2024 17:21

It sounds like you are developing stronger feelings for him, and at the same time he has found himself a girlfriend in her. My guess is he's in a relationship with her, but he's trying to hide it from you so he can continue to keep you around for his convenience. Only you can decide if you want to continue to put up with this.

Calliopespa · 26/04/2024 17:29

NonPlayerCharacter · 26/04/2024 17:15

I am aware that millennials are aged around 28 - 42

Of course you are, you've just Googled it.

I think she’s right that millennials did the fwb thing

Calliopespa · 26/04/2024 17:32

sandyhappypeople · 26/04/2024 17:19

Technically it is none of her business, I do agree, but if he's told OP one thing to keep her on the hook, then done this behind her back, he's not giving her the information she needs to make a rational decision about their 'relationship', luckily she saw it, but how many other things is he neglecting to tell her 'for her own sake'?

OP, any man that uses 'what they don't know won't hurt them' as a guide to live by are not worth pursuing a relationship with, because all they care about are themselves, and as long as they are getting away with doing what they want they will tell you anything you want to hear, and lie about the rest.

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I also stubbed my toe on the “ for her own sake” bit. Stated bluntly that means “ so he doesn’t have to field/ endure a fuss.”

Cailin66 · 26/04/2024 17:37

tailgate · 26/04/2024 12:10

Thanks all. I love the advice to mull it over for a while. I'll do that.

It's my driving license that he has!

You are jealous of the other woman. You have no right to be. You said you both can date whom you please. You’ve no right to know where he is, whom he dates, what he does, or to see on your phone what social events he is at.

Let him post the missing item to you, problem solved, or go get a replacement instead of drama over nonsense. The missing item you are using as an excuse to keep in contact with this particular prince of men.

Grow up and have some respect for yourself instead of a fake non relationship situation that you can’t hardle.

Sometimesright · 26/04/2024 17:47

Time to bin him I think. You don’t have a future together and it is making you unhappy so why bother? Finds someone who doesn’t want to string you along. How much do you care for him? do you think it’s more than he cares for you? Because if you do it’s gonna hurt eventually and you could be with someone who only wants you.

Wornoutlady · 26/04/2024 17:50

OP I think you're more attached than you want to admit. If he has something of yours you want back, get it back. Let the other stuff go. You're dwelling on it like you're "involved" and that's embarrassing, he has clearly moved forward more seriously with someone else and is keeping you stringing along in the background for an occasional fuck. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I really think you should be more dignified in this situation, get your stuff, move on.

Iritatedbyarguingmn · 26/04/2024 17:56

Or just apply on the Government website to replace a lost driving license and No need to see him again ever

sparkellie · 26/04/2024 18:37

Just to throw this into the mix.. are you sure he blocked you? If she had blocked you and was tagged in his stories you wouldn't be able to see them. Is that a possibility? Obviously I don't know if there's any reason she would have to do that, but it's worth considering. Either way I think you just need to be really honest with him and say you'd appreciate it if he could let you know the extent of their relationship so you can decide where to go from here.

Scarletttulips · 26/04/2024 18:39

What is the outcome you want here?

Do you to play the pick me dance?

Is it comfort when you go home?

Is it a full on relationship?

You need to answer that question before you text him.

Dancingqueen90 · 26/04/2024 18:47

I would be open with him and say what you saw and say how you feel. I get where you are coming from and it would weird me out as well. Just because you are not exclusive does not mean your feelings are not valid.

The34Bus · 26/04/2024 18:47

Cailin66 · 26/04/2024 17:37

You are jealous of the other woman. You have no right to be. You said you both can date whom you please. You’ve no right to know where he is, whom he dates, what he does, or to see on your phone what social events he is at.

Let him post the missing item to you, problem solved, or go get a replacement instead of drama over nonsense. The missing item you are using as an excuse to keep in contact with this particular prince of men.

Grow up and have some respect for yourself instead of a fake non relationship situation that you can’t hardle.

