To tell him I know she's there

[tailgate]

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

You both agreed to be in a non exclusive relationship, you both date other people, neither of you want a long distance relationship, you only see each other a few times a year yet you are getting pissy because he is living up to the previously agreed 'non exclusive' and 'date other people' bit of the arrangement? You are either lying to yourself about your feelings for him or you do not know what non exclusive is.

And how you respond now doesn’t really matter because it’s over now.

In a few months you won’t give a shit because you will have moved on.

Time to grow up OP and treat your heart with more respect. You can’t grow in a FWB relationship.

It’s a stop gap until one party finds a better match.

People often do it because they are lonely. Or trying to hold onto a dream. Or one person is more into it than the other.

With his latest actions he’s playing you now. He found a better match and he’s trying to keep you too. That’s what makes him a dick.

This kind of open relationship is bound to end in tears if one party becomes overly attached or feelings for other people get in the way of feelings for one another.

what do you want OP? This man to yourself? Him not to see her again?

And what about the other woman in all this? Isn’t it a bit of a dick move to take her to a family event and then tell you he wishes he was with you instead? Does she know she is second fiddle? Does she want more than he is prepared ti give? Why do you think he would treat her that way and not you? How would you feel if he was away with you and saying similar things to her (likely he does, which is why she agreed to go to a significant family event with him)?

Honestly, this doesn’t sound like a great relationship - not only because ‘non monogamy’ is an emotional minefield in its own right, but because you aren’t even comfortable enough with this man to communicate clearly.

I’m getting the vibes he is having his cake and enjoying eating eat, while the women involved put up with not enjoying aspects of the relationship because they get him as a prize. If that’s even a little bit the case, step away from this man now, because you are throwing good energy after bad and it will not improve in your favour.

The ow is not second fiddle though is she. She’s the one at the wedding with him, she’s the one he isn’t blocking.

OP, when was the last time you two actually saw each other?

I think you just don't like the fact you were temporarily sidelined in favour of someone you don't like.

You seem to care far too much about what this man who you have a very casual relationship with thinks of you, which in itself makes me think that it is not that casual on your part.

The "worst enemy" analogy doesn't work, because she's someone you've never even met. Unless she is a truly and overtly horrendous human being, in which case you would surely want little to do with anyone who chooses to sleep with her/take her to family weddings.

This one is dead in the water OP and I think you realise it, but are still hanging on, hence your reluctance to challenge him about what you know in case you don't like the answer.

Hey - I’m thinking we should end things between us, I’d like to do it amicably. I’m starting to have feelings for you that are not appropriate in a FWB situation - and it was weird that you blocked me on insta so I couldn’t see pics of you and ‘x’ at the wedding. It’s starting to feel weird for me now, and taking up too much of my headspace. I’d like to make this not awkward and get my stuff back without any drama.

Then get your stuff and have as long as possible with no contact until you have completely moved on.

Excellent response. Totally nails it.

@HellsBells67 quite!

You're really overthinking this - just reply with a breezy and general message saying you've been busy (hence the delay in replying) but good, get a mate to get your stuff, and then take some time away from him to think about what you want out of this relationship and if you'll ever get it (probably not)

And this.

So what if you don’t like her?

He does.

You are a casual convenient shag and laugh when you occasionally around.

You have absolutely no base from which to dictate his friendships or shags or mates.

If you don’t want to shag him knowing he also shags her, you need to end it.

Ohh, great message.

How is ‘I’m starting to have feelings for you that are not appropriate in a FWB situation’ a great message?!

Leave the OP some pride.

I’d add seeing him and her at the wedding made her realise she has developed feelings otherwise it seems like she’s secretly been harbouring more than just a desire for no strings sex for some time and that feels uncomfortable to me.

What do you want from this? To break things off with him, to become exclusive or to keep going the way things are? Because that’s your answer

She says she doesn’t know. But I think she does, she’s just unlikely to get it.

Ah seriously stop with the awful message suggestions.

I agree this is it. You're dating too. You just don't like that he is doing the same with someone you don't like for whatever reason.

Which means you shouldn't be in this kind of arrangement.

It's breezy, honest and calmly draws a boundary. If my FWB sent me some drama laden message, or ignored me in a huff, as if I owed them anything, honestly I wouldn't be arsed with it at all and would be rolling my eyes.

@exomoon why? It’s closure and she can block in and move on. She is also taking ownership of how she feels no shame in that.

It's not breezy. Breezy would be 'I've enjoyed our FWB but think it's time to call it a day. I'll collect my things tomorrow. Take care.

The one you called breezy is not breezy at all and laden with drama. Did you read it? It went 'Hey - I’m thinking we should end things between us, I’d like to do it amicably. I’m starting to have feelings for you that are not appropriate in a FWB situation - and it was weird that you blocked me on insta so I couldn’t see pics of you and ‘x’ at the wedding. It’s starting to feel weird for me now, and taking up too much of my headspace. I’d like to make this not awkward and get my stuff back without any drama.'

is the "thing at his house" a human or worth a lot of money? If not, write it off and block, delete, move on. Follow Lalalaletmeexplain on podcasts or instagram....

Sounds like you want an excuse to go back :(

Is the situation really making you feel good?

Do you have friends you could talk to about this to maybe give their view point?

Because you don't even know if it's true and it's cheesy as fuck.

Romantic relationships evolve - or they come to an end. That's my experience.

I don't think you have a right to question who he is with and I also don't understand why you'd torture yourself looking at his social media. You're non-exclusive and that was what you both wanted.

The thing that he was saying about 'missing you and wishing you were there', it might be true - or it also might be the only thing he can say when he's speaking with you? What else was he supposed to say?

I'm a firm believer in looking at what people do rather than what they say. Words are cheap.

If he's not 'with' this woman now, he may be later - or he may be with the next one. Russian Roulette, that's what your relationship is. It's only fun if both of you want to play and are both clear on the rules.