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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him I know she's there

624 replies

tailgate · 25/04/2024 18:19

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/04/2024 13:52

I wasn't having a pop at your suggestion (or anybody's), SlightlyJaded, I just have my eye on the prize (the driving licence) and knowing what a faff the DVLA can be with getting replacements, my focus was on getting Mr FWB to return it PDQ.

My way of doing that (having been blocked) would be to simply and politely ask him to return it, with no added drama, in the hope that he will do just that. If OP wants to ask him for chapter and verse then fine - do that when the licence is home!

Lilacdew · 26/04/2024 13:53

Can you say: I have no idea why you are treating my like an idiot. I saw photos of her at the wedding. I was surprised, not jealous. We're not exclusive, so why are you blocking the wedding pictures from me and neglecting to say she went with you?

But I'd also be prepared to hear that he is serious about her and may choose to stop seeing other people.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 26/04/2024 13:55

Orophile · 25/04/2024 18:26

He’s an insidious creep. I’m all for adults defining their relationships how they see fit (legal, consenting and respectful) however, he’s playing you for a fool.

Edited

How is he playing her for a fool when they both agreed not to be committed to each other and they BOTH see and sleep with other people??????

Her issue is with this particular woman not their arrangement. Do you really see this as the foundation for a strong relationship?

US2gether · 26/04/2024 13:56

TheShellBeach · 26/04/2024 10:50

But you're not in a relationship with this man, so why do you care who he took to the wedding?

I don't understand why you even care. He isn't your boyfriend. He's just a man you sometimes have sex with.

It's the woman he took to the wedding who ought to be concerned IMO. Does she know about you, or any other women he goes out with?

This.

A twice a year sex meet up for both, that's all it is.

jackstini · 26/04/2024 13:56

You could do a jokey message 'glad you wish I was there - might have been a bit awkward with X there though!'

Betterbuckleupbarbara · 26/04/2024 14:01

@FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear Oh dear, I rattled your cage it seems.

Thanks for the permission, not sure I need it.

LondonFox · 26/04/2024 14:05

Wrong thread, delete pls.

MarkWithaC · 26/04/2024 14:07

tailgate · 25/04/2024 18:37

I think I'm just looking for a way to say "let's just be honest with each other for once and for all. I've seen your IG story. You know I've seen it. You know I can see I'm now blocked from your stories. Can we have an adult conversation about it?"

That's what I want to say...I think....

Send him a voice note asking for a conversation and then say this.
I get it: the relationship is what it is; but you’d rather he was honest than pretend he wished you’d been there etc.

toomanyy · 26/04/2024 14:11

I can’t believe this snivelling coward of a man is getting this much airtime.

A grown man posting so many pictures in one day on Instagram is seriously unattractive and then to try to block OP seeing them is cowardly.

Then to follow up with fake snivelling messages is vomit inducing.

Betterbuckleupbarbara · 26/04/2024 14:13

@toomanyy 😂 say it as it is. Yes, it’s all rather ridiculous and I mean absolutely no offence to OP at all. Sometimes things happen.

laclochette · 26/04/2024 14:14

You seem a bit confused OP.

On the one hand, you want him to be transparent with you ie not blocking you from the stories that show his other date. On the other hand, you say you've always had a don't ask, don't tell arrangement. Based on that, his blocking you is actually aligned to your agreement, and his only error was forgetting to block you from all the stories before you noticed what was happening, as DADT always involves a bit of "white lying" - white, because it's inherent to the agreement and therefore consensual. You literally can't have a DADT agreement without a bit of lying, either directly, or by omission - it's in the phrase - "don't tell".

That might be because your feelings or desires have changed but you haven't acknowledged it to yourself, or it might be that you were always somewhat in denial about what you've wanted, either way, this is a good opportunity to decide exactly what you want, and ask for it. If he can give it to you, great. If he can't, you can move on. Nothing else can make you happy.

MouseMama · 26/04/2024 14:15

I’m not sure why this has to be a drama. He’s been your FWB and now looks like he’s in a relationship with someone you don’t approve of and that he wishes to keep secret from you (presumably to continue enjoying his benefits). I’d just reply saying the wedding looks beautiful and it looks like the two of you had a lovely time together…. despite our conversation a few days ago I wish you both well. Ps please can you post me my driving licence back? 😂

I wouldn’t call him out for blocking you as it sounds a bit stalkerish and it doesn’t matter anyway as you saw the story he didn’t want you to see.

Notonthestairs · 26/04/2024 14:23

I dont understand why you'd need to raise anything with him at all?

As far as I can see he's a useful bi annual shag when you return to that town.
No strings & not somebody you owe anything to - and that has suited you both.

If that no longer suits you bin him off.

Getting caught up in seeing a wedding photo or blcoking from Insta is neither here nor there. You are not in a relationship and neither of you have the right to veto the others behaviour when you are not together.

JLou08 · 26/04/2024 14:25

If you're not exclusive you need to accept the fact that he will see other women and also be prepared for the day he meets someone who wants to be exclusive and he cuts you off completely.
If you can't accept that you either end things or tell him how you feel and go exclusive.

