To tell him I know she's there

[tailgate]

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

Friends don’t block each other and keep secrets. So he’s not a good friend either.

He's a fuckbuddy and fuckbuddies don't cause this sort of drama either, when one of them wants to fuck someone else, even if they do take them to a wedding first.

If we take the "relationship" aspect out of it, imagine your friend had gone out for the night with your worst enemy and you didn't find out about it until you spotted it on social media. You then realise your friend had suddenly blocked you from her social media, and not said a word. The next day, your friend drops you a line to say hi, as if nothing had happened.

I get what you mean, OP. I had a work colleague who was charismatic but awful and mean, and people did see through her but still wanted to be around her. She made my working life hell for a couple of years, then things calmed down, she moved teams, and then she left the company.

I have some lovely colleagues who were my friends and who also stayed friends with this woman even after she left the company. Whilst I understand that people can be friends with whoever they like, I did lose some respect for the people who stayed friends with her. I remained 'friendly' IFSWIM but took a step back from the friendships and didn't initiate contact or meet ups.

Inevitably their friendships with this woman and faded and whilst I have resumed some contact with the old friends, I do feel that they revealed that they were accepting of bad behaviour. as long as it didn't affect them.

So he had quite a visible role in the wedding and his family and friends will link him with her, now (if they didn't already)?
He can't risk them finding out about you commenting (or, probably, her finding out either), so said nothing to you and shut you down afterwards.
How's that working out for you? He seems to be doing well from it.

Well I can't control my friends, and they have gone out with someone I fell out with. But I don't own them to control them. So wouldn't dream of asking them to pick a side. People will hang out with who ever they like. If they know you'd get mad, then it will turn into a secret. If you don't like it then dump him.

I've realised that in not being able to give full details, I've made it hard for people to give me advice, so apologies.

I can't ignore him forever as he has something of mine that I left at his house.

By ignoring him for a prolonged time I feel like I'm protesting against him being with her, via my silence (which feels stupid)

By ignoring the nice message and only asking for my stuff back, it also looks like I'm protesting (which feels stupid)

By replying to him and ignoring the fact I can see he's block me from IG, I feel like I'm coming across as a mug (which feels stupid)

And by raising it, it comes across like I'm jealous and angry (which feels stupid)

So I feel stuck between and rock and a hard place on how to address it!

This has literally nothing to do with two people who have an arrangement whereby they fuck each other approximately twice a year, and fuck others in between.

If you don't want to see him anymore then it's immaterial how you come across.

You don't owe him any explanations.

Get your stuff back and block and delete.

Of course it does

I agree.

The op is the woman he shags when she's in town.

Nothing more, nothing less.

You're massively overthinking this. No need to ignore him. No need to acknowledge that he's blocked you from IG. The only way you'd come across as a mug is by continuing to let his behaviour affect you.

It may feel stupid but it doesn't look that way to anyone apart from you.
He's the one who has blocked you and sent you fake message saying he wished you were here.
Yes he's made you feel stupid, but he is the one being a dick.
I know it may not feel like that.
The best thing you can do is ring him up and ask him why he's blocked you and what's going on.
Don't give him the ego boost of being angry or getting upset, just calmly ask him to explain himself.
You'll feel better afterwards and he'll lose his little power games and the ego trip of making two women fight it out over him, the dick.

Honestly you’re so far down in the weeds and it’s as you care so much. I get you say it’s not jealousy but you could easily give an indication of what it is.

you are occasional fwb. He is allowed to date who he wishes. You are not entitled to see images of that. He is allowed to block you from doing so, that’s it. There is no more to it.

if you need to address then something like saw I was blocked, it’s fine, your choice on who you date. Leave it there.

personalky id say nothing, as you will come across as a jealous stalker.

You are protesting
You are jealous
You are angry

Get a mate to pick your item up.

Enough with the drama.

You could just say hey what's with blocking me from your stories?

💯

Yes, do you really need the thing at his house or is it an excuse to stay in touch?

Good suggestion above to get a mate to get it.

Wash hands OP. Wash hands. It’s time. He’s a dick and you both know it.

What rubbish.

The bloke simply wanted to get on with the wedding, invite a woman he wants to have sex with (and is entitled to according to the terms of his 'relationship' with the OP) and was probably very much trying to appease her, with the whole 'Wish you were here' thing, as she's coming across as quite unbalanced about it all.

Just block him and move on.
If he was only a FWB you haven't lost out.
Get a friend to pick up whatever item of yours is at his house.

Haven’t rtft (yet😃 ), but just wanted to say fuq boi 💯 and yes colloquially appropriate for such behaviour.

Non-exclusive relationships are no relationships at all. Time to face and accept that and exit stage left with some dignity.

You are creating a lot of drama for yourself. Out of curiosity, are you planning to continue your arrangement/relationship with him?

Totally agree he has done nothing wrong, the op is not entitled to see images of them together. He doesn’t need to share that with her.

and the whole wish you were here thing is clearly appeasing her, as he had a date for the wedding that would have been long planned.

You’re allowed to end a relationship and ask for your stuff back. “Hey FWB, I’ve really enjoyed our time together, but this isn’t working for me anymore. I left a few bits at yours that I’d like to pick up or can you post them to me”

Then join tinder or hinge or bumble or whatever and find an emotionally available, local, uncomplicated man for a bit of fun without all this drama.

So much drama....you are trying to have your cake and eat it I'm afraid.

Totally agree.