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I think that’s quite nasty. Even if she has “caught feelings”, that isn’t actually a character flaw you know. Why on earth would you attack her for that? Your “you can’t handle it” schtick is really grim.

I wonder if there was an agreement to not be exclusive but just “be honest”, and he has reneged on that. He has been careless about her feelings, (and probably been lying to the other one).

Angrywife · 26/04/2024 18:58

I'd keep it neutral and simple and reply with
"Sounds like you had a great day! Did Karen (name of woman) enjoy it? Xx"

LuluBlakey1 · 26/04/2024 19:08

tailgate · 25/04/2024 18:19

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

Why couldn't you have been there?

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 26/04/2024 19:11

TraitorsGate · 25/04/2024 18:48

He's playing you both, one of you was his first choice to go to the wedding, one of you is his current number one, you know you're better off away from this situation, it'll never change and could stop you finding real happiness with someone else if that's what you want.

TBF, OP wasn't available to go the wedding

incywincyspidery · 26/04/2024 19:15

I'd say something along the lines of:
"Look I saw your stories before you blocked me and so I know X was at the wedding with you. I know you were probably feeling awkward about me knowing, giving the discussion we had the other day, but it's fine, you don't need to hide it. I'm only mentioning it because I don't want to be dishonest and pretend I haven't seen it."

Calliopespa · 26/04/2024 19:15

The34Bus · 26/04/2024 18:47

I think that’s quite nasty. Even if she has “caught feelings”, that isn’t actually a character flaw you know. Why on earth would you attack her for that? Your “you can’t handle it” schtick is really grim.

I wonder if there was an agreement to not be exclusive but just “be honest”, and he has reneged on that. He has been careless about her feelings, (and probably been lying to the other one).

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It was quite brutal but in fairness I think some of us get a bit tired of these non exclusive relationships that are cool and fun and loose while they are working in your favour . It’s as if the rest of us are so uptight and moronically unadventurous … then despite all cautions and advice from friends and family they nonetheless always seem to end in a flump of tears and upset. The hours I’ve had to sit comforting people. It’s like warming a child not to tip up a recently boiled kettle .

Glasgowgal200 · 26/04/2024 19:25

Sounds like the other woman maybe wants to be exclusive with him

Scorchio84 · 26/04/2024 19:26

emmypa · 26/04/2024 17:21

It sounds like you are developing stronger feelings for him, and at the same time he has found himself a girlfriend in her. My guess is he's in a relationship with her, but he's trying to hide it from you so he can continue to keep you around for his convenience. Only you can decide if you want to continue to put up with this.

I think this is it exactly, it sounds like you're going to get hurt so I'd pull away if I was you no matter how hard, I'm sorry it's a shit situation

JudgyGarland · 26/04/2024 19:26

Calliopespa · 26/04/2024 19:15

It was quite brutal but in fairness I think some of us get a bit tired of these non exclusive relationships that are cool and fun and loose while they are working in your favour . It’s as if the rest of us are so uptight and moronically unadventurous … then despite all cautions and advice from friends and family they nonetheless always seem to end in a flump of tears and upset. The hours I’ve had to sit comforting people. It’s like warming a child not to tip up a recently boiled kettle .

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Tbf, as someone pointed out earlier, this is not ops fault. She'll have been groomed into being the cool girl fwb girl through social groups, media even political groups. The millennials and Zs have been told by society that wanting a long term committed (gasp heterosexual) partner is square and needy so this model of relationship is adopted over and over again.

It's interesting how previously fidelity was used as a cage to stop young women having agency over their own love lives. Now promiscuity is the default and again, men clean up again. Results in a nice pool of young women with low standards and self esteem issues. An incel win.
Either way women get clobbered.

Op does need to wise up to this though. She can and should expect respect in a relationship and for women, monogamy is beneficial to use for this reason.

A lot of us old squares in boring vanilla relationships had to find this the hard way, op needs to do so too.