To tell him I know she's there

[tailgate]

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

The message suggestions are making me cringe myself inside out 😬🙈

This is a fuck buddy relationship, not Mills & Boon.

They only shag a couple of times a year, there's no need for any kind of message really.

Or perhaps STI is the only other thing I can think of? In which case OP, everybody who's got multiple partners should be using barrier contraception, for obvious reasons. If that's what it is.

Ah yes, that could make sense!

I k ow it’s so bad, I think some folks are struggling to fully understand she is not his girlfriend. They are not in a romantic relationship, she has no more right to tell him who he can and cannot fuck than she has me, she is no more Entitled to see social media images of them together than I am.

the only thing he’s done wrong is to string her along, and not say I’ve a date for the wedding, I strongly suspect there is good reason for that, likely he knows she will be hurt and jealous ( even though she claims otherwise )

but he should habe told her straight, I will date who I please, we are not in a relationship and I am taking a date to the wedding. Instead of trying to placate her with wish you were here shit, when he wished nothing of the sort.

Why don't you just sit on it for a bit. Mull it over. There's no rush.

@tailgate - if you can’t have a proper conversation with him about this (a man you are sleeping with), it’s because there is too much game-playing and pretending going on, such as playing it cool when you don’t feel cool.

Now is the chance to cut through the BS. You don’t have to rant and rage. You can say that you feel a bit odd about how things have unfolded and you assume he must too because he seems to have blocked you from his story.

You are sleeping with this man - you must be able to talk to him. If you can’t, then you shouldn’t be sleeping with him.

@exomoon christ, telling him ‘I saw some photos and realise I have feelings for you’, and that’s not what I signed up for, so I’m ending it, is far better than ghosting him. Manners aren’t a bad thing.

So if you don’t feel jealous and if you so easily accept things the way they are, why is it important to let him know you know. He already knows you know.
So what is the problem ?
Are you upset that his plus one (or whatever she calls herself) doesn’t know that you are his OW ?
Or are you upset you can’t see the wedding photos ?
Why are you in such a quandary about it all OP ?

Just do nothing then if it isn’t a problem to you. Carry on as you are, allowing him to carry on as he wants.
(Except make sure you get regular sexual health checks because she’s probably sleeping around too and you can’t control that part of the threesome)

OP, just be honest.
STOP overthinking this.
You only need to say the truth. You won't look stupid at all.
You may have too much pride and put on a brave front, but believe me - it's ok to open up to him. If he doesn't like that then move on. It really is much easier than you think. You are stressing too much...Just be honest!!

@tailgate tell him you know he went with the other person and you know he blocked you from seeing his stories and photos. Tell him how it is and see how he responds to that.

the only thing he’s done wrong is to string her along, and not say I’ve a date for the wedding, I strongly suspect there is good reason for that, likely he knows she will be hurt and jealous ( even though she claims otherwise )

I strongly suspect he did tell her and that's why the fell out 2 days before the wedding.

But the OP is manipulating us all by not saying the reason.

Yeah I don’t think you should message about your feelings. You are trying to get back a bit of respect here. The point of a FWB situation is you can’t develop feelings or talk about them. So I would just walk away with a simple ‘think it’s time to call this off’ and leave it.

Oh yeah you could be right actually, that would make sense.

I wouldn’t admit to developing feelings for him. He’s already had enough of her good will.

I’d say “as you blocked me on Instagram it looks like you’re more serious about OW than you’re letting on and for that reason I think it’s best for both of us for you to pursue that relationship fully and we call it quits”.

Or not respond at all. I like that one best of all because there’s no closure for him. She owes him nothing after all.

Thanks all. I love the advice to mull it over for a while. I'll do that.

It's my driving license that he has!

Where did I suggest ghosting him? Someone upthread suggested the long convoluted message below and you suggested adding to it.

'Hey - I’m thinking we should end things between us, I’d like to do it amicably. I’m starting to have feelings for you that are not appropriate in a FWB situation - and it was weird that you blocked me on insta so I couldn’t see pics of you and ‘x’ at the wedding. It’s starting to feel weird for me now, and taking up too much of my headspace. I’d like to make this not awkward and get my stuff back without any drama.'"

@Betterbuckleupbarbara You seem to be very concerned about not making this man 'uncomfortable' but are fine with long winded messages that leave OP little dignity.

That would explain everything.

It's not as complicated, or as unusual, as OP is implying that it is. It would seem she's not being honest with herself about her desires in this relationship.

It's only going to be more of the same, OP.

He can send it back registered post. No need to see him. Or drop it off at a friends.

Good, he can post it then.

@exomoon youre just making things up now. I don’t know why the shame in OP telling him why she wants to end it, is there is any loss of respect in being honest about having feelings for someone.

I can’t find my long winded message.

If OP wants to spin it then fine, no skin off my nose.

There is nothing to address! Why would you need to address with him who he takes to a wedding? Just arrange for him to post your driving license, no need to have a deep conversation or debate, no need to stop being mates.

Why on earth would you leave your driving licence there? Easy fix though, ask him to post it to you as you were stopped by the police and now have to produce it (within 7 days). Ask him to post 1st class recorded.

I wouldn’t admit to developing feelings for him. He’s already had enough of her good will.

I don't understand this bit? What good will?

@exomoon I didn’t suggest sending a long message, I suggest a different rationale - I didn’t imply either YOU suggested ghosting him. Just for clarity.

i think if the argument was 2 days ago he might have invited her already.

either way do address it and talk about it, yes its awkward but you've seen each other make so can manage awkwardness.

don't stew and build resentment