To tell him I know she's there

[tailgate]

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

This is millennial as hell. Instagram stories, non exclusivity and worst IMO - voice notes.

The 'not exclusive' thing always ends in tears. People think they are being ethical sluts, but usually one of them is kidding themselves that they feel fine about stuff they don't feel fine about and the other is having their cake and eating it.

Tell him you've seen the story and know that he blocked you, say that it makes you feel sad/angry/whatever and tell him your decision (don't want to see him/ want to be exclusive/ would like to continue this masochistic non exclusivity thing while he shags the girl that you don't want him to see)

@Poettree @sandyhappypeople yes probably hedging his bets and will fade OP out, now I think about what you’ve said.

and yes so many posts and so much frothing (I include myself) about a FWB situation! OPs head is probably spinning.

OP hope you’re ok!

Do you mean gen z? People often use millennial when they mean 'young people' but millennials aren't young anymore. They are 30s and early 40s...

No I mean Millennial.

The millennials are older than you think. Please leave us alone, the mortgages and lower back pain are bad enough. We've been the feckless and stupid youth of today for 20 years now. Pick on someone else.

I haven't read entire thread, but have read OPs posts.

I'd protect myself and send something along these lines .... 'Glad to hear you and Mystery Woman had a good time at XX's wedding. This gives me the opportunity to let you know I've found someone here with whom I'd like to pursue a proper relationship with no-one on the side. Hope it goes well with Mystery Woman, and I'll see you around whenever I'm home. PS Please drop my stuff off at my parents' whenever you're passing. Cheers!'

Like PP said voice notes are apparently very Gen Z. Though I have encountered a 40 year old who sends them. I just replied in text and she eventually stopped.

@NonPlayerCharacter 😅😂

What a situation to get yourself involved in.

He didn't ask you to the wedding did he? Regardless of whether you could have gone or not, he didn't give you the option.

He took somebody you don't like? That is his prerogative. You have no claim on saying who he can and cannot speak to or be with. Bringing someone to a wedding means he is interested in her and doesn't mind everyone knowing about it (except you because you don't like her).

You're not in a relationship. You are FWB.

I don't feel sorry for you or angry on your behalf but I do feel for the other woman because she is probably unaware that you are the 'other woman'.

He sounds like a prince having his cake and eating it.

But you need to look after yourself. Please do yourself a big favour and work out if you're happy to continue only having sex with him because its very evident you have developed feelings for him.

BTW It doesn't matter what he says in his voice notes. He will say anything he wants to keep the current situation going for as long as he wants it to go on. This isn't a level playing ground given your disapproval.

It's the fact that you've spoken about this woman and he knows that it annoys you that matters.

He does have the right to do whatever he wants, as you are not exclusive, however, his behaviours regarding this wedding and how he blocked you on ins is enough to demonstrate that he doesn't truly care for you.

It is ultimately up to you how much you still want to "have fun" with him OP, but perhaps think about it whether it's worth being hurt by someone who doesn't really care for you or respect you enough.

Well she obviously has more than fuck buddy feelings or else she wouldn't be posting on the internet for advice on what to do. It's ok to say to someone 'I have feelings for you' and to be rejected. It's ok to be vulnerable and human with someone you are having sex with. If she is able to simply go 'bye' I'd do that but obviously (from op's pps) she wants to maintain a friendship and be honest. So be honest. Or move on. Don't linger in the no man's land of 'I'll pretend I'm cool with this when it's acutally causing me distress', there's no point.

@tailgate

Honestly OP, I think I’d say to him what you’ve said here. That you aren’t annoyed or upset that he took her, or accusing him of anything- you are just a bit upset that he didn’t tell you and has tried to hide it by blocking you in the way he has. It makes it feel like a dishonesty and bit disrespectful given he knows you will have seen it. If he was free to take her and not done anything wrong by doing so (and he doesn’t feel he has done anything wrong) then there was no need to hide it- so why has he?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask
why he blocked you from seeing what you already knew about. At least you both know where you stand rather than second guessing each other.

He didn't ask you to the wedding did he? Regardless of whether you could have gone or not, he didn't give you the option.

I was wondering if it was that.

To add insult to injury he then took someone that Op would rather he hadn't, put pics up & then blocked her on IG.

It's all so bloody childish!

As I said to a friend when she dated a very questionable individual, he has afoot in two camps. He's dating this woman and has you hanging on in the background. He's is as happy as Larry.

I've been on the receiving end of a message like that and I have to say I respect how that person was clear, honest, and decisive. The vague message you suggested is fine too but to me there's also no shame in taking ownership of your feelings provided the other person is a decent human being.

A good deal of millenials are married with children by now surely.

But I’m sort of wondering why .

If he’s blocked you he’s kind of giving the message that either this relationship of his with the woman he took is seen as less casual by this other woman and/or him and he doesn’t want you to make her think otherwise; or he’s trying to string you along in ignorance. In either case, what are you pursuing? He’s made it clear that his thinking on it isn’t much aligned with yours. I’m really confused why you want to keep the status quo as you believed it to be when clearly to him it’s not where he wants it.

… so maybe just arrange to get your stuff back 🤷🏻‍♀️ If he approaches again thereafter perhaps raise it then.

It sounds just like how many "non-exclusive" relationships end up tbh.

Presumably he's good in bed, and fun company, which is why you keep getting back together. But you said yourself, you see other people, and so does he.
Personally, I think that the fact you don't like this other woman is maybe clouding your judgement. For a man you are absolutely NOT dating, I don't really see how you can pick and choose who he hangs out with when he's not with you.
He knows you don't like this woman, which is fine, but HE does like her. I suspect he hid her from your view, to try and spare your feelings.
You're allowed to be upset, but I don't think he's really done anything wrong. You're not dating, he's not your boyfriend.

Also, OP have to say I agree with PPs that him taking her to this wedding is a sign he is serious about her. If anyone in my family (close enough to be in wedding party) brought a date along to a wedding we’d assume it was a serious or potential to be serious partner. Otherwise who brings a random shag to be in the wedding photos a relative is going to keep for a lifetime?

I've got to agree with the hatred of voice notes! I feel terrible I have some from friends on my phone I've just never listened to.

I think actually it is OK to say “Your behaviour was dishonorable, and has hurt my feelings.”

But I do think it would be worthwhile examining why specifically this bugs you. It could be - does he like her enough that the FWB will end; or does he allow her to badmouth you; or it shows disloyalty on his part?

I also think you are allowed to push him back to F-without-B if you so choose.

I have, sort of, been in your position and having a difficult but transparent conversation was the way through it.

OP. Simple question. Do you want to be with this man?

I also think if he’s taking her to a family wedding it’s serious. I suspect that’s what’s really upsetting the op. He’s picking someone else.

If he’d wanted to take the op instead he could have, and she clearly wanted to be the one to go. I do agree with the pp that this is likely what the argument was about. He told her he was taking this woman. She thought she’d put a stop to it, and she hadn’t and she’s realised they’ve travelled together, stayed together and been there as his partner.

op, why is your driving licence at his? Are 7ou doing that weird thing of accidentally (oops silly me) leaving something so you can make an excuse to go back?

To be fair, given the sort of twice a year sexual relationship they're supposed to be having, the OP doesn't sound very balanced.

So the 'wishing he could go with her' was probably him trying to calm her down and appease her after the row, two days before the wedding.

Ditto him preventing her from commenting on his Instagram.

Sounds wise given the way the OP has acted about his plus one, which is literally none of her business.