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 26/04/2024 14:29

If the argument was only two days ago he’d almost certainly already invited you so benefit of the doubt he was probably trying to save your feelings / another fight. However in terms of what to say I think upfront and light causes least drama eg. ‘Hey, sorry for taking a while to respond - saw on Insta you’d gone to the wedding with X and then blocked me so was feeling a bit awkward! No need to hide things from me and if things are getting serious with you just let me know. If you could pop the licence in the post that would be great. Speak soon…’

EasternEcho · 26/04/2024 14:29

I feel this is really a non-problem. You agree that he has the right to see others, and even has the right to take her to the wedding if he so chooses, even if you argued about her. Along the lines of two things can be true at the same time, he can take her to the wedding in your absence, and still have the feeling of wishing you were there. He probably knows you've seen what he posted, but didn't want to aggravate things by letting you see more of it. If you want to reply, just say, "I'm glad it went well, I did see a photo, and by the way it appears as if you've blocked me, which is unnecessary" and carry on as you were.

ringoffiire · 26/04/2024 14:30

tailgate · 26/04/2024 09:44

Absolutely he's done nothing wrong.

If we take the "relationship" aspect out of it, imagine your friend had gone out for the night with your worst enemy and you didn't find out about it until you spotted it on social media. You then realise your friend had suddenly blocked you from her social media, and not said a word. The next day, your friend drops you a line to say hi, as if nothing had happened.

Do you bring it up? Or do you pretend you've not seen it and carry on as normal? Because after all your friend is entitled to hang out with who she likes?

In this instance, as with mine, the blocking from social media is more contentious than the pictures on social media. It's a proactive move to hide things from you.

This is a terrible analogy but I'm trying to give an example of the conflict avoidance/elephant in the room feeling that I'm having!

(This woman is not my worst enemy, incidentally. I've never met her).

Show quote history

Well if this woman isn't your worst enemy then a better analogy is imagining that your friend had gone out with another person who you don't know.

And most people wouldn't care about that.

An analogy with friendship doesn't work because that's not what this is. This is deeper and you keep saying it's not about jealousy, but I think you're not being honest with yourself.

But either way, it really just sounds like none of you are really communicating well enough to have a successful polyamorous relationship dynamic.

MyAncestorsSentALizard · 26/04/2024 14:33

Could you not just say “hello, fwb. How was the wedding? Did you have a good time with lady friend”

That way he knows you know, and it leaves it in his court whether he wants to elaborate on it.

But as sooooo many people have said. Just get rid. I couldn’t be bothered with the drama.

Its2024happynewyear · 26/04/2024 14:34

@tailgate @HaveTeaWillSurvive has given the perfect response for you

NonPlayerCharacter · 26/04/2024 14:35

MyAncestorsSentALizard · 26/04/2024 14:33

Could you not just say “hello, fwb. How was the wedding? Did you have a good time with lady friend”

That way he knows you know, and it leaves it in his court whether he wants to elaborate on it.

But as sooooo many people have said. Just get rid. I couldn’t be bothered with the drama.

Well you could but it's pass agg as hell and nobody likes someone being pass agg, not least because you know they're only doing it to create plausible deniability if you start making an actual honest adult conversation about it.

What's for him to say, anyway? He may not have intended to do it but he's communicated all the OP needs to know.

WigglyVonWaggly · 26/04/2024 14:39

Ask him, ‘What made you post the pics from the wedding and then decide you didn’t want me to see them?’

HellsBells67 · 26/04/2024 14:43

421 posts on a supposedly uncomplicated non-exclusive hook up. TF I'm old and FWB, which is sleeping around by any other name, is in my past!

Poettree · 26/04/2024 14:50

toomanyy · 26/04/2024 14:11

I can’t believe this snivelling coward of a man is getting this much airtime.

A grown man posting so many pictures in one day on Instagram is seriously unattractive and then to try to block OP seeing them is cowardly.

Then to follow up with fake snivelling messages is vomit inducing.

Agree - he's creating some kind of pick me drama with all the blocking and mixed messages, which is why she needs to call his bluff and calmly ask him what's going on and where is everyone at as his behaviour is odd. In my long ago experience, when you ask the question the power they have over you dissolves as there is no mystery or wtf is going on torment to deal with, it just is how it is and you can smile, say thanks for the good time, and move on.

sandyhappypeople · 26/04/2024 14:53

The thing that gets me about this is that he says he 'wished you were there'..

He is telling you what you want to hear and is lying by omission, employing the what she doesn't know won't hurt her defence is IMO disgusting. It sounds like he may be getting serious with this woman, which is why he hasn't told you, if he's taking her to weddings etc, so I think you should agree to just be friends (if you want any sort of relationship with him) and let him be free to date whoever he wants.

I'd just tell him you know and you've given him opportunity to tell you but he hasn't, so say you want to grab your driving license off him, and perhaps try and arrange to have a proper discussion about what you and he both want and be realistic about your futures potentially going in different directions.. just let each other go basically.

Conkersinautumn · 26/04/2024 14:53

I'd respond that I was glad he'd had a lovely time, hope (her) enjoyed it too. Can you send the licence back as soon as, you'd appreciate it. Simple, friendly and the grown up acknowledge.without making it akward.

But I'd also be backing off from fwb. He knows how you feel, but he's pursuing this relationship anyway and its a 'family gathering' type involvement, which implies he sees a while in it. You might not be in an exclusive relationship but it's clear his relationship with her is a priority/ an increasing priority. Just file him under ex on friendly terms going